AIBU to not feel like my parents chosen grandchild is part of the family

[Happygoluckywifey]

I (32f) have two brothers, T(34m) and V(31). We come from a lower middle class family, but we’re all smart and V and I both graduated from university and live a stable live married with children.

V has had a drug problem in a very long time and has been living a very unstable life. Finally, he was arrested and is currently in prison.
Before he was arrested, he had a girlfriend Y(48f). Y has had a problem with alcohol and lost custody of her three children from three different dads to the respective grandparents.

Shortly after my brother T was arrested, Y realized she was pregnant and claimed T was the father. She thought about terminating the pregnancy but my parents J(62f) and E(63m) as deeply religious people talked her out of it. They supported her throughout the pregnancy, helped her find a small apartment, she got sober and gave birth to a baby girl S(8f). My parents who didn’t have any other grandchildren at that point, treated her like a grandchild and my brother V and I treated her as a niece, although we lived far away and din’t have much contact as she was still a baby.

When Y claimed child support, my brother questioned paternity and a DNA test was done through the court. The test came back negative, my brother T wasn’t the father.
When my parents learned about the test results , S was already 18 months old.
Y told us on Christmas Eve, although I later learned from my grandmother, that my parents had already known for months at that point and I felt manipulated by the timing of telling us. My brother V and me just nodded it off awkwardly back then.

My parents then just decided for themselves, they wanted to keep everything as it was and kept treating S as their grandchild.

My brother V and I have stopped calling us aunt or uncle but otherwise treat Y and S respectfully. They are friendly but don’t fit in very well with us, we have absolutely nothing in common. They are at every family gathering at my parents place, every family holiday. My parents have S stay with them for weeks on end during summer breaks.
Just when my grandmother, my brother or my husband and I are hosting, we don’t invite them, which causes tension with my parents.
Now my brother and I have both had kids who are started getting attached to S and I feel like I have to make a decision to embrace them or not and what to tell S and my children who they are to each other.

I don’t want to punish S since it’s not her fault she doesn’t have family but I also think it was wrong of my parents to push this on us.
So AIBU to feel like S and Y are not part of the family ?

What a very nasty comment about an 8 year old who is living a difficult life. I sincerely hope you don't deliberately make her feel excluded and uncomfortable during these gatherings, anymore than your snobbery would already achieved.

I have an adopted child and a step child. If my sister was like you, id cut her off.
She is an innocent bloody child ffs. She clearly knows no different, in her eyes thats her grandparents. Imagine you and your brother being so petty as to stop her saying aunt and uncle and excluding her at xmas 🙄

Christ you and your family, besides your parents, sound like awful stuck up snobs. Shame your high level education didnt teach you empathy, compassion or common decency ae?

Can you not see how your circumstances are completely different?

In your scenario, your sister is auntie to a child you have chosen to adopt and another who has joined your family because you have chosen to marry their father.

In OP's scenario, she is 'auntie' to a child who is the daughter of a woman her brother had a relationship with before the child was born. It doesn't sound like the brother has even met the child since he has been in prison all her life, and at 18 months a paternity test showed that he wasn't her biological father.

Wow. Your parents must be so disappointed in you, for your lack of compassion and charity. Probably wonder where their parenting went wrong.

Still an innocent child and the OPs parents have chosen to "adopt" her. I mean for about a year or 2, she was family.

Reading OPs posts shes jealous and stuck up!

I think the issue for @Happygoluckywifey is not so much her parents adopting this child, it is the back door way in which she has been pushed into the family that is causing the tension. There's a big difference between adopting a dc where their background is transparent to all and no one feels duped and a woman who lies about her dc's paternity only to find out 18mths down the line they are infact at all.

It is sad for all concerned more so the innocent dc but I would be concentrating on what would benefit the dc long term:
Where is the DC's real father? has the mother told him and what part will he or the child's biological relatives play in her life going forward?

It may sound harsh but 18 months is a VERY short time in the child's overall life and that is what I would be thinking of rather than her life to date. She is young enough to bond with her real family and build her life with them.
If there is no chance of her being reconciled with her biological family then, adoption needs to be done properly (officially or unofficially) and not covertly because a dc is part of a wider FAMILY, not just one individuals possession and this is what OP's parents have not given due diligence to. They must have a proper conversation with their son because it is he who introduced the dc's mother to them and adopting this dc who is not his will have repercussions for him and everyone else.

How will @OP's parents explain the new grandchild going forward? will they say she's their DS's dc or will they never mention their ds in connection with the dc? We already have a situation where @op's dc's are asking who she is?

