In despair. Husband is taking ages to find a role

[saminamama]

a month ago today DH was told he may be made ‘redundant’, he was essentially sacked with a months notice and he signed a settlement agreement with enough money to keep us afloat for 2 months, after the end of this month.

It took him 2 weeks from finding out he was being made redundant to apply for his first role. Since then he hasn’t secured any interviews, and he’s had lots of ‘chats’ with so and so, but nothing material has happened.

I feel like he is way to slow when applying for jobs, and it’s not going quick enough and by now he should have a few interviews.

Posting as I’m really looking for a consensus as to if what I am feeling is valid, as I feel like I’m at the end of my tether. I darent ask him a question or distract him from anything as he takes so long to do.. anything.

im worried about our mortgage, I work but my salary only just covers the mortgage,

really lost and feeling resentful as it feels like he’s not pushing hard enough,

he’s a great dad and a loving husband most of the time.

looking for positive stories and advice as to how I get through this time.

im feeling so worried it’s affecting my sleep and I’ve been avoiding some of my friends, I don’t often feel in the mood to be around others who are sorted and settled when we are in this boat.

im carrying all the housework and childcare drop offs and pick ups so he has no excuse for not sitting and applying for roles, but feels quite futile to be honest, doing all the washing and cleaning.
if he is so slow and easily distracted/harassed and can’t cope no wonder he was sacked, awful thing to say but I’m wondering if it’s true

I'm not surprised.

It's so disappointing.

The constant rejection is really bad for your mental health. It's also not necessarily a reflection on him, just a case of someone being better suited. Doesn't help though.

We're (well DH, though I'm really invested as well) are waiting on a formal offer letter after being given an informal offer on Friday. I don't understand what is taking so long!

Do you know a lot of people on the lookout for someone to give their ironing to? Not saying no one does ironing for cash but don’t think it’s an easy solution.

Yes and you’ve only got to find nine people that will give you four baskets of washing at £25 ago and then drive to it. Collect it. deliver it back and actually do the iron in and suddenly you can pay half the mortgage 🙈
I don’t know why anybody has a properly paying career any more when they’re such lucrative options available to them

If you don't have much money then you have to be frugal

@saminamama is he in a role where he could do some consulting work (self employed) or agency work? I don’t know many people that can’t?

when my partner was made redundant in his late 50s he did various types of consulting work and agency work - he’s an engineer by background and did some engineering work and also was asked to retrain as a teacher (whilst in a paid position and they covered cost) and now does assessing of students and external verifying of companies apprenticeships etc.

Think outside the box. Is a 9-5 the only way he can use his skills?

He has been trying to get someone to pay him to do literally anything and he isn’t even able to do this

he had another no today for some self employed work; last week they were really really keen, he said that he needs some work anything to get our codes for childcare…..
I think this put them off to be honest.

He’s getting more stressed and snappy and short tempered

he is on second stage for one role, first stage for another, and will soon hopefully be called for an interview for a further one. It’s getting exhausting now

Not a lot of help, but childcare is quite forgiving. It's based on quarterly income on the questions, but as long as you expect to earn above the total annual threshold, you can still get it. It's only July, so assuming he gets a full time decently paid job by say, December he can still hit the income for the year so you should get entitlement to it for the next few months regardless. Hopefully that makes sense, if not it's worth speaking to them. We were in a similar situation a couple of years ago and they were really helpful when I spoke to them.

Thank you, who do I try to call to speak to them?

There's a phone number on the tax free childcare website. Ours was slightly different circumstances as it wasn't redundancy but it's definitely annual expected income not monthly guaranteed income if income fluctuates. Anything earned after March will count, no idea if redundancy pay counts but fingers crossed for you

Thanks so much I’ll call them tomorrow

Hopefully that makes sense, if not it's worth speaking to them. We were in a similar situation a couple of years ago and they were really helpful when I spoke to them.

Surely this is something the unemployed partner should do, not the working partner.

@saminamama are you able to increase your hours of working, and your DH take over most of the housework & childcare?

I really hope he finds something soon, this sounds so hard for both of you 💐

What line of work is your husband in? Is it skilled, qualifications needed etc or more flexible? How flexible is he prepared to consider? Could he get some hours in retail for instance? Delivery work? Anything he can get, he can still work around with job seeking/interviews but at least its something and you never know where it leads.
I did offer free job seeking support and advice but no response which I would have thought might have helped.....

Still no job offer. This has been a hard chapter in our life for 4 months now,
he had a really successful final stage interview last week and one of the directors interviewing him said it’s one of the best interviews they have ever had, but they are interviewing a few others and apparently we should find out this coming week. I can’t help but think if they wanted to hire him he’d have had an offer already and they would have cancelled the other candidates. I know that seems bonkers but I’m feeling doubtful (though I’m not letting it show to my husband)

also aside from this he has 2 more first stage interviews this month although he isn’t confident of getting either due to location (territory) reasons

the other side to this is what it’s doing to us.

he’s been so short tempered and unhappy that it’s becoming really hard to be with him. I’m doing my best but I can’t have swearing (not at me or anyone but at frustration in DIY) in front of our DC. he’s honestly really hard work and part of me hates him, as he’s been so funny about minor things, all the time

I dreamt I left him last night and my family were all glad and said I’d done the right thing

I’m sorry but your marriage doesn’t seem to be very strong if only 4 months of job search are leading to thoughts like this. You haven’t even experienced real hardship yet.

