AIBU to not feel like my parents chosen grandchild is part of the family

[Happygoluckywifey]

I (32f) have two brothers, T(34m) and V(31). We come from a lower middle class family, but we’re all smart and V and I both graduated from university and live a stable live married with children.

V has had a drug problem in a very long time and has been living a very unstable life. Finally, he was arrested and is currently in prison.
Before he was arrested, he had a girlfriend Y(48f). Y has had a problem with alcohol and lost custody of her three children from three different dads to the respective grandparents.

Shortly after my brother T was arrested, Y realized she was pregnant and claimed T was the father. She thought about terminating the pregnancy but my parents J(62f) and E(63m) as deeply religious people talked her out of it. They supported her throughout the pregnancy, helped her find a small apartment, she got sober and gave birth to a baby girl S(8f). My parents who didn’t have any other grandchildren at that point, treated her like a grandchild and my brother V and I treated her as a niece, although we lived far away and din’t have much contact as she was still a baby.

When Y claimed child support, my brother questioned paternity and a DNA test was done through the court. The test came back negative, my brother T wasn’t the father.
When my parents learned about the test results , S was already 18 months old.
Y told us on Christmas Eve, although I later learned from my grandmother, that my parents had already known for months at that point and I felt manipulated by the timing of telling us. My brother V and me just nodded it off awkwardly back then.

My parents then just decided for themselves, they wanted to keep everything as it was and kept treating S as their grandchild.

My brother V and I have stopped calling us aunt or uncle but otherwise treat Y and S respectfully. They are friendly but don’t fit in very well with us, we have absolutely nothing in common. They are at every family gathering at my parents place, every family holiday. My parents have S stay with them for weeks on end during summer breaks.
Just when my grandmother, my brother or my husband and I are hosting, we don’t invite them, which causes tension with my parents.
Now my brother and I have both had kids who are started getting attached to S and I feel like I have to make a decision to embrace them or not and what to tell S and my children who they are to each other.

I don’t want to punish S since it’s not her fault she doesn’t have family but I also think it was wrong of my parents to push this on us.
So AIBU to feel like S and Y are not part of the family ?

That’s exactly what I’ve been doing all these years. I send gifts every occasion also to her Mom. I listen to her, I engage with her.
I just don’t seek her out.

You sound so cold. She's an 8 year old child.

Yes, sorry again

We’re all highly educated, successfully people

Your brother though...

I think your parents are acting in a christian fashion and you sound like a snob. Sorry op but we are taking about a child.

Well I guess you can sleep soundly knowing
you are so much more intelligent and successful then an 8 year old. Well done you.

You’re so rude. You’ve obviously been brought up by parents that wanted the best for you but in fact it sounds like you were spoilt.

Your parents have decided they want a relationship with this child and her mum, that’s their prerogative. If you don’t like it, don’t go to family events.

Your children sound far more accepting and tolerant than you, maybe you could learn from them?

Well said. Incredibly judgmental of a mother and child but no judgement for a brother who has committed a serious enough crime to be incarcerated for 8 years.

Presumably this criminal brother had the same opportunities and education as OP and the other brother and yet ended up in prison, but I guess at least he can converse in a properly educated manner.

I treat her and her mom very friendly, I keep my thoughts to myself.
That‘s why I look for the opinion of strangers, because everyone else has an agenda.

Your own sentence structure, multiple typos and spelling errors and questionable use of punctuation doesn’t really come over as “university educated” on these posts to be honest, and I’m unsure what a “successfully” person is. Should everyone stop talking to you because you don’t meet our standards? Or does that only apply to small children?

So how would it be any different if the child was biologically related to your brother? They would still be " different" aka not good enough

It’s not about you OP
get over yourself

It sounds like this is all because OP now has a baby and loathes that another child, who has already been in the picture for 8 years, but who OP view as less than, is now taking away grandparent attention from her PFB.

I actually agree with you OP.

Your brother isn't the father. Has never had anything to do with the child. When he's out of prison, what's he supposed to do? Play happy non-families with his ex and the child she faked was his?

Your parents got all caught up as they would naturally do, with the "oh so special" first grandchild. And when it turns out this child is actually no relation to your family at all, your parents have been so involved, they can't accept the reality and continue to act like they haven't received this news.

So then when you/your other brother have their actual first grandchild, all the "specialness" has been stolen for a completely non related child because of this manipulative woman's lies. She thought your family looked the best bet and faked this was their grandchild to remain attached to them. And you get to watch a random child be treated as your child(ren) should be.

Sitting at every family occasion with the woman who faked her kid was your brother's, having to act civil as if that's ok to do?!

Lots of people acting like they'd be very ok with this, when in real life, they fucking wouldn't. By a mile.

Where's the actual dad??

I disagree with the grain here. OP doesn't really object to S, but more Y. Her parents have chosen to have a semi-adoptive grandchild. It's understandable as they grew close before realising she wasn't related, and value the bond. Also, their other children don't live near, and this gives them a purpose in life, which probably helps them and S. They should be admired for this.
But trying to bring a family friend and a little girl they very admirably love and care into all family events is weird and wrong. OP is honest they have nothing in common. I don't think I'd have much in common with Y either. OP and others feel weird about the situation. I think OP, both brothers, and maybe Granny too, should make clear that for them this is not family and that's final.
OP - as far as S needing to repeat a year and not being the brightest, I wonder if her mothers' alcohol in early pregnancy was a factor? Of course it doesn't really change anything now.

No, these feelings have been there since it came out the mom lied to us about the paternity of my brother.

This is also not my first child if it matters.

Yabvvvu Firstly blood isn't everything. Secondly why do you think your better then everyone else, is it because in your words your highly educated that is of very little interest to the majority of people and not what most people base relationships on. Thirdly this is a little girl who has an alcoholic mother and no father she needs support and stability surely you would want to be their for her and not making her life harder by taking away the one bit of family and stability she has.

Your parents are nicer people than you.

@Gogogo12345 I suspect the answer to your question is that OP would have grudgingly accepted the child's presence if they had been blood related, but she doesn't see why she should have to now.

OP sees the negative DNA test as a blessed relief, an opportunity to boot these social undesirables out of her perfect family and never look back. She's outraged that her parents don't feel the same way.

@LewishamMumNow I disagree with the grain here. OP doesn't really object to S, but more Y.

She’s calling an 8 year old stupid, it’s fair to say she also objects to the child.

But did she lie or did she genuinely not no she's an addict they don't have the best memory. And even if she did lie why are you taking it out on an 8 year old

@zzar45 TBF she doesn't use the word "stupid" but is far more polite and sympathetic. And from the example she gives she does seem to have a point, albeit I worry S has FAS.

I wasn’t spoilt for sure. They spent all their time working and volunteering and I fended for myself, achieved everything on my own.

My children are 2 and 4 months, they are friendly to everyone because we teach them so, well the baby of course doesn’t do much just yet.

Am I rude ? I am honest and blunt because I’m not looking for friends but for judgment.

To all the people calling OP a snob, I would be "snobby" towards someone who had three children, by different Dad, all taken into care. And I couldn't care less if they were a member of the Royal Family!
And now a 4th, by another Dad, who she lied about......

Your parents are only doing what " religious people " are supposed to do: to love others no matter how they came near us