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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think my neighbours have no boundaries!

174 replies

BornIn1995 · 08/07/2022 13:57

I want to see if I’m just being cynical or whether people would too get annoyed by this.

Moved to a new house last year, and have just had my first child. Neighbours were very friendly, and are all older than us (we’re 30s - they’re all late 40s - 60s.

We are renovating currently but obviously delayed due to baby’s arrival. And with this in mind we also don’t have much surplus cash at the moment as I am on Mat leave.

To set the scene: The garden fences are currently pretty low so you can see across everyone’s gardens.

When I am out in the garden the neighbours call across to me. And it drives me mad. They’re lovely people and very friendly - but it’s my private garden and I am out there with my baby. Not for a neighbourhood chat. If I wanted to chat I’d stand at the front of the house.

It’s not just one neighbour either - they all do it! I find it so intrusive! I just wouldn’t dream of doing it to someone else. I even had it the other day where I didn’t answer and they kept shouting “can you hear me?”.

We are just planning to get the fences re done so we have more privacy - but obviously this takes time and money.

AIBU to think that it’s annoying and seriously lacks boundaries?

It’s so difficult as I don’t want to say something and then create some awkward tension.

Anyone else had a scenario like this?

OP posts:
chiffchaffchiff · 10/07/2022 16:24

I kind of wish I had neighbours like that. We all have high fences and never really talk except to say hello on the odd occasion. They seem really nice either side but I'm socially awkward so panic and avoid eye contact if we're run into them at the front. It's a shame because I'd have loved to congratulated next door when they had their son and the other next door when they had their grandchild. Maybe it's because I've never had overbearing new neighbours so I kind of miss the easy neighbourly relationship my parents had. Never the sort where you're constantly in each other's faces but enough to know that if you needed help you could just knock on the door.

Funkyblues101 · 10/07/2022 16:25

Maybe have a decent chat with a cuppa once a week and the rest of the time use the conversation cutting tactics prescribed by previous posters. You want to keep kind neighbours on your side!

oceanwavesbyebye · 10/07/2022 16:34

mycatisannoying · Today 00:26 They are friendly, you are not. Next time, consider buying a detached house.

Why is OP not friendly because she doesn't want to have a long conversation with someone every time she goes into her garden?

JemimaPuddlegoose · 10/07/2022 16:51

"How are you?" " Yes isn't it lovely again" "Yes I must water my tomato plants later - your courgettes look lovely." "See you later, going to read my book/play with baby/listen to my podcast now" Big smile. Sorted.

It’s not them it’s you. Very easy to say, “gotta go see you soon!”

Comments like these are pretty naïve.

Some people are just extremely rude and intrusive, and lack basic social skills. This describes the OP's neighbours, not the OP. There are plenty of people who force themselves onto anyone who wanders by and just gabble on and on and on at them.

At least two of the neighbour stories on this thread have moved from "lack of social skills" and into outright stalking.

People who gabble at you will not listen to a polite "have to go now."

I was waiting for a bus recently and some elderly man started monologuing at me, so I nodded and smiled politely, and when my bus came I politely said "bye now, have a good day", and he actually put his hand on my arm and started babbling twice as fast, very clearly with no intention of letting me exit the conversation, when I literally had one foot physically inside the bus! What did he expect, that I'd miss my bus because his small talk was so scintillating? Obviously I shook him off and stepped on.

I have a couple of neighbours who are retired, they are sweet and I do happily chat to them frequently, but there's a generational divide where they seem to think that mobile phones are bad things only used by naughty children. Several times I've been typing urgent work emails on my phone and they've approached me with the mentality "durr, silly little Jemima playing on her phone again, we've got to teach her to stop spending so much time playing on her phone and actually learn how to speak to people face to face haha!" I mean they've literally come up to me while I'm working and said "stop playing on your phone!!" Drives me mad.

I've taught myself to have good boundaries, but one of my best friends is somewhat famous and he often gets fans who grab his arm and physically drag him, or flat out refuse to let him go when he's explicitly said "I have to go very urgently right now" like four times. He can't just force his way through them and walk away for fear they'll go to the press. That's how rude and entitled some people are. Obviously that's different from the OP's situation but if someone is standing there gabbling on and on at her and she just walks away while they're in mid-flow, it could easily lead to gossip painting her as rude, which could be uncomfortable or worse.

And what do you do if you want to lie in a chair reading a book, and someone stands right up against the fence calling your name over and over, even after you've politely waved and said "good morning just have to read this book for work, chat later"?

Some people just refuse to be told.

Madamum18 · 10/07/2022 19:46

When the chat is longer than you want just say "Lovely talking to you but I need to ....

