Large sum of money being given to sibling

[Zippy27]

To set the scene: there is a 12 year age gap between myself and my brother; I am the older sibling. My brother has had a lot of help financially with uni costs (I didn't go) including rent. I was given 5k from my parents for my wedding 14 years ago. However, my brother's rented accommodation has recently been put up for sale and the landlord has offered it to him to buy. He will have a mortgage but it turns out my parents will give him 90k for the deposit. When I say give, I do mean give - not a loan, they won't own part of the house - he is just being given it. It is half of their 180k savings. Both parents are retired. I have been told that when they make a will, it will state that myself and my brother will have half each of what they have BUT it will be stipulated that I will get 90k before the rest is divided up. However, as this may well be in 20 years' time, this doesn't seem at all fair to me. Who knows what their financial situation will be by then. My Dad justifies it by saying that they weren't in a financial position to give me that sort of money when my husband and I bought our house, which I'm sure is true, but surely this is still grossly unfair? We're not exactly living in a mansion and the house we have lived in for over 10 years still needs a new bathroom amongst other things. Would anyone else by severely pied off in this situation? My Dad explained that it isn't because my brother is "the favourite" (he is and always has been) but because he is "high maintenance". I am so hurt, angry and disappointed that I haven't spoken to or messaged my parents or brother since I was told about this 5 or 6 weeks ago. For context, my parents live across the road. They don't even give enough of a sh to contact me and find out why I have stopped visiting (probably because they know). Would anyone else be upset by this situation?

Parents do have favourites (pp example of the gift of a Mulberry bag vs £20 is a clear example of that) and those who are upset about this kind of thing generally have a history of different treatment throughout their lives in some way or another.

People are rarely put out if it ‘s actually fair. My parents have an unequal will but it’s for a good reason so it doesn’t bother any of us (I’m expecting to be written out anyway).

OP is bothered because she feels she has been treated unfairly over a long period of time.

I only have one child but if I had two I would still be striving to treat them as fairly as possible. Only circumstances like disability etc would lead me to treat them differently. I would never want one of my kids to believe they were less valued or loved than their sibling. Besides circumstances change all the time. My personal circumstances are very different to how they were ten years ago.

They have also earmarked the same amount to you in their will prior to any division of the estate. Sounds fair to me.

But that is a false promise given that they haven’t even made a will yet!

When they eventually get around to doing one (if ever), they may conveniently forget about the 90k gift. They may even decide to leave everything to the prodigal son, if he bends their ear (my DB tried that, unsuccessfully).

Even if the 90k is taken account of, the chance of Op actually getting that amount is probably very small, unless they both die fairly young, prior to any care needs.

You are no worse off financially than you were before you knew about this.
You are worse off emotionally because you are so jealous you are letting it eat you up.
Unless you accept that your parents were trying their best to help their soon to be homeless son, whilst making sure you eventually inherit the same, you will be the loser.

Family relationships matter more than money. Choose to be happy.

I don't think anyones angry with your parents, more sorry for them that one of their dc had them in such manipulative financial throes.. My parents excepted every phone call, listens to all his emotions, drove around after him hundreds of miles in the middle of the night sometimes, fixed things, paid for things anytime night of day, never ever ignored any of his wants requests or needs,

@Zippy27

For instance your wedding money is worth £7,700 today, 5 years childcare for 2 children 1 day per week is £26,000.

If for example he has been given double the amount of deposit because he has no partner (and never will have to pay half the bills)… comparably there isn’t an enormous amount of difference between the £45k and £34k you’ve had.

Looking at it, he has major mental health, probably autistic by the sounds of it, and him being displaced from his home could really destabilise him.

So your parents have stepped in to help prevent this and have given inheritance early.

You meanwhile, do not have major health problems causing disablement, you have a husband to support you emotionally, and financially to pay half the bills.

I think you need to think of this with your adult, rational brain rather than having an emotional response linked to childhood resentment of your brother, no doubt fuelled by your being an only child and the centre of attention for 12 years.

I say again, you are only hurting yourself and your family with this behaviour and potentially cutting your children out of a few hundred thousand in the years to come when your parents pass (taking into account their home and savings).

I would suck it up, talk to your parents like an adult and try to come to some sort of compromise.

