To think my neighbours have no boundaries!

[BornIn1995]

I want to see if I’m just being cynical or whether people would too get annoyed by this.

Moved to a new house last year, and have just had my first child. Neighbours were very friendly, and are all older than us (we’re 30s - they’re all late 40s - 60s.

We are renovating currently but obviously delayed due to baby’s arrival. And with this in mind we also don’t have much surplus cash at the moment as I am on Mat leave.

To set the scene: The garden fences are currently pretty low so you can see across everyone’s gardens.

When I am out in the garden the neighbours call across to me. And it drives me mad. They’re lovely people and very friendly - but it’s my private garden and I am out there with my baby. Not for a neighbourhood chat. If I wanted to chat I’d stand at the front of the house.

It’s not just one neighbour either - they all do it! I find it so intrusive! I just wouldn’t dream of doing it to someone else. I even had it the other day where I didn’t answer and they kept shouting “can you hear me?”.

We are just planning to get the fences re done so we have more privacy - but obviously this takes time and money.

AIBU to think that it’s annoying and seriously lacks boundaries?

It’s so difficult as I don’t want to say something and then create some awkward tension.

Anyone else had a scenario like this?

We used fence extenders, a cheap alternative to getting a new fence. It hasn’t stopped the neighbour but at least now she has to stand on a chair to bend my ear.

Do they do it across your garden too? If so that's going to cause chaos when you put new fences up!

You've got friendly neighbours, enjoy as there aren't that many around. I wouldn't complain about that because the universe might hear it and come for you. When your kid's older and playing with a ball out in the garden these are the type of neighbours you want, friendly and understanding. If you don't want to chat wear headphones, they'll soon get the hint but without you having to have words which might not go down well. This isn't big enough to worth risking a fallout.

You should be eternally grateful you have nice neighbours!
With everything’s that’s going on at the moment, this is your main concern? Jesus.

YABU.I think its sad that you are seeing it as a NEGATIVE thing that you have such friendly neighbours who actually want to make the effort to chat :-/ Our society has become so bloody snobby and self-absorbed...these people by the sound of their ages are of the generation where it was commonplace to actually be friendly and chatty to those around you.I notice it walking around my village...the younger people walk past and don't say anything, smile if you're lucky, but the middle aged/older people will chat to anyone.

Our nextdoor neighbours now are like yours, and I am so grateful for them having had 2 separate lots of arsehole ones at our previous address (who had all night parties when I was pregnant/ had a newborn, urinated, swore and smoked in the garden whilst I was trying to play with my toddler the other side of the fence, raced about carelessly in their loud done up cars and even had the police knocking for them) Beleive me you're lucky.
If you're busy/want abit of space then have a quick chat and make an excuse to carry on with your own thing.

Surely you knew when you moved into the house with a low fence that there wouldn't be much privacy?

Try a wave and quick hi and then immediately look down to your dc and shift your attention away from them and purposely dont look back up. It feels a bit rude as you do it, but it means that you have said hi and then it makes them get on with their stuff so you can both be outside but independent iyswim. If they keep on hallo-ing, you might need to resort to the fake emailing/very busy gestures but dont verbally respond again.

I totally appreciate what your saying - and I appreciate everyone’s opinion that I am maybe being too grotty! I hate to be rude, I’m just a really private and anxious person so it may well be my issue over theirs :-)

In every other circumstance I fully appreciate them. We have a chat out the front, I give them Christmas cards etc, when they had Covid I asked if I could do their shopping.

I just feel like it’s too much having to have a conversation (or indeed have to wrap up a conversation) every-time I want to use my garden.

thanks everyone x

You're not being grotty. You're in your house and you're 100% entitled to feel the way you feel, it's beyond your control. But if you can find a way not to let it get to you, it would probably be better.

So sorry to hear you had some awful neighbours.

I do think they’re all lovely, and appreciate them. I’m generally friendly to them when I see them out the front and take the time to see how they are.

It’s just the garden situation. I just want the privacy and not have to anticipate an excuse not to chat every time I want to sit out there.

Appreciate I may be coming across as a terrible person! I like to think I’m not - it’s just think one thing I find a bit much!

Yes we knew re privacy when we moved - but tbh we’ve come from inner city flat block so wasn’t used to people peering over to have a chat. So yes our oversight for sure!

