To think this is rude?

[Yhbvfg]

People saying ‘you look pale’ or ‘you look tired, are you okay?’

Got ‘you look pale’ by a work colleague on Monday night (when I thought I look quite nice), and then this morning a different colleague said ‘you look tired. Are you okay?’ I said I was fine (which I am), and she said ‘oh it’s probably the stress of X’. I’m not stressed. I find it so rude.

AIBU?

Like a previous person said much more eloquently than I people are trying to be kind and would be mortified if they realised they've upset you.

Yes, a huff! An expression of petty annoyance. Perhaps there is a generational divide here...

Look, you know the difference between someone deliberately having a sly dig at you under the guise of concern vs someone actually being a little bit concerned about you and expressing it in a way you might not like. All I'm saying is if it's the latter you might be better served by a bit more tolerance!

I'd rather people noticed when I seemed not right, tbh I'd rather risk pissing off someone like the OP then end up ignoring the person who is desperately wanting someone to reach out to them.

I'm an exceptionally pale person who often looks a bit tired and can't be bothered to put on make-up (really selling myself here). People never say "You look pale" or "you look tired" because I just look how I always look.

If several people are saying it then yes, they should find a more tactful way to show concern, but I would guess that you don't look your usual self in some way.

@AirFireWaterEarth

Yes, a huff! An expression of petty annoyance. Perhaps there is a generational divide here...

Look, you know the difference between someone deliberately having a sly dig at you under the guise of concern vs someone actually being a little bit concerned about you and expressing it in a way you might not like. All I'm saying is if it's the latter you might be better served by a bit more tolerance!

I’m not sure it can be a huff when the people involved have absolutely no idea I’m annoyed.

@WhiteFire

I'd rather people noticed when I seemed not right, tbh I'd rather risk pissing off someone like the OP then end up ignoring the person who is desperately wanting someone to reach out to them.

Can you think of no way to ask if someone is okay other than by commenting on their looks? Seriously?

I would say this thread is your huff!

@TheYearOfSmallThings

I'm an exceptionally pale person who often looks a bit tired and can't be bothered to put on make-up (really selling myself here). People never say "You look pale" or "you look tired" because I just look how I always look.

If several people are saying it then yes, they should find a more tactful way to show concern, but I would guess that you don't look your usual self in some way.

Two people, both of whom I do like very much.

The first does have form for being extremely thoughtlessly rude. She was the one who came over and said ‘you look pale’. That was it. No expression of concern. She also told me a couple of weeks ago that the way I had my hair ‘made me look 12’, and she often tells her granddaughters they need to lose weight. It’s so rude, but I genuinely don’t think it’s malicious. Still not okay though.

The second said I looked tired today in front of a group of colleagues. She isn’t usually thoughtlessly rude, so I do think she was probably trying to be nice, but it’s the rudeness of the initial comment then the ‘oh it’s probably the stress of X’ when I said I wasn’t tired. Can we please not have a group conversation about how I look? It is rude.

@AirFireWaterEarth

I would say this thread is your huff!

Perhaps, but I haven’t sent said people a link to this thread so they don’t actually know about it.

Two people

Well, two people for the pale/tired comments. But you also mentioned:

The other one that does my head in is ‘are you okay? You’re very quiet’, when I’m perfectly happy and just listening to conversation. Or ‘are you okay? You don’t seem yourself’, when I’m absolutely fine.

So generally you seem to get a lot of comments meaning "Is something wrong?". And although they should find a more private space to ask (or keep their thoughts to themselves), it seems to be coming from a place of inept concern.

@Tortabella - my MiL does exactly the same to me "oooh you do look tired' every time we meet. Just a knee jerk greeting.

Once I thought I'd test out if she genuinely meant it "kindly" and I was being unreasonable to feel so pissed off with it... so I said,

"No, I'm absolutely fine, but you do look tired yourself - are you okay?"

