To think my husband is an areshole

[Lilyrose23]

Yesterday our son fractured his knee and is having emergency surgery on Monday. DH was on the way to the airport when I found out surgery was happening. I called him to get our health insurance info and briefly explain the surgery. A hurried call as we were at the doctors office and they were waiting for the insurance policy info. DS ( 12) had a massive panic attack at the mention of surgery and it was a hugely stressful morning. The next comms I get from DH is a what’s app phots of a plate of nice food and a large glass of wine with the simple message ‘ ahh business class lounge is nice’. AIBU to feel utterly fucked off…. No enquiry after our son, so seeing if I was ok ( tearful mess), no offer to not go away and come home and be around for the surgery. He was flying off not on work but to see friends……

If your insinuating an affair?

God every thread I'm on at the moment this leap is being made and trotted out!

One because he takes too long food shopping, one because he wants to know when his wife is coming home.

Yes he's a tone deaf arse hole but not every man is having an affair!

Off on a jolly.
And HE PAID EXTRA FOR BUSINESS CLASS!

Get hold of some divorce papers of some sort. If you can get blank ones send pictures to him. It will concentrate his mind.
Clear bank accs as if leaving.
If you make up after you can restore some of it.
He sounds the type wo will not take notice until grabbed by the lapels and shaken.

I see thread titles like this and I can usually see the other side and that things maybe aren't so bad. In this case though I absolutely agree with you op, your dh is an arse hole.

In that case don’t try. As a PP said, send a photo back of divorce papers with a suitable message for his return.

Do you get a weeks child free holiday at any point op?

God almighty. I am just on the verge of concluding that many fathers out there don't have any interest in or concern for their children at all. Many of these MN threads recently seem to be confirming that.

I'm sorry that you have only experienced men like this.

Why are men (sorry some men) so fucking selfish and without conscience? Can you even imagine if your roles were reversed? People would be calling you a self centred/cold mother. YANBU I would be very pissed off he hadn’t cancelled the trip.

He’s an arsehole yes.

Any decent parent would have been worried at the thought of their child having an accident so bad they require surgery.

The first thing that should have come out of his mouth is “oh no! Is he ok? Do you need me to cancel my flight and come home? Who is looking after the other children?”

I wouldn't want to be with someone who is this selfish and lacking in empathy.

Wow, that is quite spectacularly poor on your DH's behalf. Has he even asked how you are going to manage the practicalities of needing to be in two places at once? That is before you even consider that he might have wanted to offer his family some emotional support!

OP, to offer some perspective, my DH is no Angel and even he agrees that you are NOT being unreasonable. He agrees, as do I with the observation and label: arsehole. (Sorry. Offering camaraderie but I know it still doesn’t feel great 😕).

I'm sorry @Lilyrose23 , you must be feeling very stressed about this. I hope your son is okay and his pain is manageable?

I also agree with your title! It's not typical of men I know now (although I sure have met some in my life like this!), and I am sorry your DH is so self absorbed. It sounds like this one is going to be hard to get over.

Forget the lounge pictures, my DH wouldn’t have gone at all. He’d have turned straight round and come home to help me, look after our other kids and support our child. He’s flown home from business trips for much less. You can’t rely on your DH to have your back in even the most blindingly obvious “I need support” situations, so what’s the point of him?

Wow. I don't think I could come back from that behaviour in all honesty.

What sort of father swans off on a jolly when their child needs surgery and leaves their wife alone to deal with it all??!

I hope all goes well OP.

I don' think I could ever stop being angry at DH for this, therefore, it would be the end of my marriage I'm afraid. What a selfish twat

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this alone

God does he even care? Or is this some weird stress response?

I'd reply to the pic of his food

'I hope you fucking choke on it'

Exactly. A woman exhibiting no concern for her child is painted as a monster. A woman who walks away from her children to start up a new life with another man, making excuses not to spend time with them, is very poorly regarded. And yet this is how many fathers behave day and daily, and it doesn't seem to have the slightest impact on how others see them. The double standard applied to men/women is staggering. Used to be around sex, now seems to be around parenthood.

I would send him a message in reply saying…” enjoy yourself and don’t come back, if we can get through this without you we can get through anything!”

My DH would do the same.

I wonder what his friends think of his conduct? I mean, what has he told them - 'my young lad's having surgery for a serious leg injury but I'm not going to let it spoil our weekend because his mother can look after things'? Why are men like this? Why do they collude with and encourage each other to be callous bastards, and overlook and excuse such unfeeling irresponsible behaviour? Or is this just part of male bonding, like making disgusting comments about women? Christ, I'm so glad I'm single.

Just read your update re having two other children (I’m assuming younger because you talked about juggling them too, whereas older could maybe get on with things a bit). In that case, he should have turned right around and gone home to pitch in.

Gosh that really is arsehole behaviour, though even an arsehole fulfills a useful purpose. Don’t want to pile on the concern but the day of the operation is only the start of it, your son is going to need a lot of physical help post surgery. Getting dressed, toiletting etc if he needs lifting it would be so much easier with your DH there also does your son’s bed need to be moved to a room near a bathroom do you have anyone who can help. Juggling his care with two other kids is going to be hard, can your son be left while you take the others to school, if you work will it be easy to get time off lots of practical things to think about. If your DH is always putting himself first and is generally a shit husband and dad maybe this is the last straw for you?

My (ex) husband would have done exactly this.

He died 10years ago, and it was with great difficulty I persuaded 3 of our 4 children to turn up to his funeral.

But they had fun at the get together afterwards. Do you know the Clancy Brothers song, "Aint it Grand to be Bloody Well Dead"....