AIBU to not feel like my parents chosen grandchild is part of the family

[Happygoluckywifey]

I (32f) have two brothers, T(34m) and V(31). We come from a lower middle class family, but we’re all smart and V and I both graduated from university and live a stable live married with children.

V has had a drug problem in a very long time and has been living a very unstable life. Finally, he was arrested and is currently in prison.
Before he was arrested, he had a girlfriend Y(48f). Y has had a problem with alcohol and lost custody of her three children from three different dads to the respective grandparents.

Shortly after my brother T was arrested, Y realized she was pregnant and claimed T was the father. She thought about terminating the pregnancy but my parents J(62f) and E(63m) as deeply religious people talked her out of it. They supported her throughout the pregnancy, helped her find a small apartment, she got sober and gave birth to a baby girl S(8f). My parents who didn’t have any other grandchildren at that point, treated her like a grandchild and my brother V and I treated her as a niece, although we lived far away and din’t have much contact as she was still a baby.

When Y claimed child support, my brother questioned paternity and a DNA test was done through the court. The test came back negative, my brother T wasn’t the father.
When my parents learned about the test results , S was already 18 months old.
Y told us on Christmas Eve, although I later learned from my grandmother, that my parents had already known for months at that point and I felt manipulated by the timing of telling us. My brother V and me just nodded it off awkwardly back then.

My parents then just decided for themselves, they wanted to keep everything as it was and kept treating S as their grandchild.

My brother V and I have stopped calling us aunt or uncle but otherwise treat Y and S respectfully. They are friendly but don’t fit in very well with us, we have absolutely nothing in common. They are at every family gathering at my parents place, every family holiday. My parents have S stay with them for weeks on end during summer breaks.
Just when my grandmother, my brother or my husband and I are hosting, we don’t invite them, which causes tension with my parents.
Now my brother and I have both had kids who are started getting attached to S and I feel like I have to make a decision to embrace them or not and what to tell S and my children who they are to each other.

I don’t want to punish S since it’s not her fault she doesn’t have family but I also think it was wrong of my parents to push this on us.
So AIBU to feel like S and Y are not part of the family ?

The child exists because your parents encouraged/pressured her not to abort.

Their long term involvement is entirely appropriate- if they stepped back I would judge them.

Your involvement is your business, but you can’t require your parents to agree. Personally I would bond with the child better, if I stopped feeling cross with her parents and your parents. I think that’s the problem.

And every time the rest of you discuss it, you are embedding your negative perspective.

Me too and you said, "Them", which made it sound as though there was more than one, you could have said, "Her".

You are quite mean. I think your parents are lovely and to all intents and purposes, she is your children's cousin. Use a bit of love for goodness sake, this little girl is the innocent party.

I was an adopted child, 74 years ago, and despite ups and downs I was always part of the family, had cousins etc, still do.

Would you also be snobby towards an 8 year old child who wasn't clever enough for your liking?

I'm struggling to believe this. Purely because of the callousness and coldness in the posts from OP

We’re all highly educated, successfully people and she is, sorry to say, not the brightest. Can’t engage in any conversations, she still feels like a stranger who gets to join every gig.

She maybe feels she's similarly lowering herself by consorting with a family one of whom (her ex) has/had a raging drug problem and is in jail for ... what it you said, armed robbery?

I was going to stay out of this one but I think it sounds your parents might be the stability in this little girl’s world.
Hopefully her mum doesn’t still have an alcohol problem but the little girl could have foetal alcohol syndrome which will cause her challenges in life. It’s possible your parents are keeping the mum on track to be the best parent she can this time round.
Yes the mum and her daughter might not fit in with your family picture but a bit of kindness doesn’t hurt. You don’t have to seek her out, you don’t have to love her mum like a sister but politeness won’t kill you and is a good example to your children.

This, through and through.

Also, no need to list H B A V T O

JUST SAY SISTER, BROTHER, PARENTS

Or DS DB etc etc.

Your post is very hard to read and some of your sentences don't make sense.

Oh no, do your parents keep playing nice with the thick common folk? Are you perhaps worried what share of the inheritance S will steal from your poor MC children's hands?

@BorisJohnsonsWigGlue Your post is very hard to read and some of your sentences don't make sense.

You must be mistaken, she’s highly educated and very successful.

@Happygoluckywifey i think you have to tell your parents that you are very happy they want to continue a relationship with this child and her mum, if that’s their choice.

But that being a family friend does not make this woman and her child relatives… you are not her aunt and your children are not cousins.

Then manage the relationship accordingly.

You sound horrible, this kid clearly has some additional needs.

I couldn’t care less for money. Besides my parents don’t have any. I don’t feel entitled to anybody’s money.

'We’re all highly educated, successfully people and she is, sorry to say, not the brightest. Can’t engage in any conversations, she still feels like a stranger who gets to join every gig.'

@Happygoluckywifey

Highly educated, but struggles to shove a sentence together she muddles up every other character?

Also education doesn't equal a good person. I'd rather be 'not the brightest spark' than me a horrible person excluding a poor child out of a family, with no where else to go.

Crack on with your own kids. I can see you being the nightmare MIL when they bring partners home if they haven't got an oxbridge masters. No one cares how educated you are, apart from you.

I don’t know if she has. She was never diagnosed with anything and I was told the mom didn’t drink during pregnancy but of course I don’t know.

We’re all highly educated, successfully people

Including the brother currently in prison? Not sure I'd call that a success.

So you don't see them often but only at family gatherings your parents host...you mention your high education. Who's to say your child/children won't grow up very bright? It's highly judgemental to say that about a CHILD. Maybe your aren't worthy of being an honary aunt to a child through no fault of her own.

Jeez I need a G&T after that alphabet soup!

This child exists largely because of the influence of your parents and their religious propaganda. It's the least they can do to continue to support them 🤷‍♀️

I’m on my phone and English is not my mother tongue. Talk about being judgy.

As mentioned I am friendly when her and her mom are around, I gift them stuff on the holidays like everyone else I just don’t seek them out.

Is the 8 year old aware your brother isn't her Dad ?

You say you're all highly educated successful people..

Erm, you realise being a drug addict, a criminal, and being in prison isn't really that successful 😂

And the people you are calling stupid and judging are:

a tiny, vulnerable child

someone suffering with addiction, a disease, trying her best.

Doesn’t feel good when people judge you though, does it?

I honestly don’t know who she believes to be her father. I don’t think it’s my place to talk to her about it. She calls my parents granny and grandpa.

I'm with you OP.
To the person upthread who says the 8 year old has no family - she has 3 siblings (albeit residing with 3 different respective grandparents). She will also have family on her mothers side.

And yes, she deceived your entire family. She stated at the outset unequivocally that your DB was the child’s father. (She must have had doubts but chose not to express them or be honest).

(If I was being uncharitable, itmight even appear that she has engineered the situation with your parents)

I too would struggle in exactly the way you are.

Your husband isn't actually a member of the family either. You chose him. You chose to make him family. And your family accepted him and treat him as a member of the family, even though they probably don't love him or value his company.
These are people that were chosen to join your family and have been in your family for 8 years. You don't have to love them but treat them how you would expect your husband to be treated.

Well he hasn’t got the same education. His problems started with the wrong friends when he was a young teen. He managed to finish school but that’s it. I judge him for never embracing therapy and of course his deeds were very wrong even if commuted under acute mental health problems. He surely is not above anyone else.