AIBU to feel awkward being excluded from my cousin's wedding when she’s coming to mine?

[worryingday]

Me and my cousin are both getting married next summer only about a month apart. We are inviting the whole family including them. They are inviting almost all the family (including other cousins) but excluding us… We are having similar sized big weddings, ours is slightly smaller. They haven’t explained why we’re excluded. We’re still as close as ever, see them regularly along with all the other family members who are invited, and they have accepted our invite (obviously hasn’t officially gone out yet).

I know you can invite who you like but it just feels really awkward with them being part of our wedding plans and getting updates but they talk about theirs and we’re not invited…

Im not going to exclude them from our wedding but AIBU to feel a bit awkward?

I'd wouldnt normally uninvite people. But I would in this case. But I wouldnt give thd real reason. Say you have to cut numbers. Such a shame. And if they realise theyre the only ones excluded. tough. No way would I invite them if I was excluded from theirs and the rest of the family was coming.

I feel very sad for you OP. Is there any way that you could talk to a different family member about the situation? Not to try and get an invite, but to explain how hurtful it all is, and maybe get another view on it? Maybe your cousin doesn't realise how you feel?

@Viviennemary This is all just talk. No invitations have been issued. So next spring, they should send out invitations and reduce family numbers.

@worryingday We invited all family, but I didn’t get a reciprocal invite to my cousins marriage. Quite honestly I didn’t care that much. Saved me the cost of the wedding and a hotel. Send out your invitations after her and cut them out, I’d reduce numbers and my dm would not ask why I was cut out. She went but didn’t see why I should go! We aren’t inviting cousins or aunts when my DD gets married later this year. There’s 180 friends coming instead! His side have 10 relatives coming so we are having people my dd and future husband actually like!! Stuff people who are difficult, disinterested and don’t care for us.

This is a bit shit especially as they are invited to yours.. tbh do what you feel about your own wedding re whether you want to invite them but please share your hurt with the next people who mention it to you esp how you’re worried your mum and you will be excluded after your dad passed. Then people will be mindful for this not to happen… The only thing I’ll say is that your cousin perhaps won’t turn up to yours… even if they accept. Out of embarrassment so you may want to rethink that invite..

At least speak to your mum. If you're such good friends as cousins, just speak to her. Explain you're aren't falling out, you're just wondering if you're invited...

This is so hurtful and will feel so raw, but I wonder if a little space will protect how you feel around the prep for your wedding and your ongoing relationships with your family.

The wedding is next summer. I’d full pause all wedding chat with this side of the family, attend usual birthdays, occasions etc to take the space around the wedding events. You can always change your guest list later as suits you, but to do now would seem retaliatory and you’ve currently got the higher ground. Give yourself and your dp space away from the drama and don’t let this be a main part of your wedding run up.

They probably won’t turn up…

This is good advice. And book a weekend away for their wedding date. Then you can tell folk you’re away for a pre wedding spa or another honeymoon

Send out your own invitations.
Ask your cousin and of course all others you want there.

Talk in person with your cousin. Tell them that you and your mother would love to see them in their bridal finery as they go into the church to marry. Ask if they would mind you viewing them at the church gate and say that you understand that you are not invited.

Send them a card and offer Best Wishes on the day. Also send her a couple of photos.

If your cousin is confused and wished to invite you, she might ask you to view the ceremony with everyone else.

Just to clarify I mean it’s horrible what they did to you.

I feel sad for you too @worryingday you've been through a lot.

Your wedding is for you. You want your cousin there as she has supported you at difficult times when your father died and she and her family are a link to him. You should absolutely continue with them as guests.

Continue and plan your wedding in a way that works for you and focus on your wedding and your joy.

If you get an opportunity you could mention to her or another family member (depending how brave you are feeling) that you are sad not to be included.

good luck x

Op, surely for whatever reason you are excluded from the hen do and wedding will mean they'll decline the invite to yours anyway so just take control and don't invite them. Have some dignity.

This isn't about whatever vision you had for the your day it's basic social etiquette, they are being incredibly unkind to exclude only you, so return the gesture.

Why is anyone talking about invitations 1 year in advance ? It’s way yo early. 6 months ahead is just fine. Let the dust settle and cut down on family. Who needs people who don’t respect you? Cut them out and do not talk about invitations until just after Christmas other than save the date and remove her from that!

Not the evening only invite 🤦‍♀️

I know MN is divided on them, but I think that’s quite insulting for family. I think it should be for colleagues or neighbours or parents’ friends (providing no travel involved!)

