Large sum of money being given to sibling

[Zippy27]

To set the scene: there is a 12 year age gap between myself and my brother; I am the older sibling. My brother has had a lot of help financially with uni costs (I didn't go) including rent. I was given 5k from my parents for my wedding 14 years ago. However, my brother's rented accommodation has recently been put up for sale and the landlord has offered it to him to buy. He will have a mortgage but it turns out my parents will give him 90k for the deposit. When I say give, I do mean give - not a loan, they won't own part of the house - he is just being given it. It is half of their 180k savings. Both parents are retired. I have been told that when they make a will, it will state that myself and my brother will have half each of what they have BUT it will be stipulated that I will get 90k before the rest is divided up. However, as this may well be in 20 years' time, this doesn't seem at all fair to me. Who knows what their financial situation will be by then. My Dad justifies it by saying that they weren't in a financial position to give me that sort of money when my husband and I bought our house, which I'm sure is true, but surely this is still grossly unfair? We're not exactly living in a mansion and the house we have lived in for over 10 years still needs a new bathroom amongst other things. Would anyone else by severely pied off in this situation? My Dad explained that it isn't because my brother is "the favourite" (he is and always has been) but because he is "high maintenance". I am so hurt, angry and disappointed that I haven't spoken to or messaged my parents or brother since I was told about this 5 or 6 weeks ago. For context, my parents live across the road. They don't even give enough of a sh to contact me and find out why I have stopped visiting (probably because they know). Would anyone else be upset by this situation?

@RainIsCosy it really isn’t your place to be so judgemental.

People can choose to do whatever they wish with their money.

This poster sees that their older children have been able to take advantage of lower house prices and interest rates, and now, with careers more advanced can cope better with the increased cost of living as stands.

She wants to level the playing field for her younger child - who now faces massively increased costs by comparison to siblings when they started out. And is giving inheritance in advance whilst protecting the same amount for the others.

It’s entirely reasonable.

To give the money to the elder two who’ve already had an easy ride would be massive favouritism.

Helping a child when they need it is normal. No doubt if the elder two had need she would help them out too…. But they don’t, just like OP - no need, just greed.

@Noyesnoyes

You can put the money in trust so it accumulates interest and so it can’t be taken into account for care costs.

@Robinni it's not your place to judge OP! You've no right to say if she should be upset or not.

The irony of your post is hilarious. 🤣

@Noyesnoyes

I’m not being judgemental.

It’s the truth - she’s secure, has a husband, money…. She’d like a new bathroom, but that isn’t a ‘need’, it’s a want.

The brother is to be made homeless, and has a history of mental health that is likely to rise again due to being put out of his house.

Rents are rising rapidly, people are being put out of their homes due to this and landlords selling up. They then can’t afford to rent anywhere else (as often even more expensive) and getting on the housing ladder nigh on impossible without a whopping deposit - especially as a single person.

I was in a hotel the other week for lunch, it was filled with people declared homeless due to rising rent/landlord selling. People with jobs and often couples both in work.

The OP IS getting the same amount but is greedy for it now.

@Robinni you are being judgemental!

Try and excuse it however you like, but you are judging.

@Robinni and why does the single man need a three bedroom detached house...... he could rent a flat?

Quite. Irresponsible to be living in that house in the first place. Not even attempting to live within his means and provide for his own future.

I absolutely don’t condone what your parents have done it is indeed extremely unfair. Having said that though, it may be some comfort to know it’s probably not because they love zen more than try love you Op. Usually this kind of thing happens to assuage some sense of hidden guilt parents have towards the child they give more to. They are re easing their consciences that he’s the way he is because they did something wrong bringing him up or whatever. Or that they feel he is genuinely disadvantaged for some real reason and the pity they feel towards him for that is overwhelming. So much so that they can’t rationally see what real fairness looks like. It is in no way a reflection on what they think of you. In fact it’s actually flattering that they respect and admire your own abilities to conduct your life without their financial intervention. Of course it bloody hurts when you look at it from your position though. How are you supposed to appreciate this. Your not you dbs parent with all the attendant guilt or whatever feelings and your not a mind reader. I feel for you Op. Your obviously a pretty together person and they should maybe know how something so seemingly selfish on their part needs full proper and very careful explaining. In the meantime I really hope you can see it’s a them situation and not a ‘you’ one. You’re the best they could hope a daughter could ever be I bet!

Should read - not because they love him more than they love you Op.

I think @Pippetypoppity's post above is very interesting. It certainly made me think again about what has been going on with your parents, @Zippy27. I do hope that viewing things from this very positive angle maybe makes you feel a bit better about things now.

Life isn’t always fair. You know they weren’t in a financial position to give you this kind of cash when you bought your home. They have been up front about giving money to your brother- they haven’t tried to hide it. It is just the way it is.
My mother has given my brother money over the past 10 years which I haven’t had. She also paid for him to go through uni which I didn’t do. It is the way it is and there is no point being pissed off and holding a grudge because at the end of the day you are making yourself feel worse than you need to.
For your own sake you need to let it go, be happy you have made your own way in life and know you are the better person. Living with negative feelings will only damage you.

