AIBU to think DH overreacted to a bedtime joke?

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DH was out this evening at a meeting. I let the children stay up late - 15 mins past their bedtime watching a film. Let’s face it, we’re so close to the end of term, they are early secondary school and are very good kids tbh so it didn’t feel like a biggie (to me).

When DH arrived home, I thought it would be funny for them to comically scamper upstairs (in full view), then come down again pretending he had woken them up (with OTT yawning). It was very clearly lighthearted. It was entirely my idea.

DH did not find it funny AT ALL and berated the children. I held my hands up (literally, immediately) and said I was sorry, it was all my idea: I had encouraged them and thought it would make him laugh …but he was still exceptionally pissed off and continued to tell them off. Both children went to bed pretty upset.

Wtaf? Hand on heart, I kept saying it was my fault and he mustn’t blame the kids. He is enraged with all of us. I am so confused.

Yes parents are expected to put up with it from adult kids

Who says?

Surely, you can understand that just because the activities your children attend finish at 9pm, that isn’t the case for all activities. My children at secondary school age have taken part in many activities in the evening including football and athletics sessions several times a week and they have not finished at 9pm. Just like adults, some children need more sleep than others and I’m not sure the point of the post was about the actual
fime of going to bed.

Yeah because we hear one biased side of the story

Read many many threads on MN.

I imagine that anyone who uses the words ‘big difficult feelings’ to describe an adult being angry is going to add fuel to the fire.

Out of curiosity, what are the acceptable ways of expressing anger about someone else’s actions?

Out of curiosity, what are the acceptable ways of expressing anger about someone else’s actions?

Surely this depends on if the anger is justified or not? If I've had a tough day, I'm tired stressed etc, my tolerance level is on the floor, if I feel angry about something, chances are it's because I'm annoyed in general not annoyed at my family, so I would never express anger to them under those circumstances.

The bottom line is, some people just cannot control their anger/feelings and will absolutely take it out on the nearest people to them.. some even WANT to take their frustration out on their family because they can't take it out on their boss/friend/whatever.. that really isn't acceptable at all IMO.

Kids being up 15 minutes past their bedtime, and/or playing around should not be a reason to berate them till they cry.. it's not justifiable at all.

The whole situation was a shitshow. I am surprised that secondary school children would be hiding under tea towels earlier in the day so it’s obviously ‘wacky’.

It sounds like nobody in the house (including both parents) knows how to read the room so it’s no wonder tempers flare.

They aren’t tiny children - they are old enough to understand that adults do lose their temper sometimes.

Deliberate use of it because it is throwing a temper tantrum.

You use your words. Respectfully. ‘I feel angry because when you do X/did X, I felt Y. Please don’t do X, do Z instead.’

Anger and shouting can be justified but here it was disproportionate and went on too long. It was directed at children who are the least powerful in that dynamic. It was wrong. Full stop.

I grew up with adults that would lose their temper, shout at me, call me names. It left its mark. It’s abusive. I married someone who did the same. I’m divorcing him. I won’t tolerate it anymore.

We all lose our temper from time to time. We then have a responsibility to take accountability and apologise.

When people react to abuse, that’s different. Still the responsibility of the temper loser to make changes though if they can.

They are also in a powerless position and a dysregulated and disproportionately angry parent is frightening and ruptures the trust and safety and child needs to feel towards their parent. It needs repair.

Belittling people by calling it a tantrum isn’t a good look. You are obviously projecting from your own childhood.

If someone does something that makes you angry then what is an acceptable way of expressing said anger? Because I turn it inward and it has messed me up.

An apology is meaningless if he doesn’t regret what he did.

The whole household sounds rather immature so perhaps it’s better all round if the whole family stops playing these ‘jokes’ - hiding under tea towels etc isn’t typical of secondary school kids,

So if someone did something to make your temper, you would always apologise for it? Even though it may have been perfectly justified?

Anger is fine. Expressing anger is fine. Losing your temper and berating someone for an extended time, especially if you are the more powerful in the dynamic, isn’t ok.

If we lose our temper and behave unacceptably we should take accountability.

