Page 4 | To not tell MIL we want to move abroad?

Londonlife123 · 2022-01-23T19:53:11+00:00

My husband and I are currently looking for jobs in Asia to move to this July. We have got 2 young children. We have not told my husbands mother yet as we assume she would be very upset, but we don't want to tell her unless it is a definite yes. She sees them roughly once a week for a few hours with us there. Do you think it is the right thing to not tell her now, or do you think she would be more hurt if we were to tell her last minute? Yabu- you should tell her now Yanbu- don't tell her until it is confirmed by Also, do you think it is really nasty of us to move so far away? It has been a dream of mine and my husbands for a few years now and we thought it is the perfect time before our kids start secondary school.

Tullig · 24/01/2022 09:28

Maybe they’re just not family-centric people in the way you chesty are, @HelloFrostyMorning?

I can’t say I know anyone who regrets moving abroad (pandemic-related enforced absences aside). To me it’s an entirely normal thing to do. DH’s nephew and his wife (in Berlin) are having a baby, and I’m delighted for them, not repining because that baby will not be growing up down the road. Another newly-married nephew, currently in NY, will be following his wife’s job to either Canada or China next — they’re also likely to have children soon, but I can’t imagine them factoring our location into their plans!

Helendee · 24/01/2022 09:34

@Tullig

There is an enormous difference between a nephew and an adult child and your grandchildren moving away!

Thirtytimesround · 24/01/2022 09:38

Honestly? I do think it’s very selfish, yes. Living abroad can be fun and lucrative but the time for that is before you have kids. What you’re telling her is that you value sunshine and money more than her relationship with her son and grandchildren.

She will, quite rightly, be devasted and very hurt, and it will change your relationship with her forever.

I wouldn’t do it.

PenStation · 24/01/2022 09:44

I would mention that you are thinking of moving. Can’t they come to visit you for holidays and you come back to the UK during yours? COVID restrictions should gradually ease this year.

Tullig · 24/01/2022 10:00

[quote Helendee]@Tullig

There is an enormous difference between a nephew and an adult child and your grandchildren moving away![/quote]
I’m not suggesting they’re equivalent, just that the parents of both these nephews (DH’s sister and her husband) aren’t approaching this from the POV of it being anything out of the ordinary, or endlessly wishing their children had prioritised proximity to family over what they actually wanted to do with their lives. I will be taken aback if DS doesn’t want to spend at least part of his life overseas.

alwayscrashinginthesamecar1 · 24/01/2022 10:07

@Thirtytimesround

Honestly? I do think it’s very selfish, yes. Living abroad can be fun and lucrative but the time for that is before you have kids. What you’re telling her is that you value sunshine and money more than her relationship with her son and grandchildren.

She will, quite rightly, be devasted and very hurt, and it will change your relationship with her forever.

I wouldn’t do it.

What small minded rubbish! My folks are extremely proud that I've lived in several countries, they know I would have been utterly miserable to live in the same place as them, I couldn't get out of there quick enough! Yes our families miss us, but its still possible to have a close relationship! Its got absolutely zero to do with valuing money and sunshine over family, how rude!

cookiemonster2468 · 24/01/2022 10:22

Tell her as soon as you reasonably can once you are fairly sure it's happening.

Don't leave it until the last minute. She will need time to prepare emotionally.

cookiemonster2468 · 24/01/2022 10:26

@Thirtytimesround

Honestly? I do think it’s very selfish, yes. Living abroad can be fun and lucrative but the time for that is before you have kids. What you’re telling her is that you value sunshine and money more than her relationship with her son and grandchildren.

She will, quite rightly, be devasted and very hurt, and it will change your relationship with her forever.

I wouldn’t do it.

This is a small minded comment.

There can be huge differences in quality of life from one place to another, and you have to live in a place that makes you feel whole and suits who you are. It's not just about a certain place being "fun and lucrative".

