AIBU to think my ex DH is being reasonably generous, or am I being taken for a ride, as a friend is telling me

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This is a money one (apologies for length, I don't want to drip feed). I'd really like some thoughts around whether my ex DH is doing enough. I usually think he is, but there's someone in my life who thinks he's really not, and sometimes I feel conflicted.

I split up with ex DH in 2017, we share DD (15) and DS (13) on a 50/50 basis. Since the split, my ex DH has been paying £500pm in child support, which about 6 months ago was increased to £600pm to account for cost of living increase.

(I realise some will say 50/50 should mean no child support, but I have actually sought legal advice on this and apparently this isn't necessarily true. If you want to know more about what I was adviced, drop me a DM)

There were no assets to divide at the time of the divorce. We didn't use solicitors, there is no maintenance, only this - completely voluntary - child support. When we did consent order for finances, for reasons I won't go into I didn't seek legal advice and I didn't ask anything from him, he has a small pension from having been in the army for 6 years when he was young, and a business which we started and ran for some years together, but realistically it only became really profitable in 2021. I didn't ask for anything, only for child support to continue. His business has for at least 2-3 years now been bringing about £350k per annum (and the two years before that definitely over £100k). He drives a Porche, has now bought a nice detached house for 450k, etc. Takes his new DP to 5* spa hotels every other weekend so I know money is abundant his end. I earn £53k in my main job and have for the last few years earned £7-10k on top from some additional work; I also receive Child Benefit (I had to pay some of that back, when I went over the threshold, although now threshold is £60k and I've dropped my extra work because, on 40% tax, it's not really worth it)

On top of this £600pm, ex DH pays £180 per month for the coach my DD takes to school (it's a grammer school in another town with its own transport), a few expensive things for the DC (my DS got a £900 mountain bike as this is his passion, my DD got some £750 concert tickets (don't ask!!!!), she's also got two school trips - one ski trip £1500 and one to the US costing over £2500, he has paid / is paying for all of that). Also, DD has recently needed some physio so he's paying £80 per appointment. He paid for one year of her having a tutor to help her get into grammar school, I think that was £50 per week.

He is more or less funding my son's expensive mountain biking hobby which has a lot of costs associated with it.

We usually split birthdays and Xmas presents. He will usually contribute something towards school uniforms. At times he has contributed a bit towards their clothing like winter jackets. He gives them each £25pm pocket money.

I give them also £25 each pocket money per month, I pay for dentists, hairdressers, almost all of their clothing and shoes (phenomenally expensive for teenagers nowadays!), buy all birthday presents for their friends, I pay for all the smaller school trips (this amounts to at least a few hundred per child per year, or double that if there's a residential), and I generally do loads more with the kids: I take them on holidays abroad (he takes them on one hol abroad that business pays for, and one caravan week in the UK), theatre and concert trips to London, theatre and cinema locally, out for meals and days out. He doesn't really do any of that. I realise that between us the kids have a good life (believe it or not, my kids are still just about average, in schools they go to).

The issue is this: with all that he does which might sound generous, ex DH probably still contributes a maximum of around £1000 per month in total, against his income of £30,000 per month, and the fact he definitely spends more on his romantic life in a month than he does on his DC.

Is 1/30th of your income, towards your kids, enough?

I know some men pay nothing, but I also know some women whose ex DH earn well and the women don't even have a job, they get maintenance of £5k a month or more, whereas I work full time (and have for a few years had extra work on the side, for purely financial reasons). I'm not saying I would want to not work. I'm just wondering, prompted by this friend of mine, whether my ex should be paying more. (The CMS calculation, by the way, would only work for half of his income, it doesn't go above that. I could go to court, but absolutely don't want to do that, it would ruin so many other things.)

Please tell me how you'd feel, if this was you. Would you feel fortunate, or not quite?

If he’s a decent guy and he sounds like he is, he’s never going to do over his children is he? They sound like they have a really comfortable life and he picks up the bill for a lot of it.

Your friend will be looking to shit stir. Some people see split families and are baffled when things are amicable. She’ll see a Porsche and think he’s loaded. It’s quite a simplistic way of looking at it and she won’t have a clue about the complexities of running a business.

Op I think you are out of touch of how the majority of people live and your friend definitely is.

You individually are doing incredibly well! With an amicable ex who voluntarily pays when he doesn’t legally have to, is involved with your children’s lives and is also able to financially assist on top to help them develop themselves with interests and schooling.

Anything you were struggling with eg clothing (which agreed can be very expensive) ask your kids to ask their dad or try using eBay and vinted, they grow out of them soon enough.

All the things you’ve listed that you’re able to achieve in a year plus having savings too are only what most people can dream of.

