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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH is insane to suggest this

585 replies

onion88 · 16/11/2024 08:31

My husband blind sided me with this yesterday. Aibu to think he's insane?

My husband and his ex-gf share two children. They have been separated for 10 years (kids are early teens).

We have been together for 6 years and share a child who is 3.

Husbands ex has been in a relationship for the last 6/7 years. Unfortunately this has just ended.

I need to add that they have not always gotten along, DH and ex. There were some really awful times, abusive messages, difficulties agreeing to contact schedules, being awful about me etc... I rarely say more than the odd hello to her.

Right now, they co parent pretty well and it's relatively calm because DSC can mainly contact us/ their mum by themselves now so not much need for contact but it's by no means been an easy or stress free road. I am glad that we mainly need to have nothing to do with her anymore.

Anyway, due to her relationship ending, ex has said to DH that she'll be keeping the children all of Christmas day as she'll be by herself otherwise. Usually they split the day so one has morning, one has them for dinner and changes each year. It was DHs turn for Christmas dinner this year so he's understandably gutted. She has a habit of thinking decisions are hers to solely make and just informing him of what's happening. He doesn't fight her enough imo on this. They share custody completely equally.

DH has now been saying how Christmas will be rubbish now, won't even feel like Christmas, cant even be bothered with it now blah blah blah. Which I've told him is ridiculous seen as we also have a child so he needs to get a grip for their sake at least!

But anyway, he's just blind sided me yesterday saying that he's going to suggest to his ex that either she comes here for Christmas dinner with DSC (my family usually comes so that will be nice and awkward) or alternatively he wants to take our child to her house to see DSC in the afternoon on Christmas day, leaving me at home without our child on Christmas day.

I don't want either of those and think he's utterly insane for suggesting them. If he wants to see DSC on Christmas he needs to tell ex that her being alone on Xmas day isn't his problem and he wants DSC as previously arranged not expect all of us to adjust our day and me to be without our child to appease her. Imo if he doesn't want to argue with her on it, he should just accept seeing DSC on boxing day instead this year.

Aibu to argue this and say no? If he really wants to drop in to see DSC and can't just wait until boxing day then he can but I don't want our child going or her coming here.

OP posts:
Notsuchafattynow · 16/11/2024 08:33

Don't blame you.

Can you suggest some alternatives that are a better compromise. You get them boxing day instead? Take them out for tea Xmas Eve?

Cityandmakeup · 16/11/2024 08:34

I think id be more sad that he doesn’t see you as part of the family if his Xmas is ruined because of that

Slugg · 16/11/2024 08:36

What do the DSC want to do?

Unilaterally inviting her to yours is unfair on you if you’re not comfortable.

It’s understandable that DH is gutted though. I think I’d try to find something that works for you all without a fight. Maybe have your family Christmas on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day.

MagentaRavioli · 16/11/2024 08:37

Tbh if the adults can be civil to each other it could be a good way to spend Christmas and fun for the kids. But it completely depends on the family dynamic. Some blended family get togethers can be a blast

LemonSqueezy0 · 16/11/2024 08:37

Give him a bit of grace as he's obviously upset but once he's settled down have a chat and explain how you feel and what the various options look like.

Original poster
onion88 · 16/11/2024 08:38

I said this to him, I understand being upset you aren't seeing all your children on christmas day. To be fair I can't imagine not seeing DD on Christmas.

But he does have another child who'll be here and I feel quite pissed off for her sake that DHs Christmas is rubbish and ruined now because SC won't be here, no consideration of the fact that she will be.

OP posts:
BarbaraHoward · 16/11/2024 08:39

Suggesting the ex comes to you for the full day is too high pressure.

But him going around with your shared DC for an hour or two is a perfectly sensible suggestion. It means all children get to see their parents on the day.

I'm sure you'll be fine for an hour or two by yourself, or he can go while your family is there.

LottieMary · 16/11/2024 08:39

What do all th e children want?

Original poster
onion88 · 16/11/2024 08:40

I have also said he is welcome to go to her and see SC if that's what he wants to do (not all day obviously) but I don't want DD going and me just being left at home.

I don't really see why we should have to completely adjust our day because his exes relationship has ended. If he wants DSC still then he should tell her that, not expect us to work around her demands.

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 16/11/2024 08:40

So let him take your shared child to see their siblings on Xmas day, I can’t see the problem. They wont be gone all day.