It’s also a strangely demanding attitude for someone who doesn’t really contribute financially and doesn’t know what it takes to get a high earning role and to interview in a current climate.

he’s probably feeling that in reality you are not supportive of him (despite appearances) which is probably making him even more stressed.

Respectfully you don’t know us so your comment is rude and overstepping
I’m back working and covering the mortgage with my salary.

@saminamama i get it’s hard, but if you’re now working full time and the mortgage is paid, surely the strsss of the situation is significantly lower?

i recall something in the early posts about youur
household taking home about 7k and husband 4k. So even with your 2k mortgage you have a grand left for bills.

you should be utterly relieved. It sounds like he’s really trying to get a jobs - interviews are not fun processes. If he was sat on his arse playing PlayStation and hadn’t written a CV by this point I would understand your frustration far far more.

I also get that he’s snappy and that’s hard. Have you thought about his mental health and the impact the lack of job is having on him? If it’s not his usual character, he is clearly finding it hard to cope emotionally which is showing in his behaviour. Sounds like he’s needs building back up - not only made redundant but rejected and rejected after so many interviews. Horrible feeling.

work as a team. Not against each other. Your mortgage is covered. Your house is secure. Your children are healthy. You are both healthy. Put things in perspective so that you can work through this together.

ps saying this with a husband out of work for 1 year but being medically unwell and unable to work myself. His mental health has suffered hugely. I don’t think I’ve felt resentment towards him, only worry. And worry about HIM , not £

doea your husband shoot the C word at the top of his lungs while trying to do a task and unable go do it in front of your 3 year old? Does he make fists and grit his teeth and shout at least once a week telling you to go f yourself or similar awful thing to say?
Does he sulk and shout at you in front of strangers af the beach because there were steps and he brought the featival trolley and I was meant to be planning the day trip and hadn’t known about the steps so it was a waste of time getting the trolley out of the garage so yelled expletives at me in front of everyone including our children?
does he swear at you because I didn’t listen to somethjng he said in front of his mum dad and sister (washing was done and in the machine and I didn’t listen to him saying this and accidentally popped more socks in the machine I do all the washing normally and so I didn’t think)
does he spend all week hyper fixating on one task in the house so hasn’t booked a train for an interview so now needs to travel and stay overnight to make it cheaper and snapped at me when I questioned this was quite OTT for an interview as he’s going to go and stay in a hostel with random strangers, have to buy breakfast etc it doesn’t add up and if he had looked last week instead of hyper fixating on a DIY task he might not habe to go to all this rig morale
he’s honestly becoming unbearable, I can’t question anything or do anything that isn’t his plan or he melts down
suspected he is autistic

Are you back at work fulltime?

As much as possible I’m not needed full time but have increased until as much as possible

Yikes OP. He’s really going too far. I get he’s stressed, you’re stressed, but being horrible to you about trivial things is so unnecessary.

Once he gets a role I’d say congratulations, well done. Now I didn’t want to kick you while you are down but I don’t want to be married to the man you’ve been the past few months. You’ve been an abusive asshole and if you ever ever shout at me again like you have many many times for tiny little things recently I’m going to tell you to leave. I’m not sure how I feel about us right now, I need a break and to not be tiptoeing around your mood before I can even decide.

It sounds good he is getting interviews, I am sure if you look back in the thread you will see that there were a lot of comments telling you the job market is brutal. He is actually doing really well to be getting interviews and as many as he is! Maybe you need to make sure he is aware of that because I think maybe his anger and your frustration still lies in the surprise at how long it is taking. I can't recall how long he had worked in his previous job for and whether either of you have experienced rejection before. I think in the past there were more opportunities and perhaps he (and you) were overly confident that he would instantly find a job at the level he wants.
If he is ND then this might be extra frustrating.
It isn't ok though for him to take this out on the family, but I do think you both need to be more aware that the job search is long for many people (I am in a group on social media and there are some people who are still searching after a year to find something!!).

My DH would not have spent months looking only for another role in his industry and at his level. He would have done what was needed to get a job, any job, as would I.

My friend’s DH lost his exec job in the spring. While job searching he did exam invigilation in May and June on a low wage and is now doing a driving job. He is not making a full time effort out of job searching. That should be his evening task.

Have you absolutely bollocked him after these incidents of swearing and raging in front of your DC? If not, he should be grateful he’s not married to me because I would have. He does not have the luxury of focusing on trying to get back to the role he was at. He needs to get a job.

@saminamama I can’t help but think if they wanted to hire him he’d have had an offer already and they would have cancelled the other candidates.

I've never heard of such a thing happening.