If we lose our temper due to goading or abuse, we should both boundary the goading and abuse behaviour and apologise if we stepped out of line. Both things can be wrong.

I have reacted to abuse at times. I have apologised for those reactions AND put boundaries around the behaviour that prompted them. I won’t tolerate abusive behaviour and that includes disproportionate rage and verbal abuse.

So you are saying that if you are abused or goaded into losing your temper and you do lose it, then you apologise?

'being angry' is very different to 'losing your temper' though.

and being 'goaded and abused' is very different to your children not being in bed when you get home, or other such innocuous things.

When you are specifically talking about kids, losing your temper with them should prompt an apology, as it's your job to model proper conflict resolution, and if you verbally lash out because they lose control of their emotions then you have failed, if the kids have done something of consequence to prompt your anger they should apologise for that too.

Everyone gets angry at times, it is how you deal with that anger which is important.

I have apologised to my abusive ex for the time I behaved unacceptably, yes. Because I behaved outside of what most people would classify as acceptable. I also held a line around his behaviour at the same time. I don’t accept certain behaviours from others. I don’t accept them in myself either. I could have walked away but instead I lashed out badly. That’s not ok. I forgive myself. Fully. I understand why I did it. It was understandable. And it was not ok. I’m divorcing him because he didn’t take accountability and didn’t change with me or DC.

I don’t think anyone has ever apologised to me for losing their temper. I wouldn’t expect them to. Maybe it’s a generational thing as I’m GenX and parents didn’t routinely apologise for being justifiably wound up by their children’s behaviour (talking generally now, not necessarily the OP situation)

Short of violence, how can you be genuinely sorry for your natural reaction to something? And if you aren’t sorry then why apologise?

I don’t think anyone has ever apologised to me for losing their temper. I wouldn’t expect them to.

All that means is that is something you have been conditioned to believe.

Maybe it's an empathy thing? I know people who have a complete inability (not refusal) to see things from others point of view and they struggle immensely with apologising.. they may act contrite, or be nicer to that person for a while, so you know that they do feel bad about what happened, but they just can't say the words and admit it.. maybe because they want to avoid taking accountability or opening themselves up for criticism. It is also a trait of a narcissistic personality. But maybe it is just because it was never modelled to them in a healthy way growing up, so they don't have the tools they needs to express their anger in a healthy way.

Taking accountability for your actions and being able to see things from other point of view is a really important attribute to me, and I feel it is important to model that to my kids, so I will always apologise if I felt I have gone too far, or if losing my temper has more to do with my state of mind at the time (if I'm tired/frustrated etc), and out of proportion with what has actually occurred (like in OPs case).

Expressing anger congruently and with emotion is fine.

Becoming scarily dysregulated and berating someone isn’t.

If you have caused someone distress because you lost control then that’s not ok.

So how about the person winding you up taking accountability for their sctions

Same concept absolutely applies IMO, I didn't give an example of it because I was talking about it from the perspective of someone losing their temper over something innocuous.. but the same principle applies:

Taking accountability for your actions and being able to see things from other point of view is a really important attribute to me

Empathy really does go both ways.

But it very much depends on what you mean by 'winding you up', I don't really like that phrase to be honest, it has 'you made me do it' vibes, that can sometimes be used by abusers to victim blame so they can justify their inner need to dominate and control.

If you just mean someone has done something to make you angry, then it would depend what it was and what your reaction was.. there are definitely healthy ways and unhealthy ways of dealing with your anger.

I’m GenX too (although I had to look it up).

In the 70s domestic violence was considered a private matter. The law changed at some point in that decade to say you could no longer beat your wife with a stick (no wider than your thumb). Corporal punishment in schools was stopped.

We are now 50 odd years on and standards have improved further. I’m glad we can hold ourselves and others to higher standards of relational and parenting behaviours.

But what does that look like? And if you get angry and don’t lose your temper completely, do you still apologise?

’Scarily dysregulated’ is subjective.

Maybe it’s a ND thing but I ask the genuine question because an apology is completely worthless. If someone loses their temper with me then they can apologise as many times as they want, it doesn’t magically turn the clock back