AIBU to not feel like my parents chosen grandchild is part of the family

[Happygoluckywifey]

I (32f) have two brothers, T(34m) and V(31). We come from a lower middle class family, but we’re all smart and V and I both graduated from university and live a stable live married with children.

V has had a drug problem in a very long time and has been living a very unstable life. Finally, he was arrested and is currently in prison.
Before he was arrested, he had a girlfriend Y(48f). Y has had a problem with alcohol and lost custody of her three children from three different dads to the respective grandparents.

Shortly after my brother T was arrested, Y realized she was pregnant and claimed T was the father. She thought about terminating the pregnancy but my parents J(62f) and E(63m) as deeply religious people talked her out of it. They supported her throughout the pregnancy, helped her find a small apartment, she got sober and gave birth to a baby girl S(8f). My parents who didn’t have any other grandchildren at that point, treated her like a grandchild and my brother V and I treated her as a niece, although we lived far away and din’t have much contact as she was still a baby.

When Y claimed child support, my brother questioned paternity and a DNA test was done through the court. The test came back negative, my brother T wasn’t the father.
When my parents learned about the test results , S was already 18 months old.
Y told us on Christmas Eve, although I later learned from my grandmother, that my parents had already known for months at that point and I felt manipulated by the timing of telling us. My brother V and me just nodded it off awkwardly back then.

My parents then just decided for themselves, they wanted to keep everything as it was and kept treating S as their grandchild.

My brother V and I have stopped calling us aunt or uncle but otherwise treat Y and S respectfully. They are friendly but don’t fit in very well with us, we have absolutely nothing in common. They are at every family gathering at my parents place, every family holiday. My parents have S stay with them for weeks on end during summer breaks.
Just when my grandmother, my brother or my husband and I are hosting, we don’t invite them, which causes tension with my parents.
Now my brother and I have both had kids who are started getting attached to S and I feel like I have to make a decision to embrace them or not and what to tell S and my children who they are to each other.

I don’t want to punish S since it’s not her fault she doesn’t have family but I also think it was wrong of my parents to push this on us.
So AIBU to feel like S and Y are not part of the family ?

The way you look down on this woman and her child is outrageous. Why mention the little girl was held back a year? That they were on benefits?
Your own family has drug addiction and criminality to contend with and you’re calling yourselves smart and successful in comparison 😬
How would you be treating them if the DNA test had been positive?

So you've never discussed it within the family, never asked your parents?

The poor child needs to know the truth.

😂

Your parents had clearly bonded with this child by the time they knew she wasn’t their blood relative. If someone said your 4 month old baby was mixed up in the hospital and isn’t your blood child would you feel differently about him? Good on your parents for not walking away from this child. It’s a little sad that you’re jealous of the attention this girl has.

Where did I judge her though or say I was above mom or daughter ?
Right, nowhere. I gave it as an example as to where we are different. I said we don’t have any common interests, that’s about it.

Op, what a dreadful situation. An awful woman convinced your parents they were grandparents when she knew they might not be. It is unsurprising that your parents had bonded with the toddler & wanted to continue to think of her as their granddaughter, however I don’t blame any of you for not wanting to pretend that she is related. I would probably just tell your children that she is a family friend & continue not to invite them to family occasions.
Does she not see her actual dad or any of her real grandparents?

Your posts are dripping with judgment 😂

Although I'm not 100 per cent convinced this is real

Reading between the lines a bit maybe your parents aren't wonderful and amazing but hardcore religous (convincing Y not to have an abortion, not supporting you as a child as they were off doing charity work to make themselves look good, possibly this might contribute to Prison Brother's MH) and the relationship they have with the child is driving the point home for you? Your description reminds me of US deep south religous nutters that you find on instagram.

Tbh if they convinced Y not to have an abortion then they should be helping out, i would let your kids call her a cousin but let them understand that they're not related. I have lots of family members that are not related so i wouldn't worry about this aspect but i would find your parents in general very odd.

Just as a friendly note for next time, it's really much easier for people to understand if you use fake names instead of letters of the alphabet. Better yet, call them sister, mother etc but it names are needed just make them up.

Cleary the mother and daughter have needs and it's great that OPs parents are being so kind, and get so much out of it. But that doesn't make them actual family to the parents, let alone everyone else. It's daft that OP is criticised for organising and hosting family events that exclude this mother and child. That is what this post is about, not whether you should be kind to others and so on.

😂😂😂😂😂

The irony of this thread

Why mention benefits, or her being held back a year?
Your brothers a druggy criminal OP, and you're a judgemental nasty piece of work. I'd start working on YOU before judging another mother.
And yes you have judged her, time and time again.

Still, by not being biologically related to you the child will have hopefully avoided the Be An Absolute Cunt gene which appears to be prevalent amongst your wider family. Not in your parents though, they seem to be the only decent ones in this sorry shitshow.

Again, I gave it as an example as to why we are different and have a hard time finding common ground. Different doesn’t mean better.
I don’t care if anyone has n my family is smart or successful, since they are, well, family.

Where did I judge her though or say I was above mom or daughter ?
Right, nowhere.

Oh come on, Op, your posts about the mother and her child just drip with judgement and how beneath you and all the other successful, well educated people in your family they are.

Yes this, be careful what you wish for. This girl will be 15 or 16 when that baby of yours is 7 or 8. You might find you want to keep her onside.

Op I can't even be bothered to put in quotes of what you have said. But you sound a horribly pretentious and completely lacking in empathy person.. Your parents have taken a child into their lives that love and care about.

Learn from them. I doubt you will.

So you find it hard to see common ground because an 8 year old is not smart, and was held back but your brother who has a limited education and committed quite a serious crime given he’s been in prison for close to a decade, that’s … fine?

Thanks, that’s probably a good stance.
Maybe I’m a bit sour since my parents did struggle to embrace my husband and even myself since we’re not religious enough for their liking.

Why though ?

fair play to your parents for standing by this child! and fair play to your brother for also standing by the child!

you however are not very nice

Imagine having a drug addict felon as a close relative but feeling smug that you’re better than an 8 year old because she isn’t middle class, was held back a year and isn’t smart enough.
You’re pathetic OP.

And no your 2 year old and 4 month old aren’t nice and smiley at people because “you taught them”.

you resent the fact that your parents left you as a child to your fend for yourself while this little child are being shown the attention and care that perhaps they didn’t show you.

Go get some therapy to sort out your childhood traumas. You are very harsh on your parents and the little girl.

Hurt people hurt others in words, actions and thoughts towards others. You are deeply hurt. Seek help

Be happy for this child.

Because she will play with your 7/8 year old, might babysit act as a role model. With kindness OP your hormones are all over the show, you won't be feeling love towards this girl just now- give it some time....

So here's your chance to be better than them. And accept this child and mum in the way you wish your parents had accepted your DH.

Otherwise you're as bad as them. Though probably worse, unless they also didn't invite your husband to family get togethers.

I also have the impression, they are trying for a “do over” with the girl since they feel like they “failed” with my brother whom they believed to be her father.

Of course my younger brother and I took a back seat during our entire childhood while my parents were dealing with his issues.