I was in the wrong, AIBU to be disappointed anyway?

[DopamineDeficient]

About a month ago I went for an over 40s health check. The healthcare assistant who performed it was genuinely lovely and chatty and put me at ease, I remember leaving the appointment thinking he has a lovely bedside manner. During the conversation it came out that he is 27.

A month later I was in work and a friend request popped up and it was from the practitioner. I remembered his name and accepted.

About an hour later my DH asked me who this new guy was on my Facebook, I told him who it was and all hell broke lose.

Durning the course of the evening I fully accepted that I shouldn't have accepted, I was in the wrong, gave a genuine apology and deleted him. I explained I hadn't really given any thought to it beyond, oh yes I know who that is, accept and carry on with my day. However I can see how it looked to my husband and I was sorry for hurting him.

So far I guess I am unreasonable. However I don't necessarily think it was a huge deal and a conversation and an apology should have sufficed.

Now I have spent the last couple of years studying for a chartered qualification and my final exam result was due on Wednesday. We were so busy still arguing about this friend request that my husband didn't even ask me how I got on, wish me luck or acknowledge it was results day at all.

On Thursday he checked my phone to see if I had passed but still didn't mention it. Friday in amongst many emails still berating me for my terrible behaviour he finally emailed me to congratulate me on passing.

The weekend came and went and not a single mention in person of the massive thing I have achieved. He didn't even mentioned n it to his mum, (his mum is in the same field and has been very interested in my progress).

So my AIBU to be disappointed that a whole week later he is still arguing about this friend request to the extent that we haven't mentioned let alone celebrated my achievement?

I just feel very flat. I am not saying I wasn't in the wrong originally but I feel it was blown out of all proportion and totally ruined something that should have been a huge deal for me.

Your husband is out of line, with all of it. The kicking off, the sulking, checking your phone, the reporting on your behalf to the GP. He has jealousy and controlling issues.
He isn't healthy.

Well done on exam though, kudos.

perhaps I m watching to much too,

but you might be not wrong with this one

or even husbund have a spying app installed on OP's phone so he know all her movements

I have read all your comments now. This sounds like an abusive marriage. What would you tell your daughter if she came to you and described her relationship in this manner.

Btw please also note that if you are earning so much more than him, doing something similar to his mum and still progressing, he is ALSO likely to be jealous.
Jealous of how much you’re earning. Jealous of the attention you’re getting.

The house isn’t a reason good enough.
But he has worn you down. That’s why everything feels just too much right now.
Please ask yurself. If one of your dcs was in a similar position than yu,what would you tell them?

If you had a really good friend who you met up with for a lunch and she told you all about her husbands behaviour and it was the same as yours. Would you honestly think she was in a healthy relationship? Sometimes a step back is needed to see the wood for the trees.

Omg OP. He is abusive!
Please say you know this. Read your posts. This is not normal behaviour. You did nothing wrong. You have to leave him. Get sorted. You are the one with the much larger income. Get prepared. Either you have energy or not but honestly it’s not going to get better and you’ll end up miserable and regretful in later life having wasted your life with this abusive bastard.

Surely you know it’s not acceptable to add a man that you don’t know/barely know?

I can’t help feel that you are playing dumb and this isn’t the first time something like this has happened.

But if you share passwords, go through each others emails and messages then the relationship isn’t working and I’d end it.

I would be more sympathetic if you guys were early 20s figuring stuff out but you’re 40 and too old to be both acting so childish.

If I accepted a friend request on Facebook my husband wouldn't even notice a d neither would I. That plus the multiple emails sounds quite concerning. Do you feel safe? Is he controlling in other ways? Worth looking into support resources on coercive control and domestic abuse.

I agree. OP feels tired because of the coercive control. It’s not too late to make a new start.

It isn’t normal or professional for healthcare workers to friend people on FB either.

The healthcare professional should not have looked you up on social media and then sent a friend request - that is very unprofessional of him and he should not be abusing his position by doing so.

