AIBU to not feel like my parents chosen grandchild is part of the family

[Happygoluckywifey]

I (32f) have two brothers, T(34m) and V(31). We come from a lower middle class family, but we’re all smart and V and I both graduated from university and live a stable live married with children.

V has had a drug problem in a very long time and has been living a very unstable life. Finally, he was arrested and is currently in prison.
Before he was arrested, he had a girlfriend Y(48f). Y has had a problem with alcohol and lost custody of her three children from three different dads to the respective grandparents.

Shortly after my brother T was arrested, Y realized she was pregnant and claimed T was the father. She thought about terminating the pregnancy but my parents J(62f) and E(63m) as deeply religious people talked her out of it. They supported her throughout the pregnancy, helped her find a small apartment, she got sober and gave birth to a baby girl S(8f). My parents who didn’t have any other grandchildren at that point, treated her like a grandchild and my brother V and I treated her as a niece, although we lived far away and din’t have much contact as she was still a baby.

When Y claimed child support, my brother questioned paternity and a DNA test was done through the court. The test came back negative, my brother T wasn’t the father.
When my parents learned about the test results , S was already 18 months old.
Y told us on Christmas Eve, although I later learned from my grandmother, that my parents had already known for months at that point and I felt manipulated by the timing of telling us. My brother V and me just nodded it off awkwardly back then.

My parents then just decided for themselves, they wanted to keep everything as it was and kept treating S as their grandchild.

My brother V and I have stopped calling us aunt or uncle but otherwise treat Y and S respectfully. They are friendly but don’t fit in very well with us, we have absolutely nothing in common. They are at every family gathering at my parents place, every family holiday. My parents have S stay with them for weeks on end during summer breaks.
Just when my grandmother, my brother or my husband and I are hosting, we don’t invite them, which causes tension with my parents.
Now my brother and I have both had kids who are started getting attached to S and I feel like I have to make a decision to embrace them or not and what to tell S and my children who they are to each other.

I don’t want to punish S since it’s not her fault she doesn’t have family but I also think it was wrong of my parents to push this on us.
So AIBU to feel like S and Y are not part of the family ?

No, these feelings have been there since it came out the mom lied to us about the paternity of my brother.

It appears from what you have written about the circumstances that the child could very well have been your brothers child. You are absolutely determined to paint her in the worst light possible and yet she has by all accounts turned her life around with the help and encouragement of your parents and good on them for supporting her to do so.

OP, I 100% agree with you - this woman is just your junkie brother's lying ex. You have been very nice to accommodate her for so long, IMO! It's a shame for the child, as obviously non of this is her fault, but really she's just a "pet" of your parents - someone they have chosen to "sponsor", to fill a gap in their lives at the time.

I think it's honourable of your parents to keep up their relationship with her, but very wrong of them to force the girl and her mother on the rest of you. And v v v unreasonable to let her take away from time and energy spent on their actual grandchildren!

I would just continue as you are - be civil, as you would be to any of your parents' friends, and be honest with your children that she's not family but a little girl and her mum who your parents have decided to help take care of, as they don't have much extended family of their own. If your own kids happen to like her and want to spend time with her then fair enough, but it sounds like there's quite an age gap, so probably not very realistic.

This is all lovely and commendable. But it doesn't make them family. And it doesn't make it okay to force them onto their other children and other relatives who do not feel any connection.

Lots of people "adopt" others as family members who have no other family, I know a few people who grew up with surrogate grandparents who they referred to as such, I even have a friend someone whose mum abandoned her at a young age and although she had her lovely dad until he died in her teens, her best friends mum took her under her wing as a female figure and she has called Mum for nearly 40 years and her friends dad Pops they are all very active in each others live still (including her best friend who's like a sister)

It's really not that uncommon for people to have compassion and humanity.

@Happygoluckywifey really, Y has abused your parent emotionally and probably financially too and they have just sat back and accepted it!! I am on your side OP!

And this is what I was waiting for. You're a snob & she doesn't fit in with your 'lower middle class' family.

Agree. You’re coming across as looking down your nose at Y and the child

Why? What would that achieve?

You don't need to seek her out. As long as your civil you don't need to be doting on either of them. Like I said, I'm with you. The fact that there are so many people on here that don't seem to have a problem with this is worrying. I'd not like someone who manipulated my parents to be at all my family gatherings either

Bring back proof reading 😄

We’re all highly educated, successfully people

That is worth nothing if you're not a good person. You want to reject a child because she isn't as smart as you think she should be.
What sort of person does that make you?

Highly educated but can't show any compassion or affection to a child you've known your whole life.
Think S is lucky she doesn't have much to do with you. At least your parents are decent people.

