To think DH is insane to suggest this

[onion88]

My husband blind sided me with this yesterday. Aibu to think he's insane?

My husband and his ex-gf share two children. They have been separated for 10 years (kids are early teens).

We have been together for 6 years and share a child who is 3.

Husbands ex has been in a relationship for the last 6/7 years. Unfortunately this has just ended.

I need to add that they have not always gotten along, DH and ex. There were some really awful times, abusive messages, difficulties agreeing to contact schedules, being awful about me etc... I rarely say more than the odd hello to her.

Right now, they co parent pretty well and it's relatively calm because DSC can mainly contact us/ their mum by themselves now so not much need for contact but it's by no means been an easy or stress free road. I am glad that we mainly need to have nothing to do with her anymore.

Anyway, due to her relationship ending, ex has said to DH that she'll be keeping the children all of Christmas day as she'll be by herself otherwise. Usually they split the day so one has morning, one has them for dinner and changes each year. It was DHs turn for Christmas dinner this year so he's understandably gutted. She has a habit of thinking decisions are hers to solely make and just informing him of what's happening. He doesn't fight her enough imo on this. They share custody completely equally.

DH has now been saying how Christmas will be rubbish now, won't even feel like Christmas, cant even be bothered with it now blah blah blah. Which I've told him is ridiculous seen as we also have a child so he needs to get a grip for their sake at least!

But anyway, he's just blind sided me yesterday saying that he's going to suggest to his ex that either she comes here for Christmas dinner with DSC (my family usually comes so that will be nice and awkward) or alternatively he wants to take our child to her house to see DSC in the afternoon on Christmas day, leaving me at home without our child on Christmas day.

I don't want either of those and think he's utterly insane for suggesting them. If he wants to see DSC on Christmas he needs to tell ex that her being alone on Xmas day isn't his problem and he wants DSC as previously arranged not expect all of us to adjust our day and me to be without our child to appease her. Imo if he doesn't want to argue with her on it, he should just accept seeing DSC on boxing day instead this year.

Aibu to argue this and say no? If he really wants to drop in to see DSC and can't just wait until boxing day then he can but I don't want our child going or her coming here.

alternatively he wants to take our child to her house to see DSC in the afternoon on Christmas day,

This sounds like a reasonable compromise for all involved. Not sure why it is regarded as being such a crazy suggestion. It will only be part of the day, and perhaps your family will still be in the house.

It is always a bit complicated, making sure everyone gets time with all the people that matter to them at Christmas, and it's good if your three shared children have time togeher on the day.

I don't see the issue with him going to see his children for a few hours and taking your child. You'd only be alone for a couple of hours, it's no big deal.

My ex and I share one DD, we have no partners though. And my DD and I will spend Christmas lunch with my parents. Then we will drive over to my exP and spend Christmas late afternoon/evening with him and his parents.

This should really be about what the children want here.

You're the adults, and it's just one day out of the year.

Being amicable is far less exhausting than not liking one another. Life is too short. Be the bigger person here and allow both your current DH to see his children whilst also ensuring the ex can spend time with them also.

So his ex can't be on her own but you can? Charming. Easy to see where hso loyalties still lie then?
What if she is single for years and years?
She is a grown up ffs not a dc..
Keep to the usual arrangements of dh can fuck off there and stay there.

Sounds like it will be all afternoon. So @onion88 will be just as much on her own as the ex would have been.
I'd be pushing to stick with either the usual agreement or swap it round so she has them for dinner this year ( ie same as last year)

This is probably sensible advice.
Why do people get so obsessed about Christmas day as a day? There's plenty of options for him to see his DC around the Xmas period without it needing to be Xmas day itself. They are teens so it's not like hed be missing Father Christmas moments.
I'd suggest he let's her have the Xmas day and he gets them on Boxing day. And make sure he gets credit for being generous here for her so can cash in a favour another time

I think if he wants to see DSC he should tell his ex that he wants them to come here as was originally the plan. I would bet my house that she would not allow him to have them all day if we split.

And at the end of the day, I'm not separated from my child's parent, so the situation is obviously different.