However, regardless of who has sent you a friend request and you have accepted it, your husband should not be monitoring something like that so closely and reacting this way as a result. It is very worrying that he is also checking your phone and emails. He sounds abusive and controlling. It seems he is like this in other ways too - not congratulating you is indicating to me that he resents your success and is punishing you by not celebrating it -another massive red flag.

Deep down, you know that you have not done anything wrong and he is obviously trying to convince you that this is threatening your marriage, when in reality, it is his behaviour that is threatening the marriage.

I hope that you are starting to plan leaving him, as the behaviour he is displaying is worrying and I’d imagine that these are not isolated incidents and things are only going to get worse.

Good luck.

Genuinely this is absolutely batshit. Why do you continue to allow this vile human in your life. Run run run.

It's a Facebook friend request not a weekend away in Paris. Means fuck all.

Another here who thinks your husband sounds unhinged.

As a PP noted, you are saying things which suggest you are in an abusive relationship like "I don't know the rules until I have broken one". Why is he the judge of what's right and what's wrong? You're clearly an extremely competent grown woman. Can't you judge for yourself what's right and what's wrong? There may be some areas where your lines are slightly differently drawn where you might each accommodate the other a bit but if you're comfortable with what's you've done you absolutely should not apologise or take any shit over it. Apologising just feeds his narrative that you've done something wrong.

Giving you 1 week's silent treatment is punishment and abusive. Letting another man into your marriage - what a ridiculous thing to say. I have never had these types of conversations with my DH in 25+ years. We each have opposite sex friends with whom we communicate via social media and whom we see socially from time to time. That's normal in a healthy relationship. We trust each other not to cross lines.

Yeah it's super inappropriate that the guy tried to friend you. You do realise that's a breach of medical regulations? He's lifted your data and tried to find you on socials. That is super intrusive.

But your DH is overreacting big time.

OP, I am worried about you.

You are clearly an intelligent capable woman with the earning power to be independent.

You are being emotionally and psychologically controlled by an abusive partner.

Lots of us will say LTB , but it isn’t easy when you are in the middle of being controlled, treading on egg shells, afraid to change passwords etc.

I think you could benefit from RL support , including counselling / therapy to give you the strength and perspective to save yourself.

With your new qualifications would you have the earning power to buy him out of your house? Talk to a mortgage advisor. You might be surprised. Call from work if necessary.

I agree if it’s inappropriate.
But the guy didn’t ’lift her data’.
He knew her name as she went to see him. He saw her so could match the picture in FB.
Inappropriate but not a ‘he went to look up details he shouldn’t have access to’ type of scenario.

More to the point. It’s a minor issue compared to how controlling tge OP’s dh is

Your updates are extremely worrying OP. He is controlling and abusive. You do need to look to leave for your own aelf esteem and sanity. Has he always been like this?

Your DH has called you "vile and disgusting". This is not normal.

My 'appeasing' conversation would be like this.
" John, I've done something which is a massive issue for you, but was trivial to me. Your expectations of my behaviour are miles from my reality. To the point where it is an insurmountable gap. I am not interested in fighting, or aportioning blame, but clearly we are not making each other happy. I want a divorce'
Followed with - I'm not doing the blame thing. I no longer love you, and believe you no longer love me. I want a divorce.

Please make sure that your children are provided for in your will (if that is your wish), as your husband won't leave them a penny.
Sorry if it seems a bit random but I have seen too much on MN over the years.

Do you trust this man? My ex was like this, all interactions with men monitored and checking socials etc. Turns out he was a massive cheat and holding me to his standard.

I agree, he couldn’t “lift her data” as healthcare professionals have to confirm name and DoB so the blood results etc. go on the correct person’s record. Looking a patient up on social media and friend requesting them is unprofessional and I’m sure he will have been spoken to about this.

Silent treatment, emails, “vile and disgusting” is an entirely different matter because OP has to live with this, day and night.

Your husband is either controlling or paranoid. This will only get worse.

Why would you want to be "friends" with a stranger who performed your health check? Facebook is so bloody weird.

Well done on the exam.

Your husband is a knob.

Another one to think your husband sounds unhinged. How have you got yourself in this position with your husband monitoring your every friend request and access to all your passwords?!