Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is rude?

134 replies

Yhbvfg · 15/04/2022 14:19

People saying ‘you look pale’ or ‘you look tired, are you okay?’

Got ‘you look pale’ by a work colleague on Monday night (when I thought I look quite nice), and then this morning a different colleague said ‘you look tired. Are you okay?’ I said I was fine (which I am), and she said ‘oh it’s probably the stress of X’. I’m not stressed. I find it so rude.

AIBU?

OP posts:
LadyFlumpalot · 15/04/2022 21:11

It depends on who's saying it and in what context. My best mate saying "you look a bit pale, are you ok, is there anything I can help with?" is very different to nosy Brenda from accounts saying "ooooo you look tired, stressful week?" With my friend I know I can rely on her discretion and help if I need it, whereas Brenda is just bored and wants some gossip.

Luredbyapomegranate · 15/04/2022 21:13

I think it’s probably out of concern but yes you can ask if someone is ok without referencing their appearance

Thoughtless rather than rude though

TracyMosby · 15/04/2022 21:17

@LimeSupper

I also get asked if I’m tired when not wearing makeup 😂 I don’t think people see blonde eyelashes anymore - no mascara just means really tired apparently!
This! I cannot go round to my gran’s house without make up on as she wont have it that im ok, and will call me later in the evening crying because she is worried about me.
cherrypiepie · 15/04/2022 21:46

I agree it rude to comment on someone's appearance that implies judgement of some form.

"You look well" "have you lost weight" you look pale" "you look red" you look tired" or "I love you hair is it blue?" "No it's platinum blonde"

all rude and I did say two of these and felt like a dick. Some was red faced and I mentioned it and she had been busy cooking- felt a prize idiot'

Someone said "you look well" to me and never knew of was a euphemism for loosing weight and looking trim or Looking well fed Grin

Agree it is not kind to comment on peoples appeaeamce at all.

I do like and appreciate clothes but hat the idea of it being FLATTERING . "It SUITS you" is perfect. You scrub up well
Is also acceptable.

Sorry I was fat kid and heard it all!

Labscollie · 15/04/2022 21:53

Uninvited opinions can be rude. Now, if you'd asked how do I look today? That's a different matter.

Franklyfrost · 15/04/2022 22:06

‘Pale’ isn’t an insult.

‘Tired’ isn’t great but it’s more likely to mean ‘are you okay’ rather than ‘yikes you are ugly today’.

Unless the person who said it is always mean to you and this is just one of their milder insults, you need to get over yourself and accept that sometimes others are sometimes are a teeny bit thoughtless.

Original poster
Yhbvfg · 15/04/2022 22:09

@Franklyfrost

‘Pale’ isn’t an insult.

‘Tired’ isn’t great but it’s more likely to mean ‘are you okay’ rather than ‘yikes you are ugly today’.

Unless the person who said it is always mean to you and this is just one of their milder insults, you need to get over yourself and accept that sometimes others are sometimes are a teeny bit thoughtless.

Of course pale is an insult.
OP posts:
BettyOBarley · 15/04/2022 22:14

Yanbu, they are basically telling you you look like crap! If people are concerned for you there's ways to ask without commenting on your appearance.

My dad does this every time he sees me without make up on - are you ok, you look really tired (I have dark circles) and every time I say no dad, I've just got no make up on and he still says it the next time!

GrapesThatThrive · 15/04/2022 22:30

Yes seriously, with everything that's going on in the world right now this is not worth a minutes' thought

I mean, I'm not saying it should get the same level of media coverage as the invasion of Ukraine for example - but I think I'm allowed to be internally mildly miffed at people saying I look like shit to my face...? No? 😂

autienotnaughty · 15/04/2022 22:39

I'm pale and often look tired/miserable but honestly it's just my face. !! Get sick of being asked.

Tortabella · 15/04/2022 22:39

You need to get over yourself and accept that sometimes others are sometimes are a teeny bit thoughtless.

Nope. I know some people can be thoughtless but I reserve the right to not 'get over myself' - I'm not the one making negative comments about people's appearance. It's a bit like saying 'be kind' when actually the other person should improve their social skills.

Eoheleh · 15/04/2022 22:39

YANBU. People should mind their own.

AirFireWaterEarth · 15/04/2022 22:58

I'll say to you roughly what I say to my kids: people don't always express themselves perfectly and certain things they say may hit you slightly wrongly. But the most important thing is the intention of the person who's said it. If you know full well that what they're saying is coming from a good place then try to be gracious and take it in the spirit it was intended.

If you go around determined to be offended by clumsily worded kindness, sooner or later you'll get a general reputation and people (including those who wouldn't actually have offended you) will become more and more guarded and bland about what they say to you and/or stop engaging with you altogether because they won't be certain where the landmines are and will want to avoid trouble (especially if they work with you).

Basically, you can throw your toys out of the pram about the way people are showing you genuine concern of you want to, but you're likely to make your own life worse in the long run by doing so!

Thesummeriwas16 · 15/04/2022 23:00

@GrapesThatThrive

Yes seriously, with everything that's going on in the world right now this is not worth a minutes' thought

I mean, I'm not saying it should get the same level of media coverage as the invasion of Ukraine for example - but I think I'm allowed to be internally mildly miffed at people saying I look like shit to my face...? No? 😂

If someone said you looked shit then yeah I get it but they're not. Jesus!!
SilverDoe · 15/04/2022 23:00

Of course it's rude!! You can ask someone if they're okay in a sympathetic manner without mentioning their appearance!

I am very pale naturally and if I go into work not wearing foundation I get similar questions.

