To think this is rude?

[Yhbvfg]

People saying ‘you look pale’ or ‘you look tired, are you okay?’

Got ‘you look pale’ by a work colleague on Monday night (when I thought I look quite nice), and then this morning a different colleague said ‘you look tired. Are you okay?’ I said I was fine (which I am), and she said ‘oh it’s probably the stress of X’. I’m not stressed. I find it so rude.

AIBU?

You say you had no makeup on. She noticed you looked pale. Why are you taking offence at the fact that she took the time to see you.

@SolasAnla

You say you had no makeup on. She noticed you looked pale. Why are you taking offence at the fact that she took the time to see you.

Eh?

@SolasAnla

You say you had no makeup on. She noticed you looked pale. Why are you taking offence at the fact that she took the time to see you.

I wasn’t going to bother correcting the inaccuracies in this, but sod it.

She didn’t say pale, she said tired. She didn’t take the time to see me, I took the time to go and help her with something.

I agree. You can show concern without making a personal comment about someone’s appearance. If someone feels perfectly fine and another person tells them that they look so pale that they look unwell then they risk making that person feel rather upset and self conscious.

I guess you could always wait until they look serious or thoughtful and say, “Why are you upset? Is it your haircut?”

Im very fair, but never wear makeup. If a colleague said Iooked pale I'd see it as care and interest. I saw a colleague who looked very pale and washed out the other day, I didn't say anything because I assumed they were without ther usual makeup. Tested postive for Covid the next day. I then felt bad I hadn't asked. It is a bit of a minefield!

You can be fair skinned and literally have skin like milk and look fantastic

But looking pale is never a good thing . Its usually an underlying cause such as stress not enough sleep or an iron difficiency.

Their comments arent rude. Just concerns

@Marvellousmadness

You can be fair skinned and literally have skin like milk and look fantastic

But looking pale is never a good thing . Its usually an underlying cause such as stress not enough sleep or an iron difficiency.

Their comments arent rude. Just concerns

Well exactly. Looking pale isn’t a good thing. So why would you say it to someone?

@Marvellousmadness

You can be fair skinned and literally have skin like milk and look fantastic

But looking pale is never a good thing . Its usually an underlying cause such as stress not enough sleep or an iron difficiency.

Their comments arent rude. Just concerns

You look a bit shit today, just being a good friend.

I know I often look tired when I'm not. It makes me feel like crap if someone says I look tired as I've often done my best to not look like that

@Marvellousmadness

You can be fair skinned and literally have skin like milk and look fantastic

But looking pale is never a good thing . Its usually an underlying cause such as stress not enough sleep or an iron difficiency.

Their comments arent rude. Just concerns

I disagree, I think many people comment on people being pale when they mean fair just as they do on height, weight, hair, clothes etc.

People are rude!

Wtf is 'oh, you're wearing a skirt today' for example?

It’s also rude to tell someone they look well - it means they’ve put on weight apparently.

@Ionlydomassiveones

I say this often to people I care about. It’s a way of checking in and showing that you see them. The intentions behind it come only from concern and love. What a shit show when care is considered rude these days…

Can’t you ask them how they are without insulting their looks?

Do they actually look pale and tired?

@Ionlydomassiveones

I say this often to people I care about. It’s a way of checking in and showing that you see them. The intentions behind it come only from concern and love. What a shit show when care is considered rude these days…

I don't understand how saying they look shit is caring

"Can’t you ask them how they are without insulting their looks?"

They didn't insult your looks! They thought you looked pale or tired (this is not an insult), presumably you looked paler or tireder than normal to them, and they asked if you were OK whilst also informing you of why they were asking.

Jeez, some people are just determined to find offence anywhere.

I think it's rude, especially because I have health conditions and there's not much I can do about the paleness. It just annoys me.

@WhereYouLeftIt

"Can’t you ask them how they are without insulting their looks?"

They didn't insult your looks! They thought you looked pale or tired (this is not an insult), presumably you looked paler or tireder than normal to them, and they asked if you were OK whilst also informing you of why they were asking.

Jeez, some people are just determined to find offence anywhere.

Of course it’s insulting. Looking pale and tired isn’t a good thing.

I get this because I'm basically pasty but I don't think it's rude unless they keep on about it after I say I'm fine etc.. for example you look tired/pale are you ok?...yes I'm fine it's just I'm pale...you look really tired...ok that's enough!

://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ysdaECd2cLY

'My word, you do look queer' by Stanley Holloway, (May he rest in eternal glory).

I used to work with a lady who would say this to me most mornings.. 'you look tired, or you're very pale are you ok' it used to do my head in so much but in the end I would say to her 'nope this is just my face I'm absolutely fine' .. it did really get on my nerves, no one else in the office ever told me I looked like rubbish lol

It's interesting that those who find it rude seem to be those that have this kind of thing said to them, whereas those who are saying it isn't are all saying 'if someone said that to me' or 'if I'm saying that to someone it's because...'.

It's easy to tell people they are wrong to feel offended when you are not on the receiving end (or perhaps the originator of this kind of comment) but why don't you believe people that say they experience this regularly and find it insulting?? There are plenty of ways to show someone you care without having to caveat that with telling them they look shit first. Whether someone is tired or not, telling them that they look tired isn't going to make them feel good about themselves.

Yes it's rude. I have a chronic autoimmune condition and often struggle to feel good if I am having a flareup, but as it's an invisible illness I often can feel like absolute crap but will push through.

People saying "oh you look tired" invariably makes me feel worse.

Personally, knowing how it makes me feel, I would ask someone how they are rather than comment on their appearance negatively, because I have no idea about their underlying or invisible health issues.

I just wouldn't say it. It's rude and also ignorant as you don't know what people are going through, and I assume it's either catty (in the case of my MIL who likes to tell me at every opportunity how exhausted I look) or the person saying it is a bit dim.

It's rude, unless you actually look unwell.

Someone asked me yesterday if I was retired, I'm not near retirement age, but she said she thought I was.

Do I think that maybe someone about 20 yrs younger than me just wouldn't know, or do I look really shit?

@Funkyslippers

I know I often look tired when I'm not. It makes me feel like crap if someone says I look tired as I've often done my best to not look like that

Exactly!! It's that thing when you're struggling to just get through your day and be normal and someone helpfully points out you look like shit (and telling someone they look tired is, essentially, telling they they look like shit.)

I always wonder what they would say if you said, 'SO DO YOU!! ABSOLUTELY EXHAUSTED! ARE YOU OK?"

But I have manners.

Blimey! The number of sensitive people on here…