Neighbours. Everybody needs good neighbours. With a little understanding
you can find the perfect blend. Neighbours should be there for one another...
That’s when good neighbours become good friends.

Good fences make good neighbours. Change the fence or plant high bushes but keep the nice relationship.

You have a You problem. A quick "Nice to see you, no time to chat now but we can catch up later" is all it takes. Asserting yourself is not rude.

I would hate this too, I completely get it. We have a low wall on one side and I absolutely dread the neighbours being out because they want to stand there chit chatting and I want to be left the fuck alone to sit and do whatever I am doing. I've just started forcing myself to be "rude" to shut them down. It is really really hard for me to do but I value my time more than chatting to someone I happen to live next door to.

Okay, some excuses (after hi, how are you, etc) :
You'll have to excuse me, the baby didn't sleep well, I'm just going to close my eyes for a bit.
You'll have to excuse me, I need to get this little one lying down (sinking gently onto a blanket out of view).
You'll have to excuse me, my book club is meeting soon and I need to finish this (gesture with book)

Said with a smile, all of the above allow you to stay outside in the garden without having to chat.

No idea why so many people have said YABU. I am very certain that YANBU.

I don't want to chat with my neighbours. The only thing we have in common is that we live next door to each other. I am happy to take in parcels, return bins on bin day, throw back balls which come into the garden. I just don't want to stand and chat with them.

Good fences make good neighbours. If you can't yet afford to put up new fences can you put up trellis on top of existing fence? If asked explain that you are going to be growing climbing plants along the fence.

What about a pop up gazebo for some privacy when you don't want to chat?

You just need to say you’re going back to do whatever it is you’re doing.

it’s not rude to say hi, catch up quickly and then go - well I’m going back to my book, to play with the baby or whatever it is... before it’s nap time, feeding time, dinner time again.

This, I’m not quite sure why it’s their fault. They are being friendly and sociable. Your inability to manage your own interactions is the issue. It’s not hard to say ok best get on with my relaxing or playing with little one.

My neighbours and I chat all the time over fences, I’m just off out, going shopping or must put washing on, bye, chat later, end of

This!
Me and my neighbours always say hello when we in the garden

just want the privacy and not have to anticipate an excuse not to chat every time I want to sit out there

then prioritise money for fencing. Honestly you don’t want to chat but can’t close conversations and can’t stop yourself and you want privacy but can’t afford fencing. It’s all your own doing.

Well done for appreciating the problem is you, and not your neighbours.

You don’t need to make “excuses”. You don’t need to excuse your enjoyment of quiet, unbothered time in your own back garden.

There’s a difference between offering an excuse and offering an explanation. Firstly, it would be extremely insulting to your neighbours’ intelligence to fabricate an excuse. They will feel fobbed off, will see right through your lie, and if I were them I’d think it rude. Just say what you think. An explanation. “Lovely to chat, want to get back to [DC/ my coffee/ my book/ whatever] while I have a chance. Good weather coming, enjoy your afternoon!” then off you go to your thing.

You are all stuck living next to each other, potentially for years. Set your boundaries - you’re allowed. It’s your life. Be pleasant, be neighbourly. They may become friends, they may not, but they will always be your neighbours. They will see your DC grow, you all look out for each other - but you don’t pry and poke your noses in each other’s business.

Your neighbours aren’t lacking boundaries. You are lacking the necessary skills to manage this neighbourly relationship. It’s an important skill to master unless you want to live like a hermit.

It used to be like that here. Low fences and lovely neighbours no problems if you didn’t want to chat. Then new people moved in and higher fences went up and we now don’t see anything of the neighbours unless I see them going out to their car or something. It’s spoilt the friendly atmosphere we used to have. I would love too have the old fences etc

It’s a difficult one. The bustling excuses of ‘oh must change baby’s nappy’ etc don’t really work when you want to just sit and chill in your garden. I guess the suggestion of visible headphones is a good one. Overall, it’s not the worst problem in the world to have

In my 30+ years of home ownership I have never fallen out with my neighbours. Mainly I think because I never fell in with the in the first place.

No idea what my neighbours' names are. We are on nodding and smiling terms. We are considerate but not involved. Suits us perfectly.