AIBU to think my ex DH is being reasonably generous, or am I being taken for a ride, as a friend is telling me

[Writer034]

This is a money one (apologies for length, I don't want to drip feed). I'd really like some thoughts around whether my ex DH is doing enough. I usually think he is, but there's someone in my life who thinks he's really not, and sometimes I feel conflicted.

I split up with ex DH in 2017, we share DD (15) and DS (13) on a 50/50 basis. Since the split, my ex DH has been paying £500pm in child support, which about 6 months ago was increased to £600pm to account for cost of living increase.

(I realise some will say 50/50 should mean no child support, but I have actually sought legal advice on this and apparently this isn't necessarily true. If you want to know more about what I was adviced, drop me a DM)

There were no assets to divide at the time of the divorce. We didn't use solicitors, there is no maintenance, only this - completely voluntary - child support. When we did consent order for finances, for reasons I won't go into I didn't seek legal advice and I didn't ask anything from him, he has a small pension from having been in the army for 6 years when he was young, and a business which we started and ran for some years together, but realistically it only became really profitable in 2021. I didn't ask for anything, only for child support to continue. His business has for at least 2-3 years now been bringing about £350k per annum (and the two years before that definitely over £100k). He drives a Porche, has now bought a nice detached house for 450k, etc. Takes his new DP to 5* spa hotels every other weekend so I know money is abundant his end. I earn £53k in my main job and have for the last few years earned £7-10k on top from some additional work; I also receive Child Benefit (I had to pay some of that back, when I went over the threshold, although now threshold is £60k and I've dropped my extra work because, on 40% tax, it's not really worth it)

On top of this £600pm, ex DH pays £180 per month for the coach my DD takes to school (it's a grammer school in another town with its own transport), a few expensive things for the DC (my DS got a £900 mountain bike as this is his passion, my DD got some £750 concert tickets (don't ask!!!!), she's also got two school trips - one ski trip £1500 and one to the US costing over £2500, he has paid / is paying for all of that). Also, DD has recently needed some physio so he's paying £80 per appointment. He paid for one year of her having a tutor to help her get into grammar school, I think that was £50 per week.

He is more or less funding my son's expensive mountain biking hobby which has a lot of costs associated with it.

We usually split birthdays and Xmas presents. He will usually contribute something towards school uniforms. At times he has contributed a bit towards their clothing like winter jackets. He gives them each £25pm pocket money.

I give them also £25 each pocket money per month, I pay for dentists, hairdressers, almost all of their clothing and shoes (phenomenally expensive for teenagers nowadays!), buy all birthday presents for their friends, I pay for all the smaller school trips (this amounts to at least a few hundred per child per year, or double that if there's a residential), and I generally do loads more with the kids: I take them on holidays abroad (he takes them on one hol abroad that business pays for, and one caravan week in the UK), theatre and concert trips to London, theatre and cinema locally, out for meals and days out. He doesn't really do any of that. I realise that between us the kids have a good life (believe it or not, my kids are still just about average, in schools they go to).

The issue is this: with all that he does which might sound generous, ex DH probably still contributes a maximum of around £1000 per month in total, against his income of £30,000 per month, and the fact he definitely spends more on his romantic life in a month than he does on his DC.

Is 1/30th of your income, towards your kids, enough?

I know some men pay nothing, but I also know some women whose ex DH earn well and the women don't even have a job, they get maintenance of £5k a month or more, whereas I work full time (and have for a few years had extra work on the side, for purely financial reasons). I'm not saying I would want to not work. I'm just wondering, prompted by this friend of mine, whether my ex should be paying more. (The CMS calculation, by the way, would only work for half of his income, it doesn't go above that. I could go to court, but absolutely don't want to do that, it would ruin so many other things.)

Please tell me how you'd feel, if this was you. Would you feel fortunate, or not quite?

How does he not provide them with luxury though?? Your kids have amazing lives many children would die for. He pays for an extremely expensive hobby for example, many children have zero hobbies because their parents simply can’t afford it. He buys their clothes and takes them on two holidays a year. I seriously don’t see how he’s neglecting them in any way. He also has them 50% of the time, he isn’t shirking his responsibility like lots of crap dads do.

