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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is rude?

134 replies

Yhbvfg · 15/04/2022 14:19

People saying ‘you look pale’ or ‘you look tired, are you okay?’

Got ‘you look pale’ by a work colleague on Monday night (when I thought I look quite nice), and then this morning a different colleague said ‘you look tired. Are you okay?’ I said I was fine (which I am), and she said ‘oh it’s probably the stress of X’. I’m not stressed. I find it so rude.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
Yhbvfg · 15/04/2022 19:56

it's either catty (in the case of my MIL who likes to tell me at every opportunity how exhausted I look) or the person saying it is a bit dim.

I also think some people just don’t understand how rude they are.

OP posts:
Original poster
Yhbvfg · 15/04/2022 19:57

@itsjustnotok

Blimey! The number of sensitive people on here…
You’re one of the people who tell people this then? It’s insulting, so stop.
OP posts:
Bunnybingesoneggs · 15/04/2022 20:00

Tell them stone faced you work a sex chat line 12 - 2 am every night. But it pays for your pole dancing lessons so you can't complain.

Smackthepony · 15/04/2022 20:37

I used to get this a lot OP. I’m naturally very pale. People would look all concerned and ask if I was ok because I looked very pale. They’d say are you unwell? I know they meant well but it was exasperating!. There were times when they offered to send me home from work. I don’t think it’s outright rude, just a little thoughtless.

Thesummeriwas16 · 15/04/2022 20:38

I really couldn't be offended at this!

GrapesThatThrive · 15/04/2022 20:43

I'm naturally very pale and hate this. I am not easily offended, other than this! It's constant though, and like OP said, often when I thought I looked quite nice and normal and healthy and happy.

People have actually been really rude to me in the past about my skin colour, not just asking if I'm ill or tired but calling my names and making remarks about my heritage Confused I really don't know why anyone would bother, I don't go around making comments on other people's skin colour.

For some reason my mum greets me with 'you look tired' every single time she sees me, which is 1-2 times per week. I've taken just to doing a sort of forced smile in response as I can't bring myself to say anything. I think it's a weird form of her showing she cares about me, but every single time for the last 20 years is verging on annoying.

ButtockUp · 15/04/2022 20:43

It's not rude, it's concern.

" you look fat" is rude.
"You look dirty " is rude.

"You look tired" suggests that you look tired.
"You look pale " suggests that you look pale.

Both together suggests that others think that you might be poorly.
Other people know better how you normally look than you do.

Thesummeriwas16 · 15/04/2022 20:45

@ButtockUp

It's not rude, it's concern.

" you look fat" is rude.
"You look dirty " is rude.

"You look tired" suggests that you look tired.
"You look pale " suggests that you look pale.

Both together suggests that others think that you might be poorly.
Other people know better how you normally look than you do.

Exactly!
GrapesThatThrive · 15/04/2022 20:45

I've looked pale 24 hours a day, 7 days a week for 37.5 years. I really, really don't need another person to tell me...

DoubleYouOhEmAyEn · 15/04/2022 20:48

It's thoughtless and can be really hurtful. They mean well mostly, just can't help being empathy-lacking fuckwits.

Thesummeriwas16 · 15/04/2022 20:50

@DoubleYouOhEmAyEn

It's thoughtless and can be really hurtful. They mean well mostly, just can't help being empathy-lacking fuckwits.
See, I've never thought this. I'm pale and have had the "you look pale" comment all my life but I don't think they're being rude but just showing some concern.
Original poster
Yhbvfg · 15/04/2022 20:50

@ButtockUp

It's not rude, it's concern.

" you look fat" is rude.
"You look dirty " is rude.

"You look tired" suggests that you look tired.
"You look pale " suggests that you look pale.

Both together suggests that others think that you might be poorly.
Other people know better how you normally look than you do.

I’ve asked this a few times but haven’t had anyone answer yet. If you look at someone and are concerned, why can’t you say ‘everything alright?’ instead of commenting on how a person looks?

