AIBU to feel awkward being excluded from my cousin's wedding when she’s coming to mine?

[worryingday]

Me and my cousin are both getting married next summer only about a month apart. We are inviting the whole family including them. They are inviting almost all the family (including other cousins) but excluding us… We are having similar sized big weddings, ours is slightly smaller. They haven’t explained why we’re excluded. We’re still as close as ever, see them regularly along with all the other family members who are invited, and they have accepted our invite (obviously hasn’t officially gone out yet).

I know you can invite who you like but it just feels really awkward with them being part of our wedding plans and getting updates but they talk about theirs and we’re not invited…

Im not going to exclude them from our wedding but AIBU to feel a bit awkward?

If they are prioritising work friends over you that must really hurt, I really feel for you.

Are you close enough to your cousin to just simply tell her that you are feeling hurt by being excluded, especially given your dad's death and how vulnerable that makes you feel?

This is fab!

If you’re that close then you should ask them? I wouldn’t outwardly say ‘why am I not invited?’ But I’d say ‘have you given invitiations out yet as we haven’t received ours?’

Can I ask - do you actually speak to people like this? I’ve never heard anyone talk like this in real life, ever.

Surely if you don’t want to attend or feel affronted you just rsvp ‘sorry can’t make it’? You don’t throw your dignity down the toilet like this.

And what is your end goal? You surely don’t actually want to attend if this is how you feel. What would be the ideal response to this?

If you have been completely excluded from the hen do and the wedding itself. Then i wouldn't invite them to your wedding, just go quiet like they have and don't send the invite, end of story. It's obviously bothering you and putting a cloud over your own wedding prep, which you should be enjoying. You wouldn't be posting on here if it wasn't upsetting you. It's time to see your wedding as the start of something new, people that exclude you now can be excluded from your life. There's no point trying to hang on in there with family members who cause you this much upset. They've been cowards! Leave them to it, be polite and cordial when you see them at family events or if you run into her in the future. But you're still grieving your dad, so you may as well grieve the end of the close relationship you thought you had with his family. Xx im sorry for your loss, but have a fantastic wedding and enjoy your new start xx

Exactly. If this was my family, somebody would’ve asked for clarification long ago! Do the other family members not speak to each other?

No, I don’t speak like that. I was thinking of what I would write.

My goal? To make them feel guilty about their behaviour. I would want them to know I felt affronted. Why should OP pretend that she "can’t make it"?

Even the very people that have excluded you?
Why would you do that to yourself?

OP, I've read your updates now. This is one thousand percent to do with your weddings being a month apart. The exact same thing happened to me. We had got engaged first, and had not set a date, but then it ended up having to be a month before hers. He was in the Army and got deployed at fairly short notice. You do NOT want to go off to a war zone without being married. So we had to arrange it at quite short notice, and one month before was the only date available for both church and hotel in that area. I got the impression she really thought that we should have put it off until after his long deployment, and that if he got killed, sacrificing all the widow's benefits would have been totally worth her having the only family wedding that summer! 🤣

I do not agree with PP that a month is close. Close would be 7-10 days. And weddings are about celebrating your love. They're not meant to be about competition.

I asked her to be my bridesmaid, and she said yes, but was then so shitty about things that I fired her. And obviously I she didn't ask me to be hers. The whole thing was SUCH a shame, because we're the same age and over the years had been like sisters. We were even at uni together.

And she was never the same to me again. Over the following years, she played up so much until I finally snapped and now we are totally estranged. Haven't spoken for a decade, and I'm glad. Someone who can behave like that, you don't want them in your life.

And your dad just died last year, and she's still excluding you??? What a horrible, horrible woman! I'm SO sorry, OP. Weddings really show what people are made of.

I think if you disinvite your cousin, it will only cause a big family rift. And you want her there, anyway. I hope she can get over it - my cousin couldn't. I never realised how selfish and spoiled she was. She had two big brothers and they tried for a third because they wanted a girl. When she finally came along, she was treated like a princess her whole life.

This wedding strife is really, really awful, but sadly it's very common. I wish people would be more careful not to fall out over weddings, because in my experience it's something that tends to have permanent effects. Maybe it's because weddings are occasions with such significance. Perhaps your cousin will live to regret it.

I’m really sorry for you that your cousins have behaved in this way. It’s very shaking when you think a relationship is one thing, then someone lets you know it’s not. They are behaving really badly, so thoughtless and unkind. I’m not sure I could get through the next few months without saying something, your cousin needs to know how hurtful she’s been.

