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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not tell MIL we want to move abroad?

130 replies

Londonlife123 · 23/01/2022 19:53

My husband and I are currently looking for jobs in Asia to move to this July. We have got 2 young children. We have not told my husbands mother yet as we assume she would be very upset, but we don't want to tell her unless it is a definite yes. She sees them roughly once a week for a few hours with us there. Do you think it is the right thing to not tell her now, or do you think she would be more hurt if we were to tell her last minute?
Yabu- you should tell her now
Yanbu- don't tell her until it is confirmed by
Also, do you think it is really nasty of us to move so far away? It has been a dream of mine and my husbands for a few years now and we thought it is the perfect time before our kids start secondary school.

OP posts:
LizzieSiddal · 23/01/2022 21:05

My brother didn’t tell anyone until about a month before they were due to move to Australia. It was such a shock to my parents, they were absolutely heartbroken. They completely understood why they wanted to go but if they’d had more time to get used to the idea, they wouldn’t have been so upset.

Please don’t leave it until the last minute, she needs to beable to adjust to this huge change.

Kuachui · 23/01/2022 21:05

i only have 2 toddlers but already i would be devistated if any of them move abroad... its breaking my heart just thinking about it now.

whatmagicword · 23/01/2022 21:09

Have you told your parents?

EileenGC · 23/01/2022 21:11

I would definitely tell her you’re thinking about it. Don’t leave it until the last minute.

I moved abroad on my own at 16 (for uni) and have been changing countries every 2-3 years ever since. Whenever I approach the end of a course or contract that means I’ll be relocating again, my mum asks if I’m considering going back ‘home’. It’s always a (small) possibility but I try to be very honest with her and say that I’m actually considering XYZ countries first. I try to keep her in the loop and not give false expectations because that doesn’t help anyone.

I’d be honest with your MIL and focus on all the positives. She might even be excited for you, who knows!

Original poster
Londonlife123 · 23/01/2022 21:16

@whatmagicword

Have you told your parents?
My children only have her as a grandparent, none from my side. After all of these replies I feel incredibly guilty for wanting to move away. I will speak to my husband about mentioning it to her as a possibility.
OP posts:
whatmagicword · 23/01/2022 21:22

My children only have her as a grandparent, none from my side.
After all of these replies I feel incredibly guilty for wanting to move away. I will speak to my husband about mentioning it to her as a possibility.

Don't feel guilty you must do what you want to do for your family but do please tell her sooner rather than later. I would be very upset if was me and I heard it on the grapevine and not from you.

NumberTheory · 23/01/2022 21:23

Having done this I would say - she will be very hurt if you leave it to the last minute if she has no idea you are thinking about it BUT you will regret telling her earlier if she is likely to try and emotionally blackmail you into staying.

I would leave it until you have made all arrangements if your MiL has form for that sort of behaviour. Otherwise I would tell her your plans asap.

GnomeDePlume · 23/01/2022 21:24

When we moved abroad we didnt tell parents until we knew for certain. We knew that DM would be upset and try to guilt trip us so we presented her with a fait accompli. DPiL were very supportive.

whatmagicword · 23/01/2022 21:24

@NumberTheory

Having done this I would say - she will be very hurt if you leave it to the last minute if she has no idea you are thinking about it BUT you will regret telling her earlier if she is likely to try and emotionally blackmail you into staying.

I would leave it until you have made all arrangements if your MiL has form for that sort of behaviour. Otherwise I would tell her your plans asap.

No where has OP said that her MIL would emotionally blackmail her!
exexpat · 23/01/2022 21:27

Don't feel guilty - it is your life! Some people can't imagine not living with parents and family in the same town, but many of us can. If you are the more adventurous type, you will just end up resenting your MIL for tying you down if you don't do it.

I lived overseas for most of my 20s & 30s, had my DCs while living in Asia, and it gave the grandparents a good excuse to have some very interesting holidays.

How much notice are you likely to have of an actual move? If it will be at least three months I would wait until you have a firm job offer, so you don't have to cope with possible emotional blackmail to stop you accepting an offer, or alternatively upset when nothing actually happens.