I don’t understand why suggesting someone looks pale or tired and might therefore be ill is any less rude than saying ‘you look like you’ve put weight on. Are you okay?’ and suggesting you were simply concerned they’d developed a thyroid problem.

Commenting on people’s looks negatively is rude, and there is no so to do so in order to express concern. It can be expressed other ways.

OP posts:
Tortabella · 15/04/2022 20:53

Amazing the number of people insisting it's "concern" despite being told it's annoying and rude by those on the receiving end.

FYI - anyone who makes a habit of telling something "oh you look so tired" is automatically an idiot to me. Most people keep such thoughts to themselves rather than expressing them to the person, who has zero interest in hearing them. You aren't helping and likely make someone feel worse when you comment on their appearance like that. Just don't?

Thesummeriwas16 · 15/04/2022 20:53

If it bothers you so much can't you just reply I'm not poorly I'm just a pale person??

AcceptYourself · 15/04/2022 20:54

Yes I find this rude too. Especially when you feel perfectly fine and think you look OK; it's so disheartening!

Thesummeriwas16 · 15/04/2022 20:55

@Tortabella

Amazing the number of people insisting it's "concern" despite being told it's annoying and rude by those on the receiving end.

FYI - anyone who makes a habit of telling something "oh you look so tired" is automatically an idiot to me. Most people keep such thoughts to themselves rather than expressing them to the person, who has zero interest in hearing them. You aren't helping and likely make someone feel worse when you comment on their appearance like that. Just don't?

But that's your perception - I don't feel the same when people make comments like that to me.
GrapesThatThrive · 15/04/2022 20:55

If it bothers you so much can't you just reply I'm not poorly I'm just a pale person??

Seriously?

The person is basically telling you that you look like shit, and you're supposed to reassure them that it's ok, you just naturally look ill Confused

Tortabella · 15/04/2022 20:59

But that's your perception - I don't feel the same when people make comments like that to me.

I'm aware that it's my perception. And a lot of other people's on this thread too. Maybe you've got an unusually thick skin?

Thesummeriwas16 · 15/04/2022 21:01

@GrapesThatThrive

If it bothers you so much can't you just reply I'm not poorly I'm just a pale person??

Seriously?

The person is basically telling you that you look like shit, and you're supposed to reassure them that it's ok, you just naturally look ill Confused

Yes seriously, with everything that's going on in the world right now this is not worth a minutes' thought.
MrsSkylerWhite · 15/04/2022 21:02

No, they thought you didn’t look your usual self and were concerned. How is that rude?

Original poster
Yhbvfg · 15/04/2022 21:04

Well the voting is evenly split so I assume the 50% saying IABU are those who are saying these rude comments to the other 50% that they’re pissing off and embarrassing (with the exception of @Thesummeriwas16).

OP posts:
Ludo19 · 15/04/2022 21:06

It's the same old. Folk just opening their mouth aka verbal diarrhoea. Talking for the sake of talking. I get "smile" a lot (pre mask) I've a resting bitch face can't help it and I'm not going to cut about like a fucking clown to appease folk.

Original poster
Yhbvfg · 15/04/2022 21:06

@MrsSkylerWhite

No, they thought you didn’t look your usual self and were concerned. How is that rude?
Because I was my usual self. Nothing was wrong, and on Monday I was quite dressed up and thought I looked nice, to be told ‘oh you look pale and tired’. How can’t you see that that is rude?

Imagine having nice clothes on and thinking you look good and then having someone ask if you’re pregnant, or if you’ve put weight on.

OP posts:
Original poster
Yhbvfg · 15/04/2022 21:07

Yes seriously, with everything that's going on in the world right now this is not worth a minutes' thought.

And yet you’ve given it one.

OP posts:
Thesummeriwas16 · 15/04/2022 21:10

@Yhbvfg

Yes seriously, with everything that's going on in the world right now this is not worth a minutes' thought.

And yet you’ve given it one.

Oh my goodness, I have an opinion that isn't the same as yours - sorry about that!