Not to stop my son coming over when grandson is in bed.

[wildorangetruck]

I have got my daughter and her little boy who is only one back living at home due a change in circumstances.

My son doesn’t live here anymore but he comes and goes as he pleases as he’s still a young 25 and I know I’m very lucky he pops in.

My daughter struggles to get her son to sleep and can be up there ages setting him and so when her brother comes around it usually wakes him up and she gets frustrated. However my son doesn’t seem phased by this as he doesn’t feel it’s his responsibility to be quiet and not wake him up, he doesn’t come until after 8 and little one goes up at 7.
My daughter suggested he doesn’t come around in the evenings after work and only comes at the weekend before she puts him down but he has always pops in after work, not for long but he does wake the baby when he comes.
I don’t know what to say about it, I want my son to feel welcome anytime, he’s autistic and doesn’t mean to be loud but has a loud laugh and voice so it’s not just a case of asking him to tone it down as that’s just how he is and I am very accepting of this and would never want him to feel he couldn’t be himself in the home but I also understand how frustrating it is for our daughter when he walks in cheerily and his voice wakes him up again.

He doesn’t come in every night just once or twice a week and I love to see him. I don’t want to put restrictions on him because he’s likely to feel unwelcome or an inconvenience and that’s not the case as I’ve always said either can come anytime.

AIBU to think it’s just something she will have to deal with while she’s here or am I not being fair?

Maybe - except the OP has confirmed that he has been told and his reaction wasn't that he didn't realise, that he's sorry and will make more effort. His reaction was that as far as he's concerned it's not his problem...

Because strangely enough... that doesn't work for every child. You'll see a few people here (myself included) have explained how some of our kids were such bad sleepers that they could wake at a pin drop and sleep deprivation drives many people to having mental health problems.

My first was a horrific sleeper. Didn't sleep through til he was 2! I went to bed at 7 / 7.30pm every night with him because every 15 minutes I could nap was needed!

My 2nd, sleeps like a dream anywhere and everywhere.

Sounds like a typical ASD response to me. He may not have an awareness of others.

It sounds like op hasnt and wont tell the asd ds no or be quiet.
Which is unhelpful as fhe could have reached a stage of living with others.

Tbh this thraad strikes me as to why there is a long running thread of partners complaining re autistic husbands.

You cant know if someone is capable of doing something if they havent been asked. But also if there is no consequence why would he try to change.

Tbh it may not even be the asd as some men (and women) can just be like this, loud, inconsiderate.
My dad loves having surround sound. My room was above while theres was far away. The thud of the football during matches! I ended up turning it down. (Sneakily obviously).

Have to say too that staying over at peoples houses where the kids dont sleep well (tv noise or open plan etc etc is much more rare for us)

When dc1 (audhd) was 4 and starting school she was staying in my mums office (retired). It was like 11pm before my mum would leave and let dc go to sleep. Unsurprisingly dc had an awful start to school behaviour wise.

I feel for you. There isnt an answer really is there? Doesnt sound like anyone is being inconsiderate or selfish to me.
Suggestions of white noise for baby are a good, that helped with my lightsleepers. itll be a short term thing until baby starts to sleep more soundly, might eventuallyget used to uncles voice. Can you not go to your sons instead midweek or meet out somewhere? Or if baby wakes you cpuld try to settle baby and give your daughter a break ?

I have an autistic son who functions well and works full time. However he is heavy handed and makes considerably more noise than his brother or me. He gets up early and I always hear him way more than when his brother gets up.
He is a considerate young man, kind and generous and we try and get him to be a little quieter. He just doesn't realise that he makes more noise.

Also an autistic person who comes home from work after a busy day often needs to destress more than an NT person . I know that it takes a lot of effort for DS to process instructions, prioritise and organise things.
His time after work is very important to him and presumably for your son, his visits to you are all part of that.
I understand the difficulty in getting babies to sleep and your home is currently your daughters too but I do think that she can't dictate who you have visiting to your home.

Yes it certainly sounds like it.

Does your son love his sister? Does he love his niece/nephew? If he does he will surely not want to make her life harder for her and deprive a small child of sleep. Being autistic is not an excuse for being selfish everybody can learn regardless of disability. Sometimes they just need little more help to get there. He of course he should be able to come to your house whenever he likes. But he also needs to be respectful of others and be aware of what an awkward position he’s potentially putting you in.

By wanting to make your son feel welcome, you’re making your daughter and grandson seem like they aren’t welcome and I’m guessing they really need somewhere to live right now. You can ask your son to be considerate and keep it down, having autism doesn’t exempt a person from basic human decency and consideration and I’d have thought he’d want his sister and nephew to be happy and comfortable.

I too can walk upstairs quietly, yet here we have the grandma having to creep upstairs so as not to wake the baby 🤔 And due to being autistic, the son is naturally heavy footed, it’s called proprioception difficulties . But yeh, carry on with your ableist attitude.
while we can creep up to the toilet, he will try not to be loud but he’s naturally just heavy handed

While you think he has not been taught how to be respectful (even though op says he does try to be quiet), by the same token the daughter is equally entitled and disrespectful in her requests that everyone be quiet as a mouse in their own home, and dictating when her brother can visit! Her attitude is far worse than her disabled brother.

Is it bollocks, she’s trying to care for a young baby. The baby should trump the adult sons “needs” He’s still welcome - he just needs to be considerate and it has been explained to him how he can do that but hey … “the baby is not my problem” 🙄

Do you know any autistic people who work and live independently? Have you heard of masking? It seems to me that @wildorangetruck 's son is having to adapt to a new situation and is not finding it easy. This is what life can be like for autistic people and their families.

If you say so, I disagree with you that he can’t show some respect

Whilst I think the DD can’t dictate who visits, I think she is perfectly within her rights to calm and quiet at bed time in the HOUSE SHE IS CURRENTLY CALLING HOME

Doesn't mean he can't be considerate and lower his "loud" laugh if he comes in the evening when the baby goes to bed. When he had a child with a partner is he going to play the "I can't stop being loud" acrs and keep waking his baby up while his wife or partner works hard to get the baby to bed?

Why are people saying DD is “dictating”. She’s not. Shes suggested because she’s sick and tired of her brother, who doesn’t give a shiny shit about her discomfort or that of her baby because it isn’t his responsibility, causing additional stress and exhaustion due to his unwillingness to keep the volume down and is trying to find an answer.

She’s not moved in with her mum for fun and something has clearly happened to change her circs to the extent the move was necessary (breakup? job loss?) so unless there’s a huge backstory of her being a feckless waster, her mother having the attitude of “you’re lucky I’m letting you and your child stay here so put up and shut up or get out” that so many people are suggesting would likely irreparably damage their relationship, especially if she’s grown up having to make concessions for her brother because their mum uses “he’s autistic” as a get out of jail free card from actually teaching him the life skills he needs, like consideration for others even when he doesn’t think it’s his job.

Sudden loud sounds are not the same as background noise like vacuuming. We evolved to wake up to loud unexpected sounds, so how people think you can suddenly train a 1yo to sleep through it when most adults couldn’t is beyond me. There’s a reason alarm clocks work and why there are so many threads about annoying neighbour noise.

Op has one child who is a single parent of a baby that doesn’t sleep well, has had something go wrong enough that she’s had to move in with her mum, and who is clearly struggling. She has another child that lives out of the family home, has a job, and is inconsiderate enough to say it isn’t his responsibility to not wake the baby when he’s visiting the place where that baby currently lives and he doesn’t. Rather than giving her DD a bit of grace and compassion during a time of need, she’s prioritising her DS being able to pop over during the week in addition to the weekends because he feels like it. I’d struggle with my mum prioritising my brother’s wants over my needs when I’m having a difficult time tbh.

Nope. You have very, very kindly granted your daughter the enormous favour of living in your home with your grandchild. Of course you MUST NOT be dictated to what you do in your own home, particularly when it is so absolutely normal, standard and completely acceptable as your son visiting.

She'll just have to deal with it. Nobody normal asks people to creep around in their own home after 7pm 😅

You're already playing favourites by allowing her to live with you, don't favouritise her even more at the cost of your relationship with your son.

So, no. You can ask him to keep it down a bit sure, and if he can, great. And if he can't, such is life.

She sounds entitled, super anxious and you CANNOT and MUST not let her start dictating your life to you. Again, particularly as your behaviour and your son's behaviour is so absolutely nothing, normal and uncontroversial

As it's YOUR HOME and not hers, she can always leave if people doing normal, basic, uncontroversial things is too much for her. She'll be in for a very rude shock indeed if she thinks she can impose silence on people anywhere else that's for sure 😄

you so so wrong on so many points.

But she’s not asking for silence, just that loud knobheads with ridiculously loud voice, laugh and stompy feet could show a bit more respect and consideration for her baby who is being unnecessarily disturbed from his much need sleep

Plus, at the moment, it is also the baby and his Mothers home

Nope, I'm 100% correct and your venomous comment abusing strangers and rewriting the narrative means nothing to me.

Even though my factual comment means a huge amount to you :)

HTH.

Wrong.

its daughters home. At home you are entitled to a level of calm and rest. Which her brother is preventing

just so you know we can read without capital letters

Your daughter isn't being unreasonable, your son isn't being unreasonable. You are being unreasonable.
Imagine you're your daughter and you're struggling to get your baby down to sleep. What would you want in this situation?
Your son absolutely can be asked to quieten. You can put a sign on the front door when your daughter takes the baby to bed, reminding him about volume. You can send a text. You can remind him when his volume starts rising. You can try.

I have a ASD son who shouts everything. He adjusts his volume when informed it's too much. I just have to keep reminding him because he doesn't register when it creeps back up.

Has your son always been your favourite child?

its astonishing that neither you or your son can prioritise the needs of a baby over your own.

The son does work and live independently. He pops by, makes a racket wakes the baby and fucks off.

Austism is no excuse for having no respect for your sister and your nephew and getting away with it.

not just getting away with it, being enabled by their mother who favours her son and over mothers him.

So yep, OP, sorry for the abuse from the resident loons.

These are the simple facts which can't be argued with.

You have very, very kindly granted your daughter the enormous favour of living in YOUR home with your grandchild.

So, of course, you MUST NOT be dictated to as to what you do in YOUR own home, particularly when it is so absolutely normal, standard and completely acceptable as your son visiting and not whispering or creeping around.

She'll just have to deal with it. Nobody normal asks people to creep around in their own home after 7pm 😅

You're already playing favourites by allowing her to live with you, don't favouritise her even more at the cost of your relationship with your son.

You can ask him to keep it down a bit sure, and if he can, great. And if he can't, such is life.

She sounds entitled, super anxious and you CANNOT and MUST not let her start dictating your life to you. Again, particularly as your behaviour and your son's behaviour is so absolutely nothing, normal and uncontroversial.

And your updates have made it clear she even expects YOU to creep around in your home own after 7pm!

As it's YOUR HOME and not your daughter's, she can always leave if people doing normal, basic, uncontroversial things is too much for her.

And she'll be in for a very rude shock indeed if she thinks she can impose silence on people anywhere else that's for sure.

Sorry people have been abusing you OP, there are some genuine nutters on this site.