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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my neighbours have no boundaries!

174 replies

BornIn1995 · 08/07/2022 13:57

I want to see if I’m just being cynical or whether people would too get annoyed by this.

Moved to a new house last year, and have just had my first child. Neighbours were very friendly, and are all older than us (we’re 30s - they’re all late 40s - 60s.

We are renovating currently but obviously delayed due to baby’s arrival. And with this in mind we also don’t have much surplus cash at the moment as I am on Mat leave.

To set the scene: The garden fences are currently pretty low so you can see across everyone’s gardens.

When I am out in the garden the neighbours call across to me. And it drives me mad. They’re lovely people and very friendly - but it’s my private garden and I am out there with my baby. Not for a neighbourhood chat. If I wanted to chat I’d stand at the front of the house.

It’s not just one neighbour either - they all do it! I find it so intrusive! I just wouldn’t dream of doing it to someone else. I even had it the other day where I didn’t answer and they kept shouting “can you hear me?”.

We are just planning to get the fences re done so we have more privacy - but obviously this takes time and money.

AIBU to think that it’s annoying and seriously lacks boundaries?

It’s so difficult as I don’t want to say something and then create some awkward tension.

Anyone else had a scenario like this?

OP posts:
KrisAkabusi · 08/07/2022 13:59

Just wave and say hi. They're being friendly!

tabulahrasa · 08/07/2022 13:59

Surely you just say hi and then go back to what you’re doing?

Original poster
BornIn1995 · 08/07/2022 14:03

@KrisAkabusi @tabulahrasa Hiya! Probably should’ve added more context. I have done this before and I then cannot get out the conversation. If it was a friendly wave I would probably be more ok with it but they want to properly chat. I got stuck for 40 minutes once as I just couldn’t seem to wrap it up!!

OP posts:
Lindy2 · 08/07/2022 14:05

Wave back and say hello. Possibly chat for a few minutes then carry on with what you were doing.

They're just being friendly and you never know when you might need help from a good neighbour.

You could also plant some taller shrubs along your fences if you want a bit of screening to increase your privacy.

DelurkingAJ · 08/07/2022 14:05

I’m afraid you just have to be more assertive then. ‘I’m very sorry, I need to do…’ or some such and exit the conversation. They’re being normal and friendly.

Harridance · 08/07/2022 14:06

Keep your phone on you at all times, and pretend it's ringing to get out of a conversation

DisforDarkChocolate · 08/07/2022 14:07

The issue isn't your neighbours, it's your inability to end a conversation.

Spend some time practicing 'it's been lovely to chat but I need to get back to...'

Lindy2 · 08/07/2022 14:08

"I got stuck for 40 minutes once as I just couldn’t seem to wrap it up!!"

This is where you use a tactic like "oh dear - must go. My DC needs a new nappy/snack/drink etc. Whatever works best.

Get some shrubs.

D0lphine · 08/07/2022 14:09

I think it would be weirder for you both to be out and see each other in the garden and NOT say "hi".

To me that would be more awkward for sure.

Lingoflaming · 08/07/2022 14:10

You can't win really but be grateful that they say hello. My current neighbour is a nasty racist cow who has racially abused half the street. Threw a dead rat in my bin and regularly chicks rubbish over my driveway. Unless you'd like to swap?

The racist cow is in her mid 30s and works for a bank in a professional capacity. The mind boggles, how does she manage to keep her racist gob shut during work hours?

Justcallmebebes · 08/07/2022 14:10

Cheery wave and a "hello, must get on". Much better to have friendly neighbours than the alternative surely?

FuncaMunca · 08/07/2022 14:11

Friendly neighbours are a blessing and you might need to call on them for help one day so it's worthwhile keeping things friendly.

That said - I'd hate if mine could see right into my garden and I didn't have privacy. I'd probably be looking to build a higher fence...

Footbal · 08/07/2022 14:11

My next door neighbour loves to chat. She is late 70s and lives alone. We are in our house 12 years. I would rather have a 40 minute chat with her everyday than have to deal with horrible neighbours. Good, decent,friendly neighbours are wirth their weight in gold.

