Large sum of money being given to sibling

[Zippy27]

To set the scene: there is a 12 year age gap between myself and my brother; I am the older sibling. My brother has had a lot of help financially with uni costs (I didn't go) including rent. I was given 5k from my parents for my wedding 14 years ago. However, my brother's rented accommodation has recently been put up for sale and the landlord has offered it to him to buy. He will have a mortgage but it turns out my parents will give him 90k for the deposit. When I say give, I do mean give - not a loan, they won't own part of the house - he is just being given it. It is half of their 180k savings. Both parents are retired. I have been told that when they make a will, it will state that myself and my brother will have half each of what they have BUT it will be stipulated that I will get 90k before the rest is divided up. However, as this may well be in 20 years' time, this doesn't seem at all fair to me. Who knows what their financial situation will be by then. My Dad justifies it by saying that they weren't in a financial position to give me that sort of money when my husband and I bought our house, which I'm sure is true, but surely this is still grossly unfair? We're not exactly living in a mansion and the house we have lived in for over 10 years still needs a new bathroom amongst other things. Would anyone else by severely pied off in this situation? My Dad explained that it isn't because my brother is "the favourite" (he is and always has been) but because he is "high maintenance". I am so hurt, angry and disappointed that I haven't spoken to or messaged my parents or brother since I was told about this 5 or 6 weeks ago. For context, my parents live across the road. They don't even give enough of a sh to contact me and find out why I have stopped visiting (probably because they know). Would anyone else be upset by this situation?

Actually, what you really mean is that you do not like being told that you have no right at all to anyone's money, and that you are stamping your foot because your brother is getting something you might not get for a few years.
Because, you are not entitled to anything. You are jelous of your brother, but from your description, he has issues. Why wouldn't your parents want to help?
Of course, he doesn't need 3 bedroomed house according to you; maybe he might have a family in the future
But at the end of the day, like it or not, you won't get a proper scho chamber here; some do not expect anything

I think your parents are trying to be fair by acknowledging it in their will so you will eventually get the same amount as your brother, but they worry about him more and feel that without this big deposit he would struggle to buy a decent property.

I can sympathise with their thought process and ultimately, it is their money to give away when & how they wish. However, I’m sure they would rather you spoke to them about your feelings than felt silent resentment. Have a chat with them and be honest. Maybe they will be able to explain it better so it makes sense to you.

As a parent myself of adult children I can tell you that we worry so much about our children being independent and financially ok. Maybe your parents worry that your brother wouldn’t be able to achieve this on his own? Whereas they see you as the stronger one who doesn’t “need” their financial support so much.

@Meadowfinch Excellently expressed

Why are people so entitled?

It’s not your money, it’s your parents, how they spend it is how they spend it and they don’t have to be fair. If you get left something to inherits then that’s nice, if you don’t, then unlucky.

Not talking to them because they’ve given your brother the money is just petty. Get over yourself and get on with your life.

They probably see you as sorted out and settled. I doubt he's actually the favourite, sounds more like he has lots of issues and they are worried about him.

Wow. You don't think that letter is going to cause a fall out? Would you realy send such a letter to your?

Obviously this is unfair.

On a point of fact though, if you are funding a deposit for a child then you need to sign to say it is a gift otherwise it will reduce the amount of mortgage they can have.

I have gifted one of my children a deposit (the other one does not yet want to buy) and I had to do this otherwise it would have impacted the mortgage.

This is us - from both sides for time and money.

Not sure what DH & I have done to deserve it and we've ignored a lot, let things go, put a positive spin on stuff but on reflection it starts to add up a lot.

My brother fails to save, ever, gets to 50 needs to buy and my mum gifts 50k from the sky.
I've firmly insisted she matches this now for me. She's not happy, not at all and is doing all sorts of mental gymnastics to justify why and how a single man with long term alcohol & smoking might need it rather than a family with teens.

The in-laws are way more reactive to their other kids and GCS.
We live a distance away but others would have priority for overnights. My kids would never spend time alone with them, other cousins, with more vocal needs, would always be there before,during or after.

So ironically by creating a strong, tight family unit, we have poorer wider family connections. I guess the grandparents are compensating for poor parenting but they have become poor grandparents instead.

I feel quite bitter about it all. And resent any efforts I made with the lot of them in the past.

Another way of looking at it: They've given him the money because he needs it now, because he's been made homeless. (A new bathroom is not comparable.) They recognise the money imbalance and will reflect it in their wills.

What complicates this is what appears to be a more general pattern of favouritism. Concentrate your efforts on how they treat you day to day and challenge them about any unfair treatment. Sounds like you're both giving each other the silent treatment, which won't help the situation at all.

You have 'insisted'?
Wow. Your poor parents.

Sorry OP I believe your parents are behaving really badly here. They shouldn’t be giving him such a life changing amount of money, for a property size he just doesn’t need. I agree they are pandering to him, and it’s hard to know what £90k may mean in the future. I think I would ask them to ensure it is protected from inflation and possible care home fees as well - they should be able to do this via a solicitor. I think their willingness to do this might soften my feelings.

Whilst I understand that some
people on here will be along to say it’s their money to do as they wish, but it’s divisive and hurtful to be the sibling that’s left out.

I assume it will be your brother stepping in to help as they get older and need help in return?