  • ...play with my baby now
  • ...Get some gardening done
  • ...Get some work done
  • ...have a bit of time to myself, you know how precious that is when looking after young children
  • ...get some work down before I go out
...or whatever

Then say Bye very clearly and walk away!

if they call out again just say " sorry cant talk now!¬" and carry on what you are doing

Re the "why is he crying" comment reply "ofcourse he is" and then start a conversation with each other and ignore comments or say "Cant talk, dealing with baby" ..

andf keep on with the tactic of "cant chat" till they get the message

shaggpilecarpet · 10/07/2022 19:51

It could be so much worse ,I do understand if you are maybe like me,( I hate interaction, but I am weird), you have a baby and people love babies and are interested.just be thankful they are nice but if you don't want to interact go inside when they get too much

GnomeDePlume · 10/07/2022 20:27

I don't get all the posters who seem to think that the only alternative to rude & intrusive friendly and sociable neighbours is dreadful neighbours who shout and scream all day and night.

It is possible to maintain a polite but friendly distance from neighbours without constant hanging over the fence chatting and without descending into full on music and shouting.

We take in post, return bins on bin day, allow workmen in to mend fences. All without needing constant chatting or even knowing our neighbours' names.

Keladrythesaviour · 10/07/2022 20:31

We had this in our last house - low fences - and honestly I miss it dreadfully now. We had such a wonderful community feel, but not the problems of a communal garden. I miss it all very much and we still visit our old neighbours now!

FusionChefGeoff · 10/07/2022 21:05

I've read similar threads and was impressed by advice to create a screened area / gazebo / pagoda type thing rather than massive fences along the whole boundary.

Could you draw a quick sketch of the gardens so we could advise if that might work??

Then you can escape into that bit after 5 mins of chit chat??

SEMPA1234567 · 11/07/2022 00:16

I can’t believe that there are so many people that would be happy to chat to the neighbours every time they want to use their garden! To me the garden is just like another room of my house, I wouldn’t want to have to make conversation with the neighbours every time I went to the kitchen and I don’t see this as any different! Don’t think this makes be antisocial though, I love having friendly neighbours and happily chat to mine when we see them in the street or around town but this level of intrusion would not be for me! I think you’d have to be a really chatty/extrovert to be ok with this, I like my garden to be private! I’d definitely be installing higher fence panels!!

FogoInn · 11/07/2022 08:15

You've made it into the press @BornIn1995

onelittlefrog · 11/07/2022 08:29

BornIn1995 · 08/07/2022 16:43

It appears this topic really splits the crowd - but I appreciate everyone’s challenges on my personal issues.

Equally I appreciate the empathy and suggestions. Definitely given me food for thought and potentially less expensive than shelling out for new fencing’s. Thanks so much everyone!

Just to reiterate. I appreciate nice neighbours, and it’s not that I don’t ever want to talk to them. But I am of the view that someone’s back garden is their private property and I would not think to intrude. If I’m out the front, however, I wouldn’t be so bothered.

I am not an assertive person, coupled with the fact that my neighbours don’t understand hints I drop. “I must go get the dinner on” is then followed by “oh what are you having? I made a really nice xyz the other night”. I then have to cut short my time in the garden.

It does not escape me that we’re lucky to have nice people around. But I stand by my opinion that my back garden is my private space and I shouldn’t have to feel anxious every time I go out in it as how to manage the neighbours (albeit I think I probably worded my original post a little too harshly!)

I understand OP (and am actually very similar in wanting privacy etc), but this really is completely to do with your own thought patterns/ inability to be assertive, and not your neighbour's fault.

They are just being friendly and it would be incredibly awkward to see you out there and not acknowledge you.

I'm the same as you but I can see that it's completely about the way I see things, rather than anything my neighbours are doing wrong!

If you want privacy, you just need to get higher fences/ put some hedges or trees around the garden, rather than expecting your neighbours to be less sociable when they see you.

TootsAtOwls · 11/07/2022 12:42

All the people suggesting you can excuse yourself by saying you're busy and go inside are missing the point that sometimes you just want to sit outside in peace, doing absolutely nothing!

If one set of neighbours do it the most I would put my seat right you against their fence so if they glance out they won't see you!

NashvilleQueen · 11/07/2022 12:59

My next door neighbour loves to chat. She is late 70s and lives alone.

Same here. My neighbour is 85 and widowed. Her children live a long way away and although they visit quite regularly she spends a lot of time alone during the week. We moved in during lockdown and the house had been empty for a few years before that. I think it's made a huge difference for her to have someone to say hello to during the day.

