Large sum of money being given to sibling

[Zippy27]

To set the scene: there is a 12 year age gap between myself and my brother; I am the older sibling. My brother has had a lot of help financially with uni costs (I didn't go) including rent. I was given 5k from my parents for my wedding 14 years ago. However, my brother's rented accommodation has recently been put up for sale and the landlord has offered it to him to buy. He will have a mortgage but it turns out my parents will give him 90k for the deposit. When I say give, I do mean give - not a loan, they won't own part of the house - he is just being given it. It is half of their 180k savings. Both parents are retired. I have been told that when they make a will, it will state that myself and my brother will have half each of what they have BUT it will be stipulated that I will get 90k before the rest is divided up. However, as this may well be in 20 years' time, this doesn't seem at all fair to me. Who knows what their financial situation will be by then. My Dad justifies it by saying that they weren't in a financial position to give me that sort of money when my husband and I bought our house, which I'm sure is true, but surely this is still grossly unfair? We're not exactly living in a mansion and the house we have lived in for over 10 years still needs a new bathroom amongst other things. Would anyone else by severely pied off in this situation? My Dad explained that it isn't because my brother is "the favourite" (he is and always has been) but because he is "high maintenance". I am so hurt, angry and disappointed that I haven't spoken to or messaged my parents or brother since I was told about this 5 or 6 weeks ago. For context, my parents live across the road. They don't even give enough of a sh to contact me and find out why I have stopped visiting (probably because they know). Would anyone else be upset by this situation?

Don’t know what to say to you @Zippy27

Except to say that family mean more than money and making yourself bitter to the core is really only going to be harmful to you, your husband and children.

If you didn’t choose to go to Uni at the preordained time, that was up to you, equally if you didn’t choose to do a masters and PhD which I’m sure your parents would have supported you with?

No idea why you did Open Uni part time and paid rent if you were aware they were supporting your brother…. Why didn’t you ask for equal treatment?

Is he earning more than you now due to higher qualification or is he unable to due to his health?

If you want the 90k now you need to have an adult conversation with your parents about how hurtful all of this is and how you feel taken for granted and dismissed. To some extent they may want/have to support your brother more because of his health and the fact that he won’t have a partner to support him and contribute to housing costs as you have.

If you are intent upon being bitter and cutting off contact, you are going to end up with no family and no inheritance, rather than an equal but delayed inheritance.

So, really the ball is in your court to raise concerns maturely in a measured manner. Being emotional will not get you heard.

of course, if one child has needs like disabilities then fine. Or small sums that are given out to children at diffenrtvtimes to meet different needs. Quite common for parents who’ve got IHT looming to start gifting to kids based on who needs what and when. I will need to do same in a few years if I live that long!

the OPs case is that they're taking a massive chunk of their savings into deposit on big house for employed and seemingly not special needed brother. They will not be able to do the same for daughter without massively taking a financial risk. Frankly it’s crazy they’d give this amount form their savings in first place.

So, in terms of unfairness, what if she becomes sick in a year time and can no longer work? What if she develops a disability and needs house adaptation..or becomes unemployed and out of work, or both parents do, or her dh has accident at work

or, or, or the hundred and one calamities we are all just one moment or pay days away from in our lives.

I sure know as I have reached my 60s that pretty much everyone has their crosses to bear, and life throws shit around fairly when we last spect it, from direction we never thought would happen.

To say that one child’s needs are higher than another, is naive and short sighted. Even where one child has legitimate needs. You never, ever, know what is around the corner. Just because you’re happily married and healthy doesn’t mean you won’t be divorced next year, and having chemo and can’t work 🤷🏼‍♀️

Over and over in MN threads there’s this scenario, parents spending huge % of their savings supporting one child, who sometimes doesn’t need it any more than the other, and that they are completely ignore other children who could have desperate need for part of that gift, later on, they’ve already given away .

And I still hold that the underlying reasons parents do this, particularly for sons, is that they’re buying their love and attention. Parents fear that their children won’t prioritise them, especially men who’ve not been raised by society to “be kind” like most men women are. The daughter here is already physically near her parent and have a close relationship- they don’t feel they need to “buy” her love in same way as sons. Or bribe. Or emotionally blackmail. Choose your own phrase. I’m not saying they actively do this, it’s even by a fear, an urge to keep that child close and dependant on them.

only you know your and “supported” sibling situation. With all respect if there’s an 3rd sibling you won’t know truly they think. People are very very reticent to admit to feelings of jealousy even to themselves, for fear of breaking that sibling bond.

