AIBU to think DH overreacted to a bedtime joke?

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DH was out this evening at a meeting. I let the children stay up late - 15 mins past their bedtime watching a film. Let’s face it, we’re so close to the end of term, they are early secondary school and are very good kids tbh so it didn’t feel like a biggie (to me).

When DH arrived home, I thought it would be funny for them to comically scamper upstairs (in full view), then come down again pretending he had woken them up (with OTT yawning). It was very clearly lighthearted. It was entirely my idea.

DH did not find it funny AT ALL and berated the children. I held my hands up (literally, immediately) and said I was sorry, it was all my idea: I had encouraged them and thought it would make him laugh …but he was still exceptionally pissed off and continued to tell them off. Both children went to bed pretty upset.

Wtaf? Hand on heart, I kept saying it was my fault and he mustn’t blame the kids. He is enraged with all of us. I am so confused.

I was just writing In the context of the OP's post where she is the wife and the husband was at a late meeting (which I mistakenly believed was a work meeting).

We do not have to be offended by everything, even though we are constantly being bombarded by the media that we should.

You can see from my post I was genuinely trying to help. And, I will reiterate again. If we all take offence at a less than 'perfectly' written post that is clearly trying to help, then people will just stop posting and all we will hear from is people who are self appointed sub-perfect-post crime monitors.

I genuinely do not care if I post again or not. But, I was genuinely trying to help, and I wanted to help out with my experience that might be slightly different than the average Mumsnet poster.

When your "experience" implies that you're unfamiliar with women being in the workplace (or women being in positions of seniority in the workplace) then don't be surprised when your opinions aren't taken seriously on a majority women website.

The ‘wife’ in the OP also has a job.

You are talking rot. You know you are talking rot, but you are running with it.

As a (brilliant) Maths tutor, I have helped many females into great jobs, so your faux offence is misdirected. I have built confidence, where there has been none, where they believe anything is attainable in exams and the work place.

What I said was in the context of what the OP had written. If the genders were reversed, I would have written the same thing, except using the word 'husbands' instead of 'wives'.

I do not think wives realise how shtty it is to work for most firms.

Explain why you don't think "wives" realise this.

Can I just ask where the "I do not think wives realise how shtty it is to work for most firms"* comment came from?

It doesn't really matter as it wasn't a work meeting as it turns out, but I'm genuinely curious why you think that? I work full time running my own business, but my DH hates his job and I have nothing but empathy with him for the dickheads that work above him.

Come off it, that makes no fucking sense.

You all sound pretty ridiculous

What I said was in the context of what the OP had written. If the genders were reversed, I would have written the same thing, except using the word 'husbands' instead of 'wives'.

You would say that husbands don't understand how shitty it is to work for most firms? It's too much of a sweeping generalisation for it to apply to either gender in fairness. That's why I was wondering why you hold that view.

We aren’t talking here about saying “ffs give it a rest until I’ve had a cuppa”.

I think actually needing to take 5 minutes to be in a state where you won’t berate someone (especially children after it’s been pointed out it’s not their fault) is pretty extreme and something that (baring sudden stress like a bereavement) should have been worked on long before it got to that stage.

I find it very questionable that in a post about 'overreacting' some posters think they can 'overreact' to a sub-optimally written post by someone who is genuinely trying to help.

If you think this is acceptable, then that is a reflection on you.

But it makes the - blatantly unreasonable - assumption that the OP doesn’t work in a corporation and the husband does. None of which were well founded in the context of the post.

Your point about the reason for the anger being about the meeting is likely true, in my opinion, but you prejudice about the OP and the generalization to “wives” was really sexist and offensive.

You are making incorrect assumptions about my character. What you are doing is bullying, plain and simple.

I find it questionable that you won't elaborate on your views, they are your views after all and this is a discussion forum for exactly that purpose, all I wanted to know was why you made generalisations about wives and women in particular, I fear you have made them because you hold some deep routed sexist / misogynistic views and had incorrectly applied them to OP, but I was actually hoping it was just clumsy wording so was perfectly happy to give you the benefit of the doubt.

And your only response is to come back on and accuse the women here of "over-reacting".

Says it all sadly.

I have made it crystal clear I would have written exactly the same thing, but with "husband" and "wives" reversed, if the genders in the original post had been switched.

What you, and others are doing is bullying.

You were the one pushing sexist stereotypes and when called out you, apparently, couldn’t even see it. Even now you’re pretending you would have reversed the sexes - which makes you look ridiculous.

I have made it crystal clear I would have written exactly the same thing, but with "husband" and "wives" reversed, if the genders in the original post had been switched.

Sweeping generalisations like that about either sex are inherently sexist, I was asking you WHY you don't think wives would understand the pressure's men are under at work, and the same question applies if you sexes were reversed and you don't think husbands understand the pressure women are under at work?

It's quite the unusual position to take in modern society, so was wondering if you would elaborate your views, or were you talking about a subset of wives, like stay at home mums, or if you were talking about OP in particular when you said it?

Fair play to you, it's brave on a site full of women to say 'women don't understand the pressure men are under at work', I think you are getting off pretty lightly in fairness if that is really what you believe.

This may give you a sense of power and control, but it is bullying. You make general accusations over a sub-optimal post.

If this bullying is acceptable on this site, I do not want to be part of it.

@JAA17 you're not being bullied. People are disagreeing with something you wrote because you presented it as though it were a general truth rather than your own experience.

You didn't say "my wife doesn't understand what my workplace is like." You said "wives don't understand...", which makes a broad statement about wives as a group. Given that millions of wives have demanding careers and difficult workplaces themselves, it's hardly surprising people have read it as misogynistic.

Saying "I'd have said husbands too" doesn't really address the point, because that's not what you wrote. If you'd genuinely meant "some spouses don't understand each other's jobs", most people would probably have agreed. Instead you chose a gendered generalisation and people have responded to the words you actually used.

Disagreement and criticism aren't bullying. If several people independently point out the same problem with your wording, that doesn't mean they're piling on; it may simply mean you've expressed yourself in a way that doesn't say what you intended.

They aren't general accusations.. I'm asking you about something you have specifically said, just one particular thing, which was a sexist remark.

If I'm being kind, I'm going to assume you are an older chap where it was more commonplace for wives to stay at home with the kids while the men went to work, as it was one or two generations ago, so it may well have been true in some circumstances back then, in the same way you could say husbands didn't appreciate how hard it was to look after children and the home all day.. either way it is still condescending to refer to all wives and all husbands in general terms when saying that as it's just not true, it wasn't then and it certainly isn't now.

It is the norm for women to work now, not all, but the ones who don't are very much in the minority, especially with school age children, and even the ones that are SAHM have usually had jobs or careers right up until they had familes. So it is not bullying to point out that your views about women not understanding the pressure men are under at work, are sexist and outdated.

True. But I do think even for the sake of his wife he shouldn’t bring his dysregulation into the home.

Maybe I will quote what you wrote on one of the many many threads about home should be the place where deregulation can be shown after coping all day.
l

He's the adult. He needs to suck it up if the OP has already said it was their idea.

So it’s ok for family members to shout at you and berate you? Express unregulated and disproportionate anger towards you?

It’s fine to lose your cool. It’s fine get emotional. It’s fine to get angry. It’s how you express it that matters.

“Your big difficult feelings don’t give you the right to verbally abuse me.”

We all have a responsibility to regulate ourselves and behave respectfully. We all mess up. When we do, we need to take accountability and apologise and repair.