AIBU to think DH overreacted to a bedtime joke?

[Reallyneedadvicesosad]

DH was out this evening at a meeting. I let the children stay up late - 15 mins past their bedtime watching a film. Let’s face it, we’re so close to the end of term, they are early secondary school and are very good kids tbh so it didn’t feel like a biggie (to me).

When DH arrived home, I thought it would be funny for them to comically scamper upstairs (in full view), then come down again pretending he had woken them up (with OTT yawning). It was very clearly lighthearted. It was entirely my idea.

DH did not find it funny AT ALL and berated the children. I held my hands up (literally, immediately) and said I was sorry, it was all my idea: I had encouraged them and thought it would make him laugh …but he was still exceptionally pissed off and continued to tell them off. Both children went to bed pretty upset.

Wtaf? Hand on heart, I kept saying it was my fault and he mustn’t blame the kids. He is enraged with all of us. I am so confused.

Where is the 12 hours coming from? As far as we know he was at home all day and went out for a couple of hours to a rotary meeting.

OP has explained that it's the sort of joke they go in for as a family. Once he knew that it wasn't the kids' fault he had no business taking his bad temper out on them.

Yup. Hence him going OTT I said was on him. The ‘joke’ was lame and obviously way off mark too. DH obviously missed the memo 📝 that they are a goofy family.

Fun sponge label too simplistic. I’d of found that annoying also but as you say wouldn’t of reacted as her DH did. Kids are the ones caught in cross fire here.

Yet another time waster thread.

OP asks for advice. Wants however 💯 corroboration so does a runner when MN gives range of views 🙄.

Tell your husband he will never be allowed to bully your children ever again! My husband once did something similar- I told him at the time he was never to speak to our child like that again, that his behaviour was disproportionate and bullying and I would not allow it. It was important to me that my son recognised that I would not allow him to be bullied, even by his dad. ( it never did happen again)

What kind of home do your kids have? You let them stay up for 15mins after ‘bedtime’ as a treat. Their father comes home and rather than being delighted to see his kids is enraged and shouting at them because he is angry with you. Fuck that life.

As a bloke, having seen this before, I do not believe it is anything to do with the kids, you or the joke.

The joke is trivial.

Since you say he was at a meeting, it is more likely (almost certain) about that meeting.

Did some dweeb at the meeting pooh pooh his ideas or made him look small to his boss? I do not think wives realise how sh*tty it is to work for most firms. The people that rise further to the top are the least useful, but they just step on people to get there.

Were his ideas rejected, even though he has worked on them for some time?

Is the power politics in the office moving away from him and he is concerned?

Did some moron in a car cut him up on the way home?

The problem you have, if he really has had a bad time at work, if you ask him too much about it, he will become even more defensive and get at you more.

Maybe the best strategy is be neutral, and say he upset the kids. If he knows his anger was about something else, he is going to feel guilty and will try to ultimately put that right.

I agree entirely, he was probably grumpy because his ego was bruised in the meeting. Except it wasn't a work meeting, so that means it was something even worse, eg the local village volunteers' annual general meeting or something equally awful.

Op's dh does not sound either nice or proportionate in his reactions. "Jackie you do not have the authority" type man

exactly. Either he was having a bad day or he is hiding something and not feeling comfortable about it.

but his reaction is telling… and nothing at all to do with you or the DC.

Or the kids had been sleepy at school so the parents had decided on a strict 9pm bedtime. Then the first night he's not there, he's come back to them all making a joke out of it and still up

We're never going to know the back story, @Reallyneedadvicesosad is never going to reply.

“I do not think wives realise how sh*tty it is to work for most firms.”

’Wives’ also have jobs nowadays.

Haha I missed that part of that comment.

Yes, we know how shitty it is to work with sensitive men who fly off the handle!

I do wish posters would stop banging on about the heat. Being at home with the kids is not some cool oasis away from the heat; for many the home is hotter than outside and certainly hotter than many people’s workplace. My DH goes to work on an air conditioned train and works all day in an air conditioned office. Not the same for everyone of course, but no need to make the assumption the other way.

Also what’s with all the ‘leave him alone he’s been working’? Very 1950s. There’s every chance OP had a difficult day too. Yes I understand the point about the meeting, I’m talking about the posters siding with him purely because he’d been working n a rather sneery way towards the OP. Not nice.

Just read that it wasn’t even a work meeting! Totally proving my point about not making assumptions.

Haha indeed. Maybe some husbands need to stop taking their day out on their families.

Hmm if you say so. Probably wouldn't have blown up ( although that's extreme) if people weren't playing silly buggers. Id have probably been " ffs give it a rest until I've had a cuppa"

Incidently what the hell do you suppose people do when they have to rush back to prick kids up from nursery or school. They don't have time to sit outside and " take 5" . Unless of course they want a late fine. I can tell you from experience that if you've been stuck in traffic trying to pick kids up after a stressful day it's reasonable to have 5 mins when you get in before starting dinners el, evening plans etc. I can't imagine
allowing kids ) or anyone) ho hassle people as soon as they are hone

As a wife that works in senior management in a large organisation, I can promise that I, and all the many wives I work with, know full well how shitty it indeed is.

