To not tell MIL we want to move abroad?

[Londonlife123]

My husband and I are currently looking for jobs in Asia to move to this July. We have got 2 young children. We have not told my husbands mother yet as we assume she would be very upset, but we don't want to tell her unless it is a definite yes. She sees them roughly once a week for a few hours with us there. Do you think it is the right thing to not tell her now, or do you think she would be more hurt if we were to tell her last minute?
Yabu- you should tell her now
Yanbu- don't tell her until it is confirmed by
Also, do you think it is really nasty of us to move so far away? It has been a dream of mine and my husbands for a few years now and we thought it is the perfect time before our kids start secondary school.

Eh? What is the point of educating your kids so the world is their oyster if you plan to emotionally manipulate them into never moving away?

I completely agree @Haveyoubrushedyourteethtoday, I want my children to live the best lives for them, not for me. Of course, it will be great if I can see them/any future grandchildren regularly, but if they're living happy lives elsewhere, that's fine by me. I'm here to give them the confidence to do what they want with their lives - tbh, I'd be more concerned if they always stay close to home, I'd feel that I hadn't given them the tools to spread their wings.

@exexpat

There is a lot more to living and working overseas than 'sunshine and money' Career opportunities, culture, languages...

You can get all of this in the UK.

Why do some people think you can only have a full and eventful life by moving to another continent?

You can have a great career in the UK, and a great life, and a great education, AND you can meet and experience other cultures/nationalities in many towns and cities. In addition, you can go travelling if you want to see around other countries.

I would work abroad for a short spell to experience life in another country (like on a cruise ship or in a holiday park etc,) but moving there permanently? Nope. No thanks.

There is absolutely no need to move to another country 'for work' or 'for career opportunities'

Personally, I would only leave the UK if I had no-one here who meant anything to me.

Thanks for all your replies...
I am surprised by how many people are really against moving abroad!! Like I have said I have lived in three other countries pre children and absolutely loved the experience of seeing new things, being immersed in different cultures and meeting so many amazing people.
I understand that it is not for some, but I don't see how so many people are so against the idea.
@HelloFrostyMorning thanks for your reply, you are right, you can get those things from England, but why not try a different country? Why not further your career in another country?
So many love abroad and are SO happy with their decision. We are not planning on staying forever, we want to come back within 10 years (when my children start secondary school).
The original question was not about if it is the right or thing to go, but when to tell the mil.
She is a healthy 60 year old, so is capable of visiting if she wanted. Like I said, she is retired so has got quite a lot of flexibility.

@HelloFrostyMorning What sometimes happens when two foreign nationals live and work abroad for a while and fall in love?

That's what happened to American DH and I, we were both working in another country and met. We've spent time in both the UK and the US, but our family simply can't be in the same country as all our extended family all the time. It doesn't mean we don't love them. Plus, we have to go where the job opportunities are.

We moved abroad, initially to Asia, 6 years ago. MIL was similar age to yours, no other parents living on either side. We didn't have children then but now have 3 (her only grandchildren) and still live abroad though not as far.

You should do what feels right for you and your kids. I agree that living abroad is an incredible experience and only gets more so as the kids grow. Mine are growing up bilingual and are a part of two countries' cultures. I actually don't envisage ever going 'home' and think it would be a loss for them.

MIL visits regularly and has ever since we moved, and admits she's had some amazing experiences as a result. I'm sure she would prefer her grandkids to be down the road but we always lived a minimum of 100 miles away even in the U.K. She understands that they have a better quality of life here.

I would definitely tell her several months in advance so she can come to terms with the idea, and actively plan for lots of visits. If you really only intend it to be temporary and see the U.K. as your eventual home, reassure her of that too. But it is your life to live and I would not let the guilt stop you. We don't have children so that they stay always by our side. You can make this work and be exciting for her too.

@lifesnotaspectatorsport such a lovely reply. So happy it all worked out for you and amazingthat your childrenare bilingual. You are right, when my children get older I want them to follow their dreams, the last thing I would want is for me to hold them back.

