To think DH is insane to suggest this

[onion88]

My husband blind sided me with this yesterday. Aibu to think he's insane?

My husband and his ex-gf share two children. They have been separated for 10 years (kids are early teens).

We have been together for 6 years and share a child who is 3.

Husbands ex has been in a relationship for the last 6/7 years. Unfortunately this has just ended.

I need to add that they have not always gotten along, DH and ex. There were some really awful times, abusive messages, difficulties agreeing to contact schedules, being awful about me etc... I rarely say more than the odd hello to her.

Right now, they co parent pretty well and it's relatively calm because DSC can mainly contact us/ their mum by themselves now so not much need for contact but it's by no means been an easy or stress free road. I am glad that we mainly need to have nothing to do with her anymore.

Anyway, due to her relationship ending, ex has said to DH that she'll be keeping the children all of Christmas day as she'll be by herself otherwise. Usually they split the day so one has morning, one has them for dinner and changes each year. It was DHs turn for Christmas dinner this year so he's understandably gutted. She has a habit of thinking decisions are hers to solely make and just informing him of what's happening. He doesn't fight her enough imo on this. They share custody completely equally.

DH has now been saying how Christmas will be rubbish now, won't even feel like Christmas, cant even be bothered with it now blah blah blah. Which I've told him is ridiculous seen as we also have a child so he needs to get a grip for their sake at least!

But anyway, he's just blind sided me yesterday saying that he's going to suggest to his ex that either she comes here for Christmas dinner with DSC (my family usually comes so that will be nice and awkward) or alternatively he wants to take our child to her house to see DSC in the afternoon on Christmas day, leaving me at home without our child on Christmas day.

I don't want either of those and think he's utterly insane for suggesting them. If he wants to see DSC on Christmas he needs to tell ex that her being alone on Xmas day isn't his problem and he wants DSC as previously arranged not expect all of us to adjust our day and me to be without our child to appease her. Imo if he doesn't want to argue with her on it, he should just accept seeing DSC on boxing day instead this year.

Aibu to argue this and say no? If he really wants to drop in to see DSC and can't just wait until boxing day then he can but I don't want our child going or her coming here.

It's not a compromise when only one person gets what they want, and everyone else is bending backwards to accommodate it.

If the arrangements for Christmas have been formally agreed then he should insist that they come to you, if she's on her own that's tough but not your problem.

I think your husband should be kind and allow a one off (and make it clear that it is a one off) that his ex has the children all Christmas Day this year.
Insist that you have the DSC over for an evening meal on Christmas Eve and to open presents and that they come back again for Boxing Day afternoon.

Alternatively, your DH should just say NO to his ex but you both could extend an invitation to her to spend the middle of Christmas Day and have lunch at your home (again as a one off).

If could be a new way that offers your DSC a serene day where their parents can be civil in the same space for an hour or two. Good practice for when they graduate or get married.

God your standards are low.

Man agrees to something he doesn't want.

Man then expects woman to do something she doesn't want, because he fucked up.

Man is being dismissive of shared child together, her importance and her needs.

You: it's fineeee, he's sooo great, just have a bath!

Maybe it’s an excuse and the teenagers don’t want to split the day this year 😕

Doesn't work like that - she's only just split with her DP and is likely raw. You haven't

If he didn't give a shit about their shared DC, he wouldn't be proposing to bring her and all her three year old chaos with him.

Does DC often hang out at XW’s home? Is this a familiar environment?

I totally agree with you OP.

The original arrangements should stand.

It's unfortunate her relationship has ended but I don't see why it gives her the right to start changing things just to suit her.

I think your DH's reaction was very hurtful. Hopefully it was a heat of the moment reaction and when he has calmed down you can have a reasonable conversation.

I don't see why he should be happy to spoil your Christmas and your DD's Christmas just to accommodate a totally unreasonable demand by his ex.

Because exes like this weaponise their children to get their own way. It's the turn of their father to have them for Christmas dinner, she should honour that arrangement.

No, DD has never been to exes house. She's only met her maybe twice at the door.

To be honest I can imagine DD kicking off about having to leave on the day anyway. I certainly wouldn't be forcing her to go.

AnneLovesGilbert I'd go to annoy her!!!

I don't think OP is really having to compromise much or bend over backwards. Her DH and DC will be out for a couple of hours. They're hosting later that day so it'll be busy anyway and easier without a preschooler under foot. Or if all is in hand, how often does the mother of a 3yo get to sit down and watch a terrible Christmas movie in the middle of the day?

The DC going with the DH really doesn't have to be a drama.

What 3 year old is going to be happy being taken away from all of her new toys to go sit in a strangers house to watch her teenage brothers open gifts, come on now lol.

Tell DH go alone for an hour or two, deliver their gifts, spend some time with them. DD presumably can spend boxing day with her brothers if they are no longer coming to yours for Xmas day? Seems the best way to keep everyone as happy as possible.

So what if she’s raw? Why does that trump everyone else’s plans?

There’s no way this would be the suggestions if it was the DF who had just split up and was going to be alone.

Easy solution: do Christmas Day on Boxing Day. That's what I've been doing since my divorce when kids 3 and 6. They're 14 and 17 now. I also have a 4 yo with second husband.
Then next year it switches
It's not ideal but that's life.

Ex also has family so why she can't possibly spend the day with them I don't know.

There is history as mentioned in my OP of her just unilaterally deciding something and in her mind DH having to like it or lump it. She believes all decisions like this are hers solely to make, she always has.

I think lots of three year olds would be super excited to get to go see their siblings and show off a couple of their new toys.

LoneStar7thats the real issue here isn't it.

I think the very fact that he wants to take your dd shows that she is important to him as much as his other dc. He sees all three as his dc (as they are) and wants to see them together on Christmas day. This is why blended families and second families often struggle because the all parents involved don't all view all the dc in the same way.

I also don't agree he is prioritising his ex over you but after years of conflict he isn't suddenly going to be able to 'make' her agree to something. I have an ex and father to my dc who is unreliable and I can't suddenly magically make him stick to plans now. If a new partner expected that they would be within their rights to walk away but they wouldn't be able to insist I 'sorted it' as it's not that simple. You presumably knew what the set up with his ex was like when you had dd/decided to get married? You shouldn't have assumed it would change. I know that's pointless to say now but you have to accept that you are in a relationship with someone who has dc outside of your nuclear family and that will always impact you and dd in one way or another.

Maybe because he is a human being with some empathy for his ex/mother of three of his children?

Then I would agree that DD doesn't go to ex house on Xmas day

@MissUltraViolet Sorry- I thought the 3 yos dad is second partner?

Not what she said.

What, that the kids don’t want to go this year? I think that’s where I would place my bet (and she’s taking the blame to protect them from hurting their dads feelings).