To think my neighbours have no boundaries!

[BornIn1995]

I want to see if I’m just being cynical or whether people would too get annoyed by this.

Moved to a new house last year, and have just had my first child. Neighbours were very friendly, and are all older than us (we’re 30s - they’re all late 40s - 60s.

We are renovating currently but obviously delayed due to baby’s arrival. And with this in mind we also don’t have much surplus cash at the moment as I am on Mat leave.

To set the scene: The garden fences are currently pretty low so you can see across everyone’s gardens.

When I am out in the garden the neighbours call across to me. And it drives me mad. They’re lovely people and very friendly - but it’s my private garden and I am out there with my baby. Not for a neighbourhood chat. If I wanted to chat I’d stand at the front of the house.

It’s not just one neighbour either - they all do it! I find it so intrusive! I just wouldn’t dream of doing it to someone else. I even had it the other day where I didn’t answer and they kept shouting “can you hear me?”.

We are just planning to get the fences re done so we have more privacy - but obviously this takes time and money.

AIBU to think that it’s annoying and seriously lacks boundaries?

It’s so difficult as I don’t want to say something and then create some awkward tension.

Anyone else had a scenario like this?

I've not read through all the replies here but I imagine you've had a lot of vile ones as usual (what's happened to mumsnet!) anyway OP, I agree with you it's so irritating to be out in your own space and have someone invade it by talking to you, and it's irritating that they don't think you would not want to be bothered.
We have the same situation even with a high fence, my elderly neighbour hears my DS in the garden and calls his name 🙄 and it puts me on edge. I have learnt to ignore him and he's stopped doing it so much now.
I would put headphones in if I were you and ignore whoever bothers you the most, then if she asks why you ignored her say "oops sorry I needed a bit of quiet time so I went in the garden for some peace with my music" that should plant the seed with that person and you can hopefully expect less bother next time!

And those people on here who "love a chat" and "it's good to be friendly" - try and understand that not everyone is like that and some people want a bit of peace!!!

I dont think you know how lucky you are to have polite, caring friendly neighbours...
So many people on here complain about neighbours who are horrible.
Try living next to neighbours who put nails in your vehicle tyres, try to poison the dog, throw paint on your car. Complain cos they hear your son on his Xbox gaming, but come home so drunk, they can't stand up and can't remember if they've brought their son home with them...they bring their friends back and party till all hours... I'd certainly swap you

I have intrusive neighbours on one side and it really puts me off spending time in the garden. They are clearly just bored and come into the garden almost every single time I'm there. He stands there smoking just reeling off stories about himself, his old job, anything really. He just goes on and on. If it's not him it's his wife talking on and on about her medical issues and her daughter. They aren't interested in me at all, they just want someone to sound off to.

It really is intrusive as I bought a house with a small garden as it's my sanctuary away from work, family, life! I like to potter and weed and plant and have purely my own thoughts. It doesn't matter how obvious I make it they just don't stop.
It's got to the point where I don't acknowledge them at all because it is never just 'hello'. It goes on for hours. That doesn't work, they literally just say 'excuse me Ticktick', then the long speech begins.

To top it they aren't very nice people. He shouts and moans all the time, thinks he know the best about everything, tells me alternative ways to do things I'm already doing, always has 'a mate who . . ', she is very nosy and tells me if I've been away for 2 days that she's worried about my cat (my mum feeds him, he's totally fine). They both smoke about 50 a day so they are always outside smoking, my son can't have his window open as it gets full of the stink of cigarettes, same in our bathroom.

There's no answer to it really. They are so thick skinned they clearly don't realise. I sound terrible but I love lots of my other neighbours and I'm happy for an occasional chat - just not to spend hours listening to their constant and daily moaning! I can't even hang my washing out without having to listen to it.

Even if I'm clearly busy doing things they just carry on talking whilst I'm digging etc. Arghhhh! Sorry to join your moan - it was good to get it all out. If you find a solution please let me know!

It appears this topic really splits the crowd - but I appreciate everyone’s challenges on my personal issues.

