I was in the wrong, AIBU to be disappointed anyway?

[DopamineDeficient]

About a month ago I went for an over 40s health check. The healthcare assistant who performed it was genuinely lovely and chatty and put me at ease, I remember leaving the appointment thinking he has a lovely bedside manner. During the conversation it came out that he is 27.

A month later I was in work and a friend request popped up and it was from the practitioner. I remembered his name and accepted.

About an hour later my DH asked me who this new guy was on my Facebook, I told him who it was and all hell broke lose.

Durning the course of the evening I fully accepted that I shouldn't have accepted, I was in the wrong, gave a genuine apology and deleted him. I explained I hadn't really given any thought to it beyond, oh yes I know who that is, accept and carry on with my day. However I can see how it looked to my husband and I was sorry for hurting him.

So far I guess I am unreasonable. However I don't necessarily think it was a huge deal and a conversation and an apology should have sufficed.

Now I have spent the last couple of years studying for a chartered qualification and my final exam result was due on Wednesday. We were so busy still arguing about this friend request that my husband didn't even ask me how I got on, wish me luck or acknowledge it was results day at all.

On Thursday he checked my phone to see if I had passed but still didn't mention it. Friday in amongst many emails still berating me for my terrible behaviour he finally emailed me to congratulate me on passing.

The weekend came and went and not a single mention in person of the massive thing I have achieved. He didn't even mentioned n it to his mum, (his mum is in the same field and has been very interested in my progress).

So my AIBU to be disappointed that a whole week later he is still arguing about this friend request to the extent that we haven't mentioned let alone celebrated my achievement?

I just feel very flat. I am not saying I wasn't in the wrong originally but I feel it was blown out of all proportion and totally ruined something that should have been a huge deal for me.

He’s clearly abusive. Luckily you have no shared children and while it will be an effort to get out of the marriage, you will be so much happier without him.

Congratulations on passing your exam 💪

Congratulations on passing your exam 💐
The HCA shouldn’t have sent you a friend request but you deleted him, no harm done. Your husband was OTT making a complaint. If you wanted to make a complaint you would have. The behaviour from your husband is far more concerning.

Congratulations on passing your exams.

You're husband is a controlling cunt. How dare he police who you have on social media, does he tell you what to wear and who to see as well? I've got male and female people on Facebook and I email male and female penpals from different countries. The day someone tells me what I can do or not would be a cold day in hell.

I hope with passing your exams opens up a new world where you can be truly happy on your own.

My DH can be a bit controlling at times.
He's not a complete aresehole though so the best way to tackle it is to call it out.

Genuinely I wouldn't entertain this bullshit for one moment - I would tell my DH he was being ridiculous and controlling and who the hell does he think he is speaking to me like a naughty child.
He'd have a sulk for an hour and then probably apologise or at least be able to discuss things like adults.

Unfortunately this controling dynamic in your marriage appears to have become a defining feature which makes it much harder to break. But you have a choice between accepting it as the way your life is, or doing something to change it.
What do you want to do?

Also,.yes weird behaviour from the HCP also. Are you in the UK?

So you're just going to carry on like this for the rest of your life? Seriously?! You're worth more, so what if you just bought a house? Get out of this abusive controlling relationship. Is he aware that coercive control is illegal?

Explain to me how that is similar to the healthcare professional who carried out your over 40's health check?
Have we all befriended the nurse who did our smear, our hygienist etc then and I'm the odd one out?!
I reckon we'd be asking questions if the husband had friended the young female nurse who'd carried out his prostate exam.

Your husband noticed that you had a new person on your Facebook within an hour of you accepting a friend request? That in itself is absolutely batshit crazy!!

The multiple emails berating you for accepting a friend request is insane too.

I fear that you have got so used to your husband's controlling behaviour that you don't even recognise this for what it is. Coercive controlling behaviour is domestic abuse. He is an abuser.

Please think very carefully about this - is this the tip of the iceberg? Is he controlling in other ways? You can call Women's Aid for support or the National Domestic Abuse Helpline. You can talk through anything with them confidentially and get advice. I think you really need to do this.

Domestic Abuse isn't always physical. Emotional and mental abuse can be just as damaging, if not more. Please reach out for some help 💐

I’m sure this has been said repeatedly but I’ve only read your comments. This is coercive control. There will always be rules you have broken because there are no actual rules, there are just excuses to take his anger and insecurity out on you verbally to make you feel worthless and bad. There is no perfect way you can be that will make him happy. Yes, the hcp should not have added you, but that’s on him. You are not having unfaithful thoughts by speaking to men platonically, and it’s so unhealthy to live like this. I left a similar relationship over a decade ago and I’m still working through being able to feel comfortable around men because of this. Another thing abusers do is they will undermine any of your achievements and celebrations so this Facebook thing was perfect timing for him. Well done on your hard work and achieving something for yourself. Please, see this as a new chapter and get rid of this awful man that’s weighing you down x

This is so so sad to read op. You’re worth so much more than this. You shouldn’t be living your life trying not to break these made up rules. I really hope you find the strength to leave this controlling prick

There is so much wrong here. He checks your friends list? Only people approved (by him) are allowed to be your friends? He would lose his shit if you changed your password? Why is he looking at your phone anyway? None of his business.

