To think DH is insane to suggest this

[onion88]

My husband blind sided me with this yesterday. Aibu to think he's insane?

My husband and his ex-gf share two children. They have been separated for 10 years (kids are early teens).

We have been together for 6 years and share a child who is 3.

Husbands ex has been in a relationship for the last 6/7 years. Unfortunately this has just ended.

I need to add that they have not always gotten along, DH and ex. There were some really awful times, abusive messages, difficulties agreeing to contact schedules, being awful about me etc... I rarely say more than the odd hello to her.

Right now, they co parent pretty well and it's relatively calm because DSC can mainly contact us/ their mum by themselves now so not much need for contact but it's by no means been an easy or stress free road. I am glad that we mainly need to have nothing to do with her anymore.

Anyway, due to her relationship ending, ex has said to DH that she'll be keeping the children all of Christmas day as she'll be by herself otherwise. Usually they split the day so one has morning, one has them for dinner and changes each year. It was DHs turn for Christmas dinner this year so he's understandably gutted. She has a habit of thinking decisions are hers to solely make and just informing him of what's happening. He doesn't fight her enough imo on this. They share custody completely equally.

DH has now been saying how Christmas will be rubbish now, won't even feel like Christmas, cant even be bothered with it now blah blah blah. Which I've told him is ridiculous seen as we also have a child so he needs to get a grip for their sake at least!

But anyway, he's just blind sided me yesterday saying that he's going to suggest to his ex that either she comes here for Christmas dinner with DSC (my family usually comes so that will be nice and awkward) or alternatively he wants to take our child to her house to see DSC in the afternoon on Christmas day, leaving me at home without our child on Christmas day.

I don't want either of those and think he's utterly insane for suggesting them. If he wants to see DSC on Christmas he needs to tell ex that her being alone on Xmas day isn't his problem and he wants DSC as previously arranged not expect all of us to adjust our day and me to be without our child to appease her. Imo if he doesn't want to argue with her on it, he should just accept seeing DSC on boxing day instead this year.

Aibu to argue this and say no? If he really wants to drop in to see DSC and can't just wait until boxing day then he can but I don't want our child going or her coming here.

Yeah and a lot also wouldn't, especially with such a big age gap between the siblings.

Lets also not forget that this isn't nana and grandads house or a close family members. It's her dads ex, OP has already mentioned shes basically a stranger to DD.

I think him taking DC to see them for a few hours is a pretty good idea tbh. Xmas day can be pretty long, your child will probably be up early and presents will be done by 8am, dinner at 4ish. I think him taking them to see older siblings early afternoon would be good, they will be excited to show their siblings a few of their presents and you can get organised for dinner. Ideal really.

What - see her siblings?

There's a very simple solution!!!

I think you need to approach this strategically and think about how whatever happens this year is going to have a ripple effect down the line.
He's still got care and compassion for his ex, which yes is grating as he's putting her first. He also needs to get his head around how he's made you feel irrelevant and second fiddle.
I do wonder if she's told him that she will stop him from seeing his boys completely if he doesn't let her have them all day.
Whatever, you need to decide if this is a deal breaker for you. If this is really how he sees you, are you willing to put up with always being second best and second thought? I could understand if it was the kids coming first, that's the only time I think it's acceptable to have your partner not your first priority. Only here it seems that he's dividing his children into different priorities too, and his wee un is lower in the pecking order. Essentially, first family comes first scenario.
If it were me, I'd hold my nose and ask her round for Christmas lunch, no matter how much it stung to see my supposedly DP playing happy families with her.
I'd also be having a big think about whether I wanted to be in a relationship with someone who didn't make any effort to understand my feelings over this.

You presumably knew what the set up with his ex was like when you had dd/decided to get married?

Yes.. the set up was that they alternated mid Christmas day. Not that I'd have to spend hours without DD on Christmas day so his ex didn't have to. That was never the set up or the agreement.

I appreciate posters are saying well if it's fine for her it's fine for you. But at the end of day, I am not separated from my child's father. I don't have an agreement to alternate Christmas. I shouldn't have to not see my child, who's father I am still with, on Christmas day so his ex can reneg on their agreed arrangement.

I'm sorry OP, I haven't read the thread, just your original post, but I think it's absolutely ridiculous that your partner's ex thinks childcare arrangements for Christmas would change just because she's single now. Also that your partner is just going along with this, is nuts. If I had a really good relationship with her, I would invite her to call in on Christmas day, but it doesn't sound like that's the case. Does your P always allow her to just make decisions?

Could be! I've often said in the past I don't think alternating mid day is best for them but been shut down.

Why can't you alternate as I suggested, OP?

I’d be happy for him to pop round there with your DD - maybe do presents and family breakfast with DD in morning then he pops round from 10-1 or something while you get yourself sorted for the day? Then he’s back for your family coming over for dinner etc and you’ve got whole day/night with your DD?

@onion88 I didn't mean the set-up regarding Christmas specifically, I meant the fact that he always gives in to his ex/has a difficult relationship with her and she is demanding. That was always going to be an issue. Christmas arrangements are always going to be subject to change as dc get older I think.

