To not tell MIL we want to move abroad?

[Londonlife123]

My husband and I are currently looking for jobs in Asia to move to this July. We have got 2 young children. We have not told my husbands mother yet as we assume she would be very upset, but we don't want to tell her unless it is a definite yes. She sees them roughly once a week for a few hours with us there. Do you think it is the right thing to not tell her now, or do you think she would be more hurt if we were to tell her last minute?
Yabu- you should tell her now
Yanbu- don't tell her until it is confirmed by
Also, do you think it is really nasty of us to move so far away? It has been a dream of mine and my husbands for a few years now and we thought it is the perfect time before our kids start secondary school.

I wouldn't tell her until you knew it would definitely be going ahead. And at the same time I would offer to pay for her flights at least once a year as a softener.

It's very easy nowadays to stay in touch, if you want to. My DC speak to their DP at least once a week through video calling, we normally would see them every 3-4 months (pandemic aside!) and my DP miss the kids like crazy but say themselves that they don't want us to come back as the DC just wouldn't have the same opportunities.
DPIL barely bother. DFIL has never visited (16 years!) DMIL used to come every 12-18 months (pre-pandemic). They never call (DH calls them once a week on his commute) and when we used to visit they never made an effort. DFIL said 'it's not my fault they chose to move abroad'. The kids love them, but are much more invested in my DP, which is quite sad really.

So... your DMIL will get out what she puts in. The world is a much smaller place these days.

Life is short. Live your dream! Just be kind with her and don't rush her as she navigates her emotions.

Could you take her with you?

[quote Londonlife123]@Gazelda thanks for your reply. I am sorry that you have been put in that situation.
My husband has a brother who lives very close to his mum. I have siblings on my side but my parents are not around.
For my mother in law and care for her.... we are looking to be back in England for when my children are in secondary school (although I know you can't plan things like that). So by then (say 10 years time) my mother in law will only be 70 so hopefully relatively good health. This is another reason why I want to do it sooner rather than later.[/quote]
By the way - this is the thing to lead with. You are having a temporary adventure abroad, after which you are planning to move back home. She will (I’m thinking about myself ) cope so much better if she can think that it’s not forever.

Tell her you are looking into it.
But do it, it sounds an amazing opportunity for you all. Even if she tells you not go it’s your lives, live them. But telling her now means more time to adjust and get excited with you about visiting. It’ll soon come around.

Better to tell her now that you're thinking about it, then you can help her come to terms with the idea before it's a definite plan. She'll be upset, but advance warning will ease the blow.
Don't do what my sibling did - sibling was moving overseas also with the only grandchild in the family. They told my parents they were taking a year-long job because they thought it would ease the blow. Parents were supportive and looked forward to visiting. Then at the end of that year were utterly devastated when sibling revealed the job was never for one year but was permanent.
Honesty always the best policy.

My BIL and his wife moved to a country in Asia about 10 years ago. I know my PIL were upset when they first moved, but they've got used to it now. They Zoom regularly. My PIL have never traveled to see them as they don't like long-distance travel and my BIL's travel plans have been derailed since Covid began.

Tbh, I'd let her know what you're thinking as soon as possible, definitely as soon as you have firm plans. My BIL prefers living in his current location and has no intention of returning, but you intend to return so it's not forever. Good luck.

@Londonlife123 there were three months between telling and going (my notice period. We were DH, three DCs and me. DCs were young, 6, 3 and 1.

We had told DM that if we ever had the chance we would move abroad but we didnt tell her I had applied for a job until I got it.

At 60 your MIL is still plenty young enough to travel out to see you, and if she is already retired that means she could come for more relaxed extended visits (if that suited you as well as her...).

I think offering to pay for annual flights out, as well as an annual trip home for you, I assume, plus regular video calls, may make it all easier than you think. Covid restrictions are still tight in some places (Hong Kong, China, Japan), but already lifting in others (eg Singapore), and they can't last for ever.

Explaining that you are planning to be back in a few years will also help. But ultimately it is your lives, your decision, and it sounds like it is the perfect time to do it.

I think you should tell her ASAP you are thinking about it but may not happen

We left the Uk for Asia (then on to Africa, back to Asia and now back in the Uk) when our children were 7 and 9. They were very close to their grandparents and I dreaded telling my mum. However, I am glad I waited until we were pretty sure of a job offer before I did. The first job we invested so much time in, researching online potential schools and housing, only for it to fall through. It was another year until we moved - one thing I have leant is that you can’t plan anything. I would wait until you have an offer on the table until you speak to your MIL. I imagine it would be at least 3 months after this (probably longer just now) for the visa to come through so plenty of time to spend talking about the new country, flights out, potential holidays with her. We spoke about dates for my mum to come out before we even left so she would know exactly when she would be seeing us again. The goodbyes were horrendous and quite traumatic for the kids. Although my mum was devastated about us going it opened new doors for her and changed her relationship with our children, instead of seeing them weekly she would come and stay for a month at a time, go on holiday with us, come to school everyday, wake up with the kids on Christmas morning etc things she didn’t really do in the Uk.

Moving overseas was the best thing we did, I can honestly say I don’t regret a thing. Moving home however is waaaaaaayyyy harder!!!! Good luck!

You are not 'nasty' Londonlife123 to move 6000+ miles away, but I wouldn't. Not in a million years. SO many people have regretted it, especially since covid. I would never move overseas. My family is half hour to 45 minutes drive away, and I would not want them any further away. That's just me though.

Exactly the way I see it too. Only difference is that parts of my family are 3-4 hours away, in the same country, and it pains me how infrequently we get to see them, with the distance, difficulties with term times, annual leave etc.

You have to do what's best for you, but she is going to be absolutely bereft. If it is 10 years, it's not just her going from 60-70 (which is quite a time of change for many people), but the age of the children. 10 years of their childhood without having her as a part of their lives will seriously impact how close they are to her for the rest of her life.

By all means go, if it's what you've set your heart on, but accept that it will come at the expense of your family's relationship with her - and I can't se how she isn't going to be devastated

I think you should tell her ASAP you are thinking about it but may not happen

I agree that this is by far the best way. That way, if she does decide that she'd like to move out there too, should you go, she has time to make plans for herself.

Whether or not it's the intention, waiting until the last-minute before telling somebody that you're making a highly significant life change, instead of including them in your plans/thoughts from the start, is commonly seen as a snub and a deliberate way to weaken their arm in being able to decide how to react to it.

Why can't you be honest and just say that it may not happen but it's something you've been considering!

Don't tell her till you have everything decided and your plans set in motion.
Otherwise she'll try to get you to stay (emotional blackmail- presume that's why her son your DH wants to wait).
This will still give a few months' advance for moving, notice periods etc.

I wouldn’t say anything until it’s certain. Why upset her without cause? Plus, depending on her personality, I wouldn’t want to deal with arguing over something that may not happen

And to add, your DH knows his mother best. He wants to wait. Follow his lead.

You will get deeply skewed responses on Mn, which views emigration, temporary or permanent, as a deeply selfish choice of sun and adventure over family.

I’ve spent 25 years of my adult life away from my home country with DH. None of our parents viewed this as some devastating rejection.

I don't think rejection is the driver of most people s distress. Its just the recognition of all the experiences you will miss. I do think gradually letting her adjust to this is the kindest way to manage this. It is selfish of you to go but we all need to be selfish sometimes and we can't live our lives for others. What you can do though is tell her in a way which minimises the surprise and helps her to start to think about social contacts and experiences which might fill the gap left for her. I'd tell her that you are thinking about emigrating right away. Your OH is protecting his own feelings and needs to think about hers more .

By not telling her, not by emigrating

Exactly, @Tullig, it entirely depends on the people involved. It does sounds as if the OP's MIL might be upset, however, given that her son seems to think she will be. T

In my family, however, moving far away is very normal and has been for a couple of generations. My parents encouraged me to live and work in different countries as they did, especially my Mum. I'm fully expecting my children to live abroad for a few years and if they permanently emigrate somewhere else, fair enough. I'll be fine and quite happy to jump on a plane to visit for as long as I'm physically able.

Our move was a relatively short distance (Netherlands). Every 6 weeks or so I would pay for DM or DPiL to fly out and spend a week with us. That maintained good contact with GCs. Now, with various facetime systems the contact would be even better.

Moving abroad was a great experience. Completely starting again, learning a whole new way of living and working is an enormous challenge but a good one.

There are things I would do differently if I had my time again but overall I would do it again.

@Cameleongirl

Exactly, *@Tullig*, it entirely depends on the people involved. It does sounds as if the OP's MIL might be upset, however, given that her son seems to think she will be. T

In my family, however, moving far away is very normal and has been for a couple of generations. My parents encouraged me to live and work in different countries as they did, especially my Mum. I'm fully expecting my children to live abroad for a few years and if they permanently emigrate somewhere else, fair enough. I'll be fine and quite happy to jump on a plane to visit for as long as I'm physically able.

Yes, mine is only nine and I fully expect him to explore the world, and not be bound by where DH and I happen to live — we’ve moved around a lot (and DS has already lived in three countries), and though we’re planning to stay out for the rest of his childhood, I’m pretty sure we’ll live overseas again.

DH’s nephews are living in Berlin, NYC, Perth, mine are in Tokyo, Guatemala, Moscow and Edinburgh, and at one point my three siblings were living in China, Turkey and Poland, while I was living in the UAE.

[quote Londonlife123]@HelloFrostyMorning thank you for your reply.
Do you mean you know so many who have regretted moving because of covid restrictions?
Ideally we would go when there are no more restrictions but that could be years from now.[/quote]
@Londonlife123 Both.

The covid pandemic has amplified things hugely, but even before that, I knew/know people who regretted moving to another country. Particularly one far away. 5 different people I know moved to Australia, and Jamaica, and China, (4 to 7 years ago,) and except for one, their relatives have not seen them since.

It's a very personal and individual decision, but I fail to see how anyone can still be part of their own extended family, and in their lives, if they're 1000s and 1000s of miles away, in a different continent.

Most of these people that I know (who moved abroad) have nieces and nephews aged 4 or 5 now, who they have never met. The kids don't even know them.

I think there is a balance to be had.

No point in worrying her with a vague idea about how you might move abroad one day.

I would present it to her as a fait accompli but as soon as you get the job(s) confirmed. Then you have something concrete to tell her for her to get her head around. But as it will no doubt take ages to actually get there, she has time to get her head around it all.

And also, as I think a PP said, it will give her time to perhaps think of some new things she can add to her life here to try and fill the gap.

The flight over later in the year is a lovely idea. It will no doubt open up the world to her a little more .

I would just warn you that your mil’s relationship with her grandchildren will definitely change if you go; that’s not necessarily a bad thing but everyone goes through a grieving process and when you start to recover you inevitably have barriers around yourself regarding protecting yourself from further hurt plus life goes on and you have to fill the vacancies left by absent family.
Good luck with whatever decisions you make, I hope it goes smoothly for all of you.