OP you are not wrong for being upset. Please have respect for yourself and fuck then off the invite list.. I had the same happen to me but with a friend. She went on about how she wanted some other friends at her wedding but I didn't get an invite.. then fell out with me when the I reciprocated with no invite for her. Mind blowing really.

If I can put my theory out might be a financial thing. Only so many can go. Also you say you were invited to their engagement party. Is this the reason? Did you get them a nice gift? Some bride to be's expect expensive items so did yours match up to her expectations? If not, that could be why. I'm sorry to put it like that, but big showy gifts mean something to some people unfortunately. Either way, I hope you yourself have a lovely wedding.

There is no way they would be coming to my wedding - it’s likely to ruin and mar your day.

Your whole family will see you as a doormat, and will follow her example.

Just change the invite to mirror the one you have - on the grounds that otherwise it will make things very awkward all round. Match the energy. You’re not the ‘bigger’ person - you end looking weak and desperate.

because of the "we won't be there"

thanks for the comments all, more the kind ones than the ‘you have no self respect’ comments!

So a bit of an update and explanation on how this has occurred. I don’t feel any better but don’t think I feel worse.

I think my cousin finally said something because it all felt like it was coming to a head yesterday with various family members asking questions, hence my post. I haven’t responded but messaged her sibling who said:

Cousin’s fiancé has chosen a venue that really isn’t big enough for the size of families

Cousin’s fiancé has a very long list of her friends and family members who must be invited. Which has meant anyone who is even vaguely a mutual friend has gone on my cousin’s guest allocation.

Cousin then prioritised immediate family, then friends and finally extended family for the last remaining places. Bizarrely her brother said that my cousin does genuinely feel closer to me and prefers me to several other cousins who are invited but basically her ‘top 2 cousins’ for the invite list are each in sibling groups of 3 and she felt she needed to invite their siblings too. Me being an only child made it easier to leave me out… plus she doesn’t see it as me being the ‘only’ family member to not be invited as she’s also not inviting my mum!

Last but not least, apparently my cousin had assumed it was almost a certainty that 1 or 2 of her friends probably wouldn’t be able to make it and then she could invite me and my mum and we’d never need to know we hadn’t made the original list! Which I think explains the vagueness either way for months.

Oh and apparently her fiancée is very upset that our wedding is the same summer. So that probably hasn’t helped. Right now I don’t feel bad AT ALL. And I’m incredibly relieved we didn’t change our plans or inconvenience ourselves for people who wouldn’t even be inviting us. But it was very clear from speaking to her brother these decisions were made 6 months ago so predate any plans for us to get married so close to them.

Cousin’s fiancé has a very long list of her friends and family members who must be invited. Which has meant anyone who is even vaguely a mutual friend has gone on my cousin’s guest allocation.

You do realise this makes your cousin sound even worse? And the groom even worse too?

Awful, awful people. You are going to regret having these people at your wedding,

Op you making lots and lots of excuses for poor behavior. The bride is prioritising herself and her friends, perhaps you should do the same? They are no loss, she sounds awful.

I think I would reply saying you understand that there are always limitations and balances on wedding guest lists, but as the only cousin not invited it is very hurtful and you feel bad for your mum who has only been excluded because she has lost your dad.

It’s all so unkind.

They do soundawful and I did suspect the proximity of the weddings in time was more of an issue and has impacted things. Not your fault obviously!

You really should withdraw her invitation to your wedding, because a decent person would surely feel extremely awkward going, when everyone knows they didn't invite you to theirs. So you are actually sparing her feelings by going with 'I wouldn't want you to feel awkward about the lack of reciprocity'.

And if she wouldn't feel awkward, even more reason to uninvite her.

No need to mention she's been an absolute bitch to your mother by giving the unspoken message of 'you're not family now your husband is dead'. I wouldn't invite anyone to my wedding who had done that.

I'm so sorry OP, this would make me feel like shite too. I could understand the reasoning behind it maybe a little if my cousin had spoken to me quietly and explained.
As it is, it would feel persona and I really don't think I could send an invite to them. Or at least , just send an evening one. 💐

Hate to say it but I do agree with this. x

I think this is outrageous behaviour on your cousin's part and speaks very very poorly of her character.
The excuses are piss poor. Just the basic lack of reciprocation is appalling. It is beyond me how anyone could accept a family wedding invitation whilst refusing the same family member an invite. And that's regardless of the relationship. The fact that you thought you had a close relationship should be a massive wake up call going forward.
Only you can decide how to respond, but I don't see how you can continue as before with these people after this treatment.

This is exactly the message they’re sending. Awful.