@Londonlife123 I realise that by living our life this way, my children will probably end up moving away - perhaps they'll want to go to uni in the U.K. and then settle there, or perhaps they'll meet someone from one of the many other countries that speak their second language and relocate. No one can see the future. I know they are having a wonderful childhood and I have no regrets. You can't live your life for other people no matter how much you love them. Good luck with your plans!

@Londonlife123

Sorry if you don't like what I am saying ... They're just my views and opinions, and the other side of the 'oh how wonderful to move abroad to live' coin. Some people seem to paint it as some amazing thing to do, and some people expect things to be the same as what they have seen on TV and in the movies, or when they were on holiday there. They never are.

When you are on holiday, you have surplus cash, and no worries or responsibilities, and everyone is nice to you, because as a tourist, you are their bread and butter.

Living in another country, and working there, and paying bills and rent/mortgage, and trying to fit in with people who live there and have grown up there, and into their culture etc, is WAY different to being on holiday there.

Some people also try to make it out to be some wonderful new universe where your life will be so much better, and fruitful and amazing, and your children will have a life that is sooooo much better. It may not be like that at all. In fact, even if it isn't worse, it is unlikely to be any better than it will be here. Only difference is that you will have no friends or family around to support you if you need help with anything.

Sorry but I have known more people regret moving abroad than not, and in some cases it is very difficult to move back as they have invested EVERYTHING into their move. I truly do not see any need to move abroad from everyone you love and care about (and who loves and cares about you,) when everything you need is here in the UK.

Leaving behind all my friends, my family, my past, and everything I know, to swan off 1000s and 1000s of miles away to live, is simply something I would never do. As I said, I would only go if I had NO-ONE here in the UK who meant anything to me.

If you want to do it then crack on, but by posting on here, you are canvassing for people different opinions. I have mine, and despite my opinions seemingly annoying some people, I am still entitled to them. And people are getting annoyed, because it's only the negative views that are being attacked with demands to explain them. My views are just as valid as anyone else's and there is no right or wrong...

Good luck with whatever you decide anyway. I will leave it there.

[quote HelloFrostyMorning]@exexpat

There is a lot more to living and working overseas than 'sunshine and money' Career opportunities, culture, languages...

You can get all of this in the UK.

Why do some people think you can only have a full and eventful life by moving to another continent?

You can have a great career in the UK, and a great life, and a great education, AND you can meet and experience other cultures/nationalities in many towns and cities. In addition, you can go travelling if you want to see around other countries.

I would work abroad for a short spell to experience life in another country (like on a cruise ship or in a holiday park etc,) but moving there permanently? Nope. No thanks.

There is absolutely no need to move to another country 'for work' or 'for career opportunities'

Personally, I would only leave the UK if I had no-one here who meant anything to me.[/quote]
You really can not get the submersion into an entirely different culture in the UK.

It's an incredibly enriching experience for kids to really experience two very different culture. It opens horizons in a way that moving to other areas of the UK just can't.

My parents moved abroad to a very different culture for a while when I was young and it has been one of the most important aspects of my childhood that has made my entire life more interesting and exciting. We moved around in the UK too and nothing came close to mirroring the experience of living abroad.

@Ruibies

I would tell her sooner than later, and give her time to come to terms with it. We moved to Asia in our mid-20s and had the best time, living in Shanghai and then HK. What an amazing experience for your kids!

If I were you, I would frame it as an exciting adventure for your family, and not even touch on how much you think it will upset her, just talk about the excitingness of it all. You can also reassure her all the ways you can stay in touch - my mum and I left voice notes for each other on whatsapp when busy and time difference meant we couldn't always call. It was lovely to listen to her chatting on about her day as I walked home from work. We video called whenever we could. I sent her photos all the time and she followed us both on Instagram - and could see what an amazing time we were having. We both downloaded a scrabble app and played each other on an ongoing basis. We sent each other postcards - even if she was just sending one from our hometown, it was lovely to receive written post. There is a drawing app a bit like pictionary - you are given a word to draw and then the other person guesses it. Your MIL could play something like that with your children via your phone or a tablet? There are so many ways to keep in touch nowadays, the world really is very small.