Exactly. OP's parents love this child and I admire them for not throwing her away because of a DNA test. But this is MN where threads about GPs pointedly leaving a stepchild out of Christmas gift-giving are greeted with "well why should they spend money on her, she is nothing to them", so we shouldn't be surprised.

I know someone in a veeerrrry similar situation. But you seem to be north American (I think) so I'm going to cautiously assume you're not the same person.

So the only reason you didnt go "all in" was because your brother didn't "claim her"? What if, after 18 months it turned out she was biologically related? Would you have been able to turn on your feelings then? Did you not have any care or love for the child before you knew she wasn't related?

I find that very odd.

Wow. I can't believe the absolute snobbery of that post. To look down on a child that way too is shocking. You sound like an awful person, hopefully your children grow to be more like your parents and have some love and empathy. The world needs more kindness, that is much more important that being "highly educated and successful".
Do you and your family look down on your brother this way too? Or is it okay for him to have drug issues and be in prison as he is bred from a highly educated and successful family?

Just call her your kids’ ´step cousin’ and carry on as you are. Don’t invite them to stuff you organize if you don’t want them there but behave civilly and include the little girl when you see her at family occasions organized by your parents - so if she’s there at Christmas she needs at least a token gift like a book and some sweets or something. Tell your kids age appropriate truths as questions come up.

It’s important to remember that this is 8 years in! I don’t know why OP seems to think the GPs are going to do anything other than continue the relationship they already have with this girl.

Fair point. I totally get that OP doesn't want to be in her presence. What I do find unpleasant is OP 'judgement of, and lack of empathy for, her parents, for continuing to provide the love and support to the child they love, like any grandparent would.

I don’t think it would matter if she fit in better and we enjoyed their company. We’re all highly educated, successfully people and she is, sorry to say, not the brightest. Can’t engage in any conversations, she still feels like a stranger who gets to join every gig.

Wow. Just read that back and see how it looks. Unbelievably crass.

Your parents sound like amazing people. It's a shame that they didn't manage to pass on their values to their children. I'm guessing that they realise that they messed up monumentally with their own children, and this is perhaps their attempt to atone for their own parenting failures.

He got mentally ill from the drug use. In my home country (not UK) you are sent to a mental health facility to get better before you serve your sentence and he just hasn't gotten better. He was sentenced to 4 years for robbing a gas station with a fake weapon I think.
I hold contact with him, it isn't easy either since he basically never had a normal life but I don't want to abandon him.
And yes, I´m sure it will be challenging if he comes out.

YABU what a horrible person. They have loved that child for 18 months your family is the only one she knows. Just because she's not your brother's biological child.

About 10 years ago I read an article about down syndrome twin boys. They had their son and girlfriend living with them. But they ended up both abandoning the little boys when they were a few months old with who they thought was their grandparents.

So they had to apply to the courts for kinship care. To do that they had to do a DNA test. But it came back their son wasn't their biological father. So they could abandon them into foster care or apply to adopt them both.

It was their teenage daughter who persuaded them to adopt when she said they won't love them as much as we do. Family isn't always about DNA.

You know what's even more important than being 'intelligent'? Having compassion for vulnerable children. This little girl has been welcomed into a family and is loved by your parents. Not because she's smart, or because of her DNA, but just loved as she is.

You don't have to love her, or even like her. What you do have to accept is that other people love her. You can use age appropriate explanations to help your children understand family relations as they get older (eg 'step-cousin'). It's not something to make into a big drama - lots of families include close ties between people who aren't related by blood but who are still family.

I am sympathetic towards you.

Y sounds like a nightmare. Good for her for getting clean and sober but she's had kids previously taken into care and lied that your brother was definitely the father. And you don't click with her and don't want her constantly at your family gatherings, which is fair enough.

Your parents are clearly being wonderful towards the little girl, and she and her mum come as a package.

Realistically you're going to have to accept they are part of the extended family and get on with them as you have been. Lots of people have family members they don't particularly like, and still need to see them regularly.

I don't feel you have a responsibility yourself to invite them along to everything. I would let the relationship with your kids just be guided by now well they get on with the little girl. I would facilitate it if they want to see each other but wouldn't push them together otherwise.

I would consider having a non confrontational and honest conversation with your parents about your feelings, to minimise unresolved tensions.

I don’t treat her poorly. I don’t know how all came to be and haven’t walked in her shoes. So I’m not even judging her, I just don’t want to hang out with her since we have got no common interests.

Will your brother want to continue a relationship with this little girl and her mother when he gets out of jail? If not and he’s moved on since finding out she lied to him about paternity then I can see how you feel, your parents are forcing a pretend relationship on to you all
I agree with others just be civil to her mother and don’t leave the wee girl out when in company but you certainly do not need to invite her to any of your parties etc .
Your brother may meet someone else and have a biological child since this child is not his and he’s not had very much contact with her, I would say your parents are kind but a bit deluded.