I was in the wrong, AIBU to be disappointed anyway?

[DopamineDeficient]

About a month ago I went for an over 40s health check. The healthcare assistant who performed it was genuinely lovely and chatty and put me at ease, I remember leaving the appointment thinking he has a lovely bedside manner. During the conversation it came out that he is 27.

A month later I was in work and a friend request popped up and it was from the practitioner. I remembered his name and accepted.

About an hour later my DH asked me who this new guy was on my Facebook, I told him who it was and all hell broke lose.

Durning the course of the evening I fully accepted that I shouldn't have accepted, I was in the wrong, gave a genuine apology and deleted him. I explained I hadn't really given any thought to it beyond, oh yes I know who that is, accept and carry on with my day. However I can see how it looked to my husband and I was sorry for hurting him.

So far I guess I am unreasonable. However I don't necessarily think it was a huge deal and a conversation and an apology should have sufficed.

Now I have spent the last couple of years studying for a chartered qualification and my final exam result was due on Wednesday. We were so busy still arguing about this friend request that my husband didn't even ask me how I got on, wish me luck or acknowledge it was results day at all.

On Thursday he checked my phone to see if I had passed but still didn't mention it. Friday in amongst many emails still berating me for my terrible behaviour he finally emailed me to congratulate me on passing.

The weekend came and went and not a single mention in person of the massive thing I have achieved. He didn't even mentioned n it to his mum, (his mum is in the same field and has been very interested in my progress).

So my AIBU to be disappointed that a whole week later he is still arguing about this friend request to the extent that we haven't mentioned let alone celebrated my achievement?

I just feel very flat. I am not saying I wasn't in the wrong originally but I feel it was blown out of all proportion and totally ruined something that should have been a huge deal for me.

it is totally reasonable to accept a Facebok friend request from a man your husband doesn’t know. Your husband is controlling you with this and sounds abusive. How is his behaviour the rest of the time? This sounds like a massive red flag.

massive congratulations on your exam!!!!

Surely you know it’s not acceptable to add a man that you don’t know/barely know?

Not acceptable? To who? She can add anyone she wants. You sound as controlling as the husband.

Stop adding random men to your Facebook where you share pictures of yourself, family and potentially children.

Any you sound extremely naive adding random men you barely know.

Like why?
What would the reason be for you to add complete strangers or men you barely know?

Some people just add all and sundry. Never actually communicate with them though. Not a bug deal. Every heard of personal choice?

I havent read all the responses but your husband is massively out-of-line.

Accepting a facebook friend request is a very low-level of engagement. I would not be concerned with who my own husband is “friends” with on facebook as I am not his keeper and I trust him. If I ever felt uncomfortable, I would speak with him openly.

Obviously everyone’s relationship is different but his reaction is hugely disproportionate to any perceived offence and is unacceptable. I would feel exactly the same were the sexes reversed. I’d think very carefully about whether your DH is a good (or even decent) man and what this relationship offers you.

Congratulations on your exam success and I hope you have other people in your life who are celebrating you.

I read your first post thinking - convenient time for him to piss all over your parade...

Then I read the others and increasingly realised that you're in a dangerous relationship.

You have done well to pass your exams, but the lack of congratulations is the very least of your worries.

When you share pictures of yourself and personal information?

I don’t think anyone is that stupid.

Perhaps on accounts that are wannabe influencers but OP obviously isn’t one of them.

Hey girl, you sound stressed. Your comments are worrying. You did nothing wrong and hopefully the support on here shows you that.

The HCP contacting you IS weird and I wonder if perhaps they were also concerned about you if you perhaps mentioned something during the health check about your DH (really???) and his behaviour. From the outside, it is CLEARLY controlling, manipulative and coercive.

It sounds like you deserve better. You’ve made the first step in realising this situation is out of order and posting here, but do you have a person IRL you can confide in? Someone at work perhaps who doesn’t know your husband? Maybe someone at the healthcare practice who asked if your husband has authority to talk on your behalf?

You’re clearly doing really well at work and I presume well respected - congrats on the exam, that’s a HUGE achievement and you should be proud of yourself xx

Jeez, when you read all your messages together, it's a frightening level of control he is exerting over you.

I understand the just buying a house and no energy for divorce, but you really need out because you really won't get the energy levels back until you're free.

But please be really, really careful.

OP this is so sad. You are so brow beaten by this man’s insane insecurities that you can’t see the wood from the trees. Who in their right mind checks their partners Facebook friends lists? Assuming you are a fully grown adult, I’ve found over the years that I’ve acquired various friends and acquaintances on Facebook, many of whom I am no longer in touch with. Unless I was posting regularly about my life, DC etc, who cares??

Do you have other people in your life that you can celebrate your success with? Your achievement is worth noting and celebrating and if your husband can’t see that well then that’s on him.

But your name is your data if he only knew it in the course of his work. I used to work for a data collection place and you'd get sacked if you copied or took any of the information off the premises/onto your own devices including people's names.
Unless it's a business directory entry and the name and info are in the public domain. But not personal information of any kind.

Op your h is so insecure, wonder why op, as the saying goes ' dog knows his own tricks best'
Why does he feel the need to monitor your SM,
Why is he belittling you and making you walk on eggshells op,
This is on him not you op,

Your DH is not a nice man. Get out of there OP while you still have sanity. This is not something you should be contemplating beig in in the future. Huge congratulations on your achievement! Raising a glass to you. 🍹

I have personal pictures etc set for only some people not all friends.

Rarely I put anything like that on it anyway

He may be becoming dangerous

This.

Please contact Women's Aid or your local domestic abuse charity for advice before doing anything OP.

It is highly likely that his coercive control will escalate and he may put you in physical danger.

Coercive control is a crime, so contacting the police for support and advice is also a good idea.

Abuse crosses all class, race, age, gender lines. You can be a highly-qualified professional living in a beautiful house and still be abused by your partner. It is sadly common.

Professional support is key. Wishing you all the best OP.

I'm horrified you have to live this way.

Medical professional was HUGELY out of line to add you on social media. Disciplinary action type stuff there and worth a mention to the practice manager, such a massive overstep of patient confidentiality.

Your DH is a cock - he should not be checking your phone for ANYTHING and his reaction to adding someone on SM is completely unacceptable.

Line up those ducks op. Time to leave.

Red flags everywhere. Wouldn't be accepted??!! He's not in charge of you. Jesus, you even earn twice what he does. You should be enjoying your life. Get rid of this controlling prick.

How did the HA know how to contact you? Also, I'm assuming (but not 100% sure) that he has access to your medical records. There's a reason why some things need to be kept professional. I think he's crossed a line and I'm confused as to why you would just accept the request, and respond to it, without thinking?

The second anyone asks for your password or wants to check your messages the relationship is done.

It’s scary how OP has just accepted this as normal.

It sounds like your husband is controlling - mine wouldn't even look at my friends on Facebook or ask me to delete any of them. It also is hugely unprofessional of this randomer to add you on Facebook, I think you should consider why your reaction was to confirm friend rather than realise that's inappropriate and delete the request.

The rules your husband has for you are deeply concerning. He is very controlling and doesn't seem to have a great deal of respect for you. Was he always like this, or only when you started out-earning him?

Your husband is very jealous and controlling.

Not punishments as such but a week of arguing, being told how vile and disgusting I am.

I think this marriage has fried your brain, OP, for you not to see that this is really awful. You need to get out of this marriage as soon as you can.

On the other hand I think the HCP was incredibly unprofessional for adding you on social media. Was his examination of you intimate in any way?