I would nip this thought it the bud right now. Your ‘friend’ is being ridiculous. Are you sure she just doesn’t want you to have drama in your life if she has some in hers?

Thank you for this well reasoned contribution. You're right in many respects. If he raised it to £1200, to be fair, I wouldn't ever ask him for a penny extra and would make that money go a long way. I would absolutely be able to pay £180 for her coach ticket and £150 monthly repayments for the New York trip, and fund my son's biking passion, etc.

The way things are now is that we, essentially, depend on my ex DH's generosity for those extra items (because they're one off and he could say no), and also he gets the hero medal for them, because they're seen as 'look, dad pays for these enormous luxury expenses'.

Meanwhile, mum pays for so much utterly invisible stuff that goes into the daily grind. Not being funny, the other day my DD and I went into Starbucks and had two drinks and one cheese and ham croissant, it was £18. Money just disppears.

If we did have extra money, I don't think we'd be lunching at The Ivy, not at all. None of us have any particular interest in that. Primarily I would put some more into savings (I would open savings just for the kids, at the moment I have £20k in 'invested' savings and less then £3k of easy access, so it would be good to lock in something for the kids only). As things stand, for the last two years, I've spent every penny I earned plus some from the savings (the easy access has been depleted).

But I take your points overall, I do.

He will definitively be paying some 40% on his earnings (or 35,75% dividend tax) as there's no way of drawing funds from the business and not paying that rate. He will also pay 25% corporation tax so either his profits are even higher than you think or his "take home " is lower than you think or he's in for a shock with his tax !

How you are feeling is entirely reasonable. I can imagine it also feels rather galling to have to go 'cap in hand' asking for more money when he promised to support you better.

Unfortunately though, I think you would be best served by trying to move on from these feelings of injustice (however reasonable they are) because in the long run, it is you who will suffer more for harbouring those feelings.

I think it's perfectly ok to talk to him about money but try to come at it dispassionately (this is where I think having a spreadsheet might help!), rather than from a place of anger or pain.

Good luck xx

Here's where I risk that you (and others) tell me I'm completely insane, but my plan is actually to try to release some equity from my house (there's about £155k or thereabouts), use one half of it to split between my DC so they can one day use it for their housing deposits (probably put it into some kind of ISA, trust or whatever - I will seek advice as I've no idea), and the other half use as a deposit to buy a new, smaller and generally cheaper property. DC and I live in an extended three bed semi, it's a nice (in most ways average) family home in a very popular area, if I moved out of town, more towards a border with another town, I could live in a reasonable property even after releasing that cash for my kids.

Beyond that, I've not thought about anything. I have £20k in invested savings, will have £30k next year as there's some money being repaid to me from a source. I have a very small emergency fund. I don't really care much what happens once the kids are independent as I will always manage, providing I'm employed.

Meanwhile, mum pays for so much utterly invisible stuff that goes into the daily grind. Not being funny, the other day my DD and I went into Starbucks and had two drinks and one cheese and ham croissant, it was £18. Money just disppears.

You don't have to pay that. You can say no, I regularly do! A Starbucks isn't necessity or an indicating of quality of life.

I can see why that would feel unfair, and it is awkward to have to wait and see each time whether he's going to be generous or not. He does sound an odd combination in his attitudes to money, happy to pay thousands for one thing but £20 on a regular takeaway is too much.

But at the end of the day, he is contributing a decent amount overall, and the most likely outcome of challenging him on it is that he gets annoyed and contributes less, which would make your life more difficult. Pursuing it legally would have a very uncertain outcome and would destroy what sounds like a mostly good co-parenting relationship. I think you just have to make your peace with it.

I think the other thing your friend isn’t considering is the ages of your children.

You could possibly rock the boat now, and I totally understand that him being the hero with the big ticket items now may seem galling, but then what happens in 3 years when the money he pays is cut because your eldest turns 18, and then in 5 years when it goes completely?

If the amicable set up is gone then in 3 years he can either take over the big ticket items for your eldest, be the hero who step in when mum stops or he doesn’t and then what happens because you’ll be the one your eldest is looking to for help with big ticket items, but your income will be down so likely won’t be able to.

It’s hard when it feels unfair, but the long term is something that you really need to consider with two teenagers and the associated costs coming up that no parent is actually obliged to pay, but we all want to help with.

Keeping your finances settled may also be a wise idea if he’s involved a relatively new partner in his business. If that relationship goes tits up that could get very messy.

you should make peace with this and accept its not only OK but great

your friend is stirring the pot likely due to some feelings she has about something that has happened in her own life.

you might do more life admin for the kids more than him - but I very much doubt that a court will think you need vastly more than £600 a month for this admin.

