To not attend this party as it’s at the child’s home?

[hiddenforest]

Normally I love a kids party but this one is in someone’s home. When this has happened before I find it so stressful trying to make sure my children don’t accidentally break something or go somewhere they aren’t supposed to.

Wow.
The majority of my DCs parties (both ours and their friends) were at home.
No one turned down invitations.
I don't recall anything being broken.

Maybe the difference is that whole class parties weren't such a thing back then.

Why the ‘wow’?

If your child got overwhelmed and distressed at soft play, or was terrified of water, or had recently broken their leg so trampolining was out (which was actually the case with one of DS’s friends for his birthday) would you be dumbfounded and speechless with disbelief that someone might decline on that basis?

No one is criticising their choice. It just probably won’t work well for us at this time.

Does your son know about the party? Will he be upset not to go?

I don’t think he’ll mind particularly.

I am genuinely a bit lost as to why this thread seems to have provoked a number of quite ill tempered and peevish responses. Some seem to have taken it as a personal slight on their choices to hold parties at home, as if I am suggesting that is somehow not good enough, there have been a lot of replies defending the home party, a number of suggestions that ds lacks boundaries and that i am an indulgent and poor parent, ignoring his rampaging.

Then there is much faux sorrow for the poor birthday child and suggestions that I have messed the family around.

It is just really peculiar. I am trying to work out why it has provoked those responses and perhaps it is because an out of control child (albeit through over enthusiasm) combined with an opportunity to scorn expensive party venues is like catnip for a lot of MNetters. Who knows. I am quite sure that had the party been at soft play and I declined because it’s just nasty darling the responses wouldn’t be quite so quarrelsome!

OP, well, since you asked, I think the responses you mention have been due to:

• it is very uncommon for a parent to turn down a party invite because they think their child will be out of control and rampaging at a party, unless the child has serious behavioural or developmental difficulties. I'm sorry you think it's snide when people say this to you.
• home parties are very common, so people are puzzled that an invite to one has created an issue for you.
• it's July, so the party will probably be at least partly outdoors - even if you think it won't.
• most important: you came on Mumsnet to ask people's opinions! `Which they honestly provided. You just don't like the opinions.

Of course you should do what you want, this is a storm in a teacup and it will matter not a jot in the history of your son and the birthday boy's lives. So go ahead and turn down the invitation! But don't be astonished and angry that 97% of Mumsnet thinks YABU.

Home parties are common for some and not others as far as I can see. They certainly aren’t the norm round here.

I don’t ‘think’ some responses are snide; they are.

I don’t imagine I’m the only one who isn’t totally comfortable with their child being unsupervised at the party. For some it might be because they are clingy or lack confidence and some might be because they get over excited and boisterous and you don’t expect others to manage it. I haven’t explained that on the decline, just a generic sort of ‘so sorry we’ve planned something.’

A party invite is not a summons, after all.

I don’t ‘think’ some responses are snide; they are.
Bit hypocritical 😂

It isn’t just here in some cases @BudgetBuster , it’s all over MN. I think I did eventually show some fairly mild irritation when the fourth or fifth trilled at me to ‘parent him’ or ‘why don’t you just drop and go’ or the dumbfounded ‘wow’ at the thought that not every party suits every child, but I’m not habitually snide (any more than I am ‘anxious’ .)

I think people were just surprised at your concern as lots of us would not have given it a second thought.

Maybe not habitually snide or anxious but definitely habitually stressed given the amount of times you said it.

But i can't disagree with the people saying "parent him"... you're happier to hide him away instead of actually allowing him be a child which is an awful shame. No stay & play, no drop & go parties...

Are you expected to stay? Relax.

🤦🏼‍♀️

@BudgetBuster if you’re driving past Sainsbury’s and you think ‘I could do with a few things’ and then you see your toddler is fractious and wanting lunch and you think ‘actually it’ll keep’ is that also being habitually stressed, or is it engaging a bit of common sense? I’d say the latter but then I don’t generally keep trying to insult people.

@Mischance while I’m not suggesting you personally are like this the fact that at the other ‘home party’ I attended I was the sole adult trying to supervise a bit makes me think you’re right, most people don’t give it a second thought and if their child is a pain on the arse or spoils things or an event, who cares. I do, though.

Honestly, I think if one child is spoiling things then it is down to the host parent to deal with it. I have certainly had to do that at parties!!

You sound really critical of your son, expecting him to ruin things. Or is there something you left out, such as additional needs? If he’s got ADHD for example, I’m sure the parents would understand if you drop them a message saying you’d like to stay and supervise due to his needs.
Generally speaking though, it’s not the norm for parents to consider everyday situations such as parties, with a catastrophising mindset and talk themselves out of doing them because of what ifs.

Not at all. I love him dearly and I think he’s a great kid (as I guess we all do about our own.) He’s filled with energy and zest for life and yet he does have a very gentle side with animals and younger children. He can tell you the planets in order from the sun, knows the meaning of dimorphic and diurnal, can tell you what an apex predator is and knows oct is eight and dec is ten. And is cheerfully clueless about the months of the year 😂

But I also acknowledge that the zest and enthusiasm for life tips over into being boisterous and sometimes downright manic on the right circumstances. Really it just comes down to not being the right place to leave him unsupervised. Village hall / soft play he’d most probably be OK but most people’s houses aren’t that big. It really isn’t that contentious a point to make. Some children can be left age 2 and some, well, they might be ready at 22. (Joke …)

@BudgetBuster if you’re driving past Sainsbury’s and you think ‘I could do with a few things’ and then you see your toddler is fractious and wanting lunch and you think ‘actually it’ll keep’ is that also being habitually stressed, or is it engaging a bit of common sense? I’d say the latter but then I don’t generally keep trying to insult people.

Well that's a ridiculous example because going to Sainsbury's for a few bits isn't a childhood memory or a developmental milestone. You have specifically said that yiu didn't take him to stay & plays when he was younger because having to parent him was stressful for you.... and that you won't bring him to a drop&go house parry at 5 because it will be stressful for you wondering if he's damaging things because he's hyper (which is completely normal for 5yr old boys at a party).

I'm not trying to insult anyone 😂 I just feel really really sorry for the sheltered life your kid will live because of your "not stressed" but very stressed attitude to him being an ACTUAL CHILD

You might not be trying to but I don’t really see what is to be gained by repeatedly returning to the thread to tell me I am anxious because I’ve decided a particular event might be more trouble than it’s worth at this moment in time, and given I’ve made a decision I’d actually appreciate drawing a line there 👍🏻

Children are growing up in poverty, amid tumultuous relationships, suffering all manner of hurt and harm. I would focus your attention on them tbh. Because ‘I feel sorry for your child’ is actually a really low blow.

Honestly I don't see why you bothered with a thread when you're the most perfect mum there is. Next time, don't post in AIBU

I agree it was a different time for discipline. Nowadays you can't say anything to a kids without their parents kicking off 'don't you tell my kids what to do'!! In my day neighbours and any adult would shout at us if we were doing something wrong. It takes a village, but only when the village is doing what they want.

The question was asked; you and others answered, I considered, I thought and decided that on balance it was best to give it a swerve.

Your view is just that, it’s your view. I could just as easily point out that it is completely pointless to keep replying when I have decided on a course of action, but the point to you is to try to make me feel bad, of course.