To think my neighbours have no boundaries!

[BornIn1995]

I want to see if I’m just being cynical or whether people would too get annoyed by this.

Moved to a new house last year, and have just had my first child. Neighbours were very friendly, and are all older than us (we’re 30s - they’re all late 40s - 60s.

We are renovating currently but obviously delayed due to baby’s arrival. And with this in mind we also don’t have much surplus cash at the moment as I am on Mat leave.

To set the scene: The garden fences are currently pretty low so you can see across everyone’s gardens.

When I am out in the garden the neighbours call across to me. And it drives me mad. They’re lovely people and very friendly - but it’s my private garden and I am out there with my baby. Not for a neighbourhood chat. If I wanted to chat I’d stand at the front of the house.

It’s not just one neighbour either - they all do it! I find it so intrusive! I just wouldn’t dream of doing it to someone else. I even had it the other day where I didn’t answer and they kept shouting “can you hear me?”.

We are just planning to get the fences re done so we have more privacy - but obviously this takes time and money.

AIBU to think that it’s annoying and seriously lacks boundaries?

It’s so difficult as I don’t want to say something and then create some awkward tension.

Anyone else had a scenario like this?

In all honesty I would hate that too as we have 6 ft high fences and appreciate our privacy. When we had lower fences in our old house, we were pre-kids and out at work all day so didn't spend much time in garden. BUT in recent years, we've had the misfortune of having the most awful neighbours who have moved in next door and though we have the privacy of not seeing them, everything else they do, especially the noise and general disgustingness (using their garden as an extra loo as there are so many of them living in the house and only have the 1 indoor loo) and many many other awful things that it has made me appreciate the good neighbours we have had in the past. So if your neighbours are generally nice, having experienced what we have now experienced, I'd say to appreciate them and just tolerate their over-friendliness and be grateful for not having horrendous neighbours.

The neighbours need more self awareness. I had a neighbour like this and it was awful. I couldn’t go to the dustbin, hang washing out or sit in the garden without being kept in conversation for ages. It’s rude and it’s not a matter of hello, nice day etc it’s “I want to keep you here talking for 40 minutes”.

OP YANBU and you have my sympathy.

You’re entitled to your own privacy in your own garden so provided you can have high fences then go for it. I would be exactly the same. Our neighbours often try and engage through the annoyingly gappy hedgerow, I try to avoid all eye contact and look busy but sometimes I get dragged into some hideous small talk I feel very awkward about and I have other things I would much rather be doing.

I think it was during late 70s/early 80s that the idea of the garden being part of the home started to take off.

During the 50s and 60s the garden was somewhere that the husband would mow the lawn and tend borders. Boys might play football (to the annoyance of the husband). There was much less of a sense that the garden was somewhere to sit out and relax in. Gardening was a chore.

Obviously not every home was like that but an awful lot were. My parents didnt build a space to sit out in with permanent furniture until late 80s. With that people wanted more privacy. Fewer people want neighbours haging over the fence for a chat.

Cant you report her, this is awful, she shouldn't be doing a job like she does but going around abusing people in her personal time...

Surely you realised that the gardens were a bit open when you moved in.

If you want privacy then put higher fences up.

Your neighbours will think you're being snooty though.

But who cares?

Our neighbour is the same. Wish we had more privacy, its mortifying getting caught in my swimming costume with the kids in their paddling pool in the heatwave when neighbours want to say hi.
There used to be a fence between us when we moved in but it was technically on their side and when it got very tired/broken they took it down leaving a very short garden wall behind. They never replaced it and said we were more than welcome to buy one if we wanted to, but we cant afford it. I dont know why they didnt replace it, they paid off their home decades ago and have plenty of cash from private pensions etc and they never go on holiday.

Every single time we go out there we get roped into a chat. Or if it's just their dog out then I get barked out while gardening/hanging washing or whatever. They're best buds with neighbours the other side of us so I'm very thankful they arent rude enough to chat to eachother across my garden.

I feel your pain though. Fencing is expensive so if I were you I would plant some very fast growing shrubs along your boundary like bamboo (grows very tall). We would if we didnt already have a pretty border of fixed shallow planters along ours.

