To think my neighbours have no boundaries!

[BornIn1995]

I want to see if I’m just being cynical or whether people would too get annoyed by this.

Moved to a new house last year, and have just had my first child. Neighbours were very friendly, and are all older than us (we’re 30s - they’re all late 40s - 60s.

We are renovating currently but obviously delayed due to baby’s arrival. And with this in mind we also don’t have much surplus cash at the moment as I am on Mat leave.

To set the scene: The garden fences are currently pretty low so you can see across everyone’s gardens.

When I am out in the garden the neighbours call across to me. And it drives me mad. They’re lovely people and very friendly - but it’s my private garden and I am out there with my baby. Not for a neighbourhood chat. If I wanted to chat I’d stand at the front of the house.

It’s not just one neighbour either - they all do it! I find it so intrusive! I just wouldn’t dream of doing it to someone else. I even had it the other day where I didn’t answer and they kept shouting “can you hear me?”.

We are just planning to get the fences re done so we have more privacy - but obviously this takes time and money.

AIBU to think that it’s annoying and seriously lacks boundaries?

It’s so difficult as I don’t want to say something and then create some awkward tension.

Anyone else had a scenario like this?

Until you can afford your 6ft fences, can you sit behind a temp screen or shade so they can't at least see you? Otherwise I'd do the headphones thing.

"You’re so right and I know this. But I never know how assertive to be without coming across rude!!!"

But ignoring them when they say hello is very rude imo.

They also won't be a fan of yours if you're going to put up a high fence. Are you in the middle of two that like to speak?

All low fences here! We smile and wave and know when people want to chill in peace. YABU.

A colleague had this - it drove her mad. She couldn’t ever go out in the garden without a neighbour calling to her and wanting to chat. She thought the neighbour could see from her kitchen window when she went out, and would do the same.

You need 5 foot fences with trellis on top, and grow some climbers over the trellis. Expensive, but as they say, good fences make good neighbours.

It’s not being unfriendly - it’s a case of protecting your privacy when other people can’t or won’t realise what is acceptable.

In the meantime, a pleasant, ‘Sorry, can’t chat just now - masses to do…’ Which is difficult if you just want to sit and chill/read a book/play with dcs - hence the need for fences.

I think it just depends on the type of neighbours you have. Some people may be nice, but don't always have the self-awareness to know that they are talking too much, or that you'd just like to be left alone to chill.

I used to live somewhere with low fences and it made me feel really uncomfortable. The neighbours were quite nosy and used to stare at me, or rustle around behind me when I was just sat reading. It was weird.

The issue isn't your neighbours, it's your inability to end a conversation.

You have accepted this is the issue so work on that. It really isn't rude to say something along the lines of :

"How are you?" " Yes isn't it lovely again" "Yes I must water my tomato plants later - your courgettes look lovely." "See you later, going to read my book/play with baby/listen to my podcast now" Big smile.

Sorted.

Not sure if you have a patio area by the house? I've noticed that some people have higher fences there where they sit etc, and then lower for the rest of the garden. Might be the best of both worlds as you can avoid them if you don't fancy talking.

But it seems that OP's neighbours don't know to leave OP in peace.

Not everyone wants to be sociable in their garden. Why the assumption that sociability is welcome? For me regular calling over and demanding attention from OP is intrusive.

I get it. Have a very private back garden which I rarely used until changing a window for French doors. Only access before was door to driveway visible to street. Now do not have to bother putting a bra on, or sit on door step having a hot flush. Thankfully now over. Plus short distance to try to sleep on sun lounger on hot nights. For you I imagine with baby.
Neighbours whoever here are far less judgy than before. Or maybe I care less. All say hi but back gardens enclosed.
Lovely to have friendly neighbours and feel lucky but all have a busy wave and hi sometimes. As do I. Usually unloading car.
Would look at higher fencing for back garden if I was you. Could maybe use safer space for children as a reason?

So the neighbours are just being normal human beings.

I’d say that most people with social skills are able to tell when someone doesn’t want to be in a long conversation, and pick up on social cues without the other person having to be ‘assertive’, so I don’t think the neighbours are especially normal, actually.

Also people are unbelievably bad at just letting you go. DP’s sister has a friend who, even as you stand up and say “Right, got to go, weren’t running late” will simply carry on talking and asking you questions. He also walks into their garden without asking/knocking.

It’s not them it’s you

Very east to say, “gotta go see you soon!”

I do sympathise somewhat OP, as both the front and back gardens where I am are totally open to each other and the street, with just low wire fences, and I’d love to have a private garden. I always find small children want to chat to me! But sometimes I just want to read my book in peace. However, given all the disputes I read on here, at least our neighbours are friendly and that can make a huge difference.

I like my neighbours but I replaced the low fence with high. I just wanted privacy. That's not a bad thing. Happy to chat out the front.

Until you get bigger fences up wear headphones and wave at the neighbours and point at the headphones (you are learning a new language on).

Aw our neighbours used to do this and yes sometimes I did find it awkward when I just wanted to chill with my DC. But I really miss it now we’ve moved to a place with high fences where nobody talks to each other.

Yep these. They'll get into the habit of just saying hi to you then letting you get on with your day. Don't say anything, it's not worth it.

Can you split the garden and create a chill out area at the bottom where you can feel totally private with some trellis all the way round, and an archway in. With a seating area and some shade for the baby and lots of nice smelling climbers up the trellis.

That way you can be sociable in part of the garden if you are in the mood and private in part of the garden if you just want to sit and read with a glass of wine and shut out the world?

I wouldn't love low fences... But fake ivy in an outdoor garden would be so much worse.

Also, most of the time you don't own the fences on both side, and can only put trellis on your own fence.

Before you spend money on those 6’ fences, check that it’s allowed. We all own our property in my close but we can’t have fences over 4’.
I love it this way.

I know what you mean . My first flat was accessed by an outside staircase with everyone’s front doors and balconies looking out.
Every time you went in or out the neighbours would ask where you were going to / coming from and try to chat. It drove me crazy I’d only just left home and my own parents questioned me less 😂

That set up in the gardens would drive me mad OP! I like privacy in my back garden.
Round here all houses have 6ft high fences or hedges in back garden. Front are open plan.

I would plant a beech hedge. Will take 2 or 3 years to grow into something giving decent privacy.
At least the neighbours can get used to it gradually rather than you whacking up a 6ft fence suddenly

Set a timer on your phone “ oh lovely to see you! You must excuse me I am setting myself a strict 3 mints limit, I’m such a chatterbox I find I’m not getting the weeding, mowing or whatever’s done, when you hear my alarm you must make sure I don’t ignore it and make me get on”

I thought NK it's lovely that you have nice neighbours that want to chat rather than living next door to asshats.

Try and keep them onside, when your kid gets older and starts making a racket you'll be glad to have friendly neighbours .

I have this with an elderly neighbour. She lives around the corner but is somehow always there in my drive when I get in from work.

I try to be patient and kind but after 5 minutes of being talked at (same speech always) I get so bored. My husband has to come out and demand his dinner to get her to leave [not really, he cooks it].

I then go in and then she knocks on the door an hour later and we don’t answer the door.

I cannot be arsed with her, I feel sorry for her but I have my own elderly relatives to care for, I can’t take on an intrusive busybody too.