These things all need to be thought through carefully to avoid any embarrassment to the & dc so that everyone is on board and there is no awkwardness about the dc's beginnings. Sweeping everything under the carpet, expecting wider family member to tow the line, and 'pretending' which is what @Happygoluckywifey 's parents are doing is never going to bode well. We all know/or heard about at least one dc who has undetermined connections to a family - Covert glances, whispers about who they look like or don't look like, will they inherit/not inherit/family trees that don't show a particular persons roots and the impact on the dc in future when the truth comes out. This can all be avoided if done properly now.

I doubt op will want this lass babysitting her children. Tbh, if Op’s assessment is correct then the girl may not be a safe babysitter (risk assessment, child first aid training etc may be beyond her capabilities anyway).

Blimey you love yourself a lot. See I would so much prefer the companionship of someone like your parents and this poor young girl than someone who looks down on people as much as you do. Kindness is worth way more than your snotty 'I'm just better' attitude!
Poor bloody kid.
Tell you what, with all your brains, try putting yourself in that kids position.
Not her fault who she is, who her father is or isn't, nothing is her fault. As a parent myself, I would feel so much compassion for this little girl (like your parents obviously do!) and try to really include her and get to know her. Family is who you want it to be. Blood doesn't have to mean anything at the end of the day.
Be nicer, it'll be the greatest lesson your own kids will ever learn.

100% correct. I reckon this is all about inheritance or something. Whatever it is, this person is not as educated as she thinks she is, she sounds extremely childish for one, so strange for a grown woman to be so jealous of a little girl! When a decent kind educated person would actually think 'One more person to love and be a part of our family! brilliant!'

But for 18 months everyone thought there was a blood relationship and presumably accepted the child as family. The grandparents did the right thing in not abandoning her whilst the others seem to have jumped up and down saying "result a bigger inheritance for us".

Jeez, if I were your parents I’d be more disappointed by the judgemental “birth”people in the family.

This is a child. Her intelligence, or not, has nothing to do with birth family

Poor child. Other than your parents, you all sound awful.☹️

Covert glances.....have we gone back to the 1950s?
The child is 8 and has known granny as such for 8 years presumably always introduced in the same way over 8 years.....who puts their hand to their mouths and whispers who's child is it? That's ridiculous. Explanation to child when needed...your mummy went out with our son for a little while we think of you as our grandchild and you always will be to us.
Why assume the mother deliberately lied or knows the father?

Wow, you sound as bad as her, the child is 8 fgs, op is jealous and a snob and thinks she knows if a child is more stupid than her (doubt that). She may grow up to be highly intelligent and realise that the extended family are not people she wants to know. The op already said her children like her, they are probably a better judge of character than her!

Why don't you use names (made up ones will do) instead of initials which you seem to have got muddled?

Does she know who the actual father is? She may not want anything from him, but he has a right to know and so does the daughter.

Your parents fell in love with this little girl before finding out she wasn’t actually your brothers child…
Whether she was or not not though doesn’t mean you have to except her as your family, who you holiday with and invite to your house is not for anyone else to judge!
Jusf tell your mum that you’re not interested and that actually you’re upset that this child always comes before your children.. I’d be upset about that regardless of DNA! Your mum should treat your children as well as this other child.

OK.

By your own logic, do you see OP's brother taking on the role of this child's father when he returns from prison? And what if he eventually starts a family of his own? Will this child be considered their sibling?

Everyone has massively oversimplified this into parents = good because accept unrelated child as family, OP = bad because not accept unrelated child as family but it's exponentially more complex than that.

Nobody is asking him to, he presumably has had little if any contact with the child the ops parents and presumably those not incarcerated have had contact and presumably accepted her when they thought she was a blood relative then thought she should be tossed out with the rubbish after 18 months.
The nasty intelligence beneath us attitude is appalling and the jealousy is so bad it makes it clear why the ops parents are disappointed in their own offspring.

Tossed out with the rubbish after 18 months.

Ah yes, because the only two options here are to accept that a child unrelated to you is your niece, or toss them in the rubbish. Of course.

You're so incensed by the comments OP made that you're failing to see this logically. The grandparents have chosen to accept this child as their grandchild, that doesn't mean OP has to accept her as her niece.

The nearest thing I can think of is if my parents had family friends that I didn't get on with. I wouldn't object to them having these friends but I might not like it if they had to be included in every family gathering. This would be especially true if I didn't get to spend time with my parents that often.