Original poster
Londonlife123 · 23/01/2022 21:27

@GnomeDePlume

When we moved abroad we didnt tell parents until we knew for certain. We knew that DM would be upset and try to guilt trip us so we presented her with a fait accompli. DPiL were very supportive.
How many months were there between you telling them and moving away? Were you going with just a partner or children too?
OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 23/01/2022 21:27

@Londonlife123

I do feel absolutely awful on her as they are her only grandchildren. But we both really want to try living abroad. I feel like if we stay here we will always regret not going, but if we go there will be heartache.
Has she been aware that you've had this at the back of your minds for ages?
ruabon23 · 23/01/2022 21:28

Please don't feel guilty about moving abroad, you only live once. The suggestion of planning the first visit by MIL I think is a good one.

Hope it happens and brings all the joy you hope for.

Original poster
Londonlife123 · 23/01/2022 21:30

@exexpat

Don't feel guilty - it is your life! Some people can't imagine not living with parents and family in the same town, but many of us can. If you are the more adventurous type, you will just end up resenting your MIL for tying you down if you don't do it.

I lived overseas for most of my 20s & 30s, had my DCs while living in Asia, and it gave the grandparents a good excuse to have some very interesting holidays.

How much notice are you likely to have of an actual move? If it will be at least three months I would wait until you have a firm job offer, so you don't have to cope with possible emotional blackmail to stop you accepting an offer, or alternatively upset when nothing actually happens.

Thank you for the reassurance about moving abroad. I don't want to regret not doing it in 10 years time just because I felt guilty. But at the same time I am dreading the moment we actually tell her as I would just feel so awful. We would know for definite around March/April time so she would still have 3/4 months notice.
OP posts:
HollowTalk · 23/01/2022 21:30

Does she work? If not could she come out for longer periods at a time? How old is she?

Original poster
Londonlife123 · 23/01/2022 21:31

@Nanny0gg no, sturdily we have never mentioned it to her, as we know it will upset her.
@ruabon23 thank you Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
Londonlife123 · 23/01/2022 21:33

She is retired but volunteers three days a week. She is 60.
I really like the idea of a flight but two things worry me... covid restrictions and isolation periods for her if she visited, and also, I don't know if she would travel that far to visit us in Asia

OP posts:
Gilly12345 · 23/01/2022 21:33

I would only tell her when you have jobs and are definitely going, still giving her as much time as possible.

I wouldn’t tell her your thoughts as it may not happen.

Gazelda · 23/01/2022 21:33

Are there other siblings that live in the UK?
I don't say this to give you any guilt, I promise. But DSiL and her DH emigrated a few years ago, only telling the family when it was a done deal. The result is that they have been unable to share the care of their elderly parents, which has fallen to us.

When we had the opportunity to move abroad, we were unable to take it because there was no one left in the country to support DPIL.

I resent that DSIL did this without discussion with us. I honestly don't think we would have done or said anything to discourage them, but I would have appreciated the courtesy of a discussion before the done deal.
So, in a long winded way, I'm saying that if there are other people that you need to tell now, then it is only fair to tell DMiL too.

TheFishWillSeeYouNow · 23/01/2022 21:35

You absolutely have to give it a go if it's your dream, you will regret forever if you don't.

Original poster
Londonlife123 · 23/01/2022 21:38

@Gazelda thanks for your reply. I am sorry that you have been put in that situation.
My husband has a brother who lives very close to his mum. I have siblings on my side but my parents are not around.
For my mother in law and care for her.... we are looking to be back in England for when my children are in secondary school (although I know you can't plan things like that). So by then (say 10 years time) my mother in law will only be 70 so hopefully relatively good health. This is another reason why I want to do it sooner rather than later.

OP posts:
Original poster
Londonlife123 · 23/01/2022 21:39

@TheFishWillSeeYouNow thank you! I guess so many expats feel guilt towards family members when they leave them

OP posts:
Reallycantbesarsed · 23/01/2022 21:39

Yes I think you should tell MIL . Is she on her own ? What kind of age is she ?

NumberTheory · 23/01/2022 21:39

@whatmagicword

Hence my making it clear that if that wasn't the case, IMO, OP should tell her MiL ASAP. Or did you just get outraged without reading the whole post?

Original poster
Londonlife123 · 23/01/2022 21:41

@NumberTheory I understand what you meant, thank you.

OP posts: