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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not tell MIL we want to move abroad?

130 replies

Londonlife123 · 23/01/2022 19:53

My husband and I are currently looking for jobs in Asia to move to this July. We have got 2 young children. We have not told my husbands mother yet as we assume she would be very upset, but we don't want to tell her unless it is a definite yes. She sees them roughly once a week for a few hours with us there. Do you think it is the right thing to not tell her now, or do you think she would be more hurt if we were to tell her last minute?
Yabu- you should tell her now
Yanbu- don't tell her until it is confirmed by
Also, do you think it is really nasty of us to move so far away? It has been a dream of mine and my husbands for a few years now and we thought it is the perfect time before our kids start secondary school.

OP posts:
drpet49 · 23/01/2022 19:53

I would tell her now, more notice the better especially as she sees the kids regularly

moomee12 · 23/01/2022 20:07

I wouldn't say anything until you know it's definitely happening.

Neolara · 23/01/2022 20:09

I think it would be massively unkind to tell her just before you go. She will be extremely hurt. I think it's a bit odd you can't see this.

onewednesdayindecember · 23/01/2022 20:12

If you’re actively looking for jobs it seems very mean not to tell her now. What is the thought process behind leaving it until the last minute?

Fuckitydoodah · 23/01/2022 20:13

You have to tell her sooner rather than later. She needs time to come to terms with it. To spring it on her close to you going would surely be much more distressing for her. Is she fit enough to travel and see you if you do go?

I don't think you're nasty to go. You have to follow your dreams.

jellybe · 23/01/2022 20:15

I would tell her now. Give her time to adjust to the idea. Has this idea never come up in conversation with her before you got to the point of activity looking for jobs?

SoftSheen · 23/01/2022 20:15

You should tell her as soon as possible. Very unkind to do otherwise.

Tal45 · 23/01/2022 20:18

The thing is if it doesn't happen for whatever reason then you'll have upset her for nothing. I would just mention to her that it's something you're thinking about so that she is aware it might happen.

Original poster
Londonlife123 · 23/01/2022 20:21

@Tal45 this was my thinking... if it doesn't happen then I wouldn't want her to get upset for no reason.

OP posts:
Aroundtheworldin80moves · 23/01/2022 20:22

Pre Covid, living abroad was OK. We all flew around as needed, even at short notice.

However, PILs haven't seen BIL and family, living in China, since Summer 2019 now. Maybe this autumn as they moving to another Asian country... or they might not. No one can plan really still. (We moved back to the UK not long before Covid hit which we consider fortunate)

There will be upset and heartache. But we all have our reasons for moving.

Original poster
Londonlife123 · 23/01/2022 20:24

I do feel absolutely awful on her as they are her only grandchildren. But we both really want to try living abroad. I feel like if we stay here we will always regret not going, but if we go there will be heartache.

OP posts:
WhiteXmas21 · 23/01/2022 20:29

It’s not easy, but you do have to follow your own path. So you are not at all in the wrong for wanting to go.
But it’s not a bad thing to tell her you are looking into the idea, give her time to prepare.

HelloFrostyMorning · 23/01/2022 20:35

@Aroundtheworldin80moves

Pre Covid, living abroad was OK. We all flew around as needed, even at short notice.

However, PILs haven't seen BIL and family, living in China, since Summer 2019 now. Maybe this autumn as they moving to another Asian country... or they might not. No one can plan really still. (We moved back to the UK not long before Covid hit which we consider fortunate)

There will be upset and heartache. But we all have our reasons for moving.

This. ^

You are not 'nasty' @Londonlife123 to move 6000+ miles away, but I wouldn't. Not in a million years. SO many people have regretted it, especially since covid. I would never move overseas. My family is half hour to 45 minutes drive away, and I would not want them any further away. That's just me though.

Original poster
Londonlife123 · 23/01/2022 20:40

@HelloFrostyMorning thank you for your reply.
Do you mean you know so many who have regretted moving because of covid restrictions?
Ideally we would go when there are no more restrictions but that could be years from now.

OP posts:
ISeeTheLight · 23/01/2022 20:44

Have either of you ever lived abroad? I've lived abroad for over 15 years and it's still hard, AND I moved before having DD AND it's only across the channel. Not saying don't do it, but it will be very hard. Agree with PP especially now with covid.

As for telling MIL - of course you need to tell her ASAP! She'll be upset no matter what but you need to give her some time to come to terms with it, and if you wait she'll be even more hurt that you never mentioned it whilst considering it.

ShinyHappyPoster · 23/01/2022 20:48

Are you worried she would want to move with you? Because I see no other reason for lying to her every week.

grapewine · 23/01/2022 20:48

You're not unreasonable for wanting to go, but you'd be unreasonable to tell her last minute.

grapewine · 23/01/2022 20:49

Have either of you ever lived abroad? I've lived abroad for over 15 years and it's still hard, AND I moved before having DD AND it's only across the channel. Not saying don't do it, but it will be very hard. Agree with PP especially now with covid.

And yes, something to consider.

Original poster
Londonlife123 · 23/01/2022 20:49

@ISeeTheLight yes, I have lived in Malaysia, Japan and Spain but all were before children.
It was hard at times but I loved the experience and really look forward to having an adventure with my husband and children.

OP posts:
BowtieBling · 23/01/2022 20:51

Who else knows?
Wouldn't be kind for Grandparents to be the last to know but if other family members, including the children don't know then I wouldn't be talking about it unless it was a certainty.
What does DH think?

Forgetaboutme · 23/01/2022 20:52

Do your children know? I would definitely mention it's something you're thinking of. If you end up not going she will just feel relieved. If you do go it gives her time to get her head around it.

Original poster
Londonlife123 · 23/01/2022 20:55

The children are too young to understand so they don't know. It was my husbands idea to not tell her as he doesn't want to upset her. But you are all right, she needs ro know we are thinking about it.

OP posts:
ButtockUp · 23/01/2022 20:56

Tell her now. She'll be really upset if you tell her at the last minute as she'll thing you've been hiding a big family secret from her.

bert3400 · 23/01/2022 20:57

We moved abroad 2 years ago and told our families as soon as we were thinking about it . I think it's better to tell ASAP so she has time to get used to the idea. Will she be able to visit ? May be you could.buy her a plane ticket for September/October, so she knows she won't have too long to wait till she sees you all again .

Original poster
Londonlife123 · 23/01/2022 21:03

@bert3400

We moved abroad 2 years ago and told our families as soon as we were thinking about it . I think it's better to tell ASAP so she has time to get used to the idea. Will she be able to visit ? May be you could.buy her a plane ticket for September/October, so she knows she won't have too long to wait till she sees you all again .
That is a really lovely idea. I will suggest that to my husband. I hope you are having a lovely time!!
OP posts:
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