I think she comes out specifically when she sees me in the garden and she always shouts my name to start conversations but I'm happy with that. She's a lovely lady and we just chit chat about gardening and the weather etc and it's a nice thing. If I'm in the middle of something (eg between meetings when I'm working from home or in the middle of digging) I just tell her and cut things short.

MissStarry · 11/07/2022 14:32

There’s a difference between mutually enjoyable chit chat and being under siege and on edge with unwanted and incessant contact with no respect for privacy or personal space who don’t “get” basic manners and ignore social cues to leave alone, and therefore being unable to escape or just chill out on your own property.

Noone should have to make up excuses or feign a hectic urgent schedule just to get away from someone who is impacting on the enjoyment of their own home. The default should be keeping respectful distance unless both parties are wanting to have a conversation.

People on here saying how lovely it is are probably the perpetrators of not giving a flying fuck about how other people may feel about them talking at them when they’re trying to have some peaceful time enjoying the garden!

Of course they’ll think the problem is with those who want their home to be a private space as they’re shouting over the fence or insisting having low fences are amazing 😅

Batmannequin · 22/07/2022 11:16

I get your point, I understand that this can be intrusive when you want some private time on your own private property. However. Having had vile neighbours for the last 11 years it was like winning the lottery when they sold up this April and a lovely older lady moved in. She's very friendly and completely normal in contrast to the old neighbours. It feels like a weight we didn't realise we were carrying has been lifted and it's actually liberating. It's really not worth making things awkward with potentially good neighbours.

DOBARDAN · 22/07/2022 11:46

I sympathise OP
While it's nice to have neighbours who want to chat and take an interest, there is a limit
Some people just cannot stop talking and aren't deterred by the normal conversation ender of 'nice to chat, but I must ...'
I've even had a neighbour peer through thick hedging to talk to me, a good neighbour in many respects, but wow there was no such thing as being allowed to relax in the garden,
Still, there are worse neighbours to have

Petulathethird · 22/07/2022 11:53

I don't see it as a problem that your neighbours want to chat.

What I do see is an increasing number of people who can't tolerate any invasion of what they see as their privacy.

If this goes to its logical conclusion then we all end up in isolation. Human beings need other human beings. Look at the mental health problems that arose during lockdown, when people were isolated.

Just chat with them. You never know, they might be lonely.

Blackmoggy · 22/07/2022 12:18

This smacks of snobbery and superiority....

"My boundaries"....

They are friendly people saying hello FFS, Get over yourself.

I wish my neighbours were friendly, instead they're nasty bastards who complained about our removal van on the day we moved in!!

Blackmoggy · 22/07/2022 12:31

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DaniRabbity · 22/07/2022 14:49

What horrible, spiteful comments. You should be ashamed of yourselves, and maybe practice what you preach for once?

Read the OP, she's perfectly polite and she said she has had lengthy chats with them in the past, she just doesn't want to be screamed at, or deal with people with no social skills who refuse to listen to "hiya how are you doing sorry can't stop for a longer chat", or have to deal with people who yammer away at you for an hour and refuse to let you walk away.

People who talk at you and refuse to listen when you say you're busy are the narcissists, since they just use people for their own self-centred agenda.

Attacking people for wanting boundaries is Narcissist 101. I wonder why some posters here are so desperate to attack women for having boundaries, and tell us that women shouldn't be allowed to have boundaries. I find that very worrying indeed.

AlaskaThunderfuckHiiiiiiiii · 22/07/2022 15:19

I have a neighbour like this OP but whenever she wants to chat it’s always to make passive aggressive comments about what we do in our own house/garden but done in a nice tone e.g. mentioned about where my bins were in my garden because we don’t have ours around the side like she does even though it makes no difference to her life what so ever.

I just say hello and carry on when I see her now, I wouldn’t see her stuck I made a phone call for her a few weeks ago as she was struggling to do it but I don’t stop and chat now.

Sartre · 22/07/2022 15:20

I’m in this situation. New NDN moved in at the start of the year and the fence between our properties is very low so we can see straight into each other’s gardens. I don’t want to socialise every time I leave my house, sometimes just want to take the bin out or hang washing out in peace but they use their garden a lot so seem to be there most of the time. I’m an introvert and really socially awkward which makes things worse. I’ve found myself waiting for them to go inside or go out before I hang washing out just to avoid them. We didn’t have this issue with previous neighbour because she was never home. No advice really, just feel your pain.

Anon778833 · 22/07/2022 15:22

YANBU. I would hate this. Shouting across gardens is uncouth to me. But then, I am autistic so not very sociable. I would definitely put up higher fences in your position.

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