With kindness you need to not keep tally of what they give to who. They can give it all to him if they so choose. We’re in a similar position with FIL mainlining his bank account into BIL’s. Cliche but the fastest way to make yourself unhappy is to look at what someone else has. You’re not entitled to 50%, it’s theirs to spend as they choose. It’s hard but you need to find a way to let it go or it will make you unhappy.

I think you sound quite grabby.

I suspect the posters responding who think the OPs situation is fair, are the ones who are on the receiving end of all their parents financial and practical support, so are jumping on here to justify why that’s ok. It’s not.

Sounds similar to my husbands family. The brother was bought his house, outright. But, he blames then for trapping him. (there's far more too in this case, he never paid a penny in cm, his mother paid it all, as another example. He also had the gall to declare it unfair that his ex wife got more money every month from his parents than he did, suggesting he also got some kind of allowance. The man is in his 50s!)

My dhs approach? Let them get on with it. The money isn't actually freely given, weird little codependent strings are attached to it. What actually hurts my dh is the blatant favouritism. Every Christmas, eatser, or occasion its him they arrange to see, not my dh. Sometimes we may get a new year invite to 'even things out' . That's not a given, either! And my dh runs a successful business and has won industry awards for what he does. Whenever he meets his parents friends (not very often nowadays, granted) they ask if he's the musician. Nope, he's not. But then, nor is his brother. He's a layabout that trashed his gifted house by converting it to a 'music studio' that no one uses, unless it's to smoke weed in. Go figure.

And pp is absolutely right. The minute anything goes wrong with the house, the parents pay to sort it. They even wash and iron his bedlinen and if they notice is getting a bit worse for wear, replace it (with the white company million thread count Egyptian cotton!).

Dh wants nothing to do with this craziness!

Another believer in tranactional relationships. 'I will only look after you in old age if you;
Give me money now
Leave me money/house/land when you die
Take care of your grandchildreb 12 hours a day, 5 days a week

"My brother fails to save, ever, gets to 50 needs to buy and my mum gifts 50k from the sky.
I've firmly insisted she matches this now for me. She's not happy, not at all and is doing all sorts of mental gymnastics to justify why and how a single man with long term alcohol & smoking might need it rather than a family with teens."

As a parent to four grown-up children, I can tell you that it really doesn't matter to us why one might be unable to achieve in life. We love them despite all of the issues you describe and want to help if we can. We will never say 'it's your own fault so I am not helping you' if we have the means to help.

I'm surprised you can't see that your mum has scraped together £50k to help her single, adult son who is in his 50s and still doesn't have secure housing whereas her daughter is happily married, with a family, in her own home.

I think it is awful that you are 'firmly insisting' that she gives you the same. She is giving according to need. You are not children who need the same number of Easter eggs.

I geniunely wouldnt be upset by this but my circs are different.
My mortgage is so massive it wouldnt make much of a dent and i like my younger brother who is not a home owner and has had a hard(ish) run so would be happy he had the security.

The 3 key points to me are

1. The 12 year gap
2. Your parents have 180k savings total. 90k is a huge drain.
3. Your anger / frustration shpuld be directed at your DB.

It is SO much harder for ftbs now e.g. people in their 20s vs in their 30s, 30s v40s etc to get on the ladder.So i get why they want to help and feel maybe you are "okay"

Spending their frankly limited saving is stupidity unless their house is wildly valuable.

If the money means that much to you revisit it and say youd like the will to reglect 4% interest on 90k from 2024 and thats the amount you want. Or say you'd like part of it now the rest in the will.

I imagine it be a grossly uncomfortable conversation whatever happens.

Your brother is taking the piss. But it sounds like he has problems in general if he is renting a 3 bed as a single man.

I suspect that you suspect incorrectly. What a very rude and simplistic attitude. Some people, monied or not, can recognise un-adult behaviour and entitlement

Exactly 'oh you should be so happy you have a huge mortgage for a tiny house, and you and your dh work 40 hours a week each, lucky you! Your poor dB who now lives in a mortgage free house who's just never found a job he likes... he's got the hard life'.

Be more like @NeelaBlue , people.
That's what a kind person sound like

@NeelaBlue has put my feelings more succinctly

But again.... I am financially okay, older thany sibling, have a family and know i can support myself

I am doing this or similar. My eldest is getting 250k to buy a small flat if we haven't already bought him one by the time of our death, before the rest of our money is divided. His portion of the remaining money then goes into trust, whilst the other kids will get their money.

It's not because I like or love him best. It's because he has SEN that means he will probably never work more than a few hours a week if that, he will have care costs etc. Whereas barring something terrible happening, my other kids will go to uni, find partners, and live productive lives.

I hope my children understand this isn't favouritism but about trying to give him the only chance he will get of having a space of his own and stability.

I have 3 siblings and my parents (divorced) have been helping out each of us at different points in our life. I know my dad keeps track and I believe whatever he gave us will be considered for inheritance when the times come, but he's still helped out some of my siblings a lot more than me. My mum doesn't and pretty she's given loads to my sisters.

It bothered at first, but over the years I learned to separate my relationship with my parents from money. I don't want to know, I'm not relying on any inheritance and yes - it's their money. There is a lot more to our relationship than that, and it's worth a lot more in my opinion.