If I'd have stayed in the place I grew up I would have been utterly miserable. Some of my family members think I moved away to go on a jolly and enjoy myself. The reality is much more complex as I imagine it is for many people.

lioncitygirl · 24/01/2022 10:32

Of course you should live and move to where you want to. I did it. Just be prepared for a massive change in your relationship, especially with the kids and her. I had my kids here in Europe as whilst I try and maintain some relationship- it’s very very hard. For context - I’m from Asia. Good luck. She will be heartbroken but you have to do what’s right for your family.

mandoforever · 24/01/2022 10:36

I'm a devoted grandmother of your mil's age and if be devastated to be told at the last minute.
I would be upset but be pleased you were following your dreams. The advanced warning would give me time to come to terms with it. I'd feel even better if I was reassured I'd always be welcome to stay.

Prescottdanni123 · 24/01/2022 10:40

Telling her now would be kinder and it is not a shock. She has time to get her head around it.

Saying to her in a few months time "Oh, by the way, we are moving to Asia next Tuesday," would be unfair.

waitingformygirl · 24/01/2022 10:48

I think telling her now would be better. We moved away from my inlaws recently but have been talking about it for a few years. We knew we wouldn't see them much once we'd moved as mil doesn't leave the house much. We kept them in the loop completely, when my dh was applying for further away jobs, we sent them ads for houses and told them when we viewed this one. The move was still difficult of course but they were part of it and we hope we were showing them that they are very important to us all.

Ulelia · 24/01/2022 11:03

@Thirtytimesround

Honestly? I do think it’s very selfish, yes. Living abroad can be fun and lucrative but the time for that is before you have kids. What you’re telling her is that you value sunshine and money more than her relationship with her son and grandchildren.

She will, quite rightly, be devasted and very hurt, and it will change your relationship with her forever.

I wouldn’t do it.

I don't understand why the choice is now or last minute? I knew my Dad would be very upset when we moved further away from him (already in a different country but now three times as far) so told him when I'd been offered the job. That way he could be involved in the discussion about if we should take it, and think about the benefits and so on. He's still not thrilled by it, but definitely came to terms with it sooner from knowing how and why we made the decision.

Ulelia · 24/01/2022 11:05

That wasn't a reply to @Thirtytimesround, I was going to write a reply and couldn't find the words to say how dismissive and rude I found that comment.

Haveyoubrushedyourteethtoday · 24/01/2022 11:14

@Thirtytimesround

Honestly? I do think it’s very selfish, yes. Living abroad can be fun and lucrative but the time for that is before you have kids. What you’re telling her is that you value sunshine and money more than her relationship with her son and grandchildren.

She will, quite rightly, be devasted and very hurt, and it will change your relationship with her forever.

I wouldn’t do it.

Eh? What is the point of educating your kids so the world is their oyster if you plan to emotionally manipulate them into never moving away?

We have lived in 4 different countries and honestly having parents and in-laws come stay/holiday with us was wonderful (they’re all gone now though). And honestly, if you live abroad, it’s much the same as living in the other side of the country when you tally up actual face time.

If and when you tell her, have her first visit planned to soften the blow.

Play8063 · 24/01/2022 13:33

I'm an expat. You have 1 life. Go for it.

Tell her, with notice, but when it's certain. And provided tou have a good relationship, open your house to her visits and encourage her to come over.

Live your dream and expose your kids to other cultures! Good luck!

MacaroniCheeseCat · 24/01/2022 13:36

I suppose the question is, which would you regret more on your deathbed? Never moving abroad for a few years in order not to upset anyone, or a few years out of the U.K. and your relatives being upset you didn’t stay down the road? Most people regret the things they didn’t do rather than the things they did.

I’m not sure whether I’d tell her now or when contracts were signed. The latter would be tempting but I think I’d tell her now or then I’d feel guilty for keeping something from her for potentially months.

Haveyoubrushedyourteethtoday · 24/01/2022 14:08

@Londonlife123

She is retired but volunteers three days a week. She is 60. I really like the idea of a flight but two things worry me... covid restrictions and isolation periods for her if she visited, and also, I don't know if she would travel that far to visit us in Asia

If she won’t travel that far, that’s on her. She is YOUNG! (I’m assuming in good health?). Dad was well into his 70s. He came for long stays with us while we were in Singapore and Hong Kong.

Unless you are looking at Hong Kong, where 3 week quarantine will be a reality fir a long time I think, the rest of Asia is slowly opening up. Fingers crossed back to normal in another 12 months.

