I was in the wrong, AIBU to be disappointed anyway?

[DopamineDeficient]

About a month ago I went for an over 40s health check. The healthcare assistant who performed it was genuinely lovely and chatty and put me at ease, I remember leaving the appointment thinking he has a lovely bedside manner. During the conversation it came out that he is 27.

A month later I was in work and a friend request popped up and it was from the practitioner. I remembered his name and accepted.

About an hour later my DH asked me who this new guy was on my Facebook, I told him who it was and all hell broke lose.

Durning the course of the evening I fully accepted that I shouldn't have accepted, I was in the wrong, gave a genuine apology and deleted him. I explained I hadn't really given any thought to it beyond, oh yes I know who that is, accept and carry on with my day. However I can see how it looked to my husband and I was sorry for hurting him.

So far I guess I am unreasonable. However I don't necessarily think it was a huge deal and a conversation and an apology should have sufficed.

Now I have spent the last couple of years studying for a chartered qualification and my final exam result was due on Wednesday. We were so busy still arguing about this friend request that my husband didn't even ask me how I got on, wish me luck or acknowledge it was results day at all.

On Thursday he checked my phone to see if I had passed but still didn't mention it. Friday in amongst many emails still berating me for my terrible behaviour he finally emailed me to congratulate me on passing.

The weekend came and went and not a single mention in person of the massive thing I have achieved. He didn't even mentioned n it to his mum, (his mum is in the same field and has been very interested in my progress).

So my AIBU to be disappointed that a whole week later he is still arguing about this friend request to the extent that we haven't mentioned let alone celebrated my achievement?

I just feel very flat. I am not saying I wasn't in the wrong originally but I feel it was blown out of all proportion and totally ruined something that should have been a huge deal for me.

“Not punishments as such but a week of arguing, being told how vile and disgusting I am.”

What would you tell your kids if they disclosed they were being treated like this?

This is coercive control.

Read/listen to Its Not You, by Dr Ramani and see if it fits.

In his opinion I have added a random man and allowed him into our marriage when I should be the gatekeeper to keep other men out. He says I have form for this, the problem is I don't know all the rules until I have broken one so I can fall foul of adding random men because they don't meet his requirements

@DopamineDeficient Your husband is meant to enrich your life not make you question if you have got his unknown rules wrong. You are walking on eggshells and he is abusing you with his vile name calling and controlling behaviour. A short, relatively, moment of pain through a divorce will be worth the many years of happiness you will have with him out of your life. No beautiful house is worth this.

Well done on your promotion 🎉🍾🥂

OP, whatever is going on with your DH, please don't add random men to your FB account. There's a massive safety issue here. What is your reason for adding them in the first place? My FB account is open only to friends. Even so, I make sure there are no incriminating photos showing that would indicate anything to do with where I live, car reg, anything. Scammers are incredibly sophisticated. Please be careful.

Why did he check your phone to see if you'd passed- surely by that point you'd told him?

This relationship is deeply unhealthy and the beautiful house is not worth staying in it.

Get rid of him and celebrate two wins at once.

I'd be wondering what he's up to himself. It's astonishing how many men go to 'you must be having an affair' because it's what they're doing themselves.

SO MANY worrying comments from you about this, @DopamineDeficient

Things like "In his opinion I have added a random man and allowed him into our marriage when I should be the gatekeeper to keep other men out."

You seem to think this is all normal behaviour from him? It's really, really not.

OMG! Your DH is a complete arsehole and a coercive control freak! WTF is it with all these “rules”

Start making a plan and get out it’s only going to get worse

You're 'allowed' male Facebook friends???? It's not his place to 'allow' you to do things!

Someone I was at school with, so essentially a stranger after all these years, added me on Facebook last week. I accepted, looked at the content on his page, didn’t like it, unfriended him. No drama.

Your dh has been way OTT and U.

I think we also need to address how unprofessional it was of this health 'professional' to add you on FB. It's a red flag and needs reporting to your surgery. I'm not sure why you accepted? But with this and your dh being controlling it makes me think you're maybe a bit vulnerable and don't see what's going on with their behaviour.

This is coercive control and is a massive red flag to indicate an abusive husband/partner. He is policing your every move, in person and online. He sounds unhinged and scary. You are obviously frightened of him and how he will react if you challenge him or do something as simple as changing your password.

Please try and contact a domestic abuse charity, e.g. Women's Aid or Rights of Women, for advice and support.

What the hell is a medical professional doing trying to friend a patient on Facebook? Hugely unprofessional and a big old red flag. I’d be pissed off if my DH friended a 27 year old woman who did his medical.

OP, why on earth do you put up with this? And I don’t mean leave necessarily. But if my husband querried my fb friend list or implied I am off to cheat the moment he blinks - he would be told in no uncertain terms to cut the nonsense and I am not engaging in this anymore. If he persisted I would leave the room, if he brought it up again it would be a short sharp: “No, I am not discussing this, end off”- and hold that silence. Every single time, well ok, 2nd one in a row would get a raised eyebrow and wouldn’t even be entertained with any reply.
His insecurity would not be my problem (obviously, I am more than happy for sensible conversation and reassurance if need it- but not the behaviour you mention). And honestly, the same thing holds the other way, so no I wouldn’t quiz him about a new young fb friend - though arguably he’d bring it up to me because he’d be puzzled about what to do with a professional overstepping boundaries like that - but I do not police his friends either. I do not go assuming he’ll cheat on me first opportunity he’ll get.
So it does go both ways and you need to make your husband stop controlling your life - he has no right to that, it is not the 1950s (not that it was right then, but would have been more difficult to challenge).

Just wow. You have done absolutely nothing wrong. You can be friends with whoever you like. He should never check your phone. You should not be bound by rules in marriage. How do your kids feel about him? I’m all for working at a marriage but yours sounds very dangerous. I’d be leaving and building a new life. We only get one shot at life - do you really want this for the rest of yours? And congratulations on the exam

OP wouldn't find out if her DH had added an attractive young nurse because she isn't a controlling stalker and she doesn't police his online interactions.

I’ve just read some of your responses. Your husband’s rules and regulations are not ok.

Your husband is controlling. He is a huge red flag.

Wow. You are an intelligent adult women who is being bashed over the head with an emotional stick.
His insecurities are awful. There is no need for the relentless bullying because you added someone on instagram.
After all your hard work, he couldn’t bring himself to celebrate with you.
Very controlling.

Aside from that the healthcare professional behaved inappropriately by making contact.

Lastly, congratulations on your exams. 💐

Yes a divorce would be painful but if you don't have joint children once its done its done. If you stay married this will be the rest of your life. Please leave him.

Your husband is threatened by your success and further threatened by the fact that a much younger man is interested in you. I'd say he's very aware that he's punching above his weight with you.

It is crazy that he regularly checks your FB friends to see who else has been added. This is a form of coercive control. And from everything else you have described in terms of his behaviour and reactions he sounds very troubled and unpleasant. He sound horrible OP, sorry not much else to say.

Im sorry but he has more than a few screws loose. This is an INSANE way to live

This. I am sorry but your DH is controlling and abusive and probably has a chip on his shoulder that you already earn more than him.

Please speak to a women’s support charity and plan leaving. My DH never looks at my phone, my socials, or even my post. This is not normal behaviour.

You have massive problems with this man.

You can't seriously consider staying with him surely?

OP, my dear, you have a BIG problem
it is called coercive control