This.. Focusing on how upset she js likely to be won't go far... Apart from underlining her loss (of grandchildren development...).

Also, it is possible to arranfe face time calls, so granny has breakfast /dinner with the grandkids via facetjme.

It feels as if involved without physically being there.

Pal and me did this for a decade when we were in uk/aus... So we always had a meal over most weekends.... It worked well for us.

I would tell her once jobs are confirmed but I think it might be better coming just from dh initially. I think her reaction all depends on her general disposition but offering plane tickets seems like a nice gesture.

Do consider that if you are in England and you want them back here for secondary school allocations, unless you plan to go private, your child needs to be living in the house they will go to school from by the end of the October after they turn ten (or 11 if born in Sept or Oct). You may not be abroad as long as you think.

It's not unreasonable or wrong to want to move abroad but particularly after the pandemic it seems sad to then be further away from loved ones than you need to be. It's also the distance- it's so far compared to places in Europe.

I can't help but question how brilliant it really is for the children involved as well. For all of those who say what an enriching experience it was to live abroad, I bet their are equally many who struggled with the upheaval when moving back to their parents home country etc. I personally think that massive upheavals like a big move during childhood can often be really difficult, the lost of school friends etc. it would be a huge culture shock for them too. Plus it seems really sad that the relationship they will have with their only grandparent will be really affected. It's not the same, for those suggesting FaceTime, id have thought that the pandemic has shown there is no substitute for actually being with friends and family!

Put it this way- I can't see children regretting the opportunity to be close to their grandparent and not have upheaval during childhood- and when they are adults they will choose what they want to do and where they want to live.

Crikey @HelloFrostyMorning defensive much? No offence but once you have actually lived abroad yourself (and aren’t rehashing ALL the people
Who know who HATED and REGRETTED it) maybe step back a bit. The OP has actually lived abroad before and understands the fallbacks, she’s not looking at it through the view of Wanted Down Under

OP I’m on the side of wait until it’s a thing. We didn’t tell anyone when we were looking for jobs abroad because we were looking in the U.K. too and it actually happened DH got offered work in California quite quickly. We then told my parents when he was invited over for an interview. These things can take years what with interviews and visas etc etc and you don’t want to colour your time together with anyone being upset over what the future might bring when it isn’t even certain

I’ll warn you it is VERY hard telling parents who are an active part in yours and your child’s life. My DM was very upset when we moved but we had to take the opportunity presented and frankly I’d been brought up living in different continents so there was an element of what did she expect to happen! But in this day and age (baring covid of course) it’s much easier to keep relationships going

We’re planning on moving back this summer after 10 years away (we’d originally planned on 3-4!!) and now I’m being guilt tripped if I consider living anywhere longer than a 40min drive! You have to live your life for you and if this is something you both want to experience then you are entitled to try. But I wouldn’t say anything until it’s actually a thing because it may never come to
Fruition and it cause unnecessary upset as a consequence

Living abroad as opposed to just visiting is a totally different experience. It is challenging. There are times when you think will someone please just explain what is going on.

But for us the positives very much outweigh the negatives. We have a completely different perspective compared to people who have never left the town we now live in.

We moved back to the UK after 5 years as my job moved again. DM despite being negative at the start now looks back on her regular visits to stay with us for a week at a time with great fondness.

@drpet49

I would tell her now, more notice the better especially as she sees the kids regularly

This ^

We relocated last year (in the UK) told MIL every step of the way she didn’t want us to move, our DS’ were 19 & nearly 18 at the time. There were very specific reasons why we moved. We had always been honest with MIL, sadly we lost MIL a few months back. But even with hindsight the move was the right thing for our family. Good luck OP, do what’s right for you, but don’t keep MIL in the dark about the possibility, it will make things more difficult as time goes on.

OP I get that the allure of abroad is exciting but like a pp I would be concerned about parents being ill and not being there for them and/or supporting siblings with their care.

