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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is rude?

134 replies

Yhbvfg · 15/04/2022 14:19

People saying ‘you look pale’ or ‘you look tired, are you okay?’

Got ‘you look pale’ by a work colleague on Monday night (when I thought I look quite nice), and then this morning a different colleague said ‘you look tired. Are you okay?’ I said I was fine (which I am), and she said ‘oh it’s probably the stress of X’. I’m not stressed. I find it so rude.

AIBU?

OP posts:
JammyThing · 15/04/2022 14:21

It sounds like people are showing concern for you, which isn't rude.

Pemba · 15/04/2022 14:23

It depends how it was said. Have you got any reason to think it was a subtle dig?

Because normally I would take that at face value, as someone showing concern for you, and not rude.

Original poster
Yhbvfg · 15/04/2022 14:25

I don’t actually think they were having a dig, but I do think it’s still rude to comment negatively on how people look.

OP posts:
CatrinaSassy · 15/04/2022 14:27

@Yhbvfg

People saying ‘you look pale’ or ‘you look tired, are you okay?’

Got ‘you look pale’ by a work colleague on Monday night (when I thought I look quite nice), and then this morning a different colleague said ‘you look tired. Are you okay?’ I said I was fine (which I am), and she said ‘oh it’s probably the stress of X’. I’m not stressed. I find it so rude.

AIBU?

Yes I think it’s rude as it’s a poor choice of words. People can show concern using different words which are kinder
SolasAnla · 15/04/2022 14:28

They looked at you , are concerned, and gave you an opening to talk to them.

I don't think that is being rude.

PurpleDaisies · 15/04/2022 14:31

If it’s genuine concern, YABU.

Original poster
Yhbvfg · 15/04/2022 14:31

@SolasAnla

They looked at you , are concerned, and gave you an opening to talk to them.

I don't think that is being rude.

An opening can be ‘you must be busy lately. Are you okay?’ or just ‘are you okay?’ or ‘everything alright?’ There is no need to comment on how someone looks to ask if they’re okay, and in the first instance it was just ‘you look pale’ as a statement, not followed by a question about whether I was okay.
OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 15/04/2022 14:33

@PurpleDaisies

If it’s genuine concern, YABU.
But if makes the person feel shit afterwards it's not done with much thought is it?
carefullycourageous · 15/04/2022 14:35

Yes it is rude, and I usually just give people Hmm if they say that sort of thing.

If they gave a shit they would say something hepful, in my opinion it is a deliebrately undermining comment.

Madre123 · 15/04/2022 14:38

YOU LOOK IGNORANT! Are u feeling ok....😂

ZeroFuchsGiven · 15/04/2022 14:42

The sensitivity of some folk genuinely baffles me.

LolaStrange · 15/04/2022 14:48

You look pale, are you okay is rude.

See also, whens the baby due?

ouch321 · 15/04/2022 14:54

This is why I hate being naturally sickly pale - about a Mac 5 to 10 level - so so much. It's just a horrid look.

Without loads of foundation and blusher on to bring colour I always look vile and get the not well comments.

Naturally tanned people don't know how lucky they are!!!

KrisAkabusi · 15/04/2022 14:55

It's people showing concern. I wouldn't consider it rude. It's been said to me several times before.

LimeSupper · 15/04/2022 14:56

I also get asked if I’m tired when not wearing makeup 😂 I don’t think people see blonde eyelashes anymore - no mascara just means really tired apparently!

SolasAnla · 15/04/2022 14:58

You took offence, but did not think the speaker was trying to be mean.

Who ever spoke evidently did not think you looked your usual colour. You may normally to into work anything from tangoed to having a healthy glow.
They made a statement about you looking pale not that you looked as if you were draged backwards through a holly bush.🤷🏼‍♀️

mnnewbie111 · 15/04/2022 14:58

@ouch321

This is why I hate being naturally sickly pale - about a Mac 5 to 10 level - so so much. It's just a horrid look.

Without loads of foundation and blusher on to bring colour I always look vile and get the not well comments.

Naturally tanned people don't know how lucky they are!!!

It's weird people would comment if they see your skin is that colour every day. I'm dark but also go pale for me if I'm tired or unwell
Loopytiles · 15/04/2022 14:58

YANBU, agree, rude to comment negatively on appearance.

Thesearmsofmine · 15/04/2022 15:01

Yes it’s rude. If they are worried they can ask if you are in without saying you look pale or tired. I am very pale skinned and get told how pale I am all the time.

Original poster
Yhbvfg · 15/04/2022 15:13

@Thesearmsofmine

Yes it’s rude. If they are worried they can ask if you are in without saying you look pale or tired. I am very pale skinned and get told how pale I am all the time.
Yep, I’m pale too. I don’t know why people feel they need to tell me this.
OP posts:
mnnewbie111 · 15/04/2022 15:13

@ouch321 you don't not look vile. It's just a skin colour. I personally think the English rose look is beautiful and I think many people do

Original poster
Yhbvfg · 15/04/2022 15:13

@SolasAnla

You took offence, but did not think the speaker was trying to be mean.

Who ever spoke evidently did not think you looked your usual colour. You may normally to into work anything from tangoed to having a healthy glow.
They made a statement about you looking pale not that you looked as if you were draged backwards through a holly bush.🤷🏼‍♀️

But why comment at all?
OP posts:
Insertdeadcatsnamehere · 15/04/2022 15:16

Yes it's rude. I get this on a daily basis. I know I'm pale thanks, my skin has always been this colour.

Original poster
Yhbvfg · 15/04/2022 15:17

@LimeSupper

I also get asked if I’m tired when not wearing makeup 😂 I don’t think people see blonde eyelashes anymore - no mascara just means really tired apparently!
Funnily enough I wasn’t wearing makeup this morning, and when she said another colleague joked ‘she’s just not wearing makeup’.

It’s just really awkward. ‘You look tired, are you alright?’ so you say yes, feeling embarrassed and a bit annoyed as everyone stares at you, and if I was going through some great personal trauma, I’m hardly going to announce it to a group of colleagues.

OP posts:
1forAll74 · 15/04/2022 15:25

People will generally know if they look pale themselves., they don't need to be told. I would look a bit pale if i didn't put a bit of makeup on, and I generally look tired, as I have insomnia, and don't have enough sleep..