Original poster
BornIn1995 · 08/07/2022 14:11

DisforDarkChocolate · 08/07/2022 14:07

The issue isn't your neighbours, it's your inability to end a conversation.

Spend some time practicing 'it's been lovely to chat but I need to get back to...'

You’re so right and I know this. But I never know how assertive to be without coming across rude!!!

OP posts:
HeckyPeck · 08/07/2022 14:12

I'm not an assertive person and would hate the thought of having to be just to sit in my own garden.

I'd wear headphones and then pretend I can't hear them. Maybe a smile and wave and point to the headphones. Hopefully they'd get the message eventually and stop bothering.

Soggycrisps · 08/07/2022 14:13

Have a chat with them for as long as you want and then say something like "well I better get going now, talk to you soon"...no need to give them a reason just go back to whatever you were doing or not doing.

Essexgalttc · 08/07/2022 14:14

YANBU and at the same time YABU. It’s 50/50 for me, personally. You’re not being unreasonable for wanting peace and quiet in your own space. Unfortunately, as your fences are low and these neighbours seem kind then I agree with the above it would be “weirder” not to have a convo if you see each other.

The home I grew up in had low fences and all the neighbours would speak to each other and I remember playing with the other kids and I don’t recall my parents having an issue with this but I would imagine if I was outside in my garden every time my neighbours wanted to have a chat it would eventually get to me a bit.

The simple answer is either get higher fences or try and politely leave the convo. I get it’s hard but the “I’m busy gotta go!” Is what I’m getting at here

Original poster
BornIn1995 · 08/07/2022 14:15

HeckyPeck · 08/07/2022 14:12

I'm not an assertive person and would hate the thought of having to be just to sit in my own garden.

I'd wear headphones and then pretend I can't hear them. Maybe a smile and wave and point to the headphones. Hopefully they'd get the message eventually and stop bothering.

Exactly the same problem I have. Just doesn’t come naturally to be at all!!

OP posts:
Soggycrisps · 08/07/2022 14:17

You're expecting them to respect your boundaries but you've not set any.

How does this play out in other areas or relationships in your life?

2bazookas · 08/07/2022 14:33

BornIn1995 · 08/07/2022 14:03

@KrisAkabusi @tabulahrasa Hiya! Probably should’ve added more context. I have done this before and I then cannot get out the conversation. If it was a friendly wave I would probably be more ok with it but they want to properly chat. I got stuck for 40 minutes once as I just couldn’t seem to wrap it up!!

So the neighbours are just being normal human beings.

The problem is YOUR lack of social skills. You need to recognise and address your own problem, instead of blaming others for it.

GodspeedJune · 08/07/2022 14:36

I would say the usual pleasantries and then ‘right, I better let you get on’ and busy yourself with whatever you were doing beforehand.

LookItsMeAgain · 08/07/2022 14:36

Are you able to install higher fences in the back? I'm assuming that this is your back garden and the fences are 4' high not 6' high. Can you replace your fences or get busy planting high growing privet/privot (not sure how to spell it) hedge or maybe a laurel hedge?

SadFace2 · 08/07/2022 14:37

I'd definitely anticipate them not being happy about you installing a higher fence if they are used to doing this and enjoy it. I'm not saying you're wrong for wanting to or for going ahead with it, just that it's something to bear in mind.

LookItsMeAgain · 08/07/2022 14:41

@SadFace2 - very true. I am imagining that the OP is in the middle (or at least not at the end) of a row of houses so suddenly having 6' high fences in the middle would piss some neighbours off.

They may be less pissed off with hedges as they are good for the environment (that's the angle I'd play it) and that you can let it grow wide enough that a neighbour can manage their side but on yours you want it higher than the height of a fence (and it'll take a while to grow to that height anyway so they'll be getting used to you blanking them by then so you'll be fine)

WildfirePonie · 08/07/2022 14:42

I recently bought 6ft trellis planters and covered them in fake ivy. Works a treat for blocking out the neighbours view.

What about 8ft bamboo in pots? Or adding trellis/chicken wire to the top of the fence.