I live in a different part of the UK from family and often feel guilt that I am not nearby and a lot may fall on my siblings as parents get older.

A few years ago my 60 year old mum, fit and healthy with no previous scares suddenly out of the blue had a stroke with no warning. I happened to be abroad at the time working and took me a day to get home even though I was just in Europe. That was the most scariest and longest day of my life and still have guilt that I am not nearby in case something was to happen again. So I can understand where pp are coming from when they say they wouldn’t move out of the UK

Perhaps tell her so she can make the most of time with the dc as she can while they are here.

As someone who has done this. It's tricky.

I had everything sorted and organised when I told them I said I was going to give it three months , if I didn't like it I would be back (that was my induction period)
They were naturally upset but they got over it

Don't feel guilty. I have a son living abroad, I doubt he will comeback. He has a great lifestyle and I am happy for him. My other son has a partner who can't have children so any grandchildren will be abroad. But it's their life to live not mine.

Sorry but I have known more people regret moving abroad than not, and in some cases it is very difficult to move back as they have invested EVERYTHING into their move. I truly do not see any need to move abroad from everyone you love and care about (and who loves and cares about you,) when everything you need is here in the UK.

Leaving behind all my friends, my family, my past, and everything I know, to swan off 1000s and 1000s of miles away to live, is simply something I would never do. As I said, I would only go if I had NO-ONE here in the UK who meant anything to me.

It's very interesting to see this train of thought actually written out explicitly that going to live abroad is a rejection of your family, a choice of self over the collective because it's the implicit logic behind a significant percentage of responses to people deciding to live abroad on Mn.

I find it entirely alien -- but judging by the frequency with which it comes up on here, it clearly represents a real mindset for a not-insignificant number of people.

It's quite mad to me, and I struggle to imagine simply viewing living where you want to whether that's Manchester or Mongolia as some kind of selfish act that overturns what should be people's 'correct' priorities, which are presumably to stay exactly where you happen to grown up for the rest of your life?

I genuinely can't imagine expecting my child never to live in another country, or being offended if he did. It's a big old world out there. Why would he confine himself to any small part of it? Love isn't contingent on geography.

100% Tullig frankly I’d much rather I’d had the nomadic childhood I had growing up in Asia, Africa and Europe than being stuck in the same town all my life, it does give you a different mindset. People don’t move AWAY from something when they adventure somewhere else, they move towards something new. Because frankly you’re problem follow you wherever you go, same shit different bucket and all that

OP has reiterated several times she has actually lived abroad before as well so she does actually understand the concept

You should totally do it if you want to, that isn't unkind, it's you living your lives!
I can see both sides to this, my MIL would get very upset but actually I think it would be worse if we kept it from her until it was happening. Best to say it's something you would like and working towards and she has time to adjust.

This is definitely a "one size doesn't fit all" situation, isn't it? Some families are very upset when loved ones move far away, others take it in their stride, perhaps before they moved around a lot themselves.

People can surprise you too. My BIL moved to an Asian country after a job loss and things were getting financially desperate. I wouldn't describe him as the most flexible person and was never especially keen on travel, but he and his wife absolutely love their new location and have made many friends there. So it's worked for them.

It's quite mad to me, and I struggle to imagine simply viewing living where you want to whether that's Manchester or Mongolia as some kind of selfish act that overturns what should be people's 'correct' priorities, which are presumably to stay exactly where you happen to grown up for the rest of your life?

I don't think the posters you quoted did talk about correct priorities though. She talked about her priorities. For her, there is nothing abroad with more appeal than the contact she has with her loved ones. I am always saddened to see the idea of adventures and quality of life reserved for far flung places. My aims in life are to spend lots of time with my loved ones and to enjoy quality time together. We can't do that over facetime. Post lockdown I don't think there is anyone who now tries to argue that that is any sort of compensation for real contact. Each to their own but I wish people would not downplay the benefits of staying in a place which enables physical contact with loved ones - regardless of the choice that is right for them.