The goodwill you have between you two is priceless. Start rocking the boat and its likely he will look exactly into how much he is paying and expecting to pay. Your kids might want driving lessons/cars/uni in a few years - maybe he will pay wholly for these.

It sounds like he acquired the majority of his wealth after you split so it’s not a marital asset and you have no entitlement to it.

Your two children will continue to benefit from his wealth as he sounds reasonable and generous.

Is there a way for you to grow your career?

You are definitely not being taken for a ride. He sounds generous to me.

I am no expert but his contribution seems reasonable to me. You also seem to be in a good civil place with him. What will happen if one of the kids want to go to uni? Or of they need some massive financial support in the future? Do you think he would help?

You could pay more in to your pension.

I think it all sounds perfectly reasonable. He's providing properly for his children. It sounds like your friend thinks you should personally benefit from your ex doing very well financially, despite you already being divorced when he found his success. I'd ignore your friend and continue with the amicable co- parenting relationship you have.

I think given your arrangement is 50/50 it sounds like he is contributing well to his dc’s basic needs. The cinema trips and London trips are nice, but they are extras that you choose to pay for.

However, I really do not believe that his dividend earnings are what you say they are. Because he doesn’t sound like he’s living the lifestyle of someone taking £30k a month in dividends. We have a limited company. Our turnover is close to £1 million a year. We don’t earn £30k a month. I suspect he’s embellishing a bit and probably living a little beyond his means with the spa weekends and the fancy Porsche and is not as cash rich as you think.

That said, it sounds like your dc are well looked after. I’d perhaps just push some of the more mundane expenses his way. The school uniform and the birthday presents for friends and the new shoes, etc.

I know what you’re saying but when you’re the one paying for electricity, council tax and school shoes while the other is paying for bikes and skiing trips, taking your child out for lunch carries more meaning. You can be the fun, indulgent parent for a change instead of always thinking about practicalities. It’s not unreasonable to want to treat your child.

He’s paying for all those things when he has them 50/50 isn’t he?

It’s not - and as I’ve said, I’ve been in this position myself but it’s also not unreasonable to say no if you can’t afford it. No point fretting and worrying about money and then spaffing it in Starbucks.

Realistically, fairness is incredibly difficult to achieve across split households with different income levels. While it's galling that he can afford more treats for the kids, your husband is responsible for the upkeep of his children on his time, but not for the family extra-curricular activities you'd like to be able to afford on your time. You sound very level headed about the realities of the situation (with the exception of equity release - just no!).
Would it help to do a paper exercise working out what the children roughly cost you on average on a monthly basis, not including the mortgage? Food and utilities aside, as he covers those 50% of the time, add in anything you provide 100% of and see what the number looks like? How does his monthly contribution look now?

But he's paying all those costs himself as well. And he seems to have decided that takeaways are off the menu at his house, which sounds like an equivalent of your trip to Starbucks.

Don't go down the route of competitive parenting. If he buys them nice things, voluntarily, that's nice for them and should be nice for you. What you seem to want is that he gives you more money and you spend it on them and you get the credit for it rather than him.

Beware of the law of unintended consequences. Your arguing for more money may result in less money from him and, more importantly, the destruction of a harmonious co-parenting relationship which will have terrible consequences for your children and for your (and his) relationship with them. Nobody wins when parents go to war

Two things come to mind reading that

1- you don’t have to try and compete with your ex re how much money is available to your dcs.
You’re thinking house deposit. He is looking at expensive trips but the idea is the same. Money.
Do what feels right to within your means (and yes your idea is a bit bonkers sorry 🙈🙈)

2- you’ve mentioned he can be actually quite tight with money. And that he has a young child with his current partner? I’d be more concerned he is treating them differently tbh.

Just now you’re looking at trips etc…
But very soon, it will be Uni. And starting a new job somewhere (this comes with expenses, starting with a deposit. Maybe needing a car etc…). As I’m learning now, them leaving home and working doesn’t mean they don’t benefit from some support still.
Rather than looking at CM, which looks is fair tbh, I’d be looking further in the future.

@Emptyandsad I’m not the OP on this one, I just understand wanting to do something nice with your kids when you out of necessity need to focus on practicalities. I didn’t think the OP was saying she pays more on utilities than her ex does, just that money goes really quickly on not much at all and she’s finding it hard.

Her friend is clearly stirring the pot though, stepping away from that conversation will do her the world of good given her ex is covering so much already.

Sounds like everything is amicable. Why not ask him for a few 100 more, see what he says. You dont want him to stop paying what he does, but at the same time he sound very flush!

You're taking your ex for a ride, not the other way round. 50/50, you should share costs down the middle, thats it.