I think you should change your passwords on everything and kick off the divorce.

My ex-husband was like this, paranoid about contact with other men. It was pre-Facebook but he wore me down to the point where I was questioned for hours if I spoke to my friends’ husbands, their brothers, men I’d known at school, male doctors. He imagined all sorts of flirtations at work, demanding to know why I was 15 minutes late home and speculating that I’d been talking to male colleagues. I left him after two years.

I agree. I think the husband is nasty and controlling and OP needs to leave him ASAP, but I also think it’s weird that this young man added her and weird that she accepted it too. He gave her a healthcare exam, why would they need to be Facebook friends? Bizarre behaviour from both of them, but extremely toxic and abusive behaviour from the husband who should be the ex.

Your husband is seriously weird. Overreaction but also who monitors their spouse’s Facebook the closely? He sounds controlling.

To add - the medical practitioner is weird too.

1. the medical professional shouldn't be reaching out in a social capacity
2. your husband is mad
3. you can be facebook friends with whoever you like, you're grown ups and you did NOTHING WRONG
4. you do not need to feel guilty for "hurting" your husband, he is a baby and his reaction was completely out of proportion
5. his behaviour is VERY CONCERNING
6. you say EMAILS as in plural as in many emails "berating" you?! about a friend request on Facebook?! JEEESUSSSS WEPT. Run away from this horrible man for goodness sake. Eww. He needs to get in a bin
7. not showing an interest, not giving you any support, and a belated half arsed congratulations on something that's important to your career and that you've spent lots of time and energy on is APPALLING BEHAVIOUR and RED FLAG BEHAVIOUR
8. he will continue to ruin your life and dull your sparkle and piss on your parade, boot him far far away

She didn't fuck up at all.

It must be some new house for you to feel it is worth living like this...
You have financial independence and the rest of your life to live... a few months.. a year of hassle to free yourself of this horrible man is surely worth it.
It might appear daunting but you are so much luckier than many many women who are in unhappy/abusive marriages.. the door is open for you to walk away.
Get your life back.

Your husband sounds like an absolute lunatic, no way on earth could I put up with an hour of that shite, let alone a lifetime.

Omg OP your husband is beyond controlling. He is also emotionally abusive, and you sound scared of him. You can be friends with who you want, it isn’t up to him. I bet he controls other areas of your life too. It’s no way to live. He is extremely unreasonable, and you haven’t done anything wrong.

You can regret it for a short time or you can regret it for a long time. I would choose the short time and get out of this toxic marriage now. Then live the rest of your life in freedom without having this controlling monster constantly monitoring and berating you.

I'm a HCP, and was friendlier with patients in my 20s - likely to meet through teams (sport, not microsoft), or activities. 27yo have hundreds of FB friends. I think you dealt with it properly - a friendly acquaintance.

Your DH is a sneak (refriending his colleague after all the fuss), a bully. Get rid! It will be a battle as he won't want to lose his cash source, but for every day you're married he gets more rights.

Not punishments as such but a week of arguing, being told how vile and disgusting I am.

@DopamineDeficient that IS a punishment.
Just like refusing to acknowledge your resukts IS a punishment.

AND he is controlling too.
Who checks who you’re adding as friends on FB? That closely that within half a day they know about itL
That they feel it’s ok to make a complain in your behalf?

Cant you see how far he is going and how controlling it is?

LTB. Especially now you’re qualified and presumably can provide for yourself.

none of what you have described is normal. He is controlling and abusive. Ask around.

OP, these are signs of coercive control from your husband. I’m sorry you’re in this position. His behaviour is very unlikely to change, so, however tricky, I think you need to get yourself out of this relationship. (I don’t say this lightly - I know it will be very difficult when you own a house together, but the alternative of staying and being bullied is a lot worse and will cause you stress for a lot longer.)

Why are you with this man. And why are you letting him dictate what you do? Who cares if it breaks his rules.
Yes you probably shouldn’t have accepted the friend request and it was odd of the doctor to send it in the first place. But it sounds like you’re worried about not breaking his rules.
The fact he’s checking how many friends you have on a regular basis is weird and controlling and would give me the ick.