Original poster
onion88 · 16/11/2024 08:40

BarbaraHoward · 16/11/2024 08:39

Suggesting the ex comes to you for the full day is too high pressure.

But him going around with your shared DC for an hour or two is a perfectly sensible suggestion. It means all children get to see their parents on the day.

I'm sure you'll be fine for an hour or two by yourself, or he can go while your family is there.

If I'm okay by myself then surely so is his ex?

OP posts:
BarbaraHoward · 16/11/2024 08:41

Would your DD enjoy seeing her siblings?

If you have more than one DC wouldn't you like having them together for a bit on Christmas?

Catza · 16/11/2024 08:41

Don't see what's wrong with him popping over there on Christmas afternoon. Doesn't sound as though he is planning to spend the whole day there. I don't see why he needs to take your child as well, though.

Marblesbackagain · 16/11/2024 08:41

He is being unreasonable but understandably so.

He needs to firstly understand how his comments were hurtful. Yes he was upset and his reaction was appropriate. His dismissal of his child not acceptable.

If he can't negotiate the DSC for after dinner or a visit then he is going to have to deal with it. Without hurting your feelings that isn't fair.

maydaymayday1 · 16/11/2024 08:41

But you would be by yourself for an hour or two max.

Maybe be the bigger person it will pay off long term and it's better for the kids.

Original poster
onion88 · 16/11/2024 08:43

LottieMary · 16/11/2024 08:39

What do all th e children want?

I honestly think DSC wouldn't be too bothered. More likely to be bothered that they will have to wait until the next day to get their presents from us than anything else. Imo, it's always been a bit stressful for DSC changing on the actual day rather than one has full Xmas day, one has boxing day and swapping but it's obviously not up to me.

Our child is more likely to be upset at having to leave home than wanting to go with DH.

OP posts:
BarbaraHoward · 16/11/2024 08:43

onion88 · 16/11/2024 08:40

If I'm okay by myself then surely so is his ex?

Show quote history

You'll be by yourself for an hour or two while your (presumably) loving DH takes DC out for a bit.

She'll be alone all afternoon, evening and night while struggling with a break up. It's not her children's job to fix that, but it's not the same as you being by yourself for a little bit.

I doubt she'll want to come and see her ex playing happy families anyway so I don't think dinner is a good idea.

Notsuchafattynow · 16/11/2024 08:43

Also, it pays to be the bigger person here.

If SC are teens, it won't be long before they can choose how to spend those 3 days.

cannynotsay · 16/11/2024 08:44

Woah he's not thinking about your child here at all who'll want to be with their mummmy!!

It's clearly grasping at straws and it's not thinking. Have a proper conversation with him today

Dragonsandcats · 16/11/2024 08:44

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable- and I think it’s understandable that you’re upset that he’s made you feel like your dc is lesser. No way would i let my dc go to a ex’s house and leave me home alone. DH could go if he wanted. There is a difference between being on your own for an hour compared with all day though.

Original poster
onion88 · 16/11/2024 08:45

Catza · 16/11/2024 08:41

Don't see what's wrong with him popping over there on Christmas afternoon. Doesn't sound as though he is planning to spend the whole day there. I don't see why he needs to take your child as well, though.

Have absolutely no issue with him going, I just don't want him to take DD. She's more likely to want to stay here with her toys anyway. Obviously she loves DSC but she's 3 and they are teenagers, she's not going to want to go to someone's house she's barely met before to watch teen DSC open presents when she could be at home.

OP posts:
HaPPy8 · 16/11/2024 08:46

I think he trying to do his best. Him popping there for a bit with your child would probably be my first choice but I’d make either work.

WhyNotUsehis · 16/11/2024 08:46

So you're okay with him not seeing his DC on Christmas Day, but you object to missing a couple of hours with your joint DC while they go with their father to see their siblings?

HaPPy8 · 16/11/2024 08:46

Cant you go there too for an hour or so?

Gonk123 · 16/11/2024 08:47

I wouldn’t want my only child going to see my DH ex on Christmas Day…spending time with her is just wrong. She is your child for you to enjoy on Christmas Day. You are absolutely not being unreasonable and anyone suggesting you should accept this needs to seriously think about whether they would be happy with this - it’s easy when it isn’t you to say stuff like this.
also…they are teenagers now…it’s not like when they are young and it is a magical time. I think he is being extremely dramatic! Just have Christmas Day on Boxing Day instead!