Thesummeriwas16 · 15/04/2022 23:01

@AirFireWaterEarth

I'll say to you roughly what I say to my kids: people don't always express themselves perfectly and certain things they say may hit you slightly wrongly. But the most important thing is the intention of the person who's said it. If you know full well that what they're saying is coming from a good place then try to be gracious and take it in the spirit it was intended.

If you go around determined to be offended by clumsily worded kindness, sooner or later you'll get a general reputation and people (including those who wouldn't actually have offended you) will become more and more guarded and bland about what they say to you and/or stop engaging with you altogether because they won't be certain where the landmines are and will want to avoid trouble (especially if they work with you).

Basically, you can throw your toys out of the pram about the way people are showing you genuine concern of you want to, but you're likely to make your own life worse in the long run by doing so!

This!
sweeneytoddsrazor · 15/04/2022 23:02

If you go up to someone every day and tell them they are pale then yes its rude, but to say you look a bit pale today are you ok? , is expressing concern. Asking how are you is more a general greeting and most people don't expect anything other than an ok thanks how are you type answer

Original poster
Yhbvfg · 15/04/2022 23:07

@AirFireWaterEarth

I'll say to you roughly what I say to my kids: people don't always express themselves perfectly and certain things they say may hit you slightly wrongly. But the most important thing is the intention of the person who's said it. If you know full well that what they're saying is coming from a good place then try to be gracious and take it in the spirit it was intended.

If you go around determined to be offended by clumsily worded kindness, sooner or later you'll get a general reputation and people (including those who wouldn't actually have offended you) will become more and more guarded and bland about what they say to you and/or stop engaging with you altogether because they won't be certain where the landmines are and will want to avoid trouble (especially if they work with you).

Basically, you can throw your toys out of the pram about the way people are showing you genuine concern of you want to, but you're likely to make your own life worse in the long run by doing so!

If they were genuinely concerned they’d take me to one side and ask. They wouldn’t blurt out ‘you look pale’ in front of other people. What actual kindness is that performing?

You should mention to your kids that they don’t have to accept people being rude to them just because they’re so thoughtless they don’t realise they’re being so rude.

OP posts:
AirFireWaterEarth · 15/04/2022 23:10

I should also say that I get the pale comments a fair amount and was once (in my distant youth!) pulled aside for a seriously concerned inquiry about whether I had an eating disorder because I was looking so pale and thin (spoiler: I did not).

I knew and know perfectly well that the person concerned had clearly agonised over my ridiculous whippet-like frame (which was inherited from my mother and deserted me on the stroke of 35) and blurted it out one day out of genuine concern. I suppose I could have taken your view of things and had a huff but I was actually quite touched that they'd clumsily gone out on a limb to offer help if I needed it and just laughed it off...

MrsSugar · 15/04/2022 23:10

Ppl say this to me loads. I am naturally very Fairskinned but have rosacea flair ups too so then I get ooh are you ok ? You look awful flushed. I don’t think ppl mean to be rude I think they just sortof say what they see ! I’m pretty thick skinned anyway so I don’t bother

Thesummeriwas16 · 15/04/2022 23:10

Have you confronted this terrible person @Yhbvfg?

Original poster
Yhbvfg · 15/04/2022 23:11

@sweeneytoddsrazor

If you go up to someone every day and tell them they are pale then yes its rude, but to say you look a bit pale today are you ok? , is expressing concern. Asking how are you is more a general greeting and most people don't expect anything other than an ok thanks how are you type answer
‘Are you okay? Not too busy?’ ‘Are you okay? We haven’t had a real catch up in a while.’ Etc. Loads of ways to ask without mentioning appearance.

The other one that does my head in is ‘are you okay? You’re very quiet’, when I’m perfectly happy and just listening to conversation. Or ‘are you okay? You don’t seem yourself’, when I’m absolutely fine. Then you feel self conscious about your behaviour and have to try and act in a way you guess they want you to just to avoid the awkward conversation of ‘are you okay?’ in front of a group of people while they all stare at you.

Fuck me it’s annoying.

OP posts:
Original poster
Yhbvfg · 15/04/2022 23:13

@AirFireWaterEarth

I should also say that I get the pale comments a fair amount and was once (in my distant youth!) pulled aside for a seriously concerned inquiry about whether I had an eating disorder because I was looking so pale and thin (spoiler: I did not).

I knew and know perfectly well that the person concerned had clearly agonised over my ridiculous whippet-like frame (which was inherited from my mother and deserted me on the stroke of 35) and blurted it out one day out of genuine concern. I suppose I could have taken your view of things and had a huff but I was actually quite touched that they'd clumsily gone out on a limb to offer help if I needed it and just laughed it off...

A huff? Grin
OP posts:
Original poster
Yhbvfg · 15/04/2022 23:13

@Thesummeriwas16

Have you confronted this terrible person *@Yhbvfg*?
It’s not one person.
OP posts:
FatFilledTrottyPuss · 15/04/2022 23:14

@Franklyfrost

‘Pale’ isn’t an insult.

‘Tired’ isn’t great but it’s more likely to mean ‘are you okay’ rather than ‘yikes you are ugly today’.

Unless the person who said it is always mean to you and this is just one of their milder insults, you need to get over yourself and accept that sometimes others are sometimes are a teeny bit thoughtless.

As someone who gets the ‘you look tired/pale/ill comments any time I go out in public or to work without makeup on it actually does feel like they might as well just say ‘yikes, you look like shit today’ sometimes I do reply that no, I feel fine thanks, I’m just ugly. And then I feel like shit for the rest of the day.