Needless to say she was very defensive and huffy about being "fine". Enough said 🤨

Copped this all my life. My skin is pale and I do have darkness under my eyes due to the skin tone. One of my kids is the same. We have both had to hear people say that and we jusg respond with the fact our skin is just pale... 🤷
I'm can be a sensitive over thinker but that particular question or statement has never really bothered me.

[quote CorsicaDreaming]@Tortabella - my MiL does exactly the same to me "oooh you do look tired' every time we meet. Just a knee jerk greeting.

Once I thought I'd test out if she genuinely meant it "kindly" and I was being unreasonable to feel so pissed off with it... so I said,

"No, I'm absolutely fine, but you do look tired yourself - are you okay?"

Needless to say she was very defensive and huffy about being "fine". Enough said 🤨
[/quote]
Yep, this.

I do think the majority of people claiming it is just concern are being a bit disingenuous.

I’m outlandishly pale. It is even commented on in one of my school reports and I’ve even had strangers stop me in the street to check I’m ok.

It worked in my favour once. I worked in retail and one day we had a cover manager, she didn’t know me and asked if I was ok as I looked very pale. I was fine but told her I felt a bit off. She sent me home at lunch time.

'People' always say you don't need to wear makeup but every time I don't it's always 'are you ok' 'are you ill' 'you look tired' 🙄🙄 I'll keep putting my slap on thanks

@Ionlydomassiveones - your colleagues can probably sense that you are being genuinely caring, whereas in the case of the OP - and me and my MiL, there is a sense that it's a bit of faux concern and disingenuous.

Um, no, if it's people you work with evidently they think you look different than you usually do and wonder if you are feeling ok.

That's not rude.

This thing where people need to weigh every single word before they speak is really a bit much. People pale isn't a particularly bad thing in and of itself anyway.

I got this my entire life. Never bothered me but I wish I had known about the genetic condition I had which caused the paleness. Looking at old photos I cannot believe just how pale I was. Still, it never bothered me because a)I was actuallly pale and b) it was never with anything other than concern/kindness or at least, I never took it as anything but 🤷‍♀️

I wouldn’t let it bother you to be honest.

I had a woman offer me her seat on the tube a couple of months ago, and the train was full and everybody looked but I just said “No Thank you, I’m fat not pregnant.lol

You can’t change people.

What is it with all these ridiculous posts on MN at the moment?? People have been saying that sort of thing to others forever, most of us either ignore it, or have a quick run to the mirror to check! It's really not something to create a drama over.

I hate it when people say that, it can ruin your day. Especially when you spent time putting makeup on and choosing a nice outfit as well. I know people who say it repeatedly after I've said, no I slept well thanks a few times. It does feel like these people who keep saying it over and over again, every time I see them are trying to be hurtful, why would you keep saying it it when the person has said ' no I'm fine thanks I slept well'.

@Yhbvfg - It really isn't disingenuous to have a different opinion!

It's ironic that people are getting offended on behalf of all these 'well-meaning' but ultimately rude folk who think nothing of drawing negative attention to someone else's appearance, but can't give the same consideration to someone who is telling them that they find it hard to hear negative comments on their appearance.

We aren't all able to just decide to be 'thick skinned' - not everyone is bursting with self esteem and able to brush off critical comments without wishing that people wouldn't draw attention to their flaws in front of their friends/colleagues.

For those who insist that if you care about someone it's fine to make them feel bad about the way they look, perhaps it would also be OK to take a different approach instead?

It's only mumsnet, nobody can use this thread to force you into doing anything differently, but maybe consider whether someone who might already be feeling fragile is more likely to welcome a friendly enquiry about how they're doing than one that's attached to a negative comment on their looks.

If you go around determined to be offended by clumsily worded kindness, sooner or later you'll get a general reputation and people (including those who wouldn't actually have offended you) will become more and more guarded and bland about what they say to you and/or stop engaging with you altogether because they won't be certain where the landmines are and will want to avoid trouble (especially if they work with you).

Oh you are definitely one of those people who goes around telling everyone they look tired.

And possibly of those 'I'm sorry my comments offended you' people too.