I am quite astonished by many of the comments here. People saying how unfair it all is. Well here is a fact. It is not YOUR money unless your parents decide to give it to you. What they do with THEIR money is entirely up to them. If I were them I'd be spending it on myself rather than handing it out to entitled money grabbing offspring. (or else leave it to an animal shelter) If they choose to give it away, then it's their choice who they give it too. If they want to help out your sibling then so be it. It might seem unfair, but who ever said life was fair. Unless you earned the money it isn't yours and you have no right to tell other people how to spend it. No right at all.

This is so true. I have 3 boys and I definitely support my eldest more because of my guilt over his mental health issues and bearing a responsibility for his lack of coping skills. I can predict that one day my middle son whom I adore and admire for his independence and competency, will feel less favoured and loved. And I get why the Op’s parents aren’t coming round to explain themselves - what would I say to my younger children that wouldn’t sound like I was slating their brother and condemning him as a loser? It’s an impossible situation…

'If I were them I'd be spending it on myself rather than handing it out to entitled money grabbing offspring.'

I know it's awful that they are pandering to the grabby son isn't it.

@Jewel52 what would I say to my younger children that wouldn’t sound like I was slating their brother and condemning him as a loser? It’s an impossible situation…
So your concern still wouldn't be for their hurt feelings and upset, more that they may think poorly about their favoured sibling?

@Noyesnoyes

I don’t know if you have been in the rental sector… but sometimes you will find that a 3 bed semi or a terrace is charged less than a 1 bedroom apartment in a complex usually due to the user charge and the fact that apartment complexes can come with a car parking space, gym or other facilities.

This was certainly the case when I rented; a 1-2 bed apartment was 2-3x the price of a 2-3 bed terrace or semi-detached house.

There may be an argument he needs an extra bedroom for someone to stay if his condition deteriorates - I don’t know, OP hasn’t mentioned the specifics of his mental health.

She also hasn’t mentioned the specifics of his job; whether he is part time and what his wage is. At any rate, you can find at the moment as the rental sector has gone to shit thanks to Jeremy Hunt’s tax hikes, that people are in the position of being unable to meet price hike for 3 bed, go to look for a smaller property and find this is out of range too…

It’s why so many are declaring themselves homeless at the moment.

At the end of the day the OP’s parents have stated they are leaving the same money to her too, there is a simple legal way of protecting it for her and ensuring it will increase with inflation. And there is a strong legal argument that giving her it now would be seen as deprivation of assets, whereas this isn’t the case for her brother.

This.
So true!!

@Robinni again...........

What happens if the rest of the money goes in care fees?

You keep avoiding that point!

@Noyesnoyes

What are you on about???

The parents give the son 90k now.

They put 90k in trust for OP and make sure it accumulates through time….
=> it can’t be touched for care fees!!!

This is why my advice to op is to get over her disgruntlement, because it’s extremely easy to go with her parents and sign a document with solicitor to protect her inheritance.

Seriously, so many people have money in trust for their kids or have their homes as Ltd companies with kids as directors to avoid inheritance tax/paying care home fees.

@Robinni so who is going to pay for your care then?

The state?

Op I could have written your post save for the fact I have the younger sister not brother, the money in question was over double that given to your brother and dsis’s circumstances were different.

it has taken me some time to come to a state of peace over the whole thing not least because my dad was subsequently blasé about getting the will sorted (I basically had to hold a gun to his head to get it revised and he still complained about the admin costs 🤦‍♀️)

Lessons I have learned / coping strategy has been: 1. I do not want to spend the final decade/s of my parents’ lives bickering over money as at the end of the day I love them very much. 2. I get why they did it. They were right to help dsis out, any other parent with a heart in the same situation would, and I admit that if they had done the same for me and db they would have had no money left, and 3. It hasn’t exactly been plain sailing for dsis as she feels beholden to my parents, and df in particular feels as if he has some stake in my dsis’s personal and financial decisions so she feels kind of trapped. She has admitted that she would do anything to just pay the money back and have a sense of autonomy again.

hope this helps in some way. But allow yourself to feel validated in your feelings here. It could have blown my relationship with my parents apart if I’d let it. For the record, dsis knows nothing of my thoughts on all this - I wouldn’t want it to add to her burden.

I think you need to get over yourself. Your parents are doing what feels right for their own peace of mind. It’s their hard-earned money, not yours.

Of course its wrong. I have 3 children and I’d never dream of doing this. Your parents have burned their bridges.

@Noyesnoyes

Legal paths are open to people to allow them to transfer money to children, unless there is a crackdown on that - which there won’t be as gov want these pathways open to themselves - OP’s parents and indeed anyone is free to organise their finances accordingly.

Be aware that while care in the community is chargeable in England, it is free in other U.K. regions and people can be temporary resident in a care home for up to 12-18 months (not chargeable) most only live a few years when moved to a care home.

As to my personal situation, it isn’t any of your business, please don’t switch to attacking me just because I’ve shown OP is not disadvantaged in any way by contrast to her brother - provided arrangements are made legally and not left casually

Without getting into personal circumstances with posters here, nursing/hospital fees are rarely covered by any pension these days.

In our region which covers aust/NZ, most now have extra charges for ‘superior’ rooms which needs to be met from private income. There are no standard rooms or rates.