Equally I appreciate the empathy and suggestions. Definitely given me food for thought and potentially less expensive than shelling out for new fencing’s. Thanks so much everyone!

Just to reiterate. I appreciate nice neighbours, and it’s not that I don’t ever want to talk to them. But I am of the view that someone’s back garden is their private property and I would not think to intrude. If I’m out the front, however, I wouldn’t be so bothered.

I am not an assertive person, coupled with the fact that my neighbours don’t understand hints I drop. “I must go get the dinner on” is then followed by “oh what are you having? I made a really nice xyz the other night”. I then have to cut short my time in the garden.

It does not escape me that we’re lucky to have nice people around. But I stand by my opinion that my back garden is my private space and I shouldn’t have to feel anxious every time I go out in it as how to manage the neighbours (albeit I think I probably worded my original post a little too harshly!)

In my old house our gardens were a little way from the courtyards, and allotment style with a short fence only around ours. Every time I'd go out, one of the blokes, lets call him John, would hop over other people's gardens to come and chat. One day I had to say John, I'm not being rude but I only have 10 mins and I've got this weeding to do. He went away.

He kept coming back and tell me the same story each time. I ended up putting quite tall shrubs in his way so he couldn't see me go out.

Even on the day we left, we popped out to take cuttings to bring away with us and he still came over and told me the same bloody story. I had to say 'John, we are emigrating and leaving the house in 10 minutes, and I know all about your bee blog, We'll read it and leave you a message'. And he went away. Some people just don't get it.

If we move back there [we rent it], I'll make a point of saying 'I'm just having some quiet time, lovely and peaceful isn't it' and then not saying much else.

Trellis and creepers. If you re desperate you can get bamboo or horrible plastic leaves ones.

**Not recommending nasty plastic, but it might save your sanity

I have the same problem. I have planted tall shrubs to try and get some privacy. My neighbours are lovely, but if I'm in the garden I just want some peace and 5 minutes to myself. I couldn't even hang my washing out in my lunch break because I would get caught by one of the neighbours and be stuck outside for an hour.
I have since got more assertive but with one of the other neighbours, I have actually just had to go inside and close the door whilst she was still talking as no matter how many times I said I had to go, she carried on.
It's such a horrible position to be in, as you don't want to cause Ill feeling 😔

I have the same problem. I have planted tall shrubs to try and get some privacy. My neighbours are lovely, but if I'm in the garden I just want some peace and 5 minutes to myself. I couldn't even hang my washing out in my lunch break because I would get caught by one of the neighbours and be stuck outside for an hour.
I have since got more assertive but with one of the other neighbours, I have actually just had to go inside and close the door whilst she was still talking as no matter how many times I said I had to go, she carried on.
It's such a horrible position to be in, as you don't want to cause Ill feeling 😔

Agree screening with either shrubs, trellis/climbers or a gazebo/sail should afford you more privacy.

This would drive me mad OP

I think a quick Hi to neighbours across a fence is fine and friendly but anything more is intrusive.

And I don’t agree it’s your fault for finding it hard to end the conversation - that IS hard with some talkative people, it always feels a bit rude, and anyway they shouldn’t be putting you in the position where you have to!

I agree you need to attach some trellis to the fence to raise it and grow climbers pronto.

the majority of the posts on this site are just people asking how to function in a basic manner. Assertiveness isn’t even required here, like, this is How to Converse with a Human 101.

Yanbu I’m currently in an awkward situation due to my neighbour taking in my post and parcels against my express wishes - even though I wfh and am sat there waiting for the courier and watching him arrive… only for my neighbour to be intercepting him and insisting on taking delivery of my (potentially confidential/sex toy filled) parcels “helping” as it’s “easier” for him to have them and then drop them round sometimes with a corner/packaging ripped.

It’s not helpful or easier, it’s actually illegal so have now stated not to three times (escalated fervency each time) and ignored three times so now we’re not talking after I’ve made it clear my parcels are my business; unless I ask or want help it’s not helpful. I’ve had to update my delivery instructions that NOTHING is to EVER be left with the neighbour. To continue intercepting my post after I’ve said to stop is totally out of order.

