To think DH is insane to suggest this

[onion88]

My husband blind sided me with this yesterday. Aibu to think he's insane?

My husband and his ex-gf share two children. They have been separated for 10 years (kids are early teens).

We have been together for 6 years and share a child who is 3.

Husbands ex has been in a relationship for the last 6/7 years. Unfortunately this has just ended.

I need to add that they have not always gotten along, DH and ex. There were some really awful times, abusive messages, difficulties agreeing to contact schedules, being awful about me etc... I rarely say more than the odd hello to her.

Right now, they co parent pretty well and it's relatively calm because DSC can mainly contact us/ their mum by themselves now so not much need for contact but it's by no means been an easy or stress free road. I am glad that we mainly need to have nothing to do with her anymore.

Anyway, due to her relationship ending, ex has said to DH that she'll be keeping the children all of Christmas day as she'll be by herself otherwise. Usually they split the day so one has morning, one has them for dinner and changes each year. It was DHs turn for Christmas dinner this year so he's understandably gutted. She has a habit of thinking decisions are hers to solely make and just informing him of what's happening. He doesn't fight her enough imo on this. They share custody completely equally.

DH has now been saying how Christmas will be rubbish now, won't even feel like Christmas, cant even be bothered with it now blah blah blah. Which I've told him is ridiculous seen as we also have a child so he needs to get a grip for their sake at least!

But anyway, he's just blind sided me yesterday saying that he's going to suggest to his ex that either she comes here for Christmas dinner with DSC (my family usually comes so that will be nice and awkward) or alternatively he wants to take our child to her house to see DSC in the afternoon on Christmas day, leaving me at home without our child on Christmas day.

I don't want either of those and think he's utterly insane for suggesting them. If he wants to see DSC on Christmas he needs to tell ex that her being alone on Xmas day isn't his problem and he wants DSC as previously arranged not expect all of us to adjust our day and me to be without our child to appease her. Imo if he doesn't want to argue with her on it, he should just accept seeing DSC on boxing day instead this year.

Aibu to argue this and say no? If he really wants to drop in to see DSC and can't just wait until boxing day then he can but I don't want our child going or her coming here.

I'd have welcomed a couple of hours peace on Christmas Day tbh, but I see OP's point - her DC is nothing to do with ex, so why take DC there.

Is a step brother or sister considered a 'sibling'?

It's not step though.

They share the same Dad.

So yes, they are siblings.

I have three kids; two with ex-husband, one now husband (17, 14 and 4).
We never use the term "half-brother" or "half-sister"; not sure why there would ever be the need to?
One of my very closest friends whom I have known for about 20 years told me only about a year ago that her brother was a "half-sibling"; I had no idea. She feels the same as I do.

My DC & my DSC refer to themselves as Bothers & Sisters and are really close.

I have 2 sisters and we all have different dads. When I was a kid I was bickering with my sister and my mum came in the room and told me to apologise to my sister, I huffed and said "she's not even my real sister, she's my half sister" my mum went ape shit, it was around 2002 and I had trouble sitting down untill around June 2003 😭😭 (kidding but she did realease a can of whoop ass on me)

I never referred to her as a half sister ever again.

I’m writing this as a family court advisor for Cafcass… actually what I’m reading is how positive it is for his children that they can communicate and think about the best plan for the children which so often isn’t possible. I think you just need to negotiate with him and come up with something that works for all of the children…

I think if your DSC go to their mums for Christmas morning, and she brings them back for the afternoon, she stays for dinner then goes home and leaves the DSC with you and DH, that seems the most sensible, and the nicest option to me, ti's the season and all that. Then DH and ex have a whole year to work out how they will manage this going forward. For me, I get the DC for Christmas and EXH gets them for New Year.

Situations change and will continue to do so. You need to be able to adapt.
Honestly I think half a day with each is too much. It's just one day. Shouldn't be transformed into something it isn't. Kid is only 3. They won't remember the details.

Oh my goodness it’s for a couple of hours! Not even a comparison to her being on her own all day. You said your family will be there anyway! So you won’t be alone! And let your child decide if she goes with daddy or not. You are an adult and quite capable of being alone for a couple hours even if it is Xmas day!

If you push back your partner will get pissed eventually and start to resent you and you may then end up sharing your child on Xmas day every year!!

You are adults - behave like adults and accept you met someone with kids and they come first!

She's not on her own all day, the older kids will be there for all of it now, and were always going to be for half of it! Plus OP's family aren't coming till later. Masses of posts on here that haven't read the information correctly.

She has said, multiple times, that her family won’t be there yet and yes she will be alone. I’m sure she is capable of lots of things but that doesn’t mean she should be doing them. I’m capable of doing it all alone but if my husband thinks that means I should then we’d be divorcing obviously. I note you say kids come first- naturally and the op agrees. Her dh will make sure he sees his kids and she will make sure her child has a great day.

what you and many posters really mean is step mums come last no matter whether they have kids of their own. I’m not a step mum but I think that’s a terrible attitude.

Best advice

I wouldn’t want to do it.

But equally, isn’t it him just wanting all of his kids in one place at Christmas, and being kind towards his ex who will be on her own. IMO suggests he’s a decent guy. Yes there should be compromise but not sure where it is in this case.

He was having all his kids in one place on Christmas day. He now wants to swap out having all his kids at his home with his current partner, for having all his kids at his ex's, leaving his partner home alone and minus her own child.

For an hour or two, at most.

Almost as if his priority was his own happiness* rather than the happiness of his kids either individually or collectively 🤔

*and I include in this the wish to avoid getting it in the neck, which he seems to have figured is more likely to come from his ex wife than his current one. Risky.

There's a huge difference between a couple of hours and the whole damn day! Plus, you'll have other members of your family there with you, she won't have anyone by the sounds of it. Why is being kind and thoughtful so difficult for people these days!?

They are coming here for a few hours instead then he is taking them back to her. Problem solved

Yours. Not hers.

Good - storm in a teacup. Thanks for the update

Not really my problem. She is keeping DSC that day for a lot longer than she normally would.

She didn't post a thread, did she? Of course if she does I would imagine she'll get plenty of good advice.

I mean, as an adult, he should realise it's just a day like any other day! Have them Christmas eve or Boxing day instead. Make it just as special as a normal Christmas Day. Hell, rename it Christmas day 2.0!

Great update, OP.