To think this is rude?

[Yhbvfg]

People saying ‘you look pale’ or ‘you look tired, are you okay?’

Got ‘you look pale’ by a work colleague on Monday night (when I thought I look quite nice), and then this morning a different colleague said ‘you look tired. Are you okay?’ I said I was fine (which I am), and she said ‘oh it’s probably the stress of X’. I’m not stressed. I find it so rude.

AIBU?

Maybe conversely they're being super polite as you look like shit and they're trying hard not to say it but subtly let you know so you do something about how shit you look? Maybe...

There are some people to whom I'm happy to express concern, or show an interest, but don't really feel like investing the energy to carefully assess whether or not the commonly-used words I use could, by some people, be taken as an insult.

I have my own issues to deal with. I could refuse to show any interest in other people, but I see from MN that there are some who find that insulting, too.

In general, unless you are close to someone, the precise nature, or existence, of an interaction is not all about you.

@amicissimma

There are some people to whom I'm happy to express concern, or show an interest, but don't really feel like investing the energy to carefully assess whether or not the commonly-used words I use could, by some people, be taken as an insult.

I have my own issues to deal with. I could refuse to show any interest in other people, but I see from MN that there are some who find that insulting, too.

In general, unless you are close to someone, the precise nature, or existence, of an interaction is not all about you.

Amen sister!

It's really wierd that so many people think pale is a bad thing , what an incredibly ridiculous statement and a bit pathetic really. People have all different types of skin.

I'm so pale I'm translucent, and I am anemic so frankly I glow in winter. I really don't mind being called pale. I am , that's my skin colour and frankly it is qierd and self hating to say pale is a bad thing.

The tired thing I sort of get, I do look tired often, I am used to it. Its at most mildly irritating when someone announces I look tired. To be fair I usually am. It's one of those things that isn't ok to say (the person above who uses it as a way to show caring really needs to read up on rescuing , toxic positivity etc....its not ok) but nor is it something to clutch your pearls.

I mean if they tell you you look like shit by all means offence is reasonable but saying you look tired is not even close to the same thing.

Severe lack of understanding around the English language if you can't tell the difference.

If someone says “I’m not feeling great today” then I don’t think it’s rude to say “You do look a bit pale” or “You don’t look as well as you usually do” out of concern. But I wouldn’t just say “You look pale/tired” unprompted as I do think that’s rude. I am extremely pale; it’s my natural complexion. I don’t really need people suggesting that means I look ill. Also often the reason a woman looks more tired or whatever might just be that she didn’t fancy bothering with makeup that day or something.

If you do want to express genuine concern for someone who is clearly not firing on all cylinders, then I think a better way to do it is to say “Are you OK, you don’t seem like your usual self today” or something like that.

I do think saying it unprovoked is the issue. Just ask someone how they are etc? Even the tiredness remarks get my back up, 9/10 times it's because I'm not wearing concealer. It's not about kindness / concern.

A bit rude yeah, more thoughtless - they probably aren’t meaning to be negative towards you.
I wouldn’t particularly like to be told I looked pale, but tbh am more likely to be told I look red! And don’t really like those sorts of comments.

I do think the majority of people claiming it is just concern are being a bit disingenuous.

I once had a woman say to me as I arrived at a social event, "Oh my god, you look terrible." I left my house looking and feeling both fine and happy, but not so great after that.

Some people are rude, some mean, and some so dim they can't put things they see together and feel they need to comment on every little thing, when in fact it's your face and none of their business most of the time. Genuine concern for a valid reason feels very different.

@milkyaqua

I do think the majority of people claiming it is just concern are being a bit disingenuous.

I once had a woman say to me as I arrived at a social event, "Oh my god, you look terrible." I left my house looking and feeling both fine and happy, but not so great after that.

Some people are rude, some mean, and some so dim they can't put things they see together and feel they need to comment on every little thing, when in fact it's your face and none of their business most of the time. Genuine concern for a valid reason feels very different.

That is so rude. Also a bit of a power move, you are immediately put on the defensive when someone tells you you look tired/pale/terrible. In my experience people who aren't out to get the upper hand in some way don't comment negatively on appearance. Those who do might just be a bit dim or thoughtless but in the case of some when you turn it around on them they really don't like it, which shows it's also a way of negging you and then pleading 'concern' if they get pulled up.