AIBU to feel awkward being excluded from my cousin's wedding when she’s coming to mine?

[worryingday]

Me and my cousin are both getting married next summer only about a month apart. We are inviting the whole family including them. They are inviting almost all the family (including other cousins) but excluding us… We are having similar sized big weddings, ours is slightly smaller. They haven’t explained why we’re excluded. We’re still as close as ever, see them regularly along with all the other family members who are invited, and they have accepted our invite (obviously hasn’t officially gone out yet).

I know you can invite who you like but it just feels really awkward with them being part of our wedding plans and getting updates but they talk about theirs and we’re not invited…

Im not going to exclude them from our wedding but AIBU to feel a bit awkward?

Let it lie and when you're doing the speeches add in "Of course I'd like to wish "cousin and future wife" all the best for their upcoming wedding, we won't be there to see it, but have a wonderful day."

I would tell them (as they ask) that you haven’t been invited. I wouldn’t make a big thing about it but I wouldn’t let them off the hook about this.

How horrible.

There is no way I could go along with this and not just ask the question, and no way could I have her at my wedding knowing I’m not important enough to be invited to hers.

Is your wedding a lot more “upmarket” than hers? Expensive, nicer venue etc? In which case I imagine she might be thinking you’ll look down your nose at hers (not saying this is reasonable at all, just trying to think what her reasoning might be)

turn up at the gate like a shut out puppy? really?

This I LOVE.

There is something off about this post. Why was the OP getting updates on if she was invited and eveving do etc at 1am?

They’ve said you can go to the evening do? I’d tell them to shove it up their arse!
Family should be at the actual wedding and work and uni friends should be at the evening do in my opinion. Marriage is supposed to be about two people and their families coming together. Well, it used to be.

Also, having her there just to complete the “vision of your wedding” when she has behaved so badly and hurt you so much - are you sure that’s a good idea? You want to be able to enjoy your wedding day, and seeing her will just remind you. The relationship is broken now.

Why on earth would you give them a shout at during the speech?
this is terrible advice - the cousin isn’t a main character in OP’s wedding, so does not deserve any air time and certainly doesn’t deserve this much headspace

IME with the update about your dad things will only get worse between you, they’re excluding you because as far as they’re concerned you’re no longer related with him gone. I think if it was a one off lapse of judgement and didn’t involve your mum not being invited I could understand you still inviting them but how will you feel if this keeps happening going forward and you’re not invited to the next event they throw? Or another family member buys into their thinking and follows suit? It’s hard to change the vision for your wedding but you have to protect the future versions of you and your mum from further upset and I fear this will be something you regret if she’s forever in your wedding photos or makes some kind of scene and your relationship deteriorates further going forward.

Personally I would reply thanks for the invitation but I’m afraid I would feel too humiliated to come to the evening do when everyone would know Mum and I, unlike everyone else in the family, were considered unworthy of making the cut for the main event. I can’t help thinking about Dad and wondering what he would have thought and whether things would have been different if he was still with us.

I would make sure the reply was seen/heard by your cousin, not just his bride to be. I wouldn’t withdraw the invitation to your own wedding.

I know this is passive aggressive and some will disapprove, but I wouldn't care! I guess it depends how much you want to be on good terms with them.

I’m sorry op that sounds humiliating and disappointing. It’s on her, she’ll look like a bitch and you’ll be the bigger person

That's so awful. I don't live near my late husband's family either. In fact many of them live on the other side of the world. But they did the opposite and continued and strengthened their connection with us. After all, we were their only link to their much-loved brother/cousin/nephew.

I went to stay with his Australian cousins last year, and have just hosted one of them on their visit here. Even my small grandchildren video call their family in Australia and are loved by them.

I also know that in my DH's aunt's will, I'm treated the same as my SIL and how she would have treated him.

I'm sorry that your mum and family were so cruel.

It sounds like the invitations aren’t out yet. I’d ignore it, wait until I sent out my invitations, then only send one to the cousin, with no plus one. The fiancé isn’t family yet and isn’t behaving like family.

I agree - the other couple sound awful

Sorry OP this is so hurtful for you. I think it will all reflect very badly on them! I’m normally one for confrontation but in this instance I’d just decline the evening invite. I would make it clear whenever asked by other family members that you have not been invited to the day do. They may well speak up for you.

Your relationship sadly won’t recover and this is on cousin and wife. I hope it’s worth it to them and how unkind after everything with your Dad.

You are kind to be the bigger person and keep them on the invite list to your wedding. Again this will go noticed by family. Hold your head high and focus on your wedding. I suspect this will all come back on them!

This is crap. I agree with you. Do not disinvite her. Your family needs to see she is in the wrong. If she isnt invited it will look like to others you both did not invite each other. This will make her look worse in front of the family. You could just invite your cousin (if askes you could say you presume it is the fiancée that has the problem). I suspect at least one of them wont turn up to your wedding

Ok, now you know for sure about yourself, it's a good moment to advocate for your mother. Get in touch with your cousin's parents and explain that you know you're not invited but your mother doesn't know either way yet; that being excluded was a particular fear of hers when your Dad died; that it will be particularly hurtful if she has indeed been; ask that cousin's parents please explain this to cousin.

Why? Because, frankly cousin is in very serious need of an epic bollocking from her parents for this behaviour. You don't treat grieving relatives like this, she ought to know this, she doesn't know this, she really needs to be told. If you frame it to her parents as advocating for your parent then they're more likely to respond with the badly needed bollocking than by thinking you're being grabby. Also your Mum, being just one person, is more likely to be ultimately squeezed in. As she hasn't been formally not-invited yet, the harm is not yet fully done.

I can see sparks flying on OP’s wedding day when a guest makes a reference to the cousin’s wedding and it all comes to a head

Yep, sickening though it is, this is the time to take the high road. You inviting them as planned will throw their behaviour into contrast, and demonstrate just how callous they've been.

Whose wedding is the first to take place @worryingday ?

This is awful behaviour on the part of the cousin and her fiancé, I can’t imagine doing this to a grieving family member, if anything, you should be top of the list.

I would decline the evening invite and whilst not disinviting them say you would understand if they choose not to attend your wedding due to the obvious imbalance in who they consider family, evidently in how they have excluded you and your Mum.

But do you really want to see them anymore after how they have treated you? I wouldn’t want to be there to celebrate them. What does your fiance say about this?

I wonder if this could be included in a future episode of Eastenders !

A month apart? My cousin was SO pissed off when my wedding was a month before hers - even though we got engaged first - that she basically never spoke to me again!

Only if the wedding also involves a near-jilting, one of the bridesmaids shagging the groom and a stand-up fight during the cake-cutting involving the bride screaming ‘You can ‘ave him, Samanfa! ‘E ain’t wurf it!’

Would she fuck be coming to my wedding