Ruibies · 24/01/2022 15:05

I would tell her sooner than later, and give her time to come to terms with it. We moved to Asia in our mid-20s and had the best time, living in Shanghai and then HK. What an amazing experience for your kids!

If I were you, I would frame it as an exciting adventure for your family, and not even touch on how much you think it will upset her, just talk about the excitingness of it all. You can also reassure her all the ways you can stay in touch - my mum and I left voice notes for each other on whatsapp when busy and time difference meant we couldn't always call. It was lovely to listen to her chatting on about her day as I walked home from work. We video called whenever we could. I sent her photos all the time and she followed us both on Instagram - and could see what an amazing time we were having. We both downloaded a scrabble app and played each other on an ongoing basis. We sent each other postcards - even if she was just sending one from our hometown, it was lovely to receive written post. There is a drawing app a bit like pictionary - you are given a word to draw and then the other person guesses it. Your MIL could play something like that with your children via your phone or a tablet? There are so many ways to keep in touch nowadays, the world really is very small.

Whatiswrongwithmyknee · 24/01/2022 15:10

And honestly, if you live abroad, it’s much the same as living in the other side of the country when you tally up actual face time.

I guess if you live somewhere near that could be true, but in many circumstances it's not. I see my sister who's in this country around 6 times a year for an average of 2 days each time.

I see my sister who lives on the other side of the world an average of 1 time every 2.5 years for 2-3 days at a time (she has lots of people she wants to see when she visits and we can't visit her for various reasons. My little sister can't visit her simply as they can't afford it).

I speak to my sister here much more because time zone differences make it harder to talk to the aboard sister.

GrannytoaUnicorn · 24/01/2022 16:13

@Londonlife123 Is this something you both want or something you want, OP?

You asked for opinions on the right or wrong of moving there and so my answer to that is YABU. In my personal opinion, taking children SO FAR away from a grandparent when it's not a requirement for an existing job, is cruel.
Before I get piled on - OP did ask for opinions and that's mine, sorry

ChubbyMorticia · 24/01/2022 18:10

@Thirtytimesround

Honestly? I do think it’s very selfish, yes. Living abroad can be fun and lucrative but the time for that is before you have kids. What you’re telling her is that you value sunshine and money more than her relationship with her son and grandchildren.

She will, quite rightly, be devasted and very hurt, and it will change your relationship with her forever.

I wouldn’t do it.

I will never understand this.

Why are people obligated to live their lives for others? Why does how MIL feel about their lives matter more than the people living them?

At what point are you allowed to make choices that allow you to live your dreams? Only before and after children? Oh, not after, b/c there may be grandchildren. And then your children are expected to live their lives around you, and on and on it goes...

exexpat · 24/01/2022 18:32

There is a lot more to living and working overseas than 'sunshine and money' . Career opportunities, culture, languages...

From the age of about 15 I was learning multiple languages and working towards a career that involved living and travelling around the world, and although I am sure my mother would have preferred me to stay safely around the corner, my parents were proud of what I did with my life choices. They did not expect my adult life to revolve around my relationship with them - I think it is very unhealthy and unrealistic for any parent to expect that.

I think my children's lives have been enriched by their early exposure to other cultures and languages; both now have partners from an international background and I would be very surprised if one or both of them does not end up living outside the UK temporarily or permanently in future, and I will support them in whatever they want to do. If that means I have to travel and use the internet to get to know any future grandchildren, that is fine by me.

It's a big world and you only get once chance to live your life!

MargosKaftan · 24/01/2022 18:41

I dont think its horribly selfish to plan your lives for what would be best for you, your dh and your dc , rather than the preferences of a grandparent.

I would wait until you are in the interview stage /negotiation stage for a job. Dont tell her now when it's not definitely a thing that's going to happen. Wait until there's something to tell.

ChubbyMorticia · 24/01/2022 18:43

[quote GrannytoaUnicorn]@Londonlife123 Is this something you both want or something you want, OP?

You asked for opinions on the right or wrong of moving there and so my answer to that is YABU. In my personal opinion, taking children SO FAR away from a grandparent when it's not a requirement for an existing job, is cruel.
Before I get piled on - OP did ask for opinions and that's mine, sorry [/quote]
Isn't it also cruel to expect/demand your children give up their dreams for you?