100% not inviting you as you set your wedding date for close to theirs. Their own fault for not telling you theirs even if you aren't invited.
Some people get funny if another family member has a wedding in the same year as them let alone a few weeks different.

OP, you sound like a lovely kind person.
Some posters have been a bit harsh on you.
I think you should carry on keeping the higher ground and not change your invitation list for your wedding. If you remove them
from your guest list then it’ll probably mean there will always be a rift. Better for you that you carry on being the nice one, and let them always feel guilty for what they have done!
If any other family members ask why you’re not going, then be honest - “I’m not invited, and I’m really disappointed about that!”.
Try to not think about it too much for now
though. Focus on all the nice members of your family.
You mentioned that your cousins fiancée is being a bit bridezilla. Maybe she’s being a bit coercive in this situation towards your cousin?

I think I disagree with most people here. OP needs her family. She's lost her dad, and that's why she wants a family-based wedding.

If she plays tit-for-tat and doesn't invite this cousin, that's pretty high risk for her relationships with the rest of the family, and would probably ruin the atmosphere of the family occasion that she wants her wedding to be.

There's really no easy answer. But she either has the wedding she's imagined, or her wedding becomes all about punishing someone.

Personally @worryingday I'd have my say in person (don't use messaging). I'd tell the cousin that I'm very hurt to be the only person left out, and how upset my father would be to know that with his death I'd been demoted in the family. And if your mum is definitely not invited, I'd be even more forceful in my conversation with the cousin. Your mum has been widowed and your cousin has chosen to kick her in the teeth.

Uninvite her.

She isn’t embarrassed about upsetting you so don’t worry about pissing her off. It’s disgusting what she’s doing. You’ll just end up feeling cross and resentful on your special day if she’s there.

I would decline the evening invitation and I wouldn't invite her to my wedding. She has prioritised work friends over family? Selfish and unkind.

Work friends mean way more than family if you never see family and they show no interest in you! Who needs them ? Friends might be far nicer and more fun than spiteful family.

A similar thing has happened with my Aunt and cousins after her husband, my Nan's son, died. They even got disinherited and faded out of the family. The difference here though is that they don't live locally to anyone and had been quite emotionally distanced over the years. It still wasn't right but my Mum and her siblings felt the connection was gone once their brother had died. Really horrible.

I think you need to protect yourself. You need to work out if it is going to make your day feel better or worse having them there. If you don't want them there now, you need to be brave and explain to them why. Explain that it is incredibly painful to have lost your DF and now to realise that you are seen as lesser family without him around - at a time that you need them more than ever. Your feelings are valid and don't be afraid to express them - they need to know how they are making you feel as this is about more than the weddings.

Sounds like you’ve made your decision and I understand your reasoning. What I would say though is going forward, I would distance yourself from this cousin and not allow her to play ‘hierarchy’ games with you.
You are worth more than this. Go and live a good life and f**k her and her hierarchy.

If invitations havent been sent yet just don't invite them. How do you know you're not invited to theirs. But if it was clear I wasn't invited to theirs I absolutely would not invite them to mine. (Unless they were eloping or just having a tiny wedding with a few guests) and I certainly would not ask them why I wasnt invited. But I might fish for an answer from other family members.

Personally I wouldn't go. I agree with a PP who said that still having them at your wedding was based on an illusion of what your thought the relationship was, rather than what it is.

So sorry, I appreciate how hurtful this is. FWIW, I stepped back from a long-standing friendship (30+ years) when I realised that I hadn't been invited to their son's wedding but other friends had, despite me giving tons of support during her husband's illness and listening patiently over the years to some very disturbing details about her marriage and trying to help her. It stung a lot.

I had a close friend who id been friends with for over 25 years , she was getting married 2nd time around she prioritised his friends over me and expected me to go to a wedding alone ( not great at social events, her knowing this hurt even more ) my partner of 4 yrs wasnt invited i understand her reasoning but I knew no one... I would have happily gone with a friend of hers she wouldnt provide the friends number just expected me to turn up at the church alone...I made my excuses (genuine reason not to offend) and didn't go..
The reason for saying this is because I thought about the 25 yrs of close friendship realised it wasnt as close as I thought and made my exit ..if id gone it would have eat me up..I didnt lose a friend I lost someone who didn't really understand or care about me...she didnt reach out after the wedding after me sending a gift .
Take time to think about the hurt that has been caused and make your decision on that alone ..sometimes the friends that we value dont value us back..I've learned over time to let them go ..
Personally id let your cousin go.