AIBU to not feel like my parents chosen grandchild is part of the family

[Happygoluckywifey]

I (32f) have two brothers, T(34m) and V(31). We come from a lower middle class family, but we’re all smart and V and I both graduated from university and live a stable live married with children.

V has had a drug problem in a very long time and has been living a very unstable life. Finally, he was arrested and is currently in prison.
Before he was arrested, he had a girlfriend Y(48f). Y has had a problem with alcohol and lost custody of her three children from three different dads to the respective grandparents.

Shortly after my brother T was arrested, Y realized she was pregnant and claimed T was the father. She thought about terminating the pregnancy but my parents J(62f) and E(63m) as deeply religious people talked her out of it. They supported her throughout the pregnancy, helped her find a small apartment, she got sober and gave birth to a baby girl S(8f). My parents who didn’t have any other grandchildren at that point, treated her like a grandchild and my brother V and I treated her as a niece, although we lived far away and din’t have much contact as she was still a baby.

When Y claimed child support, my brother questioned paternity and a DNA test was done through the court. The test came back negative, my brother T wasn’t the father.
When my parents learned about the test results , S was already 18 months old.
Y told us on Christmas Eve, although I later learned from my grandmother, that my parents had already known for months at that point and I felt manipulated by the timing of telling us. My brother V and me just nodded it off awkwardly back then.

My parents then just decided for themselves, they wanted to keep everything as it was and kept treating S as their grandchild.

My brother V and I have stopped calling us aunt or uncle but otherwise treat Y and S respectfully. They are friendly but don’t fit in very well with us, we have absolutely nothing in common. They are at every family gathering at my parents place, every family holiday. My parents have S stay with them for weeks on end during summer breaks.
Just when my grandmother, my brother or my husband and I are hosting, we don’t invite them, which causes tension with my parents.
Now my brother and I have both had kids who are started getting attached to S and I feel like I have to make a decision to embrace them or not and what to tell S and my children who they are to each other.

I don’t want to punish S since it’s not her fault she doesn’t have family but I also think it was wrong of my parents to push this on us.
So AIBU to feel like S and Y are not part of the family ?

Jesus...

I think you’ve maybe muddled V and T.

She’s been part of the family for 8 years. I couldn’t imagine excluding a child that I’d grown to love and so had my children due to a DNA test. Poor kid

If you could just pop all that into an algebraic equation for us, that’d be great.

I think your parents are amazing. Lucky little girl.

When's the premier?

T is her stepfather though, has basically adopted her (if not officially) and has raised her since birth. So she isn't a stranger to the family.

I think you're being a bit strange to fixate on the fact that there's no blood tie.

Are you resentful because you think your parents treat S better than their blood-related grandchildren?

Unfortunately I have to say, I don’t love this girl. We don’t live nearby and don’t see her that often so we never bonded.
I kind of just cherish the times when they aren’t joining and it’s not awkward because they are so different and my parents aren’t all over them the whole time.

Fucking hell. She's a little kid and she's been part of your extended family since she was born by virtue of your parents and brother's choices. It literally wouldn't hurt you in the slightest to include her and it's just cruel and petty to leave them out.

You are causing a divide in your family and punishing a little girl who doesn't have another family to be a part of.

If your parents love her and have accepted her as part of their family, what do you get out of rejecting her? Is it the lack of blood relationship? Are you jealous on behalf of your own children? Would you feel the same way about an adopted child? Or is it because you dislike Y and have displaced that animosity onto her child?

I think you need to dig deep and really interrogate your own feelings here. Because I'm afraid it comes across as unpleasantly tribal and a bit vindictive.

So she basically a step child now? I have “step nieces and nephews” but they are just my nieces and nephews.

i understand you feel deceived but she’s just a child who’s joined a blended family please don’t treat her differently

My brother T isn’t her stepfather, he has been on prison all her life and they broke up during the pregnancy. He even tells me he doesn’t know what he’ll do when he comes out since his ex has practically taken over his family.

If she was adopted I’d be all in with her, that’s not the issue.

And yes, she gets more attention since she needs it more, V and I can provide for our own kids, Y just got off benefits.

This @Happygoluckywifey your post gets very confused as to who is who.

If I had viewed a baby as my own niece / grandchild / whatever for 18 months I don’t think I could have switched those feelings off if I found out we weren’t actually related. That said, I completely understand why your feelings are complicated, it’s not a straightforward situation.

I don’t think you necessarily have to do anything more complicated than be truthful. Let your kids know that S isn’t a blood relation but has been brought into the envelope of your family and is an unofficially adopted grandchild of your parents. If they like her and enjoy her company you can facilitate them spending time together, if they don’t really get on then like with any cousins you don’t have to force a relationship - just teach them to be civil.

I don’t think the brother and woman are still together. So I’m assuming he’s not raised her at all.

Yeah maybe?

my DH and I have 12 grandchildren between us. We share no children.

They are all OUR grandchildren and we do not differentiate between them.

I suggest you try to embrace your niece.

Yep

V has had a drug problem in a very long time and has been living a very unstable life. Finally, he was arrested and is currently in prison.

Do you mean T?

That's fine no point pretending

My parents then just decided for themselves, they wanted to keep everything as it was and kept treating S as their grandchild.

It doesn’t sound like anything was or is pushed on you.
Your parents have made a decision for themselves. I probably couldn’t dote on a baby as a family member for almost a year and a half and then instantly cut them off due to DNA. Sometimes family relationships are more than biological.

It’s lovely your children feel compassion even if you don’t. Shame it skipped a generation.

She is essentially their adoptive grandchild.

I get that she’s not a blood relation to you, but she’s clearly part of the family.

I’d think of this along the lines of families who have “uncle Bob” who is actually granddads old army buddy. For that matter, my godfather isn’t a blood relative of anyone in the family, but he is very much family!

Maybe ChatGPT would have made this clearer.

It’s not „just“ me causing a divide. My brothers and my grandmother and our spouses all think it’s weird, it’s basically just my parents pushing everyone to play along.

I don’t think it would matter if she fit in better and we enjoyed their company. We’re all highly educated, successfully people and she is, sorry to say, not the brightest. Can’t engage in any conversations, she still feels like a stranger who gets to join every gig.