Jesus wept, it’s 2026, not 1826 🙄

(PS: if you’d read OP’s posts, you’d have seen that she also works and that it was not a work meeting that her husband attended anyway. Comprehension skills - 0 😂)

If he's not normally like that op then obviously something else is going on and he's come home already on edge and this has just annoyed him rather than him seeing the silly in it. If he's overall a good husband and this is out of character then I'd probably be a bit concerned about him even though the reaction isn't really okay.

I can see why it would be annoying if you were coming home feeling unwell or looking forward to some adult time with your other half or after a difficult situation where you need to decompress. He shouldn't be taking that out on anyone but we're all human at the end of the day and if it's not like him then i think you can give a by ball until you know what's actually going on. Is it possible he felt bad about going out or like you were cross about him going out tonight and thought you did this on purpose so he'd still have to help do bedtime and closing? If this is not a one off then my feeling on it would be very different and I'd be laying it out that he's responsible for his own emotional regulation.

I think when things are calmer I'd be sitting down with him and saying his reaction surprised you and you want to understand his perspective. I would be saying that the kids thought they were doing something to make him laugh and welcome him home but it's clear that it didn't land that way so you need him to communicate why so you understand what's actually happening.

Who was he out with or what sort of evening meeting was it he was at?

@JAA17 "I do not think wives realise how sh*tty it is to work for most firms."

We've really had our eyes opened since they started letting us out of the kitchen you know...

Woman here 🤚, I also work for a ‘firm’. A bank, in fact. Senior management. I have many female colleagues. A lot of us are wives. Do you think we’re all too busy doing the ironing to have jobs?

If you read OPs posts you realise it wasn't even a work meeting! But seeing as you are falling over yourself to offer excuses for his behaviour, do you think it is okay to come home and berate your kids until you upset them because you're in a foul mood? The answer is no, it is not acceptable to be abusive to your kids for any reason, at any time.

I feel sorry for your family if you really believe what you have written above, they must be treading on eggshells every time you come home, in case you stub your toe on the way in.

TBH I get him being pissed off at you, don't see how an earth that is funny.

But if you made it very clear you told them to do all that, then no, not really fair on them. Maybe he feels they are old enough to think for themselves so it's partially their fault?

Are you able to share what this non-work related evening meeting was about?

Realistically no one is going to disagree with you that DH overreacted based on the behaviour you have described towards you and the children ("exceptionally pissed off" "enraged"), but I think you knew that when you posted. It's fairly obvious that this behaviour is unacceptable (or at the very least, excessive) in most circumstances with or without children.

So putting the obviousness of your husband's OTT reaction aside, have you read the many responses from PP, and considered that the timing of your "joke" was pretty bad? It sounds like you're fairly regimented on bedtimes in your house, so presumably DH was expecting to come home and find DC in bed. 100% agree his reaction was excessive, but if I (and many others) came home at 9.15pm, assuming my children were in bed and I could relax for the night, I wouldn't find this drawn out performance particularly amusing either, particularly if I had had a stressful evening (but since you haven't shared any detail on what this "meeting" was that's speculative).

I don't think the OP came on here to reflect on what had happened at all.

Please read what I wrote, I said it was wrong:

"Maybe the best strategy is be neutral, and say he upset the kids. If he knows his anger was about something else, he is going to feel guilty and will try to ultimately put that right."

I was genuinely trying to help. If you blast guys who post something that might not be the most 'perfectly' written answer, then we will just stop posting.

As a guy, I can honestly say this is NOTHING about the kids or wife doing some major crime. The problem is elsewhere, and the difficulty the OP has is getting it resolved without appearing pushy because that might make him even more distant and hide what the real problem is.

I was genuinely trying to help.

I'm not blasting you, I promise, and absolutely not because you are posting as a man, but your post was quite offensive in some ways

I do not think wives realise how shtty it is to work for most firms.*

Do you realise how patronising that is? Most women now are working mums, they know all too well how shitty work can be, and yet they don't use it as an excuse to come home and abuse their family.

I'm not getting at you but the tone of your post rubbed me right up the wrong way if I'm honest, everything you said was about OP modifying her behaviour to as not to feel the wrath of her husband, and how he should be excused from his awful behaviour because he may have had a bad day, and now she shouldn't mention it because it may make him withdraw.

I totally understand the sentiment, of "don't take it personally, as it wasn't you that caused him to be upset", but that only really applies to customer services to be honest, where you are paid to take shit off people, no one should ever take their spouse having a bad day as a free pass to berate their loved ones.