Family is worth more than money, it isn’t worth embittering yourself.

Who created this story of the OP's brother having major mental health problems? It's clearly not true.

He wasn’t going to be homeless - he could rent somwhere else or buy somewhere smaller.

Some people find it harder to work and survive.id have been happy if my parents had left my sister more than me.Would you prefer him out on the street? Some people work hard but never have a place of their own.If one doesn't help Some people they will die on the street.Talk about so called enabling isn't helpful.

Why does chosing to live alone in a large house entitle the brother to double? Utterly daft logic.

But sure there need to be groundrules

How much is this house worth considering its a 90k deposit?!! That's not a deposit...unless its a 900k house.

"If you inflate the amount OP got, half the amount he got for the house and completely ignore 3 university degrees, it's almost close... "

A lot of comments making out OP is being petty, grabby and squabbling that he's got more. But it's not like we are talking his slice of cake is bigger, he had more turns than me etc we're talking NINETY GRAND! That is a life changing amount which could help both of them, but the parents are choosing to enhance his life (and its guaranteed, whereas the OP's share is not) and his alone. No matter your feelings about such things the OP is allowed to feel upset by this, especially given some of the other imbalances over the years.

I've helped my youngest DS with a deposit of £55k to add to the £15k he saved up himself. He's single and doesn't earn a lot but works hard and works 40 hours a week. My DD and elder DS already had a house. I gave my elder son £10k towards a deposit several years ago but he bought in a far cheaper area of the country and I bought DD a car for £8500 when her engine blew up and she needed another car to drive DGS to school and to get herself to work. I've helped with nursery fees too for 4 years, 2 years each for both DGS's. I've told older DC and asked them if they objected or were ok with it. They both said they were ok with it. I've also told my younger son he'll get £55k less in our will. DH and I do both gift each DC £1k each per year so they get £2k each year. I can understand why you're upset and I think your parents should have discussed it with you to see how you felt before agreeing to give your brother so much money.

You forgot to add the funding for three degrees to the brother's share and deduct all the rent OP paid while funding her own degree from her share.

I feel for you.

I don’t understand how parents can justify things like this.

Sure, it’s their money but they have two children.

@Robinni it isn't really about the money, it's about the favouritism and the hurt that's caused over the years. The money is just a big kick in the teeth after the rest.
But if you insist on focusing on the numbers, your maths are way off. OP had 2 years of one day a week for DC1 and one year off one day a week for DC2, so a total of 3 years of childcare one day a week. That's 30% of your estimate.
Also you forgot to deduct the rent she paid her parents whilst working and paying for her own degree.
You also forgot to add the funding of his degree, masters and PhD, and the rent they subsidised whilst he was studying.

OP comes across as jealous and bitter,belittling the fact that her brother did PhD, as if PhD is equivalent to lazing around and done to avoid getting a job. She also called her brother everything a "loving" sister would.
That reflects a super unhealthy family dynamics which probably started long before the help with deposit.

I agree...my siblings have always been helped by my mother, they had more than me from them...thousands, i was responsible..they werent...but she helped them. When I was struggling she never helped me once. I mean really struggling. Its not my siblings fault, its the parents tbh. I now earn quite a good wage and thats all down to me and ive got this attitude...let them have it all... because i have done it all alone...i owe not one thanks. When Your parents pass who is your brother gonna ask? . Youll be fine OP. Ive told my mum i want nothing and to share it between the others, but i went NC after for other reasons.

Op any chance you could move yourself at some point , so you’re not so near to your parents?

They have lots of savings as they live a simple life.

So you are likely to receive an inheritance anyway?

What's the point of the oh so important PHD if he still can't afford a house? Sounds like he should have been more responsible and got a job like OP...

@Kinshipug

He doesn’t have a partner to pay half the deposit or to pay half the mortgage.

He’s got serious mental health problems and moving him home could totally destabilise him, lose him his job and make him entirely dependent on the parents again.

If he were my son, I’d consider it cheaper to the alternative.

He can always move them into his house.

@Robinni
"He’s got serious mental health problems and moving him home could totally destabilise him, lose him his job and make him entirely dependent on the parents again."

You've just made all that up, that's in your own world, not the real life of the OP's family.