It has now further kicked off after most recently walking outside into my usually private garden and him being on a ladder 10ft up staring in “helping” by starting to cut my hedge - not even his boundary (if he had any 😅) and which would take away privacy in my garden & give more view into it from his house so have had to tell him to back off again.

I’m up for cordial neighbourly chats etc but not the zero boundaries and lack of respect for personal space that some neighbours have - it’s like they push it too far and it sours things. Get the fence up OP!

Sorry clearly needed a vent there 😂 .

At the end of the day it’s your private space - you shouldn’t be put in that position of long chats every time you want to enjoy your garden. I agree with plants/bamboo/trellis and also a large windbreak to create a privacy cube in the interim.

I'd plant some hedges all the way round. Fencing is expensive, and you might find that it's a couple of years before you've got the money to pay for it.

In the meantime, I'd use some portable screening/ tall bamboo in pots / gazebos to create a secluded corner in the part of your garden that's least accessible to the neighbours. Your baby will need a shaded area of the garden to play in during the summer- this could be where the splashpool/ outdoor play mat goes. Keeping the baby out of the sun is your excuse.

Saying hello, or a wave of acknowledgment is one thing, responding if you walk across by the fence perhaps. Forty minutes, not taking hints is unreasonable.

I feel for you, OP. I'm friendly enough, but I'm also a massive introvert and crave privacy. This situation would drive me insane. I'd put up higher fences for sure - you could claim you need them higher because you want to grow lots of climbing plants and they need the support. Or that you need more shade. Some face-saving excuse.

Yeah, I've encountered lots of people like this, @ticktickticktickBOOM You are literally just a captive audience they can talk at. I have no compunction in ending conversations like this because they don't give a toss about you so I see no reason to give a toss about them.

When I bought my house there was a high hedge between me and my attached neighbour, which belonged to my property. I did not move in straight away, but arrived one day to find that the hedge at the back had been cut lower - not evenly along the length, but in two particular places. I was fuming, but tried to make a joke of it, whilst making myself very clear in that I wanted high hedges. I told them that I might be going out in a state of undress in the morning to let my chickens out etc. They said that the hedges had only been allowed to get so high because they dislike my predecessor so much, but they liked me and "didn't think I'd mind". They had planted bamboo on their side, and by this point it had come into the hedge and beyond. I know they'd like it gone now, but that won't be happening, and they've no-one to blame but themselves. I suspect that they wanted to see what I was doing in/with the garden, and to climb over and poach fruit/veg to boot - there was no other explanation for what they did at the end of my garden with the veg plot.

As the neighbours' is a HA property, I have to maintain the front hedge, but officially it does not belong to me, which I find rather annoying. If I did not maintain it and they decided to remove it, there would be a horrid chicken wire fence put in it's place. I wouldn't mind keeping that a bit shorter, enabling the odd wave hello/goodbye etc but having had some decidedly 'off' conversations with them in the past, it's clear their boundaries are skewed and I don't want to risk it.

If you really want privacy then the only way to go is a 6ft fence IMHO. Don't plant anything tall too close to it, or you may find that they need to trim their side whenever they think they may be missing something.

Yanbu and it sounds like your neighbours are completely socially
oblivious. I’m surprised to read some of these comments. You can’t exactly say ‘nice chatting but I need to get on now’ and then just go and lie in the sun in full sight of them! Get bamboo screening while you save up for a new fence.

I find the suggestions that the OP has to make up excuses to get away from nosy and intrusive sociable and friendly neighbours in her own garden bizarre.

😱

This (from GodspeedJune) is the perfect answer. Acknowledge their presence, say hello, and get on with what you were planning to do. So much better to have friendly neighbours than ones who are rude or ignore you. They are being welcoming!

This is going to be my new mantra. 'Right I'd better get on!'

Perfect. Thank you

I live on a street like this and I absolutely love it and my neighbours. We all get on well and it's a proper community.
What a shame you don't enjoy it.

I would put a board on fences , hello/hi proof fences.