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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my husband is an areshole

153 replies

Lilyrose23 · 03/09/2022 13:08

Yesterday our son fractured his knee and is having emergency surgery on Monday. DH was on the way to the airport when I found out surgery was happening. I called him to get our health insurance info and briefly explain the surgery. A hurried call as we were at the doctors office and they were waiting for the insurance policy info. DS ( 12) had a massive panic attack at the mention of surgery and it was a hugely stressful morning. The next comms I get from DH is a what’s app phots of a plate of nice food and a large glass of wine with the simple message ‘ ahh business class lounge is nice’. AIBU to feel utterly fucked off…. No enquiry after our son, so seeing if I was ok ( tearful mess), no offer to not go away and come home and be around for the surgery. He was flying off not on work but to see friends……

OP posts:
Sparkletastic · 03/09/2022 13:12

Yup. Selfish arsehole.

Leafy3 · 03/09/2022 13:13

Think I'd go back with a picture of divorce papers

"Ahh shit, I thought I'd married a decent human being"

Amortentia · 03/09/2022 13:14

I wouldn’t be flying off on a joly if my 12 year old was heading for surgery. If it was the other way around would you? Yikes, I think calling your husband an arsehole is unfair to arseholes, I’d be thinking much worse.

BattenburgSlice · 03/09/2022 13:14

Yanbu!

Ponoka7 · 03/09/2022 13:16

That's something that you could claim back on your travel insurance, so he's out of order. How long has he gone for?

Original poster
Lilyrose23 · 03/09/2022 13:17

A fucking week

OP posts:
Thepeopleversuswork · 03/09/2022 13:17

Fucking hell… how tone deaf can you get?

In his position I would have pulled out of the trip. Never mind sending pictures of food.

Is he always this insensitive?

Sunnyqueen · 03/09/2022 13:17

I could not imagine flying off anywhere if my 12 year old needed surgery. Yanbu to send you pics like that is beyond tactless.

Iamacatslave · 03/09/2022 13:18

Yep. He’s an arsehole! How is your son?

Original poster
Lilyrose23 · 03/09/2022 13:19

Yes but it’s got worse over the years. I’m finding it hard to recover from this one.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 03/09/2022 13:19

What did you say on the call? If you said "don't panic, he's fine but..." I can see why he'd carry on the trip.

Sending that message would've been fine if he'd have also said "is DS ok?"

brookstar · 03/09/2022 13:20

Yep, he's a selfish arsehole.

I'd be so furious.

Original poster
Lilyrose23 · 03/09/2022 13:20

really anxious about the general Anaesethic. Thanks for asking… I’m feeling very alone.

OP posts:
Petronus · 03/09/2022 13:22

How unbelievably tone deaf. Given that this is not a one off, can you squeeze in a solicitors visit before he gets back?

Original poster
Lilyrose23 · 03/09/2022 13:22

It was a super quick fact exchanging call ‘bad news DS knee is fractured, emergency surgery on Monday, what is the policy number, speak to you later. ‘
That was it.

OP posts:
Culldesack · 03/09/2022 13:23

Lilyrose23 · 03/09/2022 13:20

really anxious about the general Anaesethic. Thanks for asking… I’m feeling very alone.

Your son is in the best hands and you sound like a very strong woman, to me x

Thepeopleversuswork · 03/09/2022 13:24

Lilyrose23 · 03/09/2022 13:19

Yes but it’s got worse over the years. I’m finding it hard to recover from this one.

Have you ever sat him down and said how hurtful and inappropriate this is?

Not excusing this, and this is a particularly bad example, but my DP is neurodiverse and sometimes has had to have it pointed out to him that things are off key.

He wouldn’t have done that though. I would struggle to respect someone who lacked the emotional intelligence to recognise how inflammatory that message would have been.

Hawkins001 · 03/09/2022 13:24

Firstly all the best and positivity op, hope all goes well.

To a degree yes your dh is a pickle, especially not asking about his son,

Although that said, if anytime your dh is booked to go away ect do you have an agreement in place like if it's emergency he returns home or is it more case by case basis ?

serenghetti2011 · 03/09/2022 13:26

Poor boy so sorry op, your lad will be fine but you need someone to hold your hand and lean on and tell you your son will be ok

your husband is a Selfish pig I’d really be questioning if I wanted to be with someone who abandoned their child and wife at this time. To not even ask after your son? Awful, my ex was at the hospital within 30 mins of finding out our son was poorly he text and phoned to check how he was and brought me food and supplies and we aren’t even together!! Much love to you and your son op hope he has a speedy recovery and look after yourself too

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 03/09/2022 13:26

I honestly can’t understand his behaviour. Surely any decent parent would at the very least check in with how their child was and ask for some more details about the surgery.

I understand you might not cancel a trip if you had planned it for a long time and paid a lot but you’d show SOME concern.

very odd and concerning behaviour.

Is he generally lacking in any emotional care to you and the children or is this a weird one off?

Original poster
Lilyrose23 · 03/09/2022 13:27

I would say case by case basis. Over the years a few challenges have happened when he has been away on work and I’ve always handled it. I think it was the blatant flying off into the sunset / business lounge without a backward glance that has poleaxed me

OP posts:
Thepeopleversuswork · 03/09/2022 13:27

@Hawkins001

Thats not really the point though.

It’s debatably true that there’s no point him cancelling but no one with an ounce of empathy would have sent pictures of upmarket food and booze without asking after the health of their child….

Mind boggling that anyone could be that insensitive…

airforsharon · 03/09/2022 13:28

Has he been in touch today to ask after your DS?

Sparklfairy · 03/09/2022 13:29

Thats so self absorbed of him.

Thepeopleversuswork · 03/09/2022 13:29

Lilyrose23 · 03/09/2022 13:27

I would say case by case basis. Over the years a few challenges have happened when he has been away on work and I’ve always handled it. I think it was the blatant flying off into the sunset / business lounge without a backward glance that has poleaxed me

I don’t blame you. I would also be livid and would find it hard to come back from that.

Whats your relationship like in general?