@Jessieshome as I said pandering helps no one!

Similar here although not in the region of £90k, but it's not just the money, it's everything when it's a Golden Sibling. We've moved away (luckily the kids were only in lower primary school years so easy to do). Golden Sibling will now be responsible for all the inlaw needs as they age (although I expect they'll move into the inlaw's large house).

What we've realised is that we're teaching our children healthy job/career/finance skills because we've had to develop these ourselves. Thinking forward, the inlaws dying won't adversely affect our ability to pay our way in life, it could really affect Golden Sibling and they won't have a safety net to bail them out then. We live too far away to offer any sort of practical support we might feel pressured to do, so they'll be on their own.

Edited for typos

My brother is 12 years younger than me (as original post clearly states) so when I did my degree he was still at primary school…

Such a divisive topic.
I am the scapegoat child and expect to receive nothing from my parents. My older golden child sibling will get the lot. He is also the wealthiest of all of us, doesn't need a penny from them. I don't resent him in the least. He didn't choose my parent's favouritism and has been forced into being the one who gets to look after them, by them giving him POA.

Families are odd and often deeply unpleasant to each other. You cannot control what others do, only how you respond to them.

I defended your parents decision and if you actually read posts you will see I've said my parents had no money to leave for me or my siblings. Their savings just about covered the funeral.

Maybe accuracy isn't your thing? So much easier to make it up as you go isn't it.

OP people are being deliberately obtuse. I also have a large age gap between me and youngest sibling. They've received a vast amount of practical and financial help, and myself very little at all. On one hand I can understand that circumstances are different now, on the other hand, what is stopping them divvying out time and money more equally now? Some people just don't get that parents have favorites, or they get it and think it's fine. I honestly find it best to just zone out and keep everything superficial, getting upset about it doesn't help.

I feel you OP. My SIL was given a 250k house by our in-laws. My husband will get the same value of their house when they die... if it's not eaten up by care homes/they haven't spent it.

She on the face needs it more. We are 'doing okay'. But half of that amount of money would've vastly changed our quality of life and given us security for the future. I would never have asked them for anything, they are not my relatives, but I think it's so cruel to do to siblings. I would never do it to my kids.

Christ. Have you any idea how truly awful you sound.

Brother
gets education up to phd paid for including rent
gets 90k

Sister
5k
childcare once a week when little
paid her parents rent whilst studying and working

I mean clearly there is a favouring of the brother, a single person doesn’t actually need a 3 bed detached house. Even if they had said to OP, “look he’s a single person so we are giving him 50k towards a deposit and you get 40k as you have kids” that would have been a bit more understandable. But nope they are giving him 90k for a house that is much more than he needs and yes will be expecting OP to do the running around for them as they get older. Tbh they really should be keeping that money, they will probably need it,

It’s more about what the money means in terms of love. In the absence of actual need it should always be equal. He doesn’t actually need 90k, OP’s parents want him to have it. If someone has communicated clearly to you that you have lower value than a sibling then why on earth would you be spending decades of your own life caring so that no-one bothers the golden child. You don’t really get it unless you’ve been in that dynamic.

Another nail on the head post here, thank you, this sums it up nicely.

It helped my brother, what are you not hearing when I say he would be dead?

I didn't actually realise the exact meaning of pander, I would never have used the words immoral or distasteful to describe it's meaning.

My parents excepted every phone call, listens to all his emotions, drove around after him hundreds of miles in the middle of the night sometimes, fixed things, paid for things anytime night of day, never ever ignored any of his wants requests or needs, perhaps they could have ignored some - that's what I mean by pandering, they almost certainly could have ignored some he almost certainly took advantage once or twice or got used to them picking up his pieces. But they never knew which occasion they could get away with ignoring or which occasion would have lost them their son.

I don't know why you have chosen to get so annoyed and angry with mine and my parents experience of keeping my brother alive and off the streets?