I appreciate posters are saying well if it's fine for her it's fine for you. But at the end of day, I am not separated from my child's father.

You're not separated but he had a family before you came along. That means he has other priorities and responsibilities outside you and dd. I think it's naïve to expect your life to be the same as someone whose partner does not have an ex and other dc. Compromise is always going to be necessary but it seems dislike of ex, understandable as it sounds like it is, is getting in the way of seeing that.

I'm sorry - but your behaviour (OP's) would be a red flag for me (if I were DP

I think you’re being a bit OTT. If I’ve understood correctly he’s suggesting taking your DC round to theirs for an hour or two. Honestly, an hour’s quiet time on Christmas Day sounds blissful. He’s not suggesting you should be alone all day, which is what his ex would be facing.

Her coming round to yours- if you all get on then great but it really doesn’t sound like you do so maybe bin this idea.

Not particularly proud of this, but I also wouldn’t be delighted with my husband spending half the day with his recently-heartbroken, lonely ex. Not that I think anything would actually happen, but, their family together on Christmas Day. A few wines, and she’ll be unburdening herself onto him.

A three year old in the mix would knock that on the head, right enough.

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all @onion88!
If there's an arrangement in place that has previously worked for everyone then that's how it should be this year too! It's not your fault, or your DDs fault, or the SCs fault that ex's relationship has broken down and she's now changed the goalposts and expects everyone to play her new game with new rules. No!
What's going to happen on Boxing Day? Or next year if she's still single? It's not your problem!
I can understand that your partner wants to see all of his children on Christmas Day but it's his ex that has put the spanner in the works and so it's down to him to reiterate that it's not fair on you, DD and even himself.
Saying he's going to invite ex to yours on Christmas Day is just bonkers given the history. And saying he'll take DD to a strangers house and leave you alone is bonkers too. She's three. What on earth would a three year old get out of being taken away from her new toys, sitting in a stranger's house and watching teenagers open presents in front of her? Bonkers.
All because a grown adult is now single and doesn't want to be on her own. Again, bonkers!
Sit him down and have a proper conversation and I'd also be telling him how hurtful it was to hear him say that Christmas is now ruined when he has a little one to think of too. Awful.

I think it would be better to start alternating Xmas day and Boxing Day in full. You can still have full Xmas day on Boxing Day with presents left on Christmas Eve along with DD's, DSC just don't open them until Boxing Day. I would also think it's easier for DD to understand than their siblings coming or going part way through Xmas day. I only saw my DF on one Xmas day from 8 years old - bizarrely I can remember absolutely everything about all other access arrangements through the year which were quite complex but cannot for the life of me remember when I went to DF's over Christmas other than that it wasn't on Christmas Day.

Why are so many people all for OP having to spend some of her Xmas day without her child so her husbands ex doesn't have to spend any of her day without her children?

Fucking madness this place.

But not for his wife.

The scenarios are the same.

Normally the teens spend some time with dad and some time with mum. And that's ok because mum has company. Now she doesn't have company she is not prepared to spend ANY time alone. And the teens are being forced into spending all time there.

Everyone is now suggesting that OP should sacrifice time with her very small child and spend time alone on Christmas day because the ex can't/won't be alone.

It's very odd. If one woman should be able to spend a couple of hours on her then so should the other. And I'd be very pissed off at my husband for not being able to see that.

Op I am with you. Of course husband can take a couple of hours out to go and visit his teens if he really needs to. But it is unreasonable to expect you and your child to sacrifice time together to accommodate this.

Life does change for people and his teens are only going to change more from now on. Christmas for him will change too. Its inevitable. He can make new traditions with his teens.

How is that fair? The ex is getting her kids for the entire day while OP is alone for part of it.

@MissUltraViolet I'm not. I've suggested to OP alternating the days and switching every year. So in essence, Boxing Day is "Christmas Day."
But don't think OP likes that idea.
I've spend many a year on Christmas Day on my own because I'm divorced.

People always say this about blended families on MN, because they struggle to accept children wanting to be with their father equally or that spending time with both sides of their family is good for them.

In this case it sounds like your DSCs Mum is needy and expecting her kids to fill a void left by her ex partner which is unfair to them.

Why wouldn't it be?

I think this is a bit naive. Teenagers aren’t interested in spending Christmas with a three year old. They’ll want to lie around on their new gadgets or whatever.

She’s a stepmum. We’re the devils minions 😉 although in my case I’d want my own DD to see her siblings so I’d be happy for DH to take the wee one over for a couple of hours.

This is the way we've done it since we split a few years back, we alternate Christmas day. The boys are with one of us the week leading up to Christmas and Christmas day, and then swap and have boxing day to new year's with the other. It is horrid the Christmas day the boys are away and I miss them terribly, but for us we just celebrate boxing day as if it's Christmas day. Presents, Christmas dinner etc etc. I can't imagine having to swap half way through the day, I think the boys like being able to enjoy their presents. They are also pretty pleased that they get 2 Christmas days!