You are actually entitled to FAR more and your “d” h will know that as he will have spoken to a lawyer! You are entitled to spousal support and that means he should have been paying you at least £5,000 a month! Speak to a lawyer as this impacts you long term. You would be able to buy your own house and pay it off with this money!

I think you're doing incredibly well and if anything he's being taken for a ride.

I would absolutely leave the status quo alone.

usually I’d say just because other single parents have had zero help, don’t accept less and be grateful for less than you’re entitled to.
However there is not a chance in hell I’d rock this boat. Coparenting well is invaluable, to have a co parent who has given you an extra 100 a month without being asked is almost unheard of. I think your friend was trying to wind you up over him spending money with on his girlfriend and that’s not your business, your kids are doing fine.
My advice to you is to look at the friendship here, not your relationship with your ex, something is tingling my spidey sense and I would hazard a guess your friend is jealous and causing shit.

Just have a dsscussion on future costs eg uni support (will be eg 700 a month to each child not 25 ) etc.
Future house deposits per child ?
You are not together so is only about the dc

With the money that you earn and his contribution + CM, you should be looking at your expenditure first.
£500 show tickets and eating out everyweek are not essentials and you could stay within your means. and this includes clothes shopping for your kids.

You haven't said but I suspect that your DC have clothes at their Dads house and you do seem to be ignoring the expenses that he has whilst they are there.

Exactly this! To us that’s definitely not a “normal” restaurant. £500 on tickets to the ballet is a huge luxury so is expensive school trips & holidays! I think you need to readjust your view on things. Your ex H sounds generous and sounds like the children don’t miss out on anything they need or want.

@Writer034

'I'm def not jealous of his lifestyle for myself - i.e. I'm not thinking I should be going to a spa every other weekend (or ever!) on his money. But he provides luxury for his new DP and her young kid, and not for his own, real children. I'm not saying he should be providing luxury for them, they're kids after all. But the disparity of treatment hurts.'

So you were dishonest in your OP. You feel this way, not 'someone in your life'. Also, you have said that your exH supports your children and this includes their expensive hobbies and here you write that he doesn't do so.

Lies, envy and greed will eat you up.

If anything I might check if/what savings he’s preparing for the kids future. If he has extensive plans then you don’t have to factor that in so much and you can therefore concentrate your budget on the here & now.

Starbucks? Most families never visit places like this. Trips to the ballet? New York? Bike passion? Eating out?

If you asked me for more money to spend at Starbucks, expensive shows, restaurants and travelling I would look into how to reduce my payment. Sorry you seem very entitled.

I would not sell your 'family' home for a good many years after they turn 18. When they are at uni they will need somewhere to come home to for the holidays. All through their twenties they may want to 'come home' and stay for a while, e.g. if a relationship breaks down or they are made redundant.
It can be difficult for young adults in their early twenties to have no family home to retreat to.

If your ex is so rich, then when the time comes you can put pressure on him to fund uni and house deposits for them.
Your maintenance will stop, but the DC may still be 'at home' with you quite a bit, for weeks or months. Plus you need to think of your retirement.
Save your money, you will need it, don't rush to give it to the DC.

I appreciate that you have been willing to take comments on board but are largely ignoring comments about future financial planning for your DC. Your ex may be making voluntary CM payments now but have you discussed what happens when DC hit 18? Your CB benefit will end when DC leave 6th form. Although the CM is voluntary there can be an expectation (unless financial order continues CM whilst at uni) that day to day routine maintenance ends at 18 just leaving one off expenses that can be granted or refused. How does student finance work with 50:50 care? How will you manage the top up to loan - plus voluntary contribution to living costs?

There is not rocking to boat and then there is sticking your head in the sand.

Ex had always talked about paying CM direct to DS2 at 18 and whilst at uni but then he got a new partner and decided he couldn’t afford it. DS2 attends the local uni and still lives at home. My monthly income dropped by over £700 a month as DS2 had income from maintenance loan which ex thought could meet the shortfall. When I pointed out to ex that this was more than his maintenance loan I was told that as his ‘landlady’ I should manage my budget better! Ex has convinced himself that at 18 all parental responsibilities end - I am no longer DS2’s mother but just a landlady and he has no financial obligation. Don’t just cross your fingers and hope for the best.