I’m so glad to see some people get my angle!! I was starting to think I was just some awful, grotty person who should love basically the gardens being communal 🤣

After I posed this yesterday - and thank you to everyone that has given ideas, advice and support - we were sitting in our garden having dinner and our son got a little grouchy and started crying. Was just about to take him inside and a neighbour calls over to us from 2 gardens away to say “why is he crying? Is he ok?”.

Me and my husband just looked at each other. When we got in the house we agreed we have to prioritise privacy. Going to have a look around tomorrow for ideas.

Hope everyone is having a lovely Saturday x

I understand where you're coming from OP,but in all honesty, I'd rather have your neighbours any day to the ones I had to put up with for 11 years. Neighbours from hell,I think best sums them up. Not just unfriendly,but played loud music at anti-social hours ((before 7am and after 11pm),were doing constant DIY every weekend and bank holiday,smoked cannibis non-stop,frequently screamed at their kids (including a baby of a few weeks old who dared to wake up in the night),and seemed to have a party at least once a month,with what seemed like a hundred people attending. If we dared to complain,WE were the ones being unreasonable. One of the best days of my life when they moved out.
As PPs have said,I think you have to practice being firm and wrapping up a conversation.

Mine are noisy fuckers. I hate them.

Stay out of your garden unless your on your way out. I know they are only being friendly but I understand it can be exhausting. I used to rent a house when my son was young and each and every time I was out of the door and into my garden within seconds the neighbours just appeared out of nowhere and they were so bloody nosey they didn’t miss anything I used to dread getting out of the house and either had to leave very early or very late at night. They were determined to catch me but I usually had the phone in my hand speaking to someone and just waved at them it was the only thing that worked or I would never get away. Let us know how you get on.

I don't think they're being unreasonable, they sound nice & friendly; on a serious note, I would echo what others have posted and say that you never know when you may need them. To give one example, I work in healthcare, including doing some sessions in Out Of Hours, and transport is a regular issue in our relatively rural area. We are not allowed to do home visits just because someone doesn't have transport, and I cannot count the number of times I have had to ask someone if they have a frend or neighbour who can give them a lift to the Primary Care Centre. Obliging neighbours are a blessing!

You've just has a new baby, there probably just interested in the usual boy/girl/birth are u going back to work stuff, they might even be conscious you are spending time alone with DC and want to offer to help. I used to wave at my next door neighbour, we talked occasionally every day as I left for work and when I arrived home, some time after she passed I realised she made a special effort to do this and I missed it horribly. She was fab and looked out for my deliveries snd made sure no one knocked when I was sleeping after late shifts. I did not value her kindness enough.

They are friendly, you are not.
Next time, consider buying a detached house.

It's a good thing to have a friendly neighborhood ! Me and Mr Husband are in our 30s too, with baby on the way.. we have absolutely no family in this country but when we moved to this new place, we found all our neighbours (most of them retired) to be very welcoming and friendly. With situation like ours, we take it as a blessing! You wouldn't know when you would need help.. and we understand how important it is to have good neighbours only when we have a bad one!

On your problem of not being able to end the conversation.. you need to more assertive, that's the only way out.. I know it's easier said than done but if it has to be done, it has to be done!

Can't understand people think you are being unreasonable. Put up 6ft fences and enjoy privacy.

You've got to figure out what the local words are for 'time to end the chat now' - next time you get caught in a conversation, listen out for that tone - one of my friends does a long, drawn out 'ssooooooo' and that's the signal she's done now for instance :)

I do sympathise, I once had a neighbour who delighted in catching me as I was carrying shopping/baby in and telling me about everything going on in their life until my frozen goods had melted. She was lovely, just rubbish at realising I had things to do. I got in the habit of having my keys ready so I could get in the door quicker than she could get out, or I would just keep moving and breezily say that I had to run!

Sometimes you need to be friendly, but firm.

Good neighbours are worth their weight in gold. You won’t realise just how lucky you are until you have unpleasant ones which can make life unpleasant on a daily basis. Smile and wave, if you want peace use air pods.practice lines to wrap up conversations such as I need to mow this lawn before dinner…will you excuse me I just remembered I need to call nursery back before they close etc.