Very similar situation here. My DB has been given the family home (he's a property developer and already owns three other houses, including my GP's house that he bought at less than the market rate). My DPs have said that I will inherit the same value when they die. Of course I hope that is a very long time away, but there is every chance that what is left will be needed for care. I had a few days of feeling upset, but realized that because I will never let DPs know how unfair it is (DM would be devastated), I just have to forget about it. Because I did better academically than my DB, DM has always felt that DB needed more help. Even now, when he's in a far, far better financial position. Frustrating!

@Jessieshome why are not understanding what pandering is?

Is not a positive!

I've clearly explained what pandering means!

Perhaps don't use words you don't know the meaning of?

Exactly- we have financial ties and debts. But I don’t go crying to my parents for them to bail us out, wouldn’t have dreamt of asking.

I think it's awful you have not been speaking to your parents over this. They have basically made the decision to give him his inheritance early so he can get on the housing ladder. They have also earmarked the same amount to you in their will prior to any division of the estate. Sounds fair to me.
If they both died tomorrow, would you be happy with your decision not to speak to them for 4 weeks over some petty 'he got more than me' quabble with your younger brother? Do you even get on with your parents? Seems so pathetic

I wouldn't have issues with parents helping my DSis "more", I would be happy to know she got support needed.
In our case my parents have helped us as needed when needed and we are not keeping tabs.

How would the parents feel if anything happened to the OP? Would they feel awful that they'd upset her so much, that she feels this strongly?

I do think it’s awful.

He’s a grown man, with a PHD and could afford to buy a house - ok so maybe a deposit of the house is valued at £180,000 they could’ve given him £18K deposit to help him out - I take it he earns well?

I do think it’s extremely unfair of you parents to do this, and not even see the grandchildren, they clearly care so little

You do know about deprivation of assets, which is very relevant to this situation? If people give away large sums of money and later need State care, this can be refused if they have given away large sums of money from their savings. It can be construed as deliberate avoidance of paying care home fees, and I think you'll find there is a 'ceiling' on the amount of money people are allowed to give away in any tax year.

If OP's parents are thinking of gifting money, they should get financial advice first, otherwise it may preclude them from benefits later, should they need them.

I did admit I didn't realise it's exact meaning and explained what I thought it meant?

Why are you bring so angry with me? What a mean person.

@Zippy27

Did your parent’s financial situation dramatically improve by the time he was of university age?

If so, you can’t exactly blame them, or say it is favouritism. If they were able they would have provided the same opportunity for you, would they not?

If you have a partner to support you and contribute to the mortgage and they’ve given, and may continue to give you support with care for children you could say the support is comparable…

They also made the decision to charge OP rent whilst she paid for her own degree and to pay for DB to do three degrees whilst paying for his rent.

You also you don't need a £90k deposit to "get on the housing ladder" even if DB is insisting on a three bedroom £260k detached house.

And £90k set aside now may or may not exist in ten to twenty years depending on whether DB makes further requests or if there are care needs for parents. And even if it does it will be worth a damp sight less than it is now while DB has got his put into an appreciating asset.

It's getting hard to tell if people aren't RTFT or just being obtuse.

I agree, giving away half your savings is risky. But we don’t know what their pension income is - if it’s anything like my (boomer, final salary pensions, early retirement) parents then they can’t spend it all 😂

In the case of my parents what’s been given, while a six figure sum over the years I am sure, hasn’t impacted their lifestyle or security. I think parents do it because they are programmed to want to help their children - certainly that’s why mine have done it - not to buy affection. That seems a very cynical outlook to me.

My parents don’t like / want to see him struggling when they can easily afford to help. As I and my other sibling aren’t struggling we don’t need the help, and dont resent them spending their money on what makes them happy.

I completely understand that some people will feel it’s inherently unfair, and that everything should be equal. But I take a needs based view, and am just grateful I am not in a position to need their support.

As for your last paragraph, I think that says more about you than it does me and my siblings. I can be completely confident that the other one who hasn’t had the same level of assistance feels same as me because we have talked about it. He’s probably more financial secure than me as not only has he achieved a lot professionally so has his wife. The fact that our brother has had a large amount of support because he needed it, and we haven’t because we didn’t, really is not an issue for us.