I just don't see why everyone else has to mess around for her sake. She would not do the same in reverse.

I think it would be really kind of you to invite her and the kids if you all get along OK.
I've spent the odd Christmas at my DHs family where there have been a mix of ex partners and blended family and I thought it was amazing.

It was so different to my family where there is a lot of bitterness and animosity in split up people.

So no I don't think your DH is insane for either of his suggestions. But I can imagine that it's not easy for you either.

What would be nicest for the kids? And do you think the adults can manage to do that?

If I'm okay by myself then surely so is his ex?

His solution parcels out the day so that neither of you are without your child/children for the whole day. Surely that's fair

@onion88 I dont understand why he hasnt put his foot down and said no to her changes!!!! he should be having the children at the usual time for christmas, be it before dinner or after dinner. as for saying the christmas will be shit now, that is awful when he has another child at home! I certainly would not be allowing him to take your child to her house either! the ex is being totally unreasonable.

I think you are being unreasonable here.

He should be able to take your DD for a couple of hours.

I would love a couple of hours to myself on Christmas Day!

If your DD and her siblings get on I think his suggestion he takes her to see them for an hour or so is a reasonable compromise.
I'd quite like an hour on my own on Christmas Day, put my feet up and watch what I want for a change.

As mentioned, it's not him going I have a problem with. I don't want him to take our child with him.

I can totally see your point - its not even that you might not be ok for a few hours alone - its the principle that in his eyes ex comes first and your feelings second.
It would be perfectly acceptable to suggest I want the kids for a few hours in the afternoon even if its not Xmas Dinner but I'm with you - the arrangements have always been a split Xmas day - can't see ex offering up the kids all day if you and dh split next year! This is a DH problem and he needs to see that if he puts ex first then it will probably be his last Xmas married to you.

I'd have no problem with him popping around, but not with the little one. How would he feel about picking them up around 6 p.m. on Christmas Day, if allowed, sleeping over, and then having another Christmas Day on Boxing Day?

I can see his upset and I can absolutely understand yours too.

Why do people think it's reasonable for the OP to be separated from her child for a few hours so that the ex doesn't have to be separated from hers?

Or if it's totally fine to be alone for a "few hours" then he can go and get DSC and bring them here for a few hours and then take them back.

his lack of apparent spine would drive me bonkers to be fair.

The day is normally split anyway, and this year the ex would have them in the morning and him in the afternoon. Because she's now single she wants them ALL day and changed the rules.

Not really, as with this solution the ex isn't without her children at all on Christmas Day, whereas OP is because her child gets taken out for the afternoon away from their new presents. It's a worse deal for OP and the youngest child.

Tell him he can go but the youngest stays with you. Can't see her wanting to go or her siblings being bothered - they'll see her the next day. Agree with making Boxing Day the big event with them. It might be better to move away from the swapping on Christmas Day itself anyway as you say.

Honestly I couldn’t be bothered with the utter drama of step/blended families it just sounds so awkward and unpleasant for all concerned.

That would be the case with the normal arrangement too.

onion88, you can't project your state of mind onto someone else.Be the bigger person here and let husband and child pop round. Get pissed on Buck's Fizz and you won't care. Make sure she doesn't make any more demands though and make your husband be aware of this. You will only get more stressed and hurt and Xmas will be ruined for you. Your husband will think you're wonderful. You can let rip after Xmas if you're still feeling resentful.x

Put your foot down and tell him that your DD will be going nowhere on Christmas Day. How unsettling for her anyway to go to a strangers house on Christmas Day. She will want to be at home home playing with her new toys etc anyway. It’s a ridiculous idea. I would be fuming.

The set up of a shared day was bound to fail at some point. Better to have just done alternate years.

Anyway, this is a man who loves his children and whilst his suggestions aren't great foe you it looks like he's clutching at straws at trying to see his children on Christmas Day.

My suggestion would be, why can't he go and spend a morning at his ex's house to see his children and then come back home for the rest of the day.

That way he sees you and your child first thing to open presents with your child and then he sees his other children.