To think DH is insane to suggest this

[onion88]

My husband blind sided me with this yesterday. Aibu to think he's insane?

My husband and his ex-gf share two children. They have been separated for 10 years (kids are early teens).

We have been together for 6 years and share a child who is 3.

Husbands ex has been in a relationship for the last 6/7 years. Unfortunately this has just ended.

I need to add that they have not always gotten along, DH and ex. There were some really awful times, abusive messages, difficulties agreeing to contact schedules, being awful about me etc... I rarely say more than the odd hello to her.

Right now, they co parent pretty well and it's relatively calm because DSC can mainly contact us/ their mum by themselves now so not much need for contact but it's by no means been an easy or stress free road. I am glad that we mainly need to have nothing to do with her anymore.

Anyway, due to her relationship ending, ex has said to DH that she'll be keeping the children all of Christmas day as she'll be by herself otherwise. Usually they split the day so one has morning, one has them for dinner and changes each year. It was DHs turn for Christmas dinner this year so he's understandably gutted. She has a habit of thinking decisions are hers to solely make and just informing him of what's happening. He doesn't fight her enough imo on this. They share custody completely equally.

DH has now been saying how Christmas will be rubbish now, won't even feel like Christmas, cant even be bothered with it now blah blah blah. Which I've told him is ridiculous seen as we also have a child so he needs to get a grip for their sake at least!

But anyway, he's just blind sided me yesterday saying that he's going to suggest to his ex that either she comes here for Christmas dinner with DSC (my family usually comes so that will be nice and awkward) or alternatively he wants to take our child to her house to see DSC in the afternoon on Christmas day, leaving me at home without our child on Christmas day.

I don't want either of those and think he's utterly insane for suggesting them. If he wants to see DSC on Christmas he needs to tell ex that her being alone on Xmas day isn't his problem and he wants DSC as previously arranged not expect all of us to adjust our day and me to be without our child to appease her. Imo if he doesn't want to argue with her on it, he should just accept seeing DSC on boxing day instead this year.

Aibu to argue this and say no? If he really wants to drop in to see DSC and can't just wait until boxing day then he can but I don't want our child going or her coming here.

The idea that her break up is suddenly yours or your DD’s problem 🙄

He’s being completely ridiculous, as are the posters suggesting your Christmas is compromised to pander to his bullshit. He had no business having another child if he’s going to continue to prioritise his ex over them and his wife. No to him taking DD, no to his inviting her over.

I think it sounds best that he visits them for a few hours, and it's fair enough he doesn't take your DD with him. I don't agree he should 'grow a backbone' though and it's a shitty attitude towards your partner, coparenting successfully is HARD and it's not as simple as just fight it out, that doesn't help his kids does it. It'd also ruin the ok relationship they (he and his ex) have now. It just makes Christmas even more of a battleground, it's up to him how he handles his ex. You are right to stand up to him too and say he can visit but not take DD, but he's just trying to see his kids at Christmas and do the right thing by them without starting a war, it's not like he's set out to piss you off.

I believe you're not being unreasonable at all.

So, because his ex's relationship has broken down the children's, yours and your husband's plan have to change! WTF. She sounds very manipulative.

If anything he should go and collect the children and bring them back to his home with his family, not take them around to his ex's. Does his ex not have any family at all? Or alternatively, have your blended family Xmas day another day (ex not included....) your husband could be the bigger man and actually make it extra special for all his children and not pander to his ex's demands.

I'd make my position very clear as his partner, i'd also not be wanting my partner spending Xmas day with his ex with your shared child, how odd.

I would be absolutely fuming.

This. Telling his ex ‘it’s not his problem’ is rude and antagonistic so I understand why he doesn’t want to do this. I get you not wanting them with you, surely if he takes your child over for an hour you can have an hours peace with your family who it sounds like will be there too? That seems a fine solution to me.

@LoneStar7 react angrily at the person changing arrangements or yourself for agreeing to it , not the one person that has absolutely no choice or control over what the SC do on the day.

Just do Christmas on Christmas Eve, have a big dinner and open present in the evening - go in the daytime to something really special - ice skating or something the children really like and all open present at 5pm and have a roast dinner.

The Christmas Day have the left overs like boxing day

Take the children home around 8pm so they are with their mum Christmas day

Its just thinking in a different mindset and starting Christmas earlier like they do in other countries in Europe

Completely agree

Seems like a solution where the ex gets what she wants.

Why can’t you go too?

Ok so they are teenagers for who the magical notions of Christmas have faded right?

so do it Christmas Eve or Boxind Day better for them then spending some of the day travelling anyway

but also say you are staying at home with your DD and her stuff because making her travel and miss out on home stuff isn’t on

She doesn’t want to.

I'd go for inviting them all for Christmas lunch, especially as my own family would be there too. She'll probably decline anyway, but you've shown willing. And if she does come, it will be time-limited and doesn't need to be awkward - could be quite the party atmosphere. If she causes an atmosphere it will be her who loks bad.

This goes both ways though doesn’t it. If your happy with the ex being on her own at Christmas then why wouldn’t you want to be on your own?
But you don’t want that because you know it would suck. A compromise where the adults can be civil for a couple of hours for the sake of the kids is the least objectionable in my opinion.

This is sensible. Just have a couple of hours to chill on your own while they are out.👍

Let him take your child over in the afternoon for a little visit. Sounds like a nice chance for a break for you maybe? I can't see a big problem with that at all. Remember the ex is probably not in a good place right now.

Her relationship ended. Her problem. The arrangements for the DSC shouldn't change because of that.

Seems like a solution where the ex gets what she wants.

see it would see it as a compromise. And a dare say if you are in a ‘blended’ family a level of compromise is needed. I get it if the SC mum is a nightmare all the time but if the friction and difficulty has been both ways, which is more often is, I would try and be accommodating. Keep the visit short, use the time for yourself or to prep for your family coming.

I think if the kids are teens they can vote with their feet surely? Ask them if they want the usual split or would rather spend the full day with mum and see you Boxing Day.

chances are they find changing places mid day disruptive and would probably prefer to stay in one place.

Why does the place the ex is in have to negatively affect OP’s Christmas Day? She’s out of order to change the plans one-sidedly

This is the most sensible solution.
Your DH also owes you an apology

Did you miss this part of the OP?

I need to add that they have not always gotten along, DH and ex. There were some really awful times, abusive messages, difficulties agreeing to contact schedules, being awful about me etc... I rarely say more than the odd hello to her.

Makes you wonder who are the adults and who are the children here.
Christmas goes on as normal. Ex thinks she’ll be sad because she’ll be alone half the day? Tough. You suck it up and smile for the kids sake.
Been there , done that for several Christmasses. She puts her feet up, watches a movie.
Don’t try to make it artificially cheerful shoving you all together or what is really weird taking your 3 year old to ex’s house.
Time your HH and his ex grew up.

Completely agree.
I find it worrying that a parent would be using their own children as an emotional crutch because their relationship has broken down. Especially when they seemingly agreed to the ‘sharing’ of the children previously.
I would expect my partner to protect his kids by making sure their mother’s relationship status has no effect on them.

Personally I’d be really impressed your husband is kind with high EQ.

I’d plan to do something for for those 2 hours in the afternoon while he goes to her house. Have a bath, watch a film, have a nap! Do some nice cooking. Anything, read a book.

I think you are wanting to be stubborn for all the wrong reasons

What is the ex compromising?