"The problem is YOUR lack of social skills. You need to recognise and address your own problem, instead of blaming others for it."
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Um NO!!! How rude!!! What problem should she be addressing, what a bizarre comment, not everyone enjoys talking crap and wasting time .
I completely agree with the original poster, I want total privacy in my home environment , a simple Hi is more than enough for me too.. I don't think you're being unreasonable at all.

"I would say the usual pleasantries and then ‘right, I better let you get on’ and busy yourself with whatever you were doing beforehand."

This is perfecr⬆️

This is a delicate balance between friendliness and privacy. Boundarys between neighbours can cause so many different sorts of problems. While it's true that your neighbours are doing nothing wrong and are in fact lovely people the situation is not working for you. We had an open and honest chat with our neighbours and found that letting them know that we need a little privacy sometimes was a friendly and respectful approach. We then put in our fences with no hard feelings.

I had a non stop chatty neighbour at my old house. All she talked about was really negative stuff, it was always about how someone had slighted her after all she'd done for them, nobody ever did her any favours bla bla bla. Occasionally she would have a moan about the state of my garden, hers was immaculate. But every time I went to mow the lawn or do a bit of weeding out she popped.
I had to train my kids to shout at me that there was a phone call for me so I could escape.
The neighbours on my other side were lovely, just a quick chat about the kids/weather/ work and on with our days.
My late husband loved to sit out in the sun but when he was ill he just couldn't cope with her non stop tirade against the world. We put a 6' fence panel next to the house, she got sniffy about it and he just said he needed a wind break. Could that be an option for you?

😮

Just because someone doesn't want to be forced into a conversation doesn't mean they lack social skills.

I had a similar situation OP if you want to PM me.

There was a low fence when I bought my house. My elderly neighbour used to approach me every single time I stepped outside my house. When I stopped going into my garden (to get a break from him) he started coming to my front door and waiting around my drive when he figured out what times I come and go for work. When I tried to politely say that I needed some space from the long daily chats and visits he went crazy. He started turning up even more and bringing people with him, started approaching people who came to my house and started bad mouthing me to everyone in the village saying I am rude and unfriendly. I tried to have a chat with him about installing a taller fence (funnily enough he didn't want to talk that day). He went even more crazy after I paid to install my fence and he has repeatedly tried to damage my fence and now claims he co-owns my fence (even though I paid for it and it's set within my boundary rather than down the middle of boundary).
I've ignored it and tried to just get on until I can move. It's not a nice situation to be in. I would be quite happy to just say hello to a neighbour and nothing else but I realised he liked to chat and so I tried to compromise and have the odd chat with him when I could, but I don't want to have hours long conversations with my neighbour every single day whenever he thinks it's a good time even though it isn't a good time for me.

If people get used to something OP it can be very very very hard for some people to change and they will probably blame you for THEIR inability to accept change or that someone wants something different to themselves. Also if all of the neighbours think it's normal to chat every time they see you outside then I don't think it will go down well if you put up a fence to get privacy. Good luck!

2bazookas · 08/07/2022 14:33 BornIn1995 @KrisAkabusi @tabulahrasa Hiya! Probably should’ve added more context. I have done this before and I then cannot get out the conversation. If it was a friendly wave I would probably be more ok with it but they want to properly chat. I got stuck for 40 minutes once as I just couldn’t seem to wrap it up!! So the neighbours are just being normal human beings. The problem is YOUR lack of social skills. You need to recognise and address your own problem, instead of blaming others for it.

My shocked :O was to this comment.

You're not being unreasonable at all. If your any normal person your always running behind so a, "hi good to see you, but I really need to get my gardening done so I can get back inside and do, x,x and x." Most times that works. Or a "hey sorry I really need to get this done, maybe we can catch up later" some people may think your being rude but most will realize your actually just really busy.

All those saying be grateful for good neighbours, yes, it’s a blessing. I’ve had a neighbour play music 7pm-7am, punch me in the face for asking if he’d mind turning it down. Now I have lovely neighbours, but I put in a 6 foot fence asap where there was 3 feet of chicken wire because having to have a conversation every time I peg out washing or go to the freezer in the shed is not what I want. I don’t have time, I’m not in the mood, conversation is difficult when she’s 30 years older and has nothing to say.

We have her round weekly for dinner, I’m not a heartless cow, but if I’m running to the shed to grab the peas, I don’t want a chat, thanks.