I don't suppose you have a link to this thread? Have a friend in a similar position, except her ex doesn't pay towards anything at all. All extra curricular activities, school trips, even out of school care on 'his' days because he thinks youngest who has not left primary school yet can look after himself for a few hours). He does take them on holiday though.

If it's 50/50, I'd say he's being more than generous. I'd either be honest and say he's going above and beyond or keep your mouth shut as it can only go down not up.

You're earning a decent salary, I can't think of a single reason why he would pay you more. Your friend who says he's doing you over is just plain greedy. It's embarrassing that women like her (and there are plenty of them!) see men as a cash cow to support their own laziness.

I think it sounds fine tbh

One or other of you might be slightly “lucking out” in this arrangement but it’s amicable and it’s not really clear which way it would fall if thrashed out in a court.

I think the voting is odd because people aren’t sure what answer = YABU/ YANBU

He won't be pocketing £350k a year. But tbh you have a reasonable salary its above average. Apply to the courts if you think you are being underpaid. The point is you aren't any longer married to a high earner so cant expect the same lifestyle you had before . I wouldn't like it either but it is what it is.

On top of maintenance (when he has the kids 50:50) he has paid for:

£180 per month for a school coach
£900 mountain bike
£750 concert tickets
£1500 ski trip
£2500 USA trip
£80 per physio appointment
£50 per week tutoring for one year.

His partner works in the business so his wealth is not all his own. Understandably her child is benefiting.

If the shoe was on the other foot and you won a few million on the lottery five years after you divorced, what would you think he was entitled to?

They are divorced, it is his money, marriage isn’t a meal ticket for life no matter how long divorced!

OP @Writer034 is the 'friend' who thinks its unfair and inequitable a new partner..? It was the very first question that popped into my head.

FWIW, I think your ex has behaved very decently indeed and perhaps a retrospective look at you taking nothing from the business is actually some of the issue here.

That old adage "comparison is the thief of joy' is certainly true. I think you are dwelling on this a bit.

Have you ever asked your ex what he intends to do re future housing for your shared DC? Maybe it won't be necessary for you to sell to release the equity for their needs if he has a different plan. Perhaps his stepping up in this area could ameliorate some of your feelings?

i wouldn’t ruin a good coparenting relationship over money.

I think thr friend is the op.

Yeh I’m unfollowing.

Make peace with it. I was in a similar position to you and eventually I learnt to accept that our standard of living would always be different. £1000 a month when he does 50/50 is quite generous and as harsh as it seems, he owes you nothing now. It seems like your children have a good life, so don't rock the boat. Divorced parents, even amicable ones, live on rocky ground and if yours is calm, which it seems to be, leave it be. If he wasn't giving you anything or your children were suffering because of it, I would have a different opinion but honestly, the stress and drama that asking for more and the potential fall out from it is not worth it.

That said, I can see why it stings. My ex lived in a lovely house with his partner and her child, lots of holidays and extras whilst I was a single parent living in a crappy terrace and didn't have anything material. 16 years on though, my kids are adults and having recently seen the ex, I can tell you that I am happier, more content with life and settled. He is always chasing the next shiny new thing.

I think he is being reasonable it seems like he is paying his share plus all the expenses for hobbies, and he has them 50:50. I think his income is irrelevant, for me it’s are the kids getting everything they need? Not necessarily £500 trips to london and 2 holidays a year - are they loved, cared for and supported, do they have a roof over their heads that each parent can afford, can they have new school uniform, attend parties/ hobbies and have friends round (to both houses). Do they have great relationships with both parents and their families, are their lives consistent. Money is important, of course it is, but having 2 parents who love them and are on okay terms is important too. Unless the children need it, I wouldn’t be asking for more.

I think you both sound really supportive and loving parents.

Although you say there were no assets but then list assets

I don’t get why you didn’t see a solicitor.