Not to stop my son coming over when grandson is in bed.

[wildorangetruck]

I have got my daughter and her little boy who is only one back living at home due a change in circumstances.

My son doesn’t live here anymore but he comes and goes as he pleases as he’s still a young 25 and I know I’m very lucky he pops in.

My daughter struggles to get her son to sleep and can be up there ages setting him and so when her brother comes around it usually wakes him up and she gets frustrated. However my son doesn’t seem phased by this as he doesn’t feel it’s his responsibility to be quiet and not wake him up, he doesn’t come until after 8 and little one goes up at 7.
My daughter suggested he doesn’t come around in the evenings after work and only comes at the weekend before she puts him down but he has always pops in after work, not for long but he does wake the baby when he comes.
I don’t know what to say about it, I want my son to feel welcome anytime, he’s autistic and doesn’t mean to be loud but has a loud laugh and voice so it’s not just a case of asking him to tone it down as that’s just how he is and I am very accepting of this and would never want him to feel he couldn’t be himself in the home but I also understand how frustrating it is for our daughter when he walks in cheerily and his voice wakes him up again.

He doesn’t come in every night just once or twice a week and I love to see him. I don’t want to put restrictions on him because he’s likely to feel unwelcome or an inconvenience and that’s not the case as I’ve always said either can come anytime.

AIBU to think it’s just something she will have to deal with while she’s here or am I not being fair?

Maybe - except the OP has confirmed that he has been told and his reaction wasn't that he didn't realise, that he's sorry and will make more effort. His reaction was that as far as he's concerned it's not his problem...

Because strangely enough... that doesn't work for every child. You'll see a few people here (myself included) have explained how some of our kids were such bad sleepers that they could wake at a pin drop and sleep deprivation drives many people to having mental health problems.

My first was a horrific sleeper. Didn't sleep through til he was 2! I went to bed at 7 / 7.30pm every night with him because every 15 minutes I could nap was needed!

My 2nd, sleeps like a dream anywhere and everywhere.

Sounds like a typical ASD response to me. He may not have an awareness of others.

It sounds like op hasnt and wont tell the asd ds no or be quiet.
Which is unhelpful as fhe could have reached a stage of living with others.

Tbh this thraad strikes me as to why there is a long running thread of partners complaining re autistic husbands.

You cant know if someone is capable of doing something if they havent been asked. But also if there is no consequence why would he try to change.

Tbh it may not even be the asd as some men (and women) can just be like this, loud, inconsiderate.
My dad loves having surround sound. My room was above while theres was far away. The thud of the football during matches! I ended up turning it down. (Sneakily obviously).

Have to say too that staying over at peoples houses where the kids dont sleep well (tv noise or open plan etc etc is much more rare for us)

When dc1 (audhd) was 4 and starting school she was staying in my mums office (retired). It was like 11pm before my mum would leave and let dc go to sleep. Unsurprisingly dc had an awful start to school behaviour wise.

I feel for you. There isnt an answer really is there? Doesnt sound like anyone is being inconsiderate or selfish to me.
Suggestions of white noise for baby are a good, that helped with my lightsleepers. itll be a short term thing until baby starts to sleep more soundly, might eventuallyget used to uncles voice. Can you not go to your sons instead midweek or meet out somewhere? Or if baby wakes you cpuld try to settle baby and give your daughter a break ?

I have an autistic son who functions well and works full time. However he is heavy handed and makes considerably more noise than his brother or me. He gets up early and I always hear him way more than when his brother gets up.
He is a considerate young man, kind and generous and we try and get him to be a little quieter. He just doesn't realise that he makes more noise.

Also an autistic person who comes home from work after a busy day often needs to destress more than an NT person . I know that it takes a lot of effort for DS to process instructions, prioritise and organise things.
His time after work is very important to him and presumably for your son, his visits to you are all part of that.
I understand the difficulty in getting babies to sleep and your